take me out tonight.

so - i'm getting things ready for wednesday.

these are my busiest days so far.

member when i said my reading was pretty easy except- colossae - well this didn't help. that dude sounds like a foreigner - and i'm a yankee - in the south!

bless-ed be!

yesterday i had a friend over for dinner - then a meeting - then a meeting after the meeting - then a meeting in the car.

and i still was thinking about crazy stuff.

god help me.

today should be an okay day - i DO have a lot of homework but i really really need to relax too.

so in therapy last week someone told me i MIGHT have to travel to c-ville to find the guy of my dreams.

seriously.

bedford probably doesn't have what i want - and since i vow not to settle this might be my only option.

this is only because my crush - a. isn't catholic, b. an orphan (or not a mamma's boy) or c. a worthy jeopardy partner nor recently added d. musically creative.

if that means a trip out to charlottesville - i can do - but will my sneakers pull in the man of my dreams or do i need to wear something a bit more silver!?!

or is that chrome.

i post this picture because i really like it.

no lie.

living mathematics

i burned a disc - i remember making cds in 1999 and 2000 - then jdg happened, tm and bm - (funny it was jlm before all them - what's up with the ms?) - but anyway - yeah. i got a laptop that i kinda love - and i wasn't able to burn anything until i tried.

funny, huh?

trueblood last night made me laugh again. jason is pretty fcuking funny - his character is prolly my favorite.

hbo is really good with the soapoperas. i absolutely loved oz, carnivale, the wire and now trueblood. today we're having thanksgiving in august.

i am riding the fence with crush. and even though everyone is saying to wait (and he's okay with that) - i just wanna crawl up on him and snuggle.

and snuggle.

and snuggle.

and snuggle.

i remember when ____ used to sing to me.

that might've been three times.

And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it

nothing like van morrison to make me see what i want and need.

i don't have to hide the fact that i wanna get back on the horse.

sure - it would've been ideal to wait the year to see if i was ready. i think, tho, what i want and what is here - is the same.

i know what can happen - my heart broken again - but gahlee - it's worth it.

the way i feel today can't be described and i can't imagine today without it.

wheel in the sky keeps me yearning

so i decided that i might work with a friend of mine - for maybe a day a week - or less - for now.

it's about babysteps i guess and that's what this is.

i know it's ANOTHER thing added to my already hectic week and it's another thing to worry about (while i'm there) - when talking to someone yesterday (thank you!) i heard something i absolutely loved - when i'm in the mess (i think i'm in) - to look down and see where my feet are.

that's it.

not in school. not in my homework. not in meetings. not in church (btw next week there's a word *colossae* that i might need help with ----- oh church lady), not in my crushes car, not here, not on any other blogging site, not in richmond, not in court, NOPE - i'm just right there. probably listening to music or knitting or eating.

gah.

i need to just relax.

in other news i was leaving a message for 'crush' and it clicked off. what does one do at a time like this? call back and possibly leave another message? bother said person again during business hours? what if the first message didn't even go through!!!?!?!?

LOOK AT MY FEET!

ah, birkenstocks!

(another tidbit of information - yesterday was FOUR years since i was laid off!)

welcome to my rockshow.

falling out with blue lou

i am doing HOMEWORK.

you herd!!! me.

i am as excited as you can get (lemme recap):

• i got out and mingled.
• i started school again
• i started to read at church
• i took a new commitment in the fellowship
• i am working with a new sponsor
• i might have a crush (mini-posi)
• i might be crushed on (mini-posi)

so the opportunity arose what's going to be my 'listening' movie and music. it has to be something that i know by heart and won't really pay attention. i remember pretty in pink and the breakfast club were two go-to's in the past - for the O-9 it's...................

true romance and theatre of pain.

and life imitating art or vice versa -- i am haunted and "just when things went right - doesn't mean they were always wrong" - i'm saying i can't get somethings (?) outta my head but i'm trying. and i'm gonna stop beating myself up over stuff that is in the past. whether it be something with j - b or even jlm or tm - i am done.

done.

done.

donzo.

...i've got my back against the record machine

i'll be appearing at my church every wednesday (for three weeks and then every other wednesday) as a liturgy reader. And fuck me sideways - I fucked up already. Practicing for the 'church lady' I said from a letter to the theologians instead of letter to the thessalonians. so i'm pretty sure that isn't what got me the job. regardless - i wasn't told about my tattoos, nor anything else. AND the church lady knew I was coming from my meeting so that wasn't even held against me.

so besides church and school and maybe even a baby job everything is going smoothly.

don't get me wrong - fuck ups appear all over. like sunday night - but I DID NOT let that shit get to me. hell no. sure i was shook up for a minute but two really good friends told me exactly what i needed to hear and well - it's all gravy since.

as a matter of fact - i think the thing i'm waiting for is here - i just wanna seriously take my time. it's that good. i'm serious.

Just relax, all right? It's me, your lover, not some demon, not your father, all right? Relax.

that's my favorite movie quote ever.

and by favorite - i mean most romantic.

that's the type of thing that my lover would say to me - not about the father shit or even the demon shit but the get a hold of yourself and let me love you stuff.

i heard a friend say recently that their 'picker' is broken - that must've been me. my 'picker' was broke and gahlee - i tried.

i swore off relationships - but gahlee - i know exactly who i wanna have one with.

yup.

i do.

Your enemies are gettin' nearer

this was my fortune yesterday.

i guess that explains my life right now.

at church on tuesday (still going six days a week) - my priest asked if we were catholics that hoped for fortunes and got cookies?

or catholics that hoped for cookies and got fortunes?

i am working on two knitted projects at the moment - and i'm taking a knitting class on saturday. it's knitting in the round - i tried and would probably succeed but getting a few pointers will be a real advantage.

after that class i can tackle - the hats i wanna make - the felted bowls for christmas and one day who knows..... socks?

to backtrack: i did see chicken trucks - to and from rva. what a bummer! i am baking a blackberry cobbler for my meeting tonight - and i'm whipping my own cream.

you can't stop me.

My world is crushed and I'm all alone

that is a chicken truck.

that is what you see on the way to richmond - on the way home - well - it's not as full.

tyson is located in richmond - and in tyson there is the redroom. yeah - my friend felicia worked there and it's really red.

it's pretty depressing.

i have some coping skills these days - and besides reading (note: finished wake & fade) - is knitting. so i am killing two birds with one stone (hee - two needles) (sometimes five!) - and making some christmas presents. i have a bunch of chicks in the program that would totally dig some kitchen stuff (ie - hanging towels, scrubbies and hot pads).

so that's my deal these days.

my friend came over to see me before the meeting tonight and it was pretty funny - because we were watching jeopardy - and he did not know i was a. a nerd b. nerdy c. seeking a nerd. he saw tattoo girl with a dirty mouth and that was that. but enter new information and i knocked him off his rocker.

it was cute.

rva tomorrow.

hopefully no chicken trucks in either direction.

The words she knows, the tune she hums

so - i cried during trueblood.

when a screenshot of eric northman on the bed is avail - you got it.

i need it.

so - today was pretty lazy. in a good way.

the only dramatic thing - besides there being no meeting this morning - that happened is - i told wedding date i needed more time to think and that meant i had less time to hang out.

i didn't want drama so i made it drama-free - and i didn't exactly say - 'dude, leave me the fcuk alone' but that was the sumnation.

that's not my style but it might be.

i was telling a friend tonight about my knitting stash getting bigger - she agrees that my yarn that i left at his house was probably the best thing to leave. as far as shoes - i'm just a few pair down.

my a&f jeans were left behind too - what can i be happy about if i left all that there?

i got out.

with my heart too (i found it in the last bag).

(note: THAT is not the screenshot i am speaking of - not even close)

couldnt get a ticket, it was a sold out show

today was okay.

i mean i am not at a ten. but i'm better than a two.

i got my foot in the door with school - and that's good. but after that happened - i was just not feeling it - then some asshole called me and talked and talked and talked about some shit and i tried and tried to get off the phone. but i played it too nice.

but yeah - me and jenn talked and i got more outta that than i did the whole rest of the day.

true story.

i have these awesome shoes - they're sneakers (and i can't wear them yet - feet issues) but they are silver. and now - my nails are silver. it will look cute - soon. but for now i rock the silver nails in my birkenstocks. it's a strange blend of fashiontrends. but it'll be alright.

this is bedford afterall.

And all the times we laughed with you, and all the times that you stayed true to us

so that's how it went down.

we had fun - ran late but had fun.

of course i was the only one in there with four kids - and all so young to boot. but as you can see the boys behaved and after we went to the park and did the three p's: picniced, played and peed! it's a day in the life.

i took jess again. it's so nice because she really loves the kids - not only is she a fucking help but she genuinely loves them (a. b/c they're mine and b. because they love her back) but it was a blessed day.

and then i went to church and a meeting.

i'm saying - i told you it was good.

as a sidenote - i got a bunch of flowers from wedding date - and i sorta weirded me out. i'm just saying - flowers usually equal more dates and i am taking it so just one day at a time.

i had to get a new new phone. that phone was driving me mad. so maybe now i'll be in a better mood to tm (ie not throw the phone out the window!) now - if i can only figure out to burn a cd (that's what i get for letting j and b do it for the past ten years).

love you. mean it.

so richmond tomorrow.

so - my mom tagged along with me today on my errands - and guess what? - that meant no tattoo shop. i am just browsing for realz - i don't have that kind of money today - but i still wanted to drop by.

instead we got the boys some stuff mailed out and i felt good about that too.

true story about zakkary. i was on the phone with him today and he said he hadn't talked to my dad for awhile and i told him to call him and he asked which number was he? (like my dad was just one digit on the phone) - so i told him to get a pen and paper and i'd tell him the number and he was adament that he didn't need to write it down because it's a series of 11 (including the one) - so after i told it to him and he wrote it down and read it back to me i told him he had to press off then talk then dial! so he says "ok - bye!"

i call my dad about a half-hour later and my dad said that zakkary wants to call him everyday.

i don't know why but my heart was swoll and i knew how my dad felt (not the whole grandkid thing) but when you see two people that you LOVE so much loving each other - you can't help but get those chill bumps.

besides all that i'm taking the boys to get their picture taken tomorrow - i might jump in one and have that proud mamma pose. but this mamma is silly so we'll do something different!

stay tuned!

and weeping in this valley of tears

there's this tattoo shop here - no shit - it's called bedrock tattoo. i think the joke might've backfired but who am i to say? my sense of humor is sometimes not that popular. anyway - they had a coupon for $350.00 and all the tattooing you can stand! so i called and it's up to eight hours if you can handle it. supposedly it's the artist that normally goes for $100.00/hour but i'll see. i have a tentative plan to meet dude on tuesday. not for a booking just to look around.

yah right.

i'm leaving in the morning for rva. i gotta take care of some business for court - and well - it sorta sucks. but that's just the way it goes.

i was trying to explain my blog to a friend. of course i don't want him to read it yet - or it would've been easier to drop the url - but for now it's just me saying it's my online diary.

and yes - ANYONE - can read it.

i'm just gonna say that i put the brakes on wedding date - not that it's over (it?) but yknow i really don't want a boyfriend right now. at all. seriously. not that i wanna date lotsa boys either - i just need time alone.

so - this is a cool story. i have been hanging out with my mom as she's still on the mend - and she was telling me stories of her dziadek (grampa) (note: my grampa was poppop and dzia) so - anyway when his son died (joey = josef) he had a dream the night before they brought him home for the viewing (back then you were laid out in your house) anyway - he had a dream that an angel came to him and told him that he needed to wake up early and fix the floorboard in the sitting room (where my uncle joey would've been laid out) because the floorboard was rotten. sure enough when he went and looked the floor was clearly rotten straight though - and the casket would've fallen and it would've been a nightmare for his wife. i totally believe it. today.

I'll be always falling, yeah Only to rise and fall again

yesterday was pretty funny.

i went and got chinese with wedding date (i say wedding date because we aren't telling the whole town/program what's going on) - oh! - and on the way there i saw b. again. that's five. i was driving twice and i was on the bike the other times. it's getting easier.

then i went to ac moore to get yarn (note: someone has all mine) and when i was passing old navy i stopped and paused - there was this attractive girl walking into old navy in a slip dress made of satin. i was confused and really stopped to see her shoes - (ie was she dressed up or looking cute) and this guy who must've been really checking her out and when i looked up to go he was looking at me looking at her and laughing.

it really did look like i was checking her out.

i laughed too.

after ac moore i went to therapy - where i puked. it was 'accupuncture' week and i thought of all the germs in the air and then someone bled and it was over - i puked in the trashcan.

game over.

wedding date and i talked for a long time - and wouldn't you know - that bfmv song came on and i was up the rest of the night thinking.

a lot.

ps - she was wearing flipflops.

cute.

i'm thinking about how happy i am

there we are.

i had the best time with my boys yesterday. we parked, picniced and played. it was pretty nice out - not even too hot. i can't complain.

wedding date met me on the way home and we dined. then i went to church and the crappy new 7:30 meeting. hate it. i'm gonna motion to move it back - we'll see.

louie got a fourwheeler - so i took a ride. of course i pulled out in first and pretty much kept it there - wedding date should me us a lil' of what it could do. it was impressive - i always get a kick when potential lovers excel at something. it's almost as good as when you learn something from said person.

i was listening to that 3 doors down song i listened to when i went splitsville with tm. gahlee - i missed him like crazy and it's nuts - that song can bring me back to that time and that sigur ros song can bring me back to that other time.

reminding me a bit of 'tulob' - it's not about getting it perfect - it's about getting it.

i probably will never know how to finetune times i had - or even get it right the second time - but i am so grateful for those times.

sigh.

and he ain't coming home now

so when i bid and won a lacoste bag - it was part of a lot - and i got a lacoste shirt that i was going to relist. but i was thinking - i should keep it.

the us open!

even though i am really a federer fan (shhhhhhhh) - the shirt will show my roddick support!

oh fcuk it - i'm gonna sell it. i will get myself that true blood shirt i wanted.

i went for a bike ride with wedding date - it was cool. we went down a country road and it was perfect. i missed nature so much and even though my feet were tender i had the best time.

don't fret my jail virginity is still in tact.

oh! what's jail virginity? it's not like not having sex. when you're on the outside and you wanna get laid - you get laid. being in jail you wanna get laid the whole time - hcje is the only regional jail where men and women are housed so close. some might think you couldn't find a cute guy or a smart guy there - but that's rubbish. i don't know about guys - but i met one.

forrest. he was there for something silly - and he worked on the food line. that meant - i got a note (called a kite) everyday.

we still write - it's pretty comical.

he hooked me up with a few new parts for my bike - i'm grateful for the people that come in my life for a season or a reason.

I said "I'll see what I can do."

i knew i was in love two times in my life - (besides when with my children) - once was on the t and the other was in trenton at the train station. i feel very lucky for this. and here's the deal:

i don't want to out do these. i don't want to surpass them. and i definitely don't want to forget them. if you're lucky to forget life and step back and say 'this is love - this is what life is all about' - even once - i think you can die happy.

i won't try today or tomorrow - but if another one of these moments happens i won't forget to acknowledge it - but i know one thing - you can't plan for it.

i gotta go to lynchburg today - a few errands, some shopping and lunch with my wedding date. i guess that's a good sign. i knew i'd see him again - it was a good date.

today i'm wearing a bigfoot tshirt i got at goodwill - a&f shorts - big belt and big hoop earrings.

i'm saying - cute!

and after he's been hooked i'll play the one that's on his heart

i was watching pineapple express this morning - i also went to church - got my mom outta the hospital and finished up a knitting project.

the wedding - a meeting - it was all good. i feel like i really need a break too.

that's what today is.

james franco is so funny in that movie - it made me pretty happy to see it and well - i dunno -not remembering is also pretty funny.

bfff - that's me and sarah. best fcuking friends forever.

when i was saying goodbye to her - she kissed me on the lips. the way your mom would - and it wasn't nothing to her - even though she once told me that i was the type of girl she was super attracted to. AND NOW - it's me missing her more than i miss most poeple.

my feet were cool for the part of the wedding that they needed to be - i didn't bring my camera but i am in a bunch of pictures! hopefully i'll get them emailed to me soon.

and um - i could care less about her baby.

it's really old news.