something to hold when i lose my grip

i should probably take a break from this shit.

i just wrote and rewrote and rewrote this post because it keeps going back to one thing: relationships, porn and getting laid.

i wanna see a good movie - or even go to the library i have a few books on the hold shelf - maybe find a new pattern to crochet or pack for jersey - but i am stuck on this and i can't seem to stop.

sure - it's not a bad obsession - and i mean i'm not gonna get a dui or arrested (i think) for watching porn - however i was late for a meeting last friday.

i'm just saying - i wish i wasn't the type of girl that brought feelings everytime i got naked.

i wish i was more cold!

let's move on.

today i went to church and got my hp fix, then probation, then i signed my deed/house away, went to work for three hours... GOT MY DRESS in the mail, my mom picked me up a few bras and ironed out plans for wednesday with the peeps.

a good friend said today that the pictures i sent out of me and jdg and the boys (and one with just zrg, jdg and me) - has got to be good for the kids. i mean i know it's sounds strange but we still are a family and we'll always be a family.

and no, no matter how cool jdg is (or how big his shoulders wind up), i don't wanna get underneath him (well - not yet) - he is the father of my kids and i did love him for a long time. so yknow it can't hurt that we are friendly.

i was thinking something that has changed since the whole porn thing - is i stopped reading at church. not on purpose but between h1n1 - my weeks off - and work and stuff - i've had about a month or so off. i know that god called me to do the liturgy - he prolly doesn't want me pushing it off (especially to have dirty thoughts all the time!)

plus - i did get laid in that month a few times and it's like drugs and what we say in na - "one is too many and a thousand is never enough...." - i just gotta remind myself that boys don't just equal getting naked and tossing around on the bed with - they break plans and break my heart over and over.

even if they do make me cum over and over.

and over.