caught up in a whirlwind, can't catch my breath

as you know i follow mr. pete on twitter - it's no big deal but i have noticed a trend.

if you read his shit he is a very insecure man - always showing the same picture (okay, he's linked it about five times in a week) where granted he looks really sexy (dressed up like a cop) but it screams insecurities each time he posts it.

and he's always putting up headshots - saying looky how ugly i am... and even if one percent of his nineteenhundred followers tweet back... "no, pete, you're the sexiest m-fer out there (uncircumcised maybe)" and instantly = he feels better.

like a drug.

we went to the shore and i smelled the ocean - remembered and let go of some things that kinda were symbolic - it was a plan that i followed through on and it felt so good.

me and my dad.

dad!

on the way home we almost had - at least - five accidents. of course my dad would disagree but driving here hasn't changed - as a matter of fact it's worse. i have no doubt that i probably used drugs to mask how nervous i got driving here.

we hung out and then went out to dinner - we went to the bonefish grill and i got the ahi tuna. it was cooked perfectly. i skipped the starch and substituted for more vegetables.

at dinner i saw a guy i went to high school with - and what are the odds. i hate to toot my own horn but compared to this guy and the peeps i saw on facebook (note: on a fake account) - i look pretty cute for my thirties. i'm sorta glad i didn't peak in high school.

i finally figured out that i can not figure out photoshoppe. so i asked tm to help and he said cool. i mean not only is that big of him - but gahlee - i feel good.

here's why:

not only can i admit today that i don't know everything and ask for help but i don't have to be hateful to tm - i mean we both said stuff, did stuff and blah blah blah that wasn't cool - but that doesn't mean i gotta walk around with hate in my heart forever and this is what (i think) friends do for each other.

and when tm delivered (without hate in his heart) - he delivered to the millionth degree. i am not fronting either - it's something that makes this gift one of those gifts that i can't wait for my peeps to open.

thanks tm.

through the fields of dirt

i woke up earlier than my dad - but still i slept the longest i have in about ten months. even in jail you had to wake up to go to the chow hall around five in the am - and then you could go back to sleep (of course) but i slept right through - 9:45.

then he woke up and while i was getting ready in his bathroom - we were talking and of course i was laughing because - intentional or not - he's really funny.

finally he bursts out with - stop being so loud you keep turning the lights on and off - he has a clapper i guess and sure enough - when i looked - the lights were blinking.

some things never change.

i woke up and had a cup of via - i didn't wanna make the man buy a coffee pot for four mornings of coffee so i bought it last night. and even though i can totally taste the difference (smell the difference too) between fresh brewed - it woke me up enough to get ready.

after we got in the car - and my dad readjusted the seat after i drove last night - we headed out. ac moore for yarn for my mom (same lot number = check), pearl art for crafty christmas presents (totally forgot it's a state law you have to be 18+ to buy spray paint), gas (forgot that cash is cheaper than credit here), toys r us (opened a credit card for fifteen percent off) and finished up zrg, black shack for lunch, sneakers for me!, visited babci and finally home.

my dad readjusts!

instant alarm!

if you're gonna rip your shirt, rip it right!

black shack!

the ford plant = rip

babci.

winter kicks.

i'm headed to a meeting tonight - new jersey na meetings are all pretty much ninety minutes long - i'm not doing the whole thing but i will try. first things first - steak and eggs for dinner then a rummy match that's been on hold since '07.

(tm i sent you an email with a photoshoppe request - lemme know if you got it - not sure if that was your email addy or not!)

you know she thrills me with all her charms

so - everytime i try to blog about how thanksgiving ended up - it's me puking all over the page and you really don't wanna know any of it.

the bm thing is done.

now - for some awesomeness.

first of all - i'm on some fios goodness - and even though i usually creep around the internet on a cable modem - this is well... this is nice.

the trip was snafu after snafu - starting with going on a bus. besides meeting jeffari (i'm serious) who was on the way to albany to sell onepointfive pounds of mushrooms following phish for the next ten days - landing him back in charlottesville. when he heard me on the phone with a friend whining (who me?) about taking a taxi to the train station he offered and then walked me to penn station outta the bus station in times square - and after we got to msg he left me to cop dope - armed with a military style d ring that fit his knuckles.

i had his phone number.

then while waiting for njtransit (hello - when did this go double-decker) - i was pretty much yelled out by some guy and this guy jameson pretty much defended me. this trip is very different with sad and ocd - i'm not sure i will do it again.

oh yeah - and if you haven't hung around me recently or believe me when i do tell the truth about my ocd - you won't believe this part of the story but it's real.

oh it's real.

i had to flush the data card for my phone (that was my quick and cheap fix for music - since i needed some music on my trip) - well the songs were coming on in a random fashion and when i started to notice a pattern i made a deal (yes - with god) - i was convinced that god wasn't in charge since so many things went wrong on the trip (and this might have been my exhaustion) but when the sixth song in a row was a message from the devil - i took the card out before an evil final seventh song came on - and threw the card away.

now, now ... i know this sounds silly.

crazy.

but at the time - i was convinced that if the seventh song managed to be played - i might not make it to see my dad (or my kids or bedford or anything holy ever again).

so my dad took me back to his new house (which by the way is fucking gorgeous)(note: remember our older house of the two burnt down in 07) - and i slept while he went and got his second of five epidural shots for pain management.

if by how many pictures i post of my kids - you can imagine how many i have around my place... my dad has that many of me. not just pictures but the 'better' art i created growing up and even some paintings/bracelets/keychains i made in rehabs across the years. i now know exactly the love these things holds - i know because i hold onto my kids art the same way.

i went to a meeting tonight and then i stopped at the mall. come on i had to. even though we're going shopping shopping tomorrow and monday - i needed to dip into a few stores and buckled - and bought a pair of skinny jeans. and i bought them on my period - so you know i'm feeling pretty decent about that (note: me getting my period - today - another example of my hp making sure i stay outta trouble - or at least some trouble - while here!)

'cause they've got to ride forever on that range up in the sky

thanksgiving.

shamanksgiving (per zakkary).

my kids are the four most cool kids i ever met - they can make me cry or laugh with just one look and at the same time make me grateful for every single thing we've been through together already because as soon as my dad says 'go' - i'm gone.

i need to be in the same city - maybe not in the same school zone but definitely in henrico.

i hate the traffic though - i drove past the highway (64) and never got on but the entrance was enough to make me puke - i think driving through new jersey on thanksgiving weekend will be the ultimate test of my serenity (and sobriety!).

i forgot my camera so jdg brought his to dinner... speaking of dinner we ordered a few pancake platters, he got some disgustingly huge steak burrito deal, two pancake kid meals and three extra servings of sausages (that's 12 big pancakes, 10 kid size, three eggs over medium, 15 sausage links, two regular milks, one apple juice, one chocolate milk, two sweetteas and that thing that jdg ordered) - and it was ALL gone.

nothing left over... it looked like the godfather was at the table in the beginning and at the end it looked like we were at the salvation army.

thatsamyboys.

after the movie, dinner and new socks at urban i busted about over a hundred bucks - but gahlee- i have never been happier.

after i got home i watched the porno! house md and fell asleep.

i am having major league stomach issues.

this morning after being woken up by the sound of shotguns - there's something comforting about men hunting today... it makes me think of when i was little and my dad and my pop would go get a turkey on thanksgiving morning... i don't think they shot the bird but they definitely saw him alive. hunting season is over saturday and then the deer come out - they laugh at us - and they are everywhere. i remember hanging out at bms all winter last winter and _the day_ that hunting season ended they started to just hang out everywhere.

smart m-fers.

after waking up to bambi being killed - i went for a walk - went to sharon's to take care of her dogs and helped my mom clean up. i am unpacking and thinking about accessories to go with each outfit (gold or silver) (shoes) and then i'm gonna repack.

i gotta do the dogs once more - then dinner at a friends - and maybe a meeting.

when me and vin had h1n1 - and brae had strep - jer and zrg went treating with my dad and jdg - here's proof!

for the trouble that i've known

i'm fixing to go to richmond and i gotta say it's been a decent day already.... i woke up early and since it didn't seem too cold i went for a walk/run and watched the sun come up through the clouds - made my bed which was mostly made (a+) - had a good morning with my mom, sponsor, self - i'm going to pay the foot doctor bill and then it's rva (movies with all four?)(dinner out!).

these are the blessings my hp gives me everyday - to sit back and have four children that are growing up with a sober mom and getting back in their lives and moving to richmond to settle and get them more and more and more - that's the stuff that i can see and know that my hp carries me EVERYDAY.

i struggle with all that though - i think all the time that i should be this or that - or i wanna say things to certain people and really rip them new assholes and i don't.

i'm trying to do something different and that's part of it - and i'm thankful that my hp puts love in my heart in the place of hate and resentments today.

even if i do scam the library.

even if i do watch too much porn.

even if i do wanna bring my laptop on the trip today and 'listen' to wolverine while i'm driving.

even if i do get myself sideways, ontop, underneath, (even) upsidedown with my ex and am prolly too sore to ride the bus that entire time!

even if i say it's only 'f'ing emo style' instead of making love (gross!).

even if i think i gotta be skinnier - for my dad - because he really has a problem with overweight people and one-twenty-five is not skinny enough.

even if i want a porn subscription for christmas.

see - my hp - is cool with all that - cause it's me.

and i'm on a path of change but gahlee - it's not overnight.

what happened to miss-no-longer-afraid?

so.

the stuff i HAD to get done for the day - is pretty much done.

i still wanna go return a few things at toys r us - and the reason is selfish: i wanna do some shopping in nj where that fifty percent special is running... and i wanna return a black sweater to old navy and i need some yarn for a project....

then i got myself a date.

i actually didn't get away with my library scam like i thought i was gonna - because i feel guilty as hell. i owe time traveler's wife (today) - and i have a wolf at the dinner table and wolverine (dvd) on the hold shelf. so when i was going to check out the chick said, "did you know ttw was due today?" and i said, "no, really? - can i bring it back later and just get these" - and i fully knew it and i fully knew i am not planning on returning it until i get back from nj in nine days.... BUT i did it anyway.

now - the program doesn't say i have to be perfect but it does say that i have to change and boy do i feel like returning it and just seeing the fucking movie. i looked that bitch in the eye and lied straight out.

it's already in my bus bag - so fuck it.

tomorrow is gonna be decent - the kids are almost as happy as i am to be seeing a movie and go out to eat!

then things have dramatically changed for thursday - a friend asked me to let her dogs out in the wake of me and bm discussing the rva/thanksgiving crossover and it was perfect timing to do something for someone else anyway.

so thanksgiving looks like i will shave about two-hundred and fifty miles off of it - and stay local.

i want it bad, your bad romance

so - there's a new pattern for wristwarmers and well - i have bought about twenty(odd) patterns but these are nice because without doing that up-and-down ribbing on the wrist they look like they get tight on the wrist... and well... the number two reason i wanna buy it (maybe the number one reason) - look how happy she is.

i think if i had those wristwarmers on (note: i only made myself one thing in all my crafting days) - i could be dancing on nyc streets like that.

so i talked to bm - we are gonna do a little something. we both kinda know what's going on and we are both missing each other... and well - whatever happens it's better than not doing it.

it's better to go away for this trip having something to come home to.

a funny thing he said the last time we 'parked' - (note: totally different kind of parking) - but anyway - there was a part where he said, "this is when a 'normal' chick would be calling the law" - i think that's either when his hands were around my neck or something very similar.

i'm fixing to go to work for an hour!!! - then to meeting sharon and hit bedford na and then i got packing to do (my bus bag this time) and a date to get ready for.

i mean - he reads my blog - he knows that i need a little attention before the stressful holiday.

releasing stress is the name of the game.

something to hold when i lose my grip

i should probably take a break from this shit.

i just wrote and rewrote and rewrote this post because it keeps going back to one thing: relationships, porn and getting laid.

i wanna see a good movie - or even go to the library i have a few books on the hold shelf - maybe find a new pattern to crochet or pack for jersey - but i am stuck on this and i can't seem to stop.

sure - it's not a bad obsession - and i mean i'm not gonna get a dui or arrested (i think) for watching porn - however i was late for a meeting last friday.

i'm just saying - i wish i wasn't the type of girl that brought feelings everytime i got naked.

i wish i was more cold!

let's move on.

today i went to church and got my hp fix, then probation, then i signed my deed/house away, went to work for three hours... GOT MY DRESS in the mail, my mom picked me up a few bras and ironed out plans for wednesday with the peeps.

a good friend said today that the pictures i sent out of me and jdg and the boys (and one with just zrg, jdg and me) - has got to be good for the kids. i mean i know it's sounds strange but we still are a family and we'll always be a family.

and no, no matter how cool jdg is (or how big his shoulders wind up), i don't wanna get underneath him (well - not yet) - he is the father of my kids and i did love him for a long time. so yknow it can't hurt that we are friendly.

i was thinking something that has changed since the whole porn thing - is i stopped reading at church. not on purpose but between h1n1 - my weeks off - and work and stuff - i've had about a month or so off. i know that god called me to do the liturgy - he prolly doesn't want me pushing it off (especially to have dirty thoughts all the time!)

plus - i did get laid in that month a few times and it's like drugs and what we say in na - "one is too many and a thousand is never enough...." - i just gotta remind myself that boys don't just equal getting naked and tossing around on the bed with - they break plans and break my heart over and over.

even if they do make me cum over and over.

and over.

but i'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

so richmond was awesome - i mean if you aren't counting - good thing i am - i haven't had a bad visit day (weather-wise) since this summer.... so we had a double-header at football and then we parked like nobody's ever parked. jdg turned cool in this last furlong of the d - i mean we are spending thanksgiving-eve together (out to eat) and that wouldn't of be dreamed up by anybody a few months ago.

we still rock.

snap this.

touchdown assist.

when did THAT happen?

my crew!

WTF! capital W!

he's better!

wendys!

obligatory leave shot.

jitter rocks.

since when is three the new sexy?

you would NEVER find mexican soccer in bedford!

gooooooooooal!

vin.

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

i mean why do i have holes in my pants?

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

the only dilemma i got ahead of me is wednesday night - after the movies with zrg and bdg and dinner with jdg and the boys (all of them) it's a choice of to come home or not.... i wanna dip in at nick's on thursday but i so don't wanna drive, drive, drive, drive... but i was invited to go to the not so silent night shit in richmond on friday the fourth and since i'll do a visit prolly that saturday - i figure i can spend the night that night. but this would be two nights in practically one week - and even though we talked about it (tonight) - i don't wanna send the wrong impression to anybody (including nick's roommate)(but mostly nick)(and most definitely my mom) - i'm saying - i worked too hard to get the bad image that some people had of me gone.

i have time to think about each.

and where do we go from here

so i had to work until five and -no- i didn't see lil' james deen's mom but i thought maybe i should take that picture down... i dunno how she'd ever find it but gahlee - i bet i'd lose my job if she did.

regardless - today was just blah.

since i got home so late it was awkward to sleep - i had a few nightmares and a few good dreams - but both kept waking me up.

so - i am not really that excited to go back in a few short hours.

but there is money to be spent - and sometimes i guess that means there's money to be made.

i know this past week i had a lot of boy issues and i'm not quite a divorcee and i'm not quite in a relationship - and i wasn't even given a chance to defend myself with third boy - and all three gave me emotional funk that piled on top of each other - instead of the normal one at a time bullshit. "the courage to change the things i can." (insert repeat mantra all day long)

having periods on things in my life (not the bloody kind) is meaning so much to me today. i never ever put anything away for good - every single relationship was put far enough back that i couldn't get to it unless i really wanted it and then i would do what i had to to get it back.

today - i can say - it's over. and mean it. gahlee - it does hurt - prolly more than the 'what ifs' but it is just good to move on - "in either direction."

i wanted apps. i do - i went to a pawn shop in lynchburg and will go back when the dude gets an itouch - i don't know why i want it but about $100.00 i can get one and do all the cool shit it does. plus i need a new mp3 player anyway - so.... yeah.

i finished all my labs for school - and with one month to go - i can't get less than a b - even if i didn't show up to the final. i did really well when i was a regular school aged college girl - but with some experience (personal stuff: having kids, my own issues, mom issues, dad issues) - i can relate what i'm learning and understand and apply it easier.

a&p two will not be with this teacher - thank god - but i will see her occasionally.

you're at your best when when the goin' gets rough

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put your eyes on me

alrighty then.

i am not going to say how much i spent today - but it was way more than i had planned to - so in the middle of the toys r us and bestbuy madness i called jdg and he called me back (this is big here) and said that a few of the things i planned on getting were not really the kids thing (appreciate this) and i wound up talking to zrg and he told me that he was planning on writing santa tomorrow and listed a bunch of stuff - so that was even better.

NOW christmas is cool again.

i feel like it was christmas for me today - i got my boots and my sneakers in the mail (still no dress and no word from the chick.... i hate that)

last night - i have to be bad for a second - this lady at work was showing me pictures of her kids and to sneak off and take a picture of her son with my phone was really hard but ... this is him - does he or does he not look like THE james deen . . . . . okay maybe not in 3, 4, 5 or 6 but definitely in 1 and 2!!!

come on!!!

i could not tell her on so many levels but i wanted to - i told anybody that would listen today!

i paint a picture of the days gone by

today was supposed to be a day of eye-popping art at the taubman but i woke up later than i wanted - so i will be getting my license (thank you very much) - and going out to eat with nick. i thought twice and three times about getting involved but i know it was just in the wake of feeling gross - and today i feel a million times better.

i think we're gonna stake out best buy - i really would like to buy the kids a wii - and the prices are decent and everything is going good with that but i just KNOW that jdg will play with it prolly more than zrg or bdg and it makes me furious.

i can already see him toting the laptop my dad got zrg for christmas around and letting zrg have the 'family' computer (re: he gave zrg his lap top from rutgers - but it's already had the frozen harddrive trick twice - so my dad got him a laptop when he got mine).... anyway - i know i can't control anything anyway - even if i lived there - i am powerless.

depending on the mood i'm in will determine how best buy goes.

after that it's thursday group therapy and bedford aa - yesterday i got five texts telling me bm was at the kirk meeting. i officially gave that meeting up - i need someplace i can share honestly and i know he won't come to na (yet) and i can talk there... plus it falls on the heels of church so that's two for one... so yeah.

i might drag nick to get my feet done - last time he paid for it (hee) - so i might see if he's willing today.

(god - that reminded me of an old behavior and that tm conversation has me thinking - a. i'm going to get my feet done and i'm going to pay for it, b. i'm treating him to a pedi too - payback.)

fight the good fight every moment

as i'm letting my pills kick in for bed - i'm sorta glad i didn't bring my laptop to work... it would've been just blog post/delete/blog post/delete - i did talk to tm.

it didn't go good in one way - but it was perfect in a bunch of ways.

he doesn't know me today - of course i was a liar - heh, i was a junkie and i was using him and it's not pretty now and it will never be pretty.

and a nurturing relationship - i was always high and i was married - i don't know how that would've been possible (i had to look up what a nurturing relationship even is...)

but i'm not gonna pretend that it didn't hurt a little - but see - tm was (operative word) on my list of amends - i think by me taking all the fault in what happened with us on that im - i gave him what he needed.

now i hope that he leaves my blog alone.

please.

i'm freakin for my little baby

i wrote this entire blog post about porn and deleted it.

i mean it wasn't literature at it's finest but gahlee - it really let you in on who i am today a little bit. i have a very recent ex that looks exactly like one of my favorite dudes in porn - it ruins it slightly. just slightly.

but the funny part of my discontent in the blogpost (that really needed editing) was the disapproval rating when i found out that these two dudes (i promise - no linking) mr. pete and james deen - did regular porn.

i really liked imagining them just tying girls up and being mean to them (mr. pete's own words on a twitvideo) - oh yeah... this is funny... i don't tweet but i follow four twitters - jlp, peter facinelli, mr. pete and james deen.

james deen is funny - 99% of his pictures are taken down almost immediately but he twits from work and well - i kinda like that.

i don't think that qualifies as funny really but i still like the daily photos.

i think i'm finally posting about this now because mr. pete posted a picture of what he was drinking tonight (this no linking shit sucks) - but he was drinking the syrup or the purple drink as he called it. i have a few memories (yknow that i remember of that stuff) - i never drank it in a club or called it a drank but gahlee - i do remember vaguely the gator movie - snow - and the rest is part that was edited but lemme point out that it was fun and good and a whole buncha words that mean the same thing.

oh yeah that's my tushy - taken in 08 for bm but now for the entire world.

like disco lemonade

i am in a quandary.

i know that life is never easy - well - i should say my life is never easy. i always complicate it - a saying in the rooms is 'i can complicate a two piece puzzle' - and it's true. i will have things going my way and plans are at noon - but sometime before noon i make it crazy and i do it right.

after the meeting last night i was told i look delicious - who says that anymore? - sometimes i really need that kind of attention.

this morning on the news there was an arrest at vt (NO LINK I PROMISE) about some guy who burnt up the dorm using hand sanitizer as the accelerant - and i can relate. every where you go it's hand sanitizer in gallons and big five gallon containers on every countertop known to man.

i get it - i had h1n1 - but i am just saying that hand sanitizer is great but don't shove it down my throat everywhere i go. i still find it amazing that i can go into people's bathroom and feel their soap or the sink and it's dry.

it's not just other people's butt germs (and let's face it that's what we're talking about) - small pieces of poop get into your system and you get germs and nasties and get sick. i wash my own hands even in my own house and even when no one's here.

i mentioned that i opened an old navy card when they had a fabulous sale on opening a card recently - but it came yesterday and it's an old navy visa card. i don't need it really - but here's where they get you. IF you use it anywhere else they will give you ten old navy bucks - and that's how they get you to break it in - and it's christmas and i need new makeup (DON'T WORRY NO BORING LINKS COMING) and i want new underwear and there's a ships ahoy necklace on etsy that i want (THIS NO LINKING IS HARD) - and rain boots -and i really want some yarn - and buttons but i am going to spend what i make and that's it.

i mean if the kids got a christmas that reflects the divorce it would be banging but that's the money i'm gonna use to get back to richmond for next christmas.

so this is an xxx link - while looking for a sexy delicious picture this showed up. i don't know if that chick has a really wide mouth or that's one skinny dick but it doesn't look sexy or delicious at all.

you seemed so close but yet so cold

so while talking to jlp earlier she said the only reason she knew anything about my blog was because i told her - and that even if ::you:: were reading it - it wasn't obvious.

so i read back - and i can see that.

i have been trying to protect myself this entire time - i guess because ::you:: haven't contacted me and so on - i just said it's better off.

but i wanna tell you and then i wanna be okay with the fact that you moved on and you're happy and you're exactly where you want to be.

i'm up to i wanna tell you - the rest about being okay and happy and blah blah blah is exactly where i am not today.

but that's just today.

tomorrow i may wake up and say,

"tara - you never had a proper go with him and you should give your heart the chance to just tell him that much - if only that much."

but i doubt it will be tomorrow because tomorrow i have a lot of shit to do - and i don't wanna pick my heart up - wipe it off - blow off the dirt - sew in the stitches - kiss it better.... nope... i wanna go to a meeting at noon and try and stay clean so that i will have the courage one day to say that i want another chance - or like jlp pointed out - a first real chance.

but honestly - the part i'm up to today is - i wanna tell you and i want you to say that you love me back.

happily ever after.

the end.

jenn - THAT is an obvious post. unrealistic - but obvious.

now i just sit on the ground in your way

so that picture pretty much sealed the deal with jdg.

i got the kids a flipbook /album together of stuff we did since -yknow- and while putting it together there was THAT picture of brae.

instantly (and i wasn't alone) (everyone - including jdg, my dad, my mom, sharon) - all sighed and wiped our brow! - jdg even said "whew!" - it was probably the only conversation that day that was even close to that at the jewish community center flag-football event.

to tell you the truth - i am pretty emo today.

vin is too sick to really hang out and well - i really don't wanna push him to hang out and maybe get sick again - it's semi-vital that i see him better and soon!

to wrap up the jdg subject - my mom was watching the royal tennenbaum's and she swore that luke wilson was jason - i hate to say it but i can see it.

(and i kinda wanted to know exactly what medicine the doctor sent her home on....)

after my much needed sleep i got dressed and went to a meeting - it was a good meeting too. which i way needed. this morning i set my alarm to go to bedford aa for seven - and around eight louie was calling saying my mom really needed me.

so i was glad i stayed home...

today i'm just chillin', crocheting, retail therapy via cyber purchases and later a meeting and maybe a movie.

i might decide to blog about how my dad wants to get me my own place in the spring - and my mom is convinced i'm not ready to not only be a homeowner again but to be out on my own. and i semi-agree but i found the cutest place (i don't think i'd have to do much to it - looky the bathroom & kitchen) - so i might be ready by spring.

that brings up a whole entire post about leaving bedford - and my people - and my mom - and my (secret)boyfriend - and blah blah blah - but i gotta get to richmond to get my kids more and i gotta get my kids more - therefore i gotta get to richmond.

born on the bayou

that working that overnight shit is just fucking stupid - i mean i know "we" (world collective) need third shift people i'm just glad 99.9% of the time it's not me.

i literally rolled outta bed on this one - ate and then laid back down. of course i ate a michelina's microwave lean gourmet meal.

i was thinking if i was left to my devices - on days/bunch of days - that my mom is in the hospital and i don't feel like cooking for me, for her or for louie - i could most definitely do like three of these a day and that would be about 650 calories.

and even if i added in one more instead of eating the sixty-plus halloween candies i usually throw in there for good measure (because i did sooooo good with the meals - and i deserve it dammit!) - today i am putting down the candy.

(that's easier said than done - plus it's already three pm)

i hung out with bm afterall - (lemme try and get this straight) - on thursday. he's got some parts of this shit down - and then there are a few that it's no secret pointing them out here in a world wide forum - that hurt my feelings.

he is not sensitive at all to the numbers i live by - therefore making my ritualizing ten fold when i either part company or do things like go into a store.... i am not on some crazy tween-vampire-ride. so don't treat me like i'm a zombie with a edward cullen mission (although if capitalizing on the twilight hat makes me tweenish i'm game) - i watch mature vampire programs.

true blood.

vampire diaries.

let's get real i'm an adult who fantasizes about supernatural life and when not in church it's about blood-sucking-sexy-young-adults-trying to-stay-young-forever!

in other words - me - on a much lesser scale.

i always thought that renee on the road crew was the hottest - and that accent killed me.

gawd.

dressing up to touch all this

the rain is haunting.

so - yesterday was four weeks on luvox. i upped the dose to what he thinks will be okay for now - and taking a whole one in the am really knocked my shit loose. i slept almost all day.

i was feeling so incredibly crappy that i cancelled church - and lemme just say - that was all my hp's doing.

because even though i cancelled church i thought/decided/(what in the hell was i really doing) got ready to go meet bm. and pulling outta the makeshift driveway at the end of the property - i got stuck - my car did the three-point turn with my help but that's it. i tried every piece of land i didn't tear up to get it out - and now it looks like i got raking to do when this weather dries up.

so - i immediately lost my serenity - and called him and even though he was driving past here and it would've been not even ten extra minutes to drive me home later that evening - he wouldn't.

i keep remembering what zrg's teacher tells him - "go with the flow" - sure i was immediately upset but what got me the most was when it was happening i was ON the phone with zrg and he didn't understand why i was so upset - so i went inside to call him back and he was like (HE'S SIX) - 'mommy - you know what you need? - a towtruck!' and he was right.

louie is fixin to pull me out in just a few minutes.

after that i came inside and really weighed out my options for thanksgiving. i know me (and you know me) - if i come to new jersey with my own car bad things can/might happen - and even though my dad says i "don't need meetings - because i won't be drinking because he'll be watching me the whole time" - if i wanted to and if there was a will there would be a way. but let's throw the whole fact that i would be back in new jersey - and i would be around the same places that i used to be in - i might need more than my dad and the lack of a car and the weight of the world to keep me from going (in my mind first) to the places that might call and drinking isn't the only thing that might is on my mind.

so i thought - i'm gonna fly.

i get the credit card - jump on jetblue and to me is seems RIDICULOUS that i can fly to the bahamas cheaper than i could fly to jfk in queens.

so i'm gonna drive.

i am gonna email jdg later and see about me seeing the kids that wednesday - and then leaving from rva getting to new jersey that same night.

in shopping news (definitely no less important news) - i finally paid for that dress and i was debating on whether to buy those boots or get those reeboks i had my eye on. i found the sneakers on ebay in black and the boots on dsw and both are reasonable.

that was the easiest part of the past two days to wrap my mind around - and that is usually my biggest hurdle.

by the way - your november dealio is done and done.

i wished it could've gotten there for tomorrow - but when it does pretend it's the 13th.

(ps i wasn't the only one who took that picture)

love is knocking outside the door

so.

alright - medical news first i guess.

so i went to see vin yesterday - and after a much needed nap (both of us) - he ate and ate and drank and drank and he went home.

after a really long ride home - i wound up at a carwash with bm just chillin for a bit.

the doctor called "vin's getting better quick" - a mommy miracle that only moms pull off. so needless to say - i felt like a rockstar.

moving on to my mom - she had her guts put back together yesterday. i went and spent some time with her this afternoon - and headed there before the meeting tonight (another example of me being responsible and available for someone other than myself).

i took a picture of my mom for my brother and sent it to him via the cellphone. he called back laughing and it made me crack up.

i started a real list for christmas. i told keith (crocheting for his lil' girl may or may not have very much to do with that awesome jerky he brought me for dinner) - WOOT ! - tonight that i started (by started i mean bought the yarn) a cupcake hat for his granddaughter. i don't have any girls to crochet for and i was jonesing for a little girl to dote on.... he thought that was "excellent" - and i am excited to make it now.

crafting for people for christmas makes me feel like a brand new penny (i have plenty btw).

i'm still up. i can't sleep - i know it's not the readings keeping me up ... however the first reading tomorrow is in the the book of wisdom!

YES - WISDOM!

well then she'll turn on her power

you'd think that maybe getting ready for rva today would be somber or something but it's not - i'm gonna tell ya why.

not only am i not in jail but i'm available and sober and have ALL my wits with me to go and see vin - but i have the strength deep inside - not only from my hp but from nine months without chemicals to cloud up my courage.

watching grey's anatomy this morning was prolly not such a good idea. it was all about the peeps being in the peds unit - and it is that bad. kids getting sick (and stuff) is that sad and it's just nice to see and know that doctors and nurses and people care - and well - vin is just like my left arm - i need it.

at the movies the other day we saw a trailer for new dawn - and i gotta say that the movie looks twice as bad as twilight. the movie theatre in roanoke is showing twilight at nine on the 19th and i bet new dawn at midnight.

i hope i can find a cam of it - anything more than that would be prolly throwing my money away.

i watched last week's vampire diaries - did you know that dude stefan is from new brunswick. woot!

my heartbeat shows the fear

omg.

seeing vin in the hospital - was fucking torture. he wanted no part of the big motorcycle balloon - he just about cracked a smile when i played with this bear i sent him with a bunch of balloons delivered on friday - and he just laid on me and slept and snuggled in my ear. leaving to go to see the other three wasn't as joyous as it usually is - i felt like one of my appendages was cut off.

but i got the byrd m.s. and jdg was already there with the boys and - of course - fun pursued but vin was so close to my heart i felt bad having a good time.

that's the goal line cone

another cone!

good game.

fist bump.

a game of sweet revenge.

love him.

he says - jer, you're a good baby!

guess who my fav was today?

if vin is still in the hospital tomorrow - i am going back to sit with him for a few hours. i feel like i wanna crawl in the crib and spend the rest of the week. but i listened to his chest (no death rattle) - i felt his belly (still chubby) - his lips (still really red) - and cheeks (still rosey!)

my prognosis: coming home soon - and needs a date with his mom!

(that was vin in the summer 07)