i wake up to find myself after all these years

i never really blog about emo-stuff.

but i feel emo this am.

the other day i was talking to a friend and she said -

'tara, there was a time when he stopped being a victim and instead he was a volunteer.'

that was it.

and that was it for me too.

i know i treated him bad but he (different he) treated me bad. and it was the same thing - after a certain amount of time you begin to sign up for that shit and he was no different.

am i filled with regret? nah. i know that i need to be here/now - and without all that shit i wouldn't have the relationships with those boys today - and without him and him and him - i wouldn't be able to sit up and thank god for every single thing i got.

do i want the very thing i always did - hellzyeah - i can't begin to tell you how i wish i could take ____ years back and try it the way i always wish i did. but i am not delusional - it's 2009 - and who knows whats next?

i can only pray it's something posi.