straddle the line, in discord and rhyme

so dude left a note on my car.

instead of telling him any of these truths:

-i don't wanna fall for anybody right now

-i am trying to not date for a lil bit

-i am in love with a past lover and he doesn't know

-i'm thinking of having a female companion but we haven't really talked about it yet

-i am technically not allowed to have a boyfriend right now

-i am not mature enough to date - instead i have hostages and i wanna learn to have a healthy relationship before i try again

-that when i go to rehab i hook up with some other vulnerable dude -- it's what i do

-i have four kids - so you have a babydaddy to deal with

-i am married

nope - i told dude i was gay. i just didn't wanna explain the truths away - instead telling him i had a girlfriend seemed the most less intrusive thing to say. i could really care less if people i work with think i'm gay either - but that could have that whole 'wanna watch' shit backfire - but for now i don't care.

i'm not going back for at least a few weeks.

i'm getting ready for church - there are too many words in nehemiah to pronounce.... but i'll figure it out. i am certain of one thing that even if the most simple words were mine to be read tonight i'd fcuk it up - i get so nervous.

but god called me to do this - i certainly wouldn't volunteer for this anxiety.

your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye

artaxerxes!

that is in my reading tomorrow - and the first reading is twice as long as the gospel AND i still gotta do the responsorial song too! and that's a long one too!

good god!

well - i told nikki about make-out boy today - of course i told her about him the first time we hooked it up. she doesn't think it was a good idea. duh, i know that.

but i'm just hoping and praying i don't see him again - EVER! i only work like two days a month - this month was a bit different because of some audit that's happening - but since that's done - so is the extra days.

i wore my "this girl loves federer" shirt and well - three people asked me what a federer is. i mean - where am i?

i have another part of the personal ad:

must hate football (american football)

okay that's not entirely true - but it is. hearing about the lions, and the bears, and the deadskins and the blah blah blah is enough to make me sick.

OMG! this was funny too - people here really really really did not know that the giants and the jets played in new jersey - they need proof! i gotta say my six year old son knows that - he also knows the food that would be "raining" over many different regions of the world (cwacom has educated even me) - maine = lobsters, maryland = crabs, jersey = funnel cakes, new orleans = gumbo, france = brie, australia = meat pies and veggiemite, china = general tsos chicken and eggrolls, japan = miso soup and when he told me you'd be in a flood of borscht in russian i begged him to stop.

fyi - jersey will always be real strombolis, mendokers cake, the black shack, diners, bakeries, dirty water dogs and funnel cake for me too! and at giants stadium a knish with spicy mustard for eight bucks is what i'm talking about.

baby, can you tell me just where we fit in

oh boy.

as soon as our lips parted i tmd jlp - "keep your pants on!" - great advice.

i didn't suck face with rehab boy - but i definitely liked the way he felt pressed up against my body in the bathroom of my job.

he was rehab boy who turned into roofer boy at my job - i said "no sexytime in O-9" and he just wanted to make out.

now i want a boyfriend.

not really but i miss kisses where said boy leans in and it's not poetic and it's not raunchy - but it's always at that perfect spot between the two.

dear you,

it's 2009. we haven't spoken in a few years - i know that i treated you awfully - and at the time i thought i knew what i wanted.

i never thought it out or i wouldn't be writing you this anon letter.

if you wanna get married email me... no other criteria necessary.

taralee.

they're doing the darktown strut

i don't watch any tv.

my dad bought me two tvs - one for an apartment when i get one and one that i use now - both are super cool tvs. but i hate to tell them that i just don't watch it - instead i listen to the computer and that's usually music or movies that i have seen two thousand times.

well - today i was knitting and decided to check out the vampire diaries on fancast.com - i only know of that website because last thursday i thought i would get back into grey's anatomy again and skipped the meeting for the premiere only to fall asleep.

so i watched it sometime over the weekend and saw that tv is on the internet now.

i'm not going to take off anymore meetings for tv - nor will i rush home for anything ever again. i hate tv.

jeopardy is the exception and sometimes the news.

but even today - i was waiting on n to get ready for our hike and he had on cnn - and they showed this kid getting beat up and killed in chicago so many times i was so desensitized to it that i was looking at the other people and checking out their clothes and shit by the time we left. i'm just saying tv to me can go - long live the internet - viva la www!

my sole blog reader suggested i post the craigslist for hottie-biker-guy! i just might - but i hate all the other assholes that will answer and say stupid shit and show pictures of their cocks. no thanks! maybe the catholic reference would steer would-be perverts away.

you'll stumble in my footsteps

i couldn't sleep.

i was thinking about something - when bm saw certain folks on my aim/googlechat deal i had to delete them... and i'm sorta/kinda/wanna get them back. but that would mean putting my shit out there and i'm still nervous about that stuff.

i wish i could go back and not delete them and stand up for myself.

but i'm here and wishing isn't going to get me anywhere except depressed.

i worked for a few hours today - despite the fact there's a new meeting i wanted to check out with nikki at seven *am* and church at the same time. instead of going to blacksburg nick and i hiked and picnicked - i'm getting excited of the promise of fall foliage.

i came up with an alternative plan for tattoo time -I MIGHT do session one in nj on thanksgiving weekend - session two in december and then go back for a friend's wedding in january for session three. and get another piece by christian. cause you know how much i love want him love his work. he's not as sexy anymore - must be that whole metrosexual thing wearing off of me... but gahlee i had it bad for him.

sigh.

in immature and crafty news i cast on a new project just a few minutes ago - on the way home from the mountain i lost three stitches and had a brat attack! yup - the scarf, the needles and my serenity all went out the window.

knit happens! :D

she was a fast machine - she kept her motor clean

i ate chili.

i want pancakes.

i wonder how come intellicast.com doesn't work - but www.intellicast.com does. i didn't know the www really made a difference anymore.

i went to the gyno on friday - that's all good. i knew it would be - but you never know. i wish i could go back to my doctor in nj - he was the best. but i went back to the doctor that delivered the twins in rva - i am that serious about keeping my yingyang to myself.

cwacom was pretty good - before the movie i went to b&n and picked up the book and its sequel - pickles to pittsburgh and a cwacom umbrella - talk about it being a hit!

then it was the movie and video games.

life is good.

then i woke up and did it all over again - except we parked, picnicked and played.

hugs!

hugs?

eid ul-fitr

kids

note: my kids are just dirty - not made up for eid-party! which the islamic folk gave us cupcakes - but no balloon sculpted swords.

zakkary almost got into a fight with a bunch (yes, bunch) of boy scouts! they were cleaning up the litter and he was teasing and said he loved to litter - well they circled around him and since they were bigger he stood up on the swing (i bet to appear bigger). he never backed down. either he's stupid or brave.

i knew better and i swooped in anyway - this mama eagle just flew by. he did the rest.

i was proud of him.

on the way home we saw a real hottie on a bike - i'm not talking a five or a six - i mean a solid nine - i would say a ten but i don't think he was catholic. it made me think about our lynchburg craigslist and our missed connections..... one a day people.... ONE A DAY (sometimes two!) i was thinking about posting in the rva one - but i bet he was just driving through (note: he looked like he was in a motorcycle gang) - here's what it would say...

DUDE! you were on a black chrome bike in the sheetz parking lot - i was the chick pumping gas picturing you naked. i liked what i saw. IF you're catholic and wanna get married get me back. otherwise me, you and the hitachi wand have a date later tonight. mwah!

for a saviour to rise from these streets

so.

this weekend the kids wanna see -cloudy with a chance of meatballs- so that's what we're doing. i can remember being two and going to see pinocchio (one of many pre-three memories) so i think we might all go. if the twins are cranky - the big boys will go only.

it's thursday - group therapy. i am starting to love my group - it's the accountability i get in there that i like that most. in the rooms of the fellowship(s) i don't/can't share about my issues with dudes - so in group i get it out. then the next thursday i am asked if i gave in or relapsed (as i would say) (aka getting laid or contacting a boy from my past) - and although it's fucking tough i haven't and i'm proud of that.

i come close but y'all know that only counts in horseshoes and grenades.

speaking of horseshoes - i went to two more tattoo shops in the area and i'm still terribly disappointed. so i think monday afternoon i will take a ride with n to blacksburg. this is only a consult - but i am ready - so if you want a good tattoo you gotta go to a good tattoo artist. nuff said.

i'm not getting another horseshoe and upon careful reflection - a chestpiece of 'daddy's girl' might prove weird when i'm in bed with someone - and 'angel eyes' (an ode to my mom) might be just as weird - so i think i'm gonna finish that last part of my arm or do my calf. i came into a lil' bit of money that will cover it - or it could cover my boobs.

duh, not a tattoo!

just kidding - with my weight steady low these days i think big boobs might be a bad investment - but the person that handled the money down to me said that my relative is quoted to have said - "do something frivolous with it!"

i'm pretty sure i will be.

god. i want my love letter back.

the world seemed rose-tinted

the last couple of days - the clouds have been hovering over the mountain tops. and still - its totally breathtaking.

if you let it be!

i got to therapy at eleven am and i was told by my therapist that my appointment wasn't until two. two things - first of all i NEVER would've made an appointment at two oclock - i have serious problems with the suggestion of this. and 2 - i really couldn't argue - who is going to believe me? i'm the patient.

but i knew i was right.

so instead i went shopping - you'd think i had a either a job or a boyfriend with the amount of clothes i'm buying for winter. i have neither and according to kirby there is no future.

only today.

so there's no planning for a future with a boyfriend - just remember where my feet are!

whatever - i mean you take what applies and you let the rest fly. or some shit. i know that this winter will have something in it - or someone in it - or maybe not but i'm gonna look fucking cute doing it.

i went to tj maxx (a first) and the kid waiting on me asked where on the "northeast corridor" i was from... i told him.... but he wasn't from jersey. what a shocker! the northeast corridor isn't just a jersey line - it runs i guess from dc to boston.

well - i don't care i got on and off at new brunswick most of my life and i got off at princeton junction a bunch of times too.

get it?

:)

edit post: kirby took the love letter. blessed be.

me, i want relief tonight

god.

i found a love note from him.

the meeting tonight was pushed from one room to another so i thought i'd go get my bigbook from the car and since i use a different bigbook i don't open this one.

EVER.

it had a love note from him and it said some pretty deep stuff.

LIES!

this is a promise i can make to myself - and please if i break it or imma break it please try and remind me - that i won't put up with bullshit liars anymore. i want to go about this the right way.

yeah - that might mean leaving the past behind me - and i appreciate that reminder. i just know that sometimes it's not wrong until you prove it wrong.

i remember - and i'm talking way back in the day - when j.l. (note: not jlm) was writing a thesis and i asked him how he was going to react when after he did all this work and 'what if' he was wrong and all that work was for nothing - and he said - well kitten (i liked that) - if i'm wrong at least my paper will prove that this theory is the absolute wrong way to go about it and i'll be right in that way.

i wanna prove it's wrong.

you can see her lying naked in your arms

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i wake up to find myself after all these years

i never really blog about emo-stuff.

but i feel emo this am.

the other day i was talking to a friend and she said -

'tara, there was a time when he stopped being a victim and instead he was a volunteer.'

that was it.

and that was it for me too.

i know i treated him bad but he (different he) treated me bad. and it was the same thing - after a certain amount of time you begin to sign up for that shit and he was no different.

am i filled with regret? nah. i know that i need to be here/now - and without all that shit i wouldn't have the relationships with those boys today - and without him and him and him - i wouldn't be able to sit up and thank god for every single thing i got.

do i want the very thing i always did - hellzyeah - i can't begin to tell you how i wish i could take ____ years back and try it the way i always wish i did. but i am not delusional - it's 2009 - and who knows whats next?

i can only pray it's something posi.

the lengths that I will go to

i DID it again!

i showed (a different) dude a picture of me in my mask - and not one that my dad took of me. of course i KNOW where and when i would wear it - and it's not on fcuking halloween. yknow? i know the reaction i wanna get and the stir i feel when i see shit like that.

i talked to nikki about it for two hours before my first meeting of the day - and when i got honest it's my motives that i'm having a hard time with. i want to feel better than - i think - like

"here imma (that's my inner-kanye) (bad pop-ular joke there sorry) - get you interested in me and then you're on your own - cause i can do that."

if someone did that to me - i'd be pretty livid.

starting tomorrow i'm gonna stop!

then i went to my second meeting of the day - it's because i had three cups of coffee and three extra shots of expresso - and a member showed the picture!!!! - she has it as my "id" when i call!

father fix it!!!!

tomorrow i am probably going to go shopping for a little bit - one of the many benefits to working.

but i was going to try to do something on my computer with a "screenshot" of a movie - i can do the function + print screen button - but i wished i knew how to do the screenshot.

if you know lemme know - if not - i'm gonna print screen it i guess and then cut it up in photoshoppe or something. i'm rambling.

good night.

i knew right from the beginning that you would end up winning

i had a crazy couple of days.

i behaved in a way that i thought - why did i do that?

i don't like when boys (aka men) talk to me like i'm easy and i acted "as if" yesterday. then when i get phonecalls from dudes in the programs i ask - "why me?" - it's because i flirt (and let's be honest tease) when it's not the reaction i want back.

i had posted semi-about it yesterday and looking back at the morning i thought how can i fix this because it's not something i want to do daily - or really again. so i talked to someone about it - and because i really did try to fix it i erased the post.

but what i am embarrassed about is that the dude i wanna cuddle up to - doesn't even talk to me anymore. as a matter of fact - i can't find him anywhere.

i admit - i only looked on social networks - not exactly his cup of tea. but i thought if i could stalk him for a bit - and find out if it is even worth it i could save some time (& face)! but maybe that's my hp's way of saying to move on - i never could really move on. i really only have been in love three (maybe four) times.

i was lucky like that.

i worked at a new place today - it was alright. this weekend proved very stressful - and the only way to not break in those times for me (today) is the ocd turns on and i start counting everything. you name it. so the work place (with new co-workers) is a tough place to hide it - especially when your bosses has name eight letters in.

thank god she left early and i could set all the clocks to the same time - she had 31 clocks.

i wondered if she had a clock thing - i'll ask her in 21 days - when i work again!

i go about things the wrong way

so that's my deodorant.

hee! don't you know i thought it said "puke" - its the best deodorant and i got it for a buck! it supposedly knows the difference between 'stress' sweat and 'working out' stress and activates accordingly! (right!)

true story.

i seriously fucked up last night - i forgot i had a project at the lab at eight - and after i left l-burg from therapy and i was sitting in the meeting my phone was blowing up.

because the lab was scheduled in my name.

SO - i drove my mom home and went to lynchburg and didn't get home until one.

and i had to work at 7am.

i did go and buy some underwear - as a matter of fact - when my mom got in my car and saw the bag she said "is this for your hopechest?" - she knows the deal. no nookie until i'm in some sorta relationship. i am not trying to hook up with random dude - not any time soon.

so the lab went alright - i was way prepared and we got our grades from the lab the other day and i am totally acing this class.

i looked back at the post when i had my operation on my feet and a few after - i never mentioned the new fetish i have. it's for latex gloves. like real latex - not rubber throw away powdered gross gloves - i'm talking surgeon shit here.

the hospital here in bedford doesn't have a cardiac agreement (?) with podiatrists - SO - i had to be awake. well - good thing (not at the time tho!) - because when my doctor was handling my legs i could not a. stop giggling b. get the hott feeling off my mind from the gloves.

today at work - i found a pair - they are the kind that go a good ways up your arm.

yeah - i brought em home.

for the hopechest!

And hey buddy, I'm warning you to turn it off

so when i got out of where i was - i put trueblood season one on hold at the library - of course i streamed all the episodes before it came avail to me. but now i have it - it's my background noise and it's overdue! i can afford ten cents a day - besides the librarian is a friend of mine and she said "it's more money for the library!" - i like her attitude!

i have treated myself to eye makeup remover. i only wear eye makeup anyway - but the past two months i have been really rubbing the black off with soap and water - and that tender skin on my eyes was taking a beating. it was definitely worth five bucks.

i am working four hours today. then - it's thursday - that means group therapy. i am going to be happy to go in and tell kirby (& the group) that i have managed to stay away from crush and even to let the crush go. usually by now we'd be married and mortgaged.

but not this time.

i finished a lab and a knitting project yesterday. my friend is celebrating clean time on the 23rd - so i finished a project for her and tomorrow i'm gonna sew a gift bag for it. the lab wasn't as relaxing - but you can't tell me nothing about homeostatis - negative or positive.

i have been reading about the tetris effect - and i thought it was just me back then. but now i know that the t.e. is applied in my life about a bunch of stuff - right now - i have it for something but if i tell on myself it's not my secret anymore. and who knows might find out - okay - i know jlp will know - but you might know too.

gahlee - stay tuned - you know i can't ever keep a secret.

einstein my behind

I was in the room here one day... watchin' the Mexican channel on TV. I don't know nothin' about Pele. I'm watchin' what this guy can do with a ball and his feet. Next thing I know, he jumps in the air and flips into a somersault and kicks the ball in - upside down and backwards... the goddamn goalie never knew what the fuck hit him. Pele gets excited and he rips off his jersey and starts running around the stadium waving it around his head. Everybody's screaming in Spanish. I'm here, sitting alone in my room, and I start crying.

That's right, I start crying. Because another human being, a species that I happen to belong to, could kick a ball, and lift himself, and the rest of us sad-assed human beings, up to a better place to be, if only for a minute... let me tell ya, kid - it was pretty goddamned glorious. It ain't the six minutes... it's what happens in that six minutes.

i saw that video - and it reminded me of that quote in visionquest. gahlee - i probably cried *yeah, i did* - i don't do anything that good. i don't. i hope one day i can make someone wish that they did something as good as i did - but right now i'm lucky enough to appreciate quotes like that and youtube videos like that - and tennis highlights and acoustic lullabies - and gardens and mountains - and plays in bedford.

i'm terrified i'll never be good at something.

and bury my head in the sand if I want to

so being sad is a part of life.

just like anxiety, being happy, being horny - and being dead. i'm not going to escape it. i gotta get through this and go through it in order to get some place else.

but i gotta admit - it sucks.

i could hide out when i'm feeling like this but that wouldn't be fair to my hp - who gives me so many blessings every day. nope - i'm gonna blog through the shitty days too.

because i can read back and see how fucking happy i usually am - and as corny as it sounds 'this too shall pass.' just like the good times pass and here i am in hell (i know!) - this is gonna pass and one day i'm gonna wake up and read this post and realize i got through that afterall.

what's bothering the badass tg? well - it's a lot of things. it's the anxiety of going home in november - it is the big d looming - it's the fact that vin is learning his abc's without me - that jericho isn't (or at least isn't vocalizing it) - it's the nagging feeling that i let the love of my life (so far) go - it's the fall allergies - it's roger federer losing - it's the interruption of broadband that happens all the fcuking time - it's the things that i can't do that it seems the rest of the world can - it's my ocd and agoraphobia - the fact that i'm not sure if i can do anything anymore the way that i'm supposed to (whatever that means) - it's the fact i wonder if my medicine and semi-lack-of-libido is making me think i can/want to do this without a man - it's all that - it's the fact that i wanna be honest about that stuff - it's the hidden fact that i wanna delete it all and hide still.

i am not sure this post will make it through the night - letting this side of me out isn't quite comfortable but i know that life isn't comfortable.

in okay news though i am knitting christmas gifts.

knit one purl one.

I sit here on the stairs 'Cause I'd rather be alone

i'm just sad.

любите меня снова

that was pretty disappointing to watch federer lose like that. i wanted the kid to hang on in the first set - and then i went to a meeting and came home to this!?!

boo hiss.

i might have to watch a bunch of federer shit on youtube. i JUST ordered one of those "this girl loves federer" - shirts. i bet it's on sale just about now!

that's my luck.

i also won a guns n roses shirt.

i got a card for a free pair of panties plus ten bucks off any purchase at vs. so after therapy and my meeting i am going to head to the mall. a dangerous place i know - but in and out. my favorite panties these days are my undergirl panties - but i figure one pair or two - might be okay. i won't wear them however until i'm ready to show someone.

i know who i want that to be - but that'll never happen.

i really like undies - with tm it was at its height - with bm i did this picture blackberrymessage everyday - my daily panty shot. hopefully - whoever i choose to love on next will like my booty in a pair of cotton panties or no panties or pearl panties too.

where there's music and there's people

so.

if you want to see something pretty funny (but hey it's art) - go see fiddler on the roof in bedford va. there were new york style jew accents (yente), russian accents, thick bedford accents behind bad russian accents - it was pretty crazy. the acting was dece - but i had a blast when i secretly hoping someone would magically know to tm me the nadal score to my phone.

that happened to me once or twice in my life - because goddamn if i'm going to pay for a data package ever again.

me and annette were talking on whe way out - that even in jersey the little player deals would draw a pretty mixed group - here it was old ladies and old men and that's it. and i would bet you - a million dollars (if i had it) that none of the people there are born bedfordians. see out here we're talking culture now - these are the same neighbors that will scorn you if you invite them to do something on a saturday that their precious hokies are playing. and i swear if you look up the number of seats in that mother fucking stadium - it will be just a few short of the state population. i am not kidding - everybody here goes or they have enough orange and maroon on the cars you can't tell if you're looking at a piece of shit or a decent car.

this is why finding a boyfriend out here - nevermind a fucking fan of tennis (don't even bring up soccer!) - is IMPOSSIBLE.

i tried to pretend and gave one solitary morsel of my mind to bruce when i hooted (?) for the hookies. but i couldn't pretend longer than that - and he wound up being pissed. i can make A LOT of enemies in these parts - (here goes) - but if you didn't go or your family didn't go - HELL - if you know you can't get in and let's face it three generations down don't even have a chance to get in - you shouldn't be a fan.

stick to your turkey shoots on saturday night and we'll let it be.

always gonna be an uphill battle?

are you fcuking serious, that's why i rarely listen to the radio, miley cyrus telling me about adversity. before she was fifteen she had eighty-billion dollars.

gimme a serious break.

but in a better chick moment. kim clijsters is in the final after a big crazy ending. in sexier news - tennis' final four are pretty sweet. ugly murray is out - he's all waspy looking - but the dude who is playing rafa is dark dark and sexy.

i should've known that bm was not the guy for me - he had those fucking blue eyes - all the dudes that ever really moved me had dark and dark.

except brae and jr.

i have not been back to jersey since i moved. i am going this winter though. things i wanna do/see:

-does mcdonalds have sausage gravy biscuits up north

-sweet tea?

-fried bologna? or still gool ol' pork roll? (i miss!)

-is there goodwill?

-tackle/taxidermy?

-atvs?

i am gonna feel like a goddamn foreigner... or maybe it will set me straight. and i'll stop saying y'all so much - but i swear to holy heaven if i ever say reckon or 'right much' - i'm getting on 81 and heading home immediately.

fuck probation!

where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

so unless you count watching tennis, going to a play, and then more tennis and then trueblood a full-day - (which i do) - then i'm pretty free all day. i already went to church and opened and closed the goode meeting - had breakfast and took a shower - all before 9:30. feel me?

yesterday i went to rva - besides a great visit and picnic-frenzy and kite-flying - and picture-taking and silliness and hugs-and-kisses (sigh) - then i went to ulta and bought crazy color makeup (very unlike the muted black i'm used to) - and when i got home i played penny poker - and didn't walk away until all of my pennies were gone.

i am glad they were just pennies.

vin.

brothers.

brotherly love.

some more lovin?

my vote for future sexiest man in america alive!

i live in that valley.

And now this boys addicted cause your kiss is the drug

if this post could show the keystrokes that i made - you'd puke.

i typed out about a million crazy thoughts and probably even a million more good ones. i want to tell on myself for so many things.

i wanna tell you how much i want this - and i wanted you to know yesterday - so by tomorrow we both know.

last night i had group therapy and then i went to a meeting. when i got home i watched - a lil bit o tennis and crashed. see when i had that dentist appointment wednesday (and i've been very honest with my healthcare people about my situation) - he gave me pain medicine. he said he knows i'm an addict but i'm not an idiot. and i'm glad i have it. not to abuse but gahlee - i was sore.

so since i got outta where i was i had my hernia fixed - my toes - my teeth - i had a cancer screening on my skin - and everything is going pretty fucking awesome. juggling four births in four years (and one month), a full-time drug habit - and the life style that went with it took its toll - but today i am doing all i can to remedy it.

after putting down all the junk i think i look like the old me too - one thing that really has helped besides all the exercise is the lack of sun. drinking and drugging made me look super ragged - but now i think time is on my side.

i have one-on-one couseling today - i have a written theory about one of my sons - it's seven pages long - and i want to share it with kirby (because i think it's pretty good) but she won't entertain me there.

do i sometimes think i'm a little like that dude in proof - NO! - but if i tell anybody about this paper i might.

i think i just did!

whatever you ask for, that's what I'll be

so my dentist was hot. it's weird when your dentist/doctor is either your age or younger. anyway - after much inner-debate i didn't ask him about dental porn or any other odd thought that entered my mind during that time.

i was thinking i could lie to y'all about what i did afterward - or rather who i did it with - but why bother... but after the dentist i went to belle isle and basically read and relaxed. i was thinking what kind of girl goes to places like this alone... it's pretty embarrassing. it's a family/date/friends kind of place - and this is my second time going alone. i haven't done the movie thing alone and that's just because someone might sit near me.

i was reading the back of my lotion - this is what it says.....

"she is a natural, instinctive caregiver. she wants the very best for herself and her loved ones. she loves this rich, creamy, intensive moisturizing lotion with a touch of oil inside, because it helps relieve rough, thirsty skin in just one application and continues to hydrate for 24 hours. her spirit is beautifully nurturing. her skin loves johnson's."
WHO? i read it over and over and it just says that stuff... i'm totally freaking out. is it me?

so i have this dream that i was bidding on this pair of shoes and i wanted the chick selling them to try them on and send me a pic. so i told her to. then i wanted to see them with boot cut jeans, slim fitted jeans, shorts and all sorts of stuff and i kept barking orders at her. so i wound up winning the shoes. and a few days later she was at my door - delievery the shoes and she had a gun. it wasn't so funny - and she told me now she was gonna have me do stuff.

with her shoes on.

i woke up pretty scared because i am bidding on a pair of shoes right now.

(and i'm hoping i can convince my dad to buy me those reeboks in the tennis chick post).

the crush called and i ignored the call - and then he called back and said "i see you're home - maybe you're 'sleep" - wtf - guys do that? i thought only i do that shit.

lights out - but keeping the tennis on (maybe on mute!)

take Him with you when you're travelling far

so i gotta go to richmond in a few - it's early.

i have a really bad toothache and with the big d pending - i am gonna go get my teefers done up right before i gotta pay for that insurance.

yeah - it's not like i'm gonna go and not have insurance i'll buy the cobra.

so yeah, basically my shrink said yesterday i don't have autism. he said that my ocd will trip off any 'online' test - and add in the agoraphobia and the fact i am an addict - isolation is how i do this!!! so - bummer.

so i haven't been posting about the crush on purpose. i let the crush go. i'm not settling - i'm holding out (if he comes or comes back).

i'm gonna make autism sexy

vh1 in the morning.

this might be a bad thing - i mean - why can't someone do a singer/songwriter song about autism - it's what i need to hear not about missing your loved one - or begging a lover not to leave. because once i hear that shit i start thinking about the ones that got away.

one in particular.

gah. it's not that big of a deal -but you know it is.

i was talking to a friend about church - i went this morning btw - hearing that joseph was too scared and hearing in a dream that things are the way they are meant to meant everything. he was only human. me too!

anyway - my friend asked me if we did a smoke bomb this morning and i laughed out loud. i thought - that's what a stranger in the church would think - us catholics are weird.

i have a lot to be thankful for - and if i do have autism i guess i gotta be thankful for that too. yknow?

the autism posts will stop at this.

i hope.

and if you gaze for long into the abyss

i have this really cute shirt (maybe picture post tomorrow) but it says 'magically delicious' - so given the perfect opportunity when someone read it outloud to me - i said - 'that's what he said.' it was pretty obvious i was flirting and needless to say i was.

i watched a bunch of tennis today - and i went to a picnic. i mean if i didn't have obsessive thoughts about numbers i think i'd just be anti-social. but so what.

i mean people are truly mean and i'll never find someone that really wants to indulge in my likes. i mean i think it's okay though - because i have tons of things i wanna read and knit.

i mean is it okay to not want new friends?

and what is so great about chitchat?

but what about the jeopardy thing - i keep wondering if i really am autistic?

fuck.

i am gonna see my shrink this week - maybe my medicine just needs tweeking. maybe i'm not autistic - can you self-diagnose that shit?

i usually don't go to mass on tuesdays but i think tomorrow i might. maybe i will hear something in church that i can't read on the internet.

and church is the only place i hear it these days.

pray for me.

Рыбак рыбака видит издалека

i want that watch - but here's the deal - what time is it?

is it quarter to six? if that's the case .... i think that might be the watch for me.

i also want a new jersey state police shirt that i saw on the most-powerful ebay.

i'll see what my funds look like.

on a less consumer note - i know some of y'all know that zrg has a few issues. he has sensory motor integration issues - along with a few other minor things on the autistic spectrum... but let's focus (or try to) on his mom. i took this asperger's test online. and while others are scoring in the teens and even single digits - i scored a 42. i think it's pretty obvious that maybe i got that shit too.

zrg is doing so much better - even playing sports and shit - and i think they said bill gates has this shit too - so me and zrg aren't in that bad of company.

edit post: my mom took it and got an eighteen. i'm fucked.

now i'm back in the ring to take another swing

if i rate my want for a boyfriend at a number it would be about an eleven.

i have a really good vibrator. what? i'm 34 - and i am single. for valentine's day i got a hitachi magic wand (i actually got it around the sixth and i know this because i was totally splitsville with bm by <3's>

things it doesn't do: hold my hand, rub my back, wink, whisper in my ear (not even close), burn me a cd, tell me how much my kids rock, encourage me at school, know how i take my coffee, tell me if my tampon has leaked, remind me of things i need at the market, whistle at my rear, put its hand on my chair and grab my tush - again and again, rock out with me in the car, sing to me in bed, explain politics to me... i mean i can go on for a bit but it's making me depressed.

but today i know i can get a boyfriend and we can do all those things - but then what? if it's not that thing that i'm looking for it'll just be those things and then we'd have done them and then - poof - that big hole (void, whatever) is back and i'm back to watching porn while he's at work (no, i mean the whole time).

so - i'm just saying i want something. i think i'm trying for the whole - hey, i love you and i mean it but we don't have to have this tracking system on each other (yet) and we don't have to live together (yet) but let's just go out.... and see halloween 2 at nine.

sigh

ps if anyone reads this - i opened my comments up to anon - if you have a c e r e a l num ber for off i c e 2 0 0 7 - i'd heart you forever.

"You see this body? I have to work out like a motherfucker, every day. And I watch a lot of porno, so I can learn things"

jason stackhouse has really been making my day on trueblood. i am geeking out and holding my breath till next sunday... i have work three fcuking days this week... and i have an exam on saturday and the kids on saturday too.

plus i have a shitload to read.

but i was thinking about what jason said last week .... (quote above)...

not only is it true when i comes to having a good physique and being good in bed... relationships are work. i know that now. even with friendships... i had to tell jlp that i was sorry i was a bad friend (at times) and that wasn't because i thought she was sitting there putting me down but the opportunity came up and I was feeling like i needed to so i put it out there. what she said back wasn't what was important - it's about getting it right in my head.

i was lucky blessed enough that she was more than cool with it but even if she wasn't it made me feel better to say it.

now - don't get me wrong i have A LOT of these to do. and truth be told - i don't look forward to doing them all today (tennis and homework people) but as each person comes into my life i will know it's my hp's way of timing and i'm not gonna question that....

She cried more, more, more

ah.

chiggers.

so yesterday i went on a hike with my friend nick. we went to sharp top and even though i climbed it at least one hundred times i always feel like it's the first time.

of course this isn't the first time i got chiggers - and don't ask me what they really are and please don't look it up. but my legs are bit to hell and people here don't know how to remedy anything. i need some jersey and i need it now.

then i let god completely go - and i went a little nuts. i went to the convenience store and when i had no customer service whatsoever (unlike nj down here you get moderate to helpful customer service) - i went nuts. i asked the lady where her lead was because she obviously had to be led behind the counter and down here they also know a smartass when they see one so she let me have it right back and it was on.

but unlike richmond and much unlike new jersey that was it - and i got in the car and went home. but unlike that toothless bitch i have a program and a hp that tells that was just wrong so here i am contemplating going back to the mountain to apologize.

see what trying to do the next right thing does to ya.

but i am not going - nope - instead there is a ton of good tennis on today.

my priorities never are completely in order.

And for one desperate moment there He crept back in her memory

so i was listening to american girl on my way back from therapy - and wouldn't you know i got a flashback to that scene in silence of the lambs - and i could hardly contain my laughter. it was like i was driving to my own slaughter!

i quickly turned the station.

truth be told - i left and went shopping. i went to rue21 (much like forever21 - and i know how old i am) - but here's my deal. this is the summer of brown - and i am pretty much a brown/olive/mustard kind of girl so with one dollars shirts (YOU HERD ME RIGHT) - i stocked up even for next year. what if pastels are in in 2010.....? i will be eternally fucked.

that dude george wasn't there - and neither was kirby - so this other lady led the group. and she offered to do accupunture - i followed with a pretty good hurl in the trashcan (she was warned) - and i excused myself. oh - but before she 'stuck' i got these little beads taped on my ears. it's supposed to be calming - so far they just itch!

note: that isn't the real catherine martin but gahlee - it should've been!

love means nothing

so we're talking tennis.

i have no weirdo usa preference for the us open. it's just the end of tennis.

i do look forward to it though. and just like other sports fans i plan on attending next year (god willing).

i flip flop in the top five or so every year - sure y'all (who am i kidding i know just jlp reads this) remember my nadal frenzie - and then i couldn't get enough of federer (even wanting to name vincent after him and i mean federer) - and roddick (another seven letter man) will always be in my favorites - don't you see the stress i have just watching tennis and being a fan.

the chicks.

the chicks are just gorgeous. i can't help but think my butt has gotten better with all the exercise - and maybe i could yet again pull off something like pictured here.

(note: if you read this and know where i can get those sneakers they are supposedly reeboks i would be eternally grateful) thank you stranger.

let's give a shoutout to the cuties with and without a vagina.

ana.

jelena.

goodbye safin.

janko.

roddick

oops.

roddick.

shut up, i like big noses.

i'm trying to get myself motivated to do these stupid labs for school - but i kinda just wanna go shopping. the sudden fall weather has inspired me to shop and shop and shop. my purse (surprise - a pretty orange lacoste bag) - is too summer. something more muted will work in the fall to winter....

now - (picture me weighing my options).....

school vs shopping!

gahlee - i'll let you know what happens.