dressing up to touch all this

the rain is haunting.

so - yesterday was four weeks on luvox. i upped the dose to what he thinks will be okay for now - and taking a whole one in the am really knocked my shit loose. i slept almost all day.

i was feeling so incredibly crappy that i cancelled church - and lemme just say - that was all my hp's doing.

because even though i cancelled church i thought/decided/(what in the hell was i really doing) got ready to go meet bm. and pulling outta the makeshift driveway at the end of the property - i got stuck - my car did the three-point turn with my help but that's it. i tried every piece of land i didn't tear up to get it out - and now it looks like i got raking to do when this weather dries up.

so - i immediately lost my serenity - and called him and even though he was driving past here and it would've been not even ten extra minutes to drive me home later that evening - he wouldn't.

i keep remembering what zrg's teacher tells him - "go with the flow" - sure i was immediately upset but what got me the most was when it was happening i was ON the phone with zrg and he didn't understand why i was so upset - so i went inside to call him back and he was like (HE'S SIX) - 'mommy - you know what you need? - a towtruck!' and he was right.

louie is fixin to pull me out in just a few minutes.

after that i came inside and really weighed out my options for thanksgiving. i know me (and you know me) - if i come to new jersey with my own car bad things can/might happen - and even though my dad says i "don't need meetings - because i won't be drinking because he'll be watching me the whole time" - if i wanted to and if there was a will there would be a way. but let's throw the whole fact that i would be back in new jersey - and i would be around the same places that i used to be in - i might need more than my dad and the lack of a car and the weight of the world to keep me from going (in my mind first) to the places that might call and drinking isn't the only thing that might is on my mind.

so i thought - i'm gonna fly.

i get the credit card - jump on jetblue and to me is seems RIDICULOUS that i can fly to the bahamas cheaper than i could fly to jfk in queens.

so i'm gonna drive.

i am gonna email jdg later and see about me seeing the kids that wednesday - and then leaving from rva getting to new jersey that same night.

in shopping news (definitely no less important news) - i finally paid for that dress and i was debating on whether to buy those boots or get those reeboks i had my eye on. i found the sneakers on ebay in black and the boots on dsw and both are reasonable.

that was the easiest part of the past two days to wrap my mind around - and that is usually my biggest hurdle.

by the way - your november dealio is done and done.

i wished it could've gotten there for tomorrow - but when it does pretend it's the 13th.

(ps i wasn't the only one who took that picture)