it's a blaze across your nightgown

just in case someone bumps into this blog and hates me - i will not post the dress i am buying from etsy. i just wanna get a few more dollars together - but gahlee - it will be the perfect night out to dinner because i am officially divorced dress. it can also be i'm gonna put on a pair of tights and wear my denim jacket to a meeting dress. or it could be i'm gonna take my oldest son out for dinner dress - cause i think that's really really where i'm gonna find happiness. not sitting across from some asshole at applebees ordering a piece of grilled chicken that is too big and i am watching the girls at the bar drink drinks that i have no business looking at.

the night of my divorce i am not going out to a bar and picking up some dude and fucking him - like ha - gotcha! instead - i'm gonna buy a dress that is perfect for a girl with small boobs and a flat belly - two things i still got!

so - buying a dress made for flat-chested girls - and it not being a dress to wear just once - means i am not buying boobs. not with divorce or inheritance money.

for now.

i am watching hjntiy - that's a lie. i am listening to the movie, typing on here and still watching that alien channel. if i watch long enough i think maybe something will happen. after i got sunshine cleaning - but looky the time - that'll be tomorrow.

my fever is spiking high dude - speaking of dude - i called the judge dude on monday. officially he wasn't our judge because it was mediation and he couldn't pass any judgment but saying dude wasn't the best move i made that day.

in semi-serious news - if you pray or anything like that keep vin in mind he's really sick. so in addition to everything that happened today this was a big blow.

in lighter news but definitely not not important news - i decided when i got sick to stop taking the celexa. i was scared to stop taking it - after all it was holding me together. jail and then outta jail and then everything that happened since (read this blog) - and i was still taking it along with the luvox. NO WONDER i couldn't orgasm - so i stopped the celexa and when the time came it happened. and then it happened again.

and then two more times today.

post script - now i bought the dress and the chick decided to give me a few days to pay (so i don't charge it).

"why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"

okay - let's talk about that picture.

that image is a moving image --- it looks like a really fast heartbeat machine. the tv channel doesn't list it - it goes from 59 Oxygen to 61 History.

-dBmV varies between -27.00 though 29.67

-i'm gonna watch but the date is dec 29, 2064

and in the chart it says START 15.00 MHz.

i used to just past it - but now i'm really freaked out - especially by the date.

so while sick (btw - IT'S worse today and that means no rva or treating or kissing or NOTHING) but anyway - i was pattern searching for things for a. my mom, b. louie's dog, c. teachers, d. sharon, e. thelma, f. nikki, g. jenn - and since that's seven that's it. there's jer's and vin's teacher - lily - brae's teacher and zrg's three teachers.

i'm gonna make a post - semi-soon for keeping track of this shit.

post script - here's a video of the channel

guess there's muscle memory for love

ALRIGHT!

there's a little pep in my step.

i shouldn't treat my aorgasmicactivitysyndrome so final - i just needed a little motivation, a little inspiration, and a little invitation... (i kill me here) but yeah.

so - i may fall in that 89% afterall with the proper props.

what i'm trying to say it's easy to fall back in love - you know that person better than you ever thought you'd know anybody - and unbeknownst to even you - he knows you. not just the parts you let him in on - but the stuff that makes you you.

you'd think with all this time i would've made a zillion things on my hook - but i have not. i am seriously that sick - but i will be on the mend. i am making zrg's teachers apple cozzies, and being sick and skipping all those meetings (!!!) i got to watch jeopardy - and believe you me i was awake from 7:30 to at least 8:00.

what is lyrics to a really good song thanks to jlp?

CORRECT!

russian roulette is not the same without a gun

holy shit it's friday. i slept the ENTIRE week away and instead of waking up and feeling like "me" - i'm still sick and i have twenty-eight hours to get better.

tomorrow i am supposed to go to rva to see my dad - yes SEE my dad - i haven't seen him since july of 07 - and even though we talk every other day this is big and to take the kids trick or treating will make that too awesome. i need to get my shit in gear if i am going anywhere - anytime - soon.

my dad is gonna come to bedford too - after he takes zrg to school monday he's gonna head out here and chill with me till wednesday. this is more awesome than i can stand to say.

in all this time sleeping and dreaming - but mostly thinking too - i really rely on the "dude" in my life to set the tone for politics. it's true.

i know that jlm was a bit extreme and we all know that extreme is a relative word when it comes to politics - but jlm redefined it (in my life anyway).

then jdg really had no opinion so i went back to my dad's way of thinking (everyone's a crook) - and then tm came along and he was pretty liberal but he did something that gave me a lil' bit of that good feeling (that smart feeling if you will) - he entertained a bit of my weirdness and passions and even schooled me when they weren't his own.

bm had that whole lil' bit of everything knowledge - the kind that can stand up in conversation - but don't side with blacks, women or jews and you might stand a chance.

but now here i am - single - a divorcee - and doing the only thing i know how to do - ask my dad. don't forget he's up there with you in jersey so he thinks everyone's a crook today - from corzine to the cops to the mayor that won't put a street light in even if he pays for it and the $50. bill. they can all be "fucked if he cared."
so - i am just not gonna vote - i mean fuck it. if it comes to voting for gun laws - i can't EVER own a gun anyway - between being a convicted domestic abuser (i know) and being crazy - i'm saying if i did own a gun at any time in the past thirty-four years (yes, including the first 18) - i prolly wouldn't be here! fuck - none of you might be.

of all the evils of this town

so let's talk sickness.

i have h1n1. i am not kidding you.

yesterday when i was running some errands i started to feel super tired but didn't think anything was wrong until i gave t a hug and holy smokes - 104.5* fever. then today the double swab up my nose confirmed the worst.

i'm dying.

i am being given chicken soup and pretzels as my last meals - and washing it all down with ginger ale.

staying in healthcare news i should not leave the manufacturers page when it comes to medicine - looking at the double-blind study stuff really messed me up. i happen to fall in the 11% that gets aorgasmicsyndrome - MEANING NONE! but i guarandamntee that if there was a 89% chance a group would pick the lottery - i too - would fall in the losing category. and if picking the winning numbers has anything to do with getting your rocks off prove it - i had plenty of Os and never hit the lottery. so far no rectal bleeding but i betcha it's part of the 89% that are still having orgasms - i don't see how any of it doesn't tie together.

and i can easily see the any long term use and staying in the 11% that never o's - well the suicide thing can't be too far off.

you say it's enough, in fact it's too much

ah.

the good news today is mostly over - the bad news.... it's mostly over.

i gotta work for a friend tonight - ALL night. i mean it's cool and it's doing the job but gahlee - i am tired. i have to admit the feelings are different than i thought they would be - when he came back with an offer that benefited the children all the way - and i saw he wasn't as selfish as i thought he was i agreed to leave and wrap it up.

plus if we didn't and we went to court that would've been an easy $15k a piece to lawyers (easy) - so this was much better.

now it's just about setting the date.

why is chrome spelled with a ch - i remember phonics and c is pronounced /k/ unless it's followed by an i or e. all words that are synonymous with chrome - silver, pewter and even grey are even number letters. i was thinking "not gold" was okay but that space can fuck it all up. "opposite gold" is thirteen. but that sounds retarded - see it's my favorite color and all and i'm getting ill everytime i put on my "SILVER" sneakers.

fuck.

so - i did my semi-duty and stopped in and saw nick when i was near richmond. it started out just to show him my new shoes with the outfit (jlp it did look better without any red in the top - thanks) and to get a pumpkin from his dad's farm. that turned into buying a carving kit, getting hot chocolates from starbucks and lunch from einstein bros and a necklace from need.

great day in the morning - i am almost single.

ugh - or am a divorcee. i hate this.

(over all feeling in the end i hate taking anything anyway)

i feel the dream in me expire

so. yeah.

the weekend is always really really really out there.

i know where i'm not usually and forget where i am.

friday nick came and took me for a ride to dinner and then we went to a meeting (yes - he went) (and for the record he doesn't use that he says but the last meeting i heard him going of was in december/january of 2007) he brought me a present and he gave it to me and said - there is no doubt in my mind that this smells better than bm. it was that lamb perfume i wanted.

i got the thought behind it.

the rain came down sideways on saturday - and i needed to get out. he came back to bedford (i'm telling you from richmond again) and we went shopping for shoes for tomorrow (court!) (or courthouse) and hit another meeting.

i crocheted zrg and bdg cowboy hats - they are both buzz lightyear turned cowboys - and believe you me i could've bought them like stetson hats but this is def more cute. i gave them to them today and they really really really liked them - pictures to follow and prove it.

then today i went to richmond - went and watch zrg play flag-football, parked and went to see wtwta and then taco smell and then dropped them off.

yeah - all today - now it's 10:09 and i gotta leave around five. sleep is prolly not gonna happen.

jitter and vin

captains' meeting

the bears

love him!

i haven't really been the same since i hung out with bm - i lied that night. and i felt awful the next day - so i told on myself to a bunch of people. kirby said i truly did relapse - for someone like me getting the flu pumped into your stomach it's just as bad as picking up. i don't know if justin would be considered switching addictions - but bm is like a drug. it makes me feel good to get under some dude - and it makes me feel even better to think i can leave it like i want to (ie one slice of pizza, one pill... one drink) but i know that's not true.

i know that much.

i'd die if i wasn't already dead!

i wish all shows and movies had the blurb at the bottom like the hills and the city and the real world do - with the song info.

i always have to google a few lyrics and well - i just don't have the time.

when you mentioned spm in that post it made me think that i am not sure if i ever told you what a real impact he had on my life - with the whole vampire thing.

you know he used to say that we were the real vampires (ie the cool kids) - i was working at the credit union - he was at that office that he had to pay the money back to - and he told me that's NOT who we were. that we were like vampires who became our true selves at night and slumbered in the day.... that we could stay young forever... and that if we fed on the normal folk and were good to each other we could rule the world.

i think that's what i see in the vampire-phenomena and he was prolly right.

of course - i'm hesitant to even say these things in a public forum like this - because i truly believe that it is information that shouldn't be given away but sought.

and i never had as much insight about some "crunchy" things as i have since you've been letting me in a bit - the sugar shit and the analogy was so right on - but for me too i have food issues out the butt. i not only feel bad when i eat things i don't want to but i def pull a tara and then punish myself for it. here lately i have simply said no when asked if i wanna go to a buffet (good lord) or if i want a piece of halloween candy or a slice of pizza (why just have one....?)

ps i can not ever see anything but bill's face - that poster has frustrated me since the summer

you're always scratchin at the eight ball

so i decided against moving this blog for now - i can't run from my insecurities forever.

i can't think it's gonna get better just because i moved my url. the feelings are still there - and i gotta face it head-on.

i never did the whole breakup thing the right way - you can't go to rehab, leave him in boston, have protective orders or expect him to stay in prison for the rest of your life - one day those things won't happen and you'll bump into him and it will just be there and in your face and then what?

so for now it'll stay here - but i got the perfect url in case i do move it - asliceofseven.blogspot.com - right? well - i think i'm witty if no one else does.

fake love for an hour or so

yknow - this blogpost was started before i left for the day.... it was titled an ode to my laptop - in the same way that i had an ode to my denim jacket in 2000.

but then everything changed.

i miss being loved on - it's not a secret - if it's not mentioned in every post - it's really close to it. today kirby had me say outloud - 'i am addicted to love' - dancing around it and saying i'm a relationship junkie is okay - but i'm not the only one.

we read about sex addiction and it's not the sex you're addicted to - its everything that happens before and after - from the butterflies to the anxiety to the goofy feelings even the magical attitude you have towards your "loved one" - to even the sadness. and she said it was grief.

i grieved our relationship last night - that's why i was crying. i knew in the pit of my soul that it was over - and after we hooked up (but remember it's still october) - i sat there and cried because you can do that with someone you didn't love.... you can... he can.... i can't.

i find myself beating myself up over stuff i already have forgiven myself for - and more importantly that god has forgiven me for - and now i feel bad again because i put myself in the path of a runaway train.

i am just a really fucked up girl trying to get better.

i'll say your prayers, i'll take your side

the only thing that smells better than that lamb perfume i want - was bm last night.

i miss a dude's smell so bad - when i first started hanging out with nick i borrowed stole a polo undershirt when i was cold and it got me by until it really needed washing ... but last night i may have slept like a baby due to the meds (and missed the starstorm) but it could've been smelling like him last night.

and yeah - it stirred up a lot of tears and feelings - but i think even more than that - it gave me some closure - i didn't get that in february. i didn't even know i needed it. i don't even know what to do with it.

i got kirby later - and even though i didn't pick up - i know i relapsed a bit. don't forget the relationship junkie (i will never say sex addict) in me needs attention and even more - needs to give attention... and i tried to do it here... i tried other ways... but there's nothing quite like getting your hands in someone's hair - and everything else that i missed.

i'm thirty-four and i parked.

and parked and parked.

oh, look what youve done to this rock n roll clown

that was something else.

i don't know how to live - honestly.

it's like i have this idea that living is this but then i do it and i can fuck it up so bad - and i get so confused and i feel so sorry for fucking up his life.

let's rewind:

i have been talking to bm right - and it's been all that it was - and better. lemme say i don't know how i ended up with him - because i'm such the wrong chick for that guy.

i was the wrong chick for tm too - and jdg too - and jlm too.

i just don't know how to be a good girlfriend - and i never knew. i treated dude so badly and i just pushed and took and pushed and took - and i am here crying my eyes out (still).

how did i do this before?

this is it - this is honesty - this is what happens when you finally feel it and not drink it away. this is me as exposed as it comes.

i doubt this post will stay more than a few hours.

i'm sorry for fucking up our "meeting."

you looked really good.

the bad boys are gonna set you right

totally more than i bargained for - but today was pretty cool.

i went to straighten out my banking (talk about being ashamed of myself) - then i went to the foot doctor cause he was charging me way too much (straightened that out) - and then me and my mom went to walk the loop here in town - it's a 2.8 mile walk but we walked to her doctor's office so that pushes in a bit and on the last leg of the walk i got a tm -

"hey - it's sunny let's see the leaves for more than ten minutes" - i totally didn't mean to sound disappointed in our trip up the mountain but nick came back to bedford (again) and we took a decent ride and saw the leaves they were meant to be seen.

finally.

but lemme preface the other part of the story with a little background - when i was twelve i was a cit (counselor in training) at camp (basically it was a cool way to say i was at camp well past my prime - but anyway) - there was a "counselor" named jimmy bader who was hot as hell. he was seventeen.

and of course he was hot up and until he showed interest then i got scared - like really scared. the flirting (on my end) stopped, the love notes (on my end) stopped and then came our first sleepover night. it was on a wednesday and i couldn't have been more excited - except that morning i heard jimmy say "i sure am glad it's hump day" - or something like it.... and i just about wanted to die. so i decided to go but to steer clear of jimmy at the sleepover and i was eating with my "troop" and as soon as i got word that jimmy wanted to see me in the "weight room" and of course it was "hump day" - i got sick.

puking sick - and i mean all over sick.

my brother had to pick me up because the anxiety was too much - even at twelve.

fast forward to today - when nick picked me up and told me we were headed back on the mountain - i threw my purse (which is really too big) in the back seat and saw a tent. in the box. like he just bought it - all of a sudden my mind went to the set up in the weight room and humping - and the whole ride on the mountain i couldn't even really appreciate the view.

i still don't know if it was a hint - either subtle or in my face - but all i knew is the memory about that night at camp came rushing back.

now in 1987 i went back to camp the next day and let jimmy finger me but i'm not trying to go there with nick. so i am glad he told me the tent was for a friend of his - but isn't that always the case.

way to set me back months dude - i thought i could almost be ready.

i'm living with something that just isnt fair

so...

well - my medicine is making me a bit on edge.

but i guess that's how it goes sometimes.

there are two thoughts in my head at the moment.....

the first one stems from my crazy side. i haven't been able to go to the bathroom in five days and that's two days longer than i've been on the medicine. my crazy brain is telling me that my ocd is punishing me for trying to get rid of it and therefore that's why i haven't pooped.

then there's a good thought - a posi thought if you will. hopefully (fingers crossed, extra rosary, extra mass) that with the numbers deal - maybe, just maybe - i will be able to kick the dude obsession as well. can you imagine how good it would be to be free from counting and free from thinking about the same four dudes for the rest of my life?

i wanna poop but if it's one or the other i'd rather not.

in discussing shit with nick on friday he came back saturday and we drove up to the parkway - we had about ten minutes of sun to check out the leaves. we talked about what each of us wants and it sounds pretty much the same - but truth be told - i find that more suspicious than anything. i say that because i am crazy - so anyone who agrees with me on anything is either crazy themselves or is lying.

for money to burn with you

ah.

sorority row wasn't worth $.50.

seriously.

i got home and got that ca shit on my computer - and nick got it on and i can still (obviously) go on the internet. i didn't have too much shit on my computer - but gahlee - i still had enough.

he left back for rva (btw - i had some pretty dece sushi at yamazoto - or some shit and ate until i wanted to puke *but still felt light?!?!*) and i got a ride to fort hill with a friend.

i just got home and getting undressed and taking my new medicine (i figure it might help - after all it is getting exhausting doing everything seven times - especially since what happened with my mom) - so i have a doctor's appointment in three weeks - so i don't go off the deep end.

after i heard about my mom - (now i know know know this isn't real and i still have a 'sane side' - but my ocd brain likes to fight that sane side all the time) - but anyway - after my mom's news i thought - "if i just would've ritualized more maybe she wouldn't have gotten this" - and now it's like "if i start again maybe it will go away" - so i have been starting the ignition, or washing my hair, or driving to and from the house.... blah blah blah - i have found patterns by the way in everything....

okay now you* know too much.... i'm going to bed.

*you meaning everybody but jlp.

i can barely see the road from the heat comin off of it

so - i did that all night shit at work.

this time it was a lot easier than last time - but i still don't like it.

later my friend nick from richmond is coming - we're going to do sushi and a movie - since we're going to the dollar theatre i thought we'd see something worth a buck (this is only because nothing else is playing) - sorority row. then i might hit a meeting - cause i need one.

my head is someplace craaa-zy!

i mentioned that burrito i had yesterday - i'm pretty sure that it made me sick. not in a food poisoning way - but in fucking spicy as hell pico de gallo kind of way. i liked it at the time - but gahlee it made me ill. try going to sleep at eight in the morning when you can't even get off the commode.

and i was thinking i eat pico de gallo all the time at mexican places - but this was seriously one spicy burrito. i am way suspicious.

on my way to therapy i stopped in and bought some yarn (boring you to death?) and old navy had the smallest sign that said - additional 50% off clearance - so i stopped in and bought myself three things for $11 - including pants. i am the bargain-aire for sure.

that reminded me of something zrg says all the time - he says - i love you ten trillion two hundred billion nine thousand and nine times - (this number will change daily) - and he wants and waits for this response - "i love you ten trillion two hundred billion nine thousand and ten times!" - i have to outdo him constantly.

and that reminds me of something bdg says and i just sit and say to myself - yup - he wasn't switched at birth - but he said - "mom - are you serious (seer-ee-uus)?" when i was acting like a silly-mom and then he looked at zrg and said "are you kid-ding me?" - like at three he totally was busting me. me! mee-mee!

savoring this heart that's healing

i'm blogging from roanoke.

i made a hat, one glove and pretty much read everything online that i read - just waiting for my mom. this is supposedly a heavy-duty test so i guess it takes time.

the shrink changed my medicine - since i have time to commit to see him - he changed my ocd medicine (celexa in a heavy dose - 80mg) to luvox increasing until i get to 150mg in three weeks. then a shrink check.

i teleported back to bedford - jus kiddin. i'm home from therapy and the meeting - it all went pretty well. i told people about talking to bm - and how i know it's a slippery slope (for me) - so i guess i gotta watch it - relapsing for me isn't just about picking up a drink these days for a relationship junkie (aka addict) it's about those butterflies and the reaffirmation of how sexy i am - and all that stuff - next thing you know i'm not at church, missing meetings and tied up in the bathroom (true story) - so i gotta keep my head on straight even if that means ex-sex can't happen no matter how bad i want it.

on the way home from roanoke we went to dennys (awwww - i miss nj) - but i got an avocado and bacon burrito - and lemme just say i think it's one of the best things i have eaten in a minute. of course it was a bit complicated finding a table that i felt comfortable in - but once we did the stupid waitress put someone right behind me. this was semi-okay - all up-and-until my mom told me a story that made me spit my food and the kids at that table laughed too - spying kids. but they couldn't get a vein in her arm(s) right away - so she told the nurse if she missed/fucked up again (might've been her words) she was going to go get her daughter and the nurse said - "oh is she a nurse?" and my mom said "no, she was a junkie."

bacon was all over the place.

edit post: i just read that eric harris was on luvox. greeeeat.

edit post again: i decided against it - andrea yates was on that shit - no thanks.

and I leave my burdens at the door

well.

i figured out another thing i can't do like the rest of y'all.

talk to an ex.

i don't have chit-chat - i don't know how to be friends.

i'm just not that kinda girl.

maybe it's a learning thing - but i wish i was! truth be told - i wish i could shoot tm a message ... "hey, wussup kid?".... or i could've been semi-normal when i talked to bm (yes - i know) - but i am not. of course we all know what's up with jlm - and if i dare send jdg a note we know what kind of note i'd get back - a fucking warrant from henrico.

but i can't.

i'm just too wrapped up in that shit. i'm not going to beat myself up about it - but i can't do it.

in OTHER news:

today is a crazy day - i got the shrink at ten - taking my mom to roanoke for 12:30 - that test and then shopping and lunch out there - rushing back hitting up group therapy - a meeting and then i got called in for work tonight so that's cool. considering the toy story double feature was $47.00 plus refreshments (can you even imagine what it'll be like next year - lemme do the math for a 3d movie $69.00) - that's without a date.

then tomorrow morning (after work) i have to go to the library to work on a lab that my group has scheduled for saturday am.

word.

the morning is my absolutely favorite time of day - besides coffee, vh1 fresh start - crocheting and my readings i get to just not worry about the stuff that creeps in my mind as the day progresses (so this is my stress level at a one).

it's just the beast under your bed

today's gross.

not only is it raining - but i went to walk a friend's dogs - and not only did i lose one for a bit but i got soaked in the process.

i made some money though - chik-ching.

i'm making braeden a newsboy hat - actually i'm practicing the pattern for him and the next one will be for me. his in a cool beige.

i'm reading tonight at church - i sorta wanna hang out and chill. tomorrow i am pretty busy and when pretty busy and me go to bed together crazy things start happening.

i ordered some b&b surf spray - i always like my hair after the beach so i spent $22.00 on salt water. well - not exactly but you know.

i'm a consumer robot.

speaking of my hair my dad called me on skype last night - and asked what happened to my hair. the only way my dad ever really liked my hair was when i was bald - so his opinion doesn't count.

i thought about maybe contacting that elusive lover - but i know if he was even remotely single i'd have known by now. i'm waiting for a sign - anything for realz.

it's a friend's birthday and i made her some really cute things - i'm weird about that part of it - yknow the part that i have no control over (the part of whether she likes it or not) - but i did a pretty dece job so i'm betting it makes my average go up!

the rhythm of the street sure knocks you off your feet

so remember when i bid on that h&m purse but didn't win - well - i got a second chance offer. $13.13. not bad.

i think i'm gonna buy it.

nikki's birthday is next week - so she's the crafting victim this week. the fingerless mitts are such a hit - i think it's the whole wanting to stay warm - but text! - at the same time.

i came up with something last night - of course - i thought again it's just snuggling - but i gotta remember how fast i fall in love and that 99.7% of my heart is taken up already.

four minors and one adult male (still).

but when i said that jlm was the only dude that didn't leave me - i gotta remember the addicted tara. i chose drugs over everybody - even those four angels - it got bad in richmond - it got bad out here - it got bad in jersey.

how i know i was spiritually bankrupt (this isn't about my catholicism here) but i knew i had nothing left spiritually because my morals and my actions weren't on the same page. i grew up a pretty decent girl and when i was straight i thought about my friends, my boyfriends, my husband and my kids before the drugs.

but once i got on a run - i was useless to all those people.

that's how i know i'm in such a good place today.

i remember when jdg told me (whilst pregnant with the twins) that he would like to keep me pregnant forever - (he practically did) - because how nice i was when i was with child. and today i think getting pregnant all those times was my hp's way of slowing the disease down a little bit - otherwise i don't think i'd be here today.

all I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme

i got my hairs did. i am feeling the whole redhead girl from dazed and confused, cher from mask and julia roberts in mystic pizza - in other words i went really big. like embrace your curls, tara - and embrace em big.

so - it's either big runway hair or cheesy mall hair - depending if i'm in richmond or bedford.

unfortunately i'm in bedford a lot more.

went to the dentist too - my dentist is still hott - love em!

that was over in just like two minutes so i had time to kill - i went to this cool yarn store down in careytown and stopped in at need supply - and just outdid myself in their sale section but at least i was in the markdown range, right?

oh, yeah, i talked to justin for awhile. okay - i tmd him a lot more than we talked but we wound up talking too.

this is basically how it went:

me: listen i had a really good time yesterday

him: yeah, and?

me: i can't hang out with anyone i want to sleep with

him: oh.

me: and i don't want to have a relationship yet.

him. oh.

me: and if we hang out again - we're gonna end up naked.

me: and i just can't handle that with anybody right now.

me: and i'm sorry if i misled you.

me: cause i'm really confused.

him: me too.

him: keep my number?

me: mos' def.

so tomorrow when i'm posting about how i wanna creep up underneath somebody remind me that - NO! - i really don't. what i like (and this is a revelation f'shizzle) - is like everything right up until we get naked. i like the butterflies, the hand holding, the tms... the first kisses and kisses up and until the clothes come off - then guess what - it's just sex and right now - my pussy is too pristine to let anybody in it that hasn't earned it (ie not sure what that entails yet!)

so - justin is off the hook.

but let's talk jdg for a second. remember the post where i semi-puffed him up about the jimmy eat world song - well for about an hour after that i thought.... he's not so bad. and then he pulls a really good 'jdg' and i remember 'THAT'S why i'm not with him.' thank god for clarity moments - otherwise i might end up breaking the protective order again - and end up in fluvanna for flirting. and it wouldn't be hard - lemme just say that he must work out while he's sleeping - because his back is so wide... shoulders pretty fucking broad and legs that just scream - 'i work out!' - he didn't look anything like that when we were together.

ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

oh it'd be a shame not to see you again

viva la fuck it!

i am going shopping tomorrow after rva - and i tried these shoes on the day i bought those silver pants - but thought - 'when, tara, when?' - but just like every chick needs a black dress - i need new shoes and the ones i got for the wedding in august don't look great with jeans - or - these actually looked really cute hot with skinny jeans.

and even though i think my style today is definitely more rockstar meets hippie hipster - i can dress up and want to (soon).

so i hung out with justin.

we played cards and got coffees.

before i took my pants off this is what i thought about my jail virginity:

-no worries about funk in my stuff

-none of that first time utis

-my butthole looks really normal

-it STILL is october

-since we already had hooked up in march - why not?

-i did not have on hopechest underpants

-depeche mode was setting the pace....

so.... i kept my pants on.

making out is better than i remember it - i can pretty much date three to four makeout sessions in my life that compared to tonight. so i stopped there - why ruin a good thing.

he took me home and i drove to the meeting - peeps came out to celebrate my mom's clean time and i'm fixin' to get ready for tomorrow.

ps i couldn't sleep because that's not how i want to come off - i'll wait until lunch and ring him - all this is way too fast for me. right now i need a better lab partner - not this.

game over.

there's no escape without a scrape

my god.

the post office is closed - why didn't anyone tell me.

today isn't looking so hot for a walk - so i might chill with dude after work and before the meeting. he's got natural born killers - and i'm in the mood - so that's a possibility.

tomorrow on the other hand is gonna be nice..... i'm getting ahead of myself - tomorrow i am heading to richmond to 1. see the dentist! 2. get my hair cut! 3. see a friend!

i would've sworn two weeks ago i was not a tv baby - nope. i had one show grey's anatomy that i would peek at - if! - i was at home but otherwise i haven't turned on the tv but a handful of times since july.

well - today you would have to call me a liar! however - i haven't blocked out any night for tv - the fancast is awesome for this addiction. addiction to: supernatural, vampire diaries, house, the hills, the city, greys - i think that's it - but HELLO! - isn't that enough?

plus all this crafting - plus my homework - plus reading - plus blogging - plus meetings and shit - i swear i'm good.

you looking fancy and i like your style

that was a long day.

started off in lynchburg - with coffees and ended up in lynchburg - with coffees.

i told nikki about justin - she didn't think it was as good as an idea as i did - so tomorrow's lunch seems like a real downer now.... i'll tell him i gotta wait at the end of lunch why spoil a perfectly good date. i said it! cause i won't eat with him - i think that's where i lowered one of my guards with bm - i ate with him. this time - i'm taking it slow - including meals.

we parked - and picnicked - and played - and flew kites. after we got to the movies the babies were crying - they wanted to come but it was a double feature and i didn't know how braeden was going to do through two movies (fyi: he rocked it) - but we had some time so we hit up johnny rockets and then the movies. none of us had seen toy story 2 - so that was awesome and then of course video games and the drive home.

i'm pooped.

pictures.

nikki and zrg

zrg

vin

jitters, me and 'pete'

brae

so tomorrow morning i am going to a meeting - shit yeah - it's at 7am. i'm picking up a friend on the other side of bedford - only to go back to lynchburg. then the post office and then rush home get ready and i think we are shooting baskets or taking a walk - either way - i'm semi-excited. shit - he doesn't know this url - i'm way excited.

post script: tell me the boys shouldn't be kiss for halloween - if not this halloween - soon!

who are you crazy fucks?

so.

yeah - that's the drama in my life right now.

and it's beyond drama, right? i think reality and sucks go perfectly together here.

but it's mine - so i will own it and not pretend it's happening.

it's just a lot for a blog that talks mostly about my kids (!!!!) which are always way posi and boys. the boys are pretty posi as long as i'm not kissing them all night.

i don't know about you but i feel like i'm always making the first move - always.

for example:

sitting on dude's couch last night. i got up to pee right - and when you come back is that crucial move - where to sit on the couch? and if you're gonna sit close you better time and measure your 'sit' perfectly. if you have to re-do it - you're gonna look desperate.

so i do the whole sit on-one-leg-sit and the other was touching his thigh.

PERFECT!

i still got it.

but like i said i told him about the situation (not the word) and he understood enough to know it wouldn't be a night of dry-humping, spit-swapping and eyes-watering (wait - that ones just in my mind) - but i kissed him goodbye and add in a goooooood hug and you have another date on the horizon.

i don't think i'll be showing up for jeopardy - the last thing i wanna do is play dumb. and i doubt he'll be showing up for church.

but like i always say - (i do?) - tm me tomorrow.

people see me all the time

i don't know how i feel about ebay's suggestions for me - or that google barcode - what is that thing.

another thing i don't get is why the closest people in the world to me get sick.

i will not go into it on here - nor will get into it in any other area of my life - but my hp is testing me or maybe punishing me for something.

i am headed out - i have a fucking date.

and she ran to him... then they started to fly

so yeah.

wanna know where my mind is tonight?

i'll tell ya.

jlm - the guy that i was with almost twenty years ago - is the only guy that never left me. it's true. i left him over and over and over again. he always just wanted me back - and when he was on the outside - he treated me like i think i deserve to be treated.

(note: this is being written in the same state of mind that i've been in for the past couple hours - hysterical)

anyway - i'm done with the long-distance-crushing, anon-crushing, secret-crushing, non-reciprocated crushing - it's over!

i need attention.

and i do want to creep my way underneath a dude right now - i'm tired of writing blogs about it and being miserable. cause let's face it - that's what is happening. i'm talking about not hooking up with the dude i wanna - and here's the kicker: i've been married. i'm not looking to get married today to justin - he's not catholic so we won't get married anyway (i bet he'll be happy to hear that) - but i want a date to see where the wild things are - and shit like that. on nights off - i want to snuggle.

i'm tired of knitting.

btw - here's my tushy from behind - and bird's eye. i don't know if i'll return them or not - but everyone needs a 'going out' outfit - even if i still only wanna go out with the far away, anonymous, oneway crush.

fuck.

edit post: i held on to this one.

when she's dressed in black again

alright.

so - last night a friend told me she's pretty proud of me - (note: she does not read this blog) - about how i am staying away from guys (true?) and i'm getting to know myself (true!) and how i'm taking things pretty seriously (true) and so on. i wonder how people would react if they knew i was a ...

relationship junkie.

that's what i am right?

i like sexytime and all - but i like the butterflies, the packing to go see him, touching hands - does it mean everything to him that i'm feeling, hidden picture messages in these blogs, all that stuff too. maybe more.

maybe.

speaking of getting under somebody. i have a new piece of eyecandy at therapy these days - and here i was dressing up for myself - getting really cute jeans and doing my eyes up for me and dude comes in and says he doesn't have a drug/alcohol problem but you should hear the hot mess he got himself in. but he's gonna be there awhile - so tonight i'm dressing the part a bit (no - not the slut part) and will share my experience, strength and hope (hope to slide my way underneath him).

my experience will speak for itself.

i'm jus' kiddin.

first i'm going to the mall - i got another coupon for a free pair of vs underpants - vs is not really my cup of tea... now if i got la perla, parrah or demaris coupon i'd be impressed.

if i got the black label la perla underpants i have my eye on - you best believe i'd be picture posting a bit more.

put your hurt on me, if you dare

ah.

so immediately after i got ready to leave - nikki called and she got a job the other day and she thought they might want her to start tomorrow so she had to get her paperwork in order.

hey she is the smartest girl i know doing something that i wish i could do. but that's what ten years of school gives you.

alas - she is starting monday - so we talked for hours instead.

i did go to therapy - shopping and then home. i got some yarn (big surprise!) for that finger deal - and i had dinner talked to zrg and went to church.

EARLY!

adoration is from 10am to 6:45 pm - and this is the first week of an every wednesday deal of benediction and then mass. i got there around five.

i said fifty mysteries of the rosary and then took a break - got confession and waited for benediction.

today is the feast of the rosary - so we sang mary songs and it was pretty awesome. i felt like a million bucks after.

in less great pious news: i asked and prayed and confessed that i can stop having sexy thoughts. you may think it's funny - that i blog about dudes all the time. but it's making me mad.

when i break it down - especially in therapy - i know a boy isn't gonna fix me. and you know my motives aren't great about the note-leaving-kissing-rebab boy.

i'm just confused.

i've never been alone.

since i was seventeen i was with jlm - and he doubled up with jdg - and he doubled up with tm and then bm. i can't do this.

i know i can do this.

women to the left of me & women to the right

first things first.

i got pulled over yesterday.

this little hottie cop with more black makeup than me - gave me a warning - told me to wait until i get outta the city (bedford!) before i speed up.

i gotcha girl.

and thank you.

i got a good day planned. kirby changed therapy (one-on-one) to two - i hate that. i can turn it around and look at it as 14:00 but i don't have that 24hr watch. if i had that - two o'clock would be perfect.

then me and nikki are going to see a movie. the new movie theatre has $1 movies until thursday - so that's the plan. then church. then na.

see what i'm saying - the day is full.

like i said last night - dude left another note on my car. this time my car was at a meeting in goode - i tmd him and said i was up in my head on whether to tm him or not and he said to take my time but he'd like to hear from me when i'm ready.

i can definitely deal with that. in november!

creeping around the internet last night i came up with a few conclusions:

1. i'm glad my ex-obsession doesn't have any way to find him on the internet. i'm not a social networker either. so i am not surprised that he's not... but if he was his blog i'm sure would kill me.

2. i don't have enough time to craft everything i want to.

3. i really want those sneakers (the top down reeboks)

4. i am making this for a few peeps for halloween - it's a chapstick holder!

5. i don't have one hard word on the 14th for chuch!

i got invited to do something specific on thanksgiving weekend - so i am headed to nj a lot sooner... i told you i was in a good mood.

hannah montana. toy story 2 pc . serial generator. demonoid. patch by cracklabs. hot new single

for every post on here - i delete three.

i think i honestly talk about sex too much - i mean once i start having it - i won't be typing about anything but i think about it a lot. that's one thing i know i won't be sharing how good it is on freakin' blog posts (and if it's bad i won't be sticking around either).

i taught myself to crochet with that chick on youtube the other day - knitting is awesome don't get me wrong - but there are a few things i really want to make and i'm still young (!!!) so i thought why not!? well - i had to pretty much trash everything i made because i was doing it wrong but it's only day four and i'm going to try it again.

i'm actually happy i am figuring it out now...

it could be like the knitting - i do a hard knitting technique and now it's been too long and i can not for the life of me pick up a technique called continental knitting. the first couple of weeks would/could be slower but then the rest of my life i would be an awesome knitter.

maybe after the holidays - i'm knitting presents and with court looming - school killing me, KILLING ME - working - therapy - and everything else - i don't have time for mediocrity.

i'm gonna go on some nerdy-pc-type-of-messageboard and see if any geeked out boy wants to tell me how to get pc games (for zrg) downloaded and burned. i am pretty posi i'll break my computer if i try - don't forget - i don't have any kind of virus protector right now because that ca one won't work! it puts a firewall up and i can't go online.

it's really just this toystory 2 one that he wants - and it'll cost me six bucks on ebay - if i get no help today i'll just do it.

if you're a lurker and you can help - please do. ysi to me.

how did i do - yknow - not talking about boys or sex - not bad huh?