yknow - this blogpost was started before i left for the day.... it was titled an ode to my laptop - in the same way that i had an ode to my denim jacket in 2000.but then everything changed.
i miss being loved on - it's not a secret - if it's not mentioned in every post - it's really close to it. today kirby had me say outloud - 'i am addicted to love' - dancing around it and saying i'm a relationship junkie is okay - but i'm not the only one.
we read about sex addiction and it's not the sex you're addicted to - its everything that happens before and after - from the butterflies to the anxiety to the goofy feelings even the magical attitude you have towards your "loved one" - to even the sadness. and she said it was grief.
i grieved our relationship last night - that's why i was crying. i knew in the pit of my soul that it was over - and after we hooked up (but remember it's still october) - i sat there and cried because you can do that with someone you didn't love.... you can... he can.... i can't.
i find myself beating myself up over stuff i already have forgiven myself for - and more importantly that god has forgiven me for - and now i feel bad again because i put myself in the path of a runaway train.
i am just a really fucked up girl trying to get better.
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