it's not the ribbons in your hair

so i leave for work around five (i know, i know) but something i really appreciate is people who leave their christmas lights on all night.

it's so nice to see some christmas when it's a. so fucking cold i wanna die - and b. no one else is up except tour buses (true story).

then after i cross the james (and a few miles before) i see the buildings of richmond outlined in lights and suddenly it doesn't seem so lonely that early in the morning.

i put in an extra day at work today - because a. i was asked and b. who doesn't need more money here at christmas time.  i mean - i need odds and ends as far as the kids - odds would be stuff like stocking junk - and ends would be a wreath hook, magnets for the stockings and - fuck - pay the taxes.

plus - it will help out with getting the kids out that week (ie bowling - which they did great at this weekend!)

jdg suggested we take them to arena racing - that's on january 8th.  i think we agreed they'd all go nuts - except vinnie - but he's coming anyway.  vin's not really into the racing as much as they others - but he goes with the flow.  when i think about it there's nothing i think vin would dig totally - but that's okay - cause zakkary was like that at that age.  no real one particular thing he'd go goo-goo-ga-ga over... sure zrg liked dora, thomas and lil' bit of everything else - but i remember saying there was nothing that was a sure hit for christmas giving.

and if that means vin might end up a lil' like zrg well - that's pretty cool too.

BUT - it looks like none of the other siblings have any speck of autism - which is also good.

the rest of the week - means work and prolly a kid visit at jdg's.  jericho was really coughing it up yesterday and i'm told he's getting it hard.  so i really don't want to take them out in the cold if unnecessary - and start on the kid haircuts.

jdg's mom took brae - and ruined everything i worked for.  he had a late 80s/early 90s mushroom and now he looks like a dork.  i hate it - so i told jdg to please tell his mom that haircuts are mine from now on.  

some might say i should appreciate her effort - but c'mon - the kids don't need their GRANDmother picking out haircuts for them - there's a cocksucking reason why women stop pushing out babies in their thirties because you are tooooooo old to make cool decisions for your kids!

i'm your sea of devotion

so my mind sometimes thinks that matt & kim cd - should be called matt & tim.  not only do the songs remind me of beats i thought maybe he'd make (before i heard what he was doing) but it reminds me of a real winter trip.

it's sorta sad.

i doubt there's anything behind this post although i feel there is.

tomorrow i am heading back to bedford for a day or two.  i have some business to take care of - and then i'm gonna have lunch with a friend on thursday.  

today! however! today - i did three things on the list - i was like - FUCK YOU LIST and started crossing things off and as a matter of fact just to feel better about myself i wrote things down on the list that i did - JUST so i can cross them off.

it was like i was on a manic high or something - but i was in and out of stores, state agencies and offices - i just felt like i had a second wind... 

i ended the productivity with getting the flu mist (lying that i wasn't sick - still feeling gross) and then picking up dinner for the kids and doing a visit at jdg's.  

brae isn't quite 100% and since the temperature won't quite clear thirty i thought it'd be better to visit at his house.

i've been really praying to mary to help me figure out this whole guy thing - she had it tough yknow.  her relationship with joseph started off really fucked up - but he always got her.  

and i'm praying that jl can be understanding and i can allow him to be - i'm a handful of a girlfriend and usually when the "next move" is on the horizon i sabotage the entire fucking thing.

i'm going to allow god to move me through what's next - starting with church tomorrow.  

celebrating the woman that makes me want to be a better mother and finally - a better partner in my relationship - can only be done at mass.

they lie awake at night and dream of you

ugh.

i didn't get that list done - not that it's too late but good grief i need just do it so i don't feel so overwhelmed and ruin this weekend.

so - bdg is still sick - jdg thinks he should stay home.  so instead of doing the three boys and leaving bdg at home - i told jase let's switch up and i'll take zrg today and the rest tomorrow (hoping bdg is better by tomorrow.)

feel me? a change in routine and THAT list not getting done and i'm wound up like a fucking top.

i should hate jdg right now - but when we discussing this situation about the kids last night i told him i was watching mobsters on the bio channel (it was the henry hill episode) and he started his henry/karen "why'd you flush the cocaine" impersonation and it quickly faded.  i think jdg just wants the best for the kids (ie bdg getting better) and he's not trying to punish me by keeping my kids from me.

just because at one point in my life my motives were purely self-centered doesn't mean everyone is out to get me.

did i mention i'm going to start smoking? well - that's not entirely true.  but where i work everyone who does smoke takes at least three more breaks than i do - sometimes i even go with just so i can get a break in there and come back smelling liking a smoker and my nose running.

i'm going to start a campaign for non-smokers to get "reward breaks" - a company should reward its non-smokers - who surely miss less work due to illness, cost less to insure and probably/most definitely work more efficiently without all the racing thoughts of more and more nicotine.

OH! i know i didn't mention this one - but someone (and her two friends) walked in my front door last night.  at first they knocked (how polite) but then they just opened the door and walked in.  i was on the couch crocheting and watching the tv and these people holding flowers and food walked right in.  i said - UM HELLO? and they were apologizing that it was obviously the wrong house all the way down the front walk - the least they could've done was leave me some food or flowers.  

now i'm petro that they saw my goods (and maybe the was their modus operandi to case houses) and see where they are gonna get their next laptop, big tv and other stealables. 

GREAT - like i wasn't dealing with enough!

and your bones they feel alive

today i not only got paid but i got free lunch at work.

so the weekend is in my hands and i'm not gonna fuck it up.

i have a million things to do but i'm going to fucking write it down and then i'm going tear though it like nobody's business.

but first some housework, laundry and crocheting this evening.  

tomorrow i got the kids for the day - we're going to stay in because bdg is still sick (it's been a week!) and it's cold here.  i would tell jdg not to bring him out but when he found out i had to skip my weekly visit (due to this sickness) he lost it - telling him he couldn't come when his bros could would be pure torture.

a bake at home pizza, cupcakes from the bakery and showing them the christmas decorations is the plan.

sunday i'm picking up zrg around noon and we're going to come here at watch titanic.  i had to rent it from blockbuster (first i had to join) because my vcr is suddenly not working... wtf.

but zakkary is still kinda obsessed with all things titanic so that's the plan for sunday - winding up the date with dinner someplace.

i have no idea why - my temperature set at seventy (same as always) and it says it's seventy in here but i'm fucking freezing.  is that normal?  i have my robe on over my clothes (time for a snuggi?) and i'm still cold.  i was planning on putting christmas lights around the front door but it's too fucking cold outside to do that shit - i might just nix the lights outside - i'm not really a go-getter when it comes to home ownership.

i wanna hire someone to do everything - but i don't have the money for that AND i feel like a bum even saying it.

someone please remind me to get a snow shovel before they announce the blizzard of the decade.

at work i'm known as jersey - i can say practically anything and the dirty jrz comes out.  my boss says i gotta a little more flavor than virginian girls - i think it's the fact that my heart stays there all the times.

(it doesn't hurt my boyfriend lives there - and if i should happen to die before the boys set up homes i will be buried where my entire family rests - sacred ground of course)

 

which you won't find in me

so.

the kids spent the night saturday - all of them.  the way i worked it out i have all of them everyother sleepover... that way i can spend some time with the older boys still.

and then i have one-on-ones with zakkary a few times a month.

he's gotten to the point where he doesn't really need medicine - jdg tried fo two days but one night he stayed up till eleven (um - it's speed what did he think would happen) - and the second day his teacher wrote a note that zrg was extremely weepy at school and since that isn't typical jason pulled the medicine.

his praise (and praise) to getting no tallies (fuck ups) at school must've felt good because he's been perfect since (almost five weeks).  so he's not an issue at the moment.

and thank god - because the rest of my life is complete chaos.

i have put so many things off (paperwork and stuff) - that now even if i wanted to get it all done it's too late on some shit.  that's why i need my mom! she helps me get refocused on the things i push off daily.

then there's jl.

i mean he knows where i am in this shit - i barely have enough energy to work three days a week - get the kids two/three days a week - keep up with bills for the house, the cars, the insurances, the food, - add the housework, hiring people for the lawn, winterizing the house (must do) - omg... i'm getting sick just writing all that out.

but he knows i have issues so to push me for anything more than just working on this would be a kamikaze move on his part.  and believe you me - i appreciate having so many people in my life (boss, parents, even kids) that are so patient with me.  

i'm not sure if being tagged as a mental patient with all those mentioned was going to work out the way it did - but i'm glad being honest finally has it's benefits.

speaking of benefits he's coming in two weeks.

decide what to be and go and be it.

so last night i watched (zrg at his house - me here) titanic with zrg.

back in the day this kid loved the titanic - all things titanic.  so i remember i bought him the vhs tape but i guess jdg put it on the back burner (if any) and zrg never saw it. so we started watched a few minutes after the iceberg hit (next time we're gonna make a date to watch from the beginning) - but he loved it.  he even got the parts when they'd start with sad music and he'd say - IS THAT HAPPY MUSIC? - knowing full well it was stirring up emotions (in both of us).

he didn't cry because he was so stoked that people actually froze to death - and that it was possible to die with your eyes open (he's sick) to cry - but it was pretty awesome to be there (even if on the phone) while he got to see it for the first time.

they are coming over later - i'm pretty sure jdg is done with them for the weekend... i texted him that i'd pick them up around three or so and he texted back - IF you want them earlier come and get em.  however i need to get some things done today - and three is a good time for that.  

plus i need to get some things together - monday morning i'm headed to bedford for the day.  i have an appointment and to tell you the truth - i haven't been back to bedford since august maybe.  when i wanna see my mom she comes and spends a day and usually a night - and we get some of the errands that i have pushed off done and she gets me things like toiletpaper and paper towels and laundry soap - oh and gel too.

and for three visits in a row we've been hitting wafflehouse for breakfast and that shit is so good i usually can't wait for her to come back.

i brought jl to work last week - and my co-worker called us hipsters.  i'm pretty confidant we're not hipsters - i'm certain actually.  he doesn't have a beard - nor does he wear plaid.  

i still don't own a real pair of skinny jeans (or do i) (or is that even hipsterish even) - but i'm not quite wearing pantsuits or double knits (reference gets you double points) - but i am just getting more and more comfortable with what is.  

you're the color of the colored part of the wizard of oz movie

i'm sad a lot.

things change so quickly - the best parts end and then something else starts and it'll end up being the best thing that ever happened so far and that's basically what's been going on.

i get the boys so much that i sometimes wanna bail and give them back - but that's god giving me exactly what i can handle exactly on his time and not on mine and to question it would be questioning god.

i'm not quite ready for that.

as for love - i fell for jl again.  his divorce/anulment was swift - she didn't object since she was already in love with someone else.  

so jl and i have been doing what idiots do - we listen to love songs - send corny lyrics all day long (the big pink) - and talk about how almost twenty years ago we couldn't love like this and how love finds a way and just like water you can't fight it.

talking about who we were never really happens - talking about our exes reeeeaaallllyyyyyyy never happens - i can't bring myself to talk about the kids much more than i would with anybody else because if i do that then it feels like i'm doing something i swore i wouldn't do since bm.  

sure he knows about zrg - but that's about it.  the things that i hope are between me and jdg only - i don't talk about.  i can't.  

even though jdg and i are getting along better than ever - and i'm grateful for everything god has given me - i can't share the secrets of my life with anybody and when i cry - i'm still only crying to jdg.  

there's something about making babies with someone that you can't undo - not with a piece of paper or time - or even a new relationship (even one you want to work out). 

for some reason jason is the only person that gets the things that i don't even need to say.

about where exactly me and jl are - there's nothing going on like relocating yet - except he did come here a few times... from jersey (i know) it's not that far anyway.  and he has taken some time off of work - the shit with his ex shook him up and at the same time his sister needed him - so he made enough money he said for now and is looking to restart in baltimore.  

for some weird reason i like the sound of that.   

even though (right now) i get my kids three days a week and sometimes more - i can see visiting him and having him here if it was a rva/bal relationship.

i think i gave up blogging for a bit because it's hard to look at yourself everyday - and i wasn't changing all that much. 

now i get this kick of going to work and seeing the sun come up at a different part of the morning - i'm looking forward to after the solstice for it coming up sooner and sooner and watching it all through the trees and how it's just outlines but soon life will bloom again and it'll happen just a few minutes at a time.

but he'll never share my bed

yeah.

the last sentence that was said this morning - was -

"throw the ball at my face!"

and it was a game.

i'm saying - this morning has been my first with all four boys (alone) and it's good shit.  we are cleaning up - well - me and braeden cleaned up and now i'm waiting on laundry (accidents happen) and the dishwasher to finish - then jdg should show up to pick up the twins (they have a social at maymont park with their class! laa-dee-dah!)

and zrg, bdg and me are going to relax and prolly go out to lunch and hit a chesterfield park! i mean do you see what i mean by freedom!

(picture me with half of my face painted blue!)

(the other half is last night's mascara smudged perfectly even!)

so we have officially become a nascar house - bdg likes the number 24 car - zrg and i like the number 88 and the twins like the m&m car! but it had me thinking/wondering/wishfully hoping something last night....

why is it STILL that these southern guys (traditionally that's who racecar driver's are - specifically north carolina usually) marry prolly really pretty southern girls and then hand them 100k and they ALL look the same.  the big boob, big lip, big blonde fake hair women that sit perfectly still during the national anthem and then during the race i'm positive hand their kids off to someone and watch the dollars roll in with each passing lap.

when will a nascar driver, hockey player, basketball star - think that real is better.  maybe an alternative (i have to use that word here) guy with tattoos - i bet they'd make his sponsor hot topic or maybe manic panic and his wife could be some modded girl or just a regular girl.

which reminds me - of me!

do you think it's too late for my coming-of-age story.  yknow - like the real pivotal part of my is still yet to come and it's all gonna finally make sense.  the boy.  the opportunity. 

i wonder what could happen that would shape me even more - but i don't feel like my story is over.

or.

would it be the tragedy (could it get more tragic?) - like a hustler story - or even a money making scheme - i'm saying let the credits roll already.

to the seconds that we lost

so.

it's friday and boy have i been busy.

working took up much of the week - but then again i was in jersey last weekend buying - dun dun dun - a minivan?

and then on thursday i got to take the kids out (sans jason) - for the first time eva.  we went to mcdonalds - you wouldn't think that i was as excited as i got - but it was really awesome.

tomorrow i'm picking them up and we're having a sleepover - where we have the freedom to go to the park, the drive-thru or even the grocery store.  the point is that this move is giving me freedoms (responsibilities?) that i didn't anticipate so soon.  

amen!

whilst in jersey i made an effort to make amends with my sister-in-law - (note: NOT jdg's sister) - some of you may remember how i completely fucked every relationship i had when the disaster of 2007 occured and how now (and slowly) even people are coming back into my life (van, kids, family, friends) - (responsibilities) - it makes for trying to be good an honest-to-goodness real go.

speaking of kids - (heh) - braeden and zakkary wrote their letters to santa (ok, ok - i wrote bdg's) - but he wanted and wanted this bigfoot doll - so he's always my 'problem' child to shop for.

last year he wanted rescue heroes - he told santa that was the ONLY thing he wanted - so of course the fact that they stopped making rescue heroes in 2003 made it a lil' difficult. 

but with the power of ebay it was easy.

the bigfoot feels like it may be the cabbage patch of 1984 - or that tickle me elmo - so i went to buy it now.  now braeden - braeden - braeden - one-hundred bucks dude?

done! 

he always takes backseat to zakkary and gives up everything for the twins.

so christmas morning (pictures coming) he'll be a happy boy.

me? i've been happy (enough). between trying to work a little bit more (to afford bigfoot dolls) - (or keyboards, or new bikes - yes these are items on lists) or even trying to beg zakkary to let me teach him to take his medicine (it's NOT gonna happen) (see: thank god they make concerta in a patch!) or even entertaining my first company or even making friends with some people at work (seriously).

i haven't had that pleasure since the early early years of 2006 when i left the credit union.  i even started crafting some of the kids' teachers* christmas gifts (trivets).

even after working all day - i came home and cleaned my house and went grocery shopping, hooked up with a friend visiting his mom in hospital and made it home in time for some murderous 20/20 - morning star turk-ish burger and blogging (finally).

a picture dump coming soon. :)

*note: since bdg, jrg and vsg all go to a jewish school (and bleck) - i'll be only crocheting zakkary's teachers my crafty work.

yeah, it's plain to see

so my warped brain sometimes thinks guys want those tushies in that easytone reebok commercials - have you seen her butt? there is nothing there... reebok sells us women with no bodies. 

i, however, have a butt. 

always have - it might not be as big as others but it's there and no sneaker can do too much for me at this point.  instead i'm just going to keep buying shoes that i like - i'm not going to want that tushy (although i lil' part of me still likes it).

i found of pair of vans zapatos that i want - they are nothing like the easytone - they aren't like my new low dunks either but if i can get around the white sole on vans for the winter i think these would be a sound buy. 

we'll see.

something happened last night on my way to the house visit - i was thinking of lil' braeden and how he sometimes just is cool with being second fiddle (at least that's what my guilt ridden brain was calling him) -- so i stopped and got him a lightnin' mcqueen poster and while i was there we colored and we had a mini date in front of the rest of them.
i guess it started with me making him corn on the cob (jitters too) at home - those two are the only one's that like vegetables. 
THEN when i was about a mile from my house bdg called crying - wanting to say he loved me before he went to sleep. 
that little bit of time changed whatever we had in four-plus years - and i wanna keep it up.

then today i had to do some paperwork for my dad and i had to go to richmond city to get an id for my new position at the job - which was a semi-pain. and when i got home i caved (to the rain) and took a nap.
i had the scariest dream - that the first time i was kinda forced (although it felt good) to let a friend shoot me up with a snake - and then when i went back i hung out longer than i should've (of course it was to get more snake) but to hang out again with some bad people - it was just a terrible dream. 
not only was i shooting up snakes but i was wearing jeggings.

eck.

troubles will come and they will pass

so supposedly this weather means a mild winter and nothing like last year.

whatever.

i'm not quite sure i believe in the almanac but if it means believing means it'll come to pass - then amen.

so i guess it's apparent that i don't go to as much church as before - i hit up mass but i usually do it in bedford and haven't joined a church here yet.  

i'm gonna tell you why.

i'm scared to go to masses that are packed - i can't count the people - the children - the men/women - it gets overwhelming.  knowing the mass helps because i can pick it up anywhere but it still is overwhelming when i need to count and then still pray and pay attention.  

so yesterday i had a little breakdown - i told a handful of people a fear (that i don't find to be irrational or unwarranted) and my mom said that fear is a lack of faith.

and it might be true - i might've been less scared when i was going to church daily and i want that again. 

with my haircut i have to really do something to it everyday to keep it up so a real early mass wouldn't be ideal but getting back in church is probably the only place i'm going to find the real answer and real security i'm craving.

wednesdays are usually the baptist and the holy rollers day to have daily mass but for catholics it can be.  i'm gonna try and find a mass and get my ass to it. 

in the morning i flip from the morning show news, to morning joe, to the vids on vh1 (i know this doesn't sound good) but when i add in running (5k/37mins) and yoga it all evens out to cool? 

i think so.

and built a fort outta sheets

so - it's that whole time of the year when the new shows start and i'm like oh - i wanna watch THAT! - ask me in may or better yet in december if i watch any television except jersey shore or true blood and the answer will be no.  i don't want this shit - i'm gonna tune into house and maybe - um - nothing else.  the commercials can sell anything.

even dating.

gimme a break.

i did pack away some/most of my summer things this morning - but i couldn't figure out if miniskirts fell into a seasonal category.  first of all i should write that i don't wear miniskirts to go anywhere really - they're a sex prop if anything.  

i did wear a miniskirt to the beach this summer because what are you really going to wear over your bathing suit in new jersey - a sarong? fuck.

back to eharmony - i remember one time thinking let's see what douches they have in common with me - so the SECOND FUCKING question i answered i'm married/but totally separated.  then i ask all this hokie shit - and flying kites and stupid shit and i get this thing - THIS TICKING TIME CLOCK - like they are really working my fucking shit up and gonna spit out the love of my life.

and i get a regretfully sorry but we don't deal with people who are married.

fuck everybody - and fuck okcupid - omg that thing is horrible.  my matches on okcupid (even here in rva) are not those like you kids get in boston or philly - instead it's really old guys (even if they are my age - how does that happen?) looking for that perfect match.

ew.

so the plan for the rest of the day - the lawyer called me which was on my list of things to do - is yoga and later dinner with a friend. other than that - i might check out tweetstalk - something that jdg introduced me to last night.

i do not stalk on the internet - i'm just curious.

tweetcurious.

live in the sunshine

fuck being witty.

so when my mom was leaving and jdg must've been on iron bridge - zakkary cut himself on that fucking pottery barn cube thing that i use as an end table and to the chippenham hospital we go.  five hours of me and jdg recanting our stories - hospital stories, kids, kids he teaches, my hopeful job, my dad coming, the minivan, his sister and the baby, his folks (a little) - the ring i bought at a yardsale and swear i should bring it to antique road show and finance my first plantation and yacht! but anyway - zakkary was a semi-good sport about it - up and until the lidocaine shot.  i mean that shit is murder - here you have this open wound that hurts like fuck anyway - and they wanna keep stick needles in it.  

i would've been fucking screaming too!

i told him he was strong and showed courage and now he's at home with his dad when i just wanna snuggle him and tell him what a good sport he was and how i admired him throughout.  his singing throughout the day at the hospital was the only thing that could've calmed me down - the only that i remember keeping me sane for years.

then i got back and my mom wanted to kill herself with the three babies and she left - i ran into a friend and we're watching sherlock holmes while i blog, catch up on the internerd and wish it was tomorrow.

but until then i'm noshing on vanilla ice cream and gonna post that making out would be perfect before the end of the flick.  let's see if dude checks it.

we'll play jacks and uno cards

i would be lying if i said the kids were sleeping but - two of them - brae and zrg are waiting up to go to bed with me.  my mom is asleep on the twins bed with vin and jericho. 

the last time zrg and bdg slept over in the middle of the night zakkary said - "this is when you put your arm around me" - i wrote it down in a million places because he's gotta know that there are a million days that he changed my life and that was one of them.

so i honestly am becoming busy - and working for what i really really want.  although my dad is helping me it's still not easy smeasy - sure i could keep things the way they were and just sit here but that's not what i was meant to do - and where i am in life - it just happened.

i wasn't unaware that i was terribly spoiled for a lil' bit - but now i want things that aren't "necessary" but HP provides.  the same week i get more hours - is the week my hp gave me the strength to approach jdg and buy this minivan and not depend on jdg as much.

this is hp and he works in my life.  i'm not just getting a job, getting a car, getting my tooth fixed, getting my kids this weekend - because of coincidence.  instead it's the benefits of not getting into trouble - not fucking with a dude (note: not dudes*) - going to church (still) - and mixing the right amount of fun, sun and water pills.

the perfect transition into being able to buy water pills otc - can you believe they put this on the diet aisle.  speaking of ironical or observational (because it didn't ever happen to me*) but the enemas are totally not even close to douche in walgreens. 

note - i didn't think trying a douche could really speed up the end of my period but i guess i thought wtf - i even took a jacuzzi bath but it didn't work.  and the enema - well - it just made loose poop during buttsex.  oh well.

note - i have no real need for douche (never did) - still have the freshest smelling pussy ever - but i tried this and i think the proposed smell was mint - or forest - whose pussy smells like forest?

we're both real sorry that it had to turn out this way

so the kids are staying the night - but around seven zrg called and he was having a hard-time being a big brother and i told jdg i'd come and get him and he could help me get ready for tonight.

so far we made breakfast sandwiches, i showered, we put a heavy duty blanket on top of the couch (what was i thinking buying a beige couch), went to seven/eleven for slurpees, picked up lunch,  made sundaes and now we're snuggling watching cars.

um - soon we'll go shopping if i can wake up and if zakkary's (still sweet) breath doesn't keep me knocked out till they get here.

he doesn't read this so i can write that i got him some nascar christmas wrap - i also got the kids markers and shit for now not christmas - and i got a toilet seat for when they might want to take a shit.  i was semi given a computer for them for christmas - a desktop (per request to santa from all of them) - it's a hp it's not super fast but tested (without cleaning and wiping it out completely) and it still got online fast enough for worldofcars.com - and some other things he does. so i need a nerd to wipe it out.

the wii plus the computer plus some other junk and it's going to be a lite christmas.

do not i repeat - do not link me to my own post when i'm going nuts in december because i feel inadequate with what i got everybody.  

this year is different - this is the year of change.

i say that too with what happened with a friend over the past few days - i met a guy that was particularly emo over a certain thing and i really didn't care one way or another but someone (not me) got sensitive over a particular something and next thing you know our encounters were cut to a halt.

or were they.

we'll see - things work out the way they are supposed to but sometimes they work out the way they are supposed to later on and then again sometimes they work out the way they should be in the future and right now they just suck. 

and then sometimes they work out like you shouldn't've ever fucked with it in the first place - and sometimes you gotta throw a few bucks away to get to the real peace and sometimes you gotta eat a little dirt to know what it tastes like and well - i just suggest that sometimes you just remember what things are for and not what we use them for.

whatever - i'm missing out on nap for this?

fuck me.

if i held my breath in the mornin - would i wake up in a new land

am i retarded?

ever since i started to do my own laundry - granted it was when i moved in with jdg (25) - but i never separated colors and whites and i think maybe once i had an issue.

wtf do they push that shit still on tv? being the consumer robot i am i'm wondering if i am fucking up my clothes somehow for the future - and i should start doing my whites with bleach but i wear like one white thing a week - i mean i wouldn't tell my mom i don't separate because well she'd tell me my babci was rolling in her grave - but still - i'm going to stand with the one wash and go method.

she's also against fresh-ground pepper and kosher salt - two things i stand by 100percent.

so there is this incredible spider outside my kitchen window and he captured and webbed up a stinkbug (click it)- that stinkbug is full sized - meaning that spider is fucking huge. 

i wonder what that fucker will have in there tomorrow - regardless it's gross!

so i got myself a le tigre shirt at goodwill the other day i was thinking the person who donated it probably did so because like me with le tigre (mossimo, hang ten, paul frank) - they were into them before kmart sold it.  why the fuck should it matter.... it doesn't! but somewhere in my warped brain i'm like fuck it - fuck clothes too!

the other day a friend asked me to dress sexy and i was like - ugh... i'll try.  i mean i tighter jeans but they aren't like "oh i'm sexy jeans" and i have tighter tshirts but that's what they are tshirts and then in the winter i'll put a thermal under them and they'll be tshirts that'll probably snug up a bit in winter.

i don't even know what i would look like trying to dress sexy - i was like i like sex - does that count and apparently it did.

liking sex counts folks.

just kidding - but not really.

 

i canceled my subscription to hbo now that true blood is over - i'll join again next year when it starts.  i was thinking about keeping it but with the wii santa is bringing i'm finally going to get netflix.  paying for tv, movies - for internet.  it's like do i have to pay for the shitty version of the swedish movie or can't i just watch it online?  

you're probably wondering where the real tara went - well she went with all the donated clothes to goodwill and will reappear when the government streams my media and you can get a real sausage, peppers and onions sandwich other than the jersey shore.

oh shut up.

there's glitter on the floor

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you rolled those sevens with nothing to lose

so since i'm such a consumer robot - i bought about fifty dollars worth of acai shit yesterday - i usually get sick no matter what i do once a year (swine flu last year) - so i'm gonna try to get this shit first.

goal = be healthy.

i signed up for krav maga again - starting next monday (thataway it won't ever interfere with kids or work) - i'll gaining the skills to fuck you up and probably in a long skirt (my bad attempt at an isreali joke) but anyway - between eating better, exercising (btw my kid visit for tomorrow moved to thursday cause jdg wanted to go to yoga and i said okay - seeeeeeeee we're getting better) - drugfree - i'm gonna be alive forever.

more consumerism - i'm not trying fuck anybody right now - but if i was i think i might have to have condom sex (duh) but i mean they are making it look like condom sex is where it's at.  i wonder if this hot/cold - fire/ice stuff that is happening is like having a hot poker fuck you - wouldn't that take away from what feels good anyway - and ice what happens then? i am curious though. believe you me - i had hpv (we all doooooooo) but anyway - i never got anything else so i'm thinking i might just have good senses with that stuff - maybe i attract the few men out there who have the same senses i do and we naturally have clean junk - oh! i did do that one thing that i needed medical assistance a few times - that counts doesn't it? fuck.

so kids this weekend - and i thought maybe a hiking day with a friend next weekend but that already fell through so i'm headed to jersey - you gotz no idea how much i miss my peepz in dirty jersey man. 

but today i have group therapy at 1:30 to three - and then at the same place i have a shrink appointment at 4:30 - so i'm gonna bring my crocheting and the itouch for tunes.  i was thinking of leaving but the amount of energy i muster up to get into this building and out of the house really - is ridiculous.  why can't they just make pills to fix that - "take two of these everyday and you won't think your house will burn down while you're gone, you won't be involved in a shoot out and your kids are gonna be okay even though you didn't vacuum thier room for the third time today!"

and then another pill for......

SEE WHAT I"M SAYING.

my favorite mistake was you

i NEED to see a picture of a 3-7 year old roger federer - to have a son with those eyebrows promises one thing.  awesomeness.

speaking of federer - why? why? why? i had a kid visit (impromptu) at the park during the nadal match - cause i figured that was gonna go nice and smooth.  i made it home during the third set of the second match and basically wanted to puke the entire time.

i will say that novak has some thick hair - i don't think i've ever dated a man with hair thicker than mine - could you imagine our children? heh. and he has decent eyebrows too - i'm saying. 

what actually went through my head right after match point (after i shed a tear for rf *and i did*) was how if novak was going to fuck the shit out of his girlfriend or whatever - assuming he could fuck the night before these big matches. like if he held her legs together next to his ear and slid it in either hole and knew for that moment he was king of the world.

so yesterday after the date at the park - i went to world of mirth to pick up something for my day of the dead collection i have started - and i met a girl.  i was talking about the over kill for the man/woman wedding cake toppers - i said i was so over dudes and when i had said i was done with men she took it as it sounded and bent down and said "me too."  this chick was killer - who was the femme - we both were.  she had big hair done up  this girl took my mother-cocksucking phone number - never has that happened before.

do you think it has anything to do with my katy perry topic?

so after a short nap i woke to no tennis and the vma preshow - next the true blood finale - but first and foremost and at last my girl called.  she asked me out to "join her for dinner" wednesday.  i have a kid visit from five to eight - and to be fresh we're dining at ten.  i know that's not dinner dinner - but it's dinner time somewhere.

i doubt i'll eat - i'm too nervous already.

brae ate it literally.

brae - before he smushed me in my bed.

me and the boywonder.

here's a little clip of vin spitting the truth.

and i wrote two hundred letters i won't ever send

i finally have something to blog.

my ex-husband and i had a really awesome conversation a few minutes ago - or was it hours - or days - it's been on my mind so long that i am still really in awe.

we agreed to sit down and write out our custody agreement - without fighting for thanksgivings, christmases, not to fight over birthdays and things like that - i called him to talk about the first of our babysale ----- (we agreed i'd sell the shit on craigslist and we'd split it) (we sold a highchair for sixty bucks!) - whewwww! and he brought it all up.

this blog has become so two-faced it's not funny - there are things going on with my boyfriend that i can't write about - things about my parents that i can't tell anyone - things definitely about my kids that isn't anyone's business but mine and jason's .... and well it affects me. some of that shit even are reasons why i don't write on this thing much.

yknow?

not today though - i gotta say if i was engaged to russell brand i would float about and roll around with that hottie in katy perry's video! jesus christ if that video was about twenty seconds longer i could easily rub one out - (note: no hitachi!) - it's true lately i have been rubbing one out when i wake up.  i reach around like it was a lover's hand (diagram is me on my side) and while different from the volcanic orgasm that the hitachi produces it is a pleasant way to wake up.

especially when i don't have anything really to do that day.

all my bitches love me

this is what i'm reduced to.

 me:  hey dude

 Sent at 6:27 PM on Thursday

 me:  call me

 Sent at 7:40 PM on Thursday

 me:  doodie call me

 zakkary:  IM BUSY

 me:  zakkary be polite

 zakkary:  IM DOING A GAME

 me:  can't you pause it?

 zakkary:  NO

 me:  be nice.

 zakkary:  IT JUST DOES NOT PAUSE

 me:  call me when it's over :(

your voice is like soft summer rain

i really don't wanna talk about this week.

my boyfriend's brother died and it was the worst week of my life - i can't imagine what it was like for him.

getting serious with someone because he is going through the hardest thing life will ever deal him - isn't like having a magical date at some bed&breakfast.  but it is what is - and life goes on.

what's brewing is uphill but going on about it now is just not my style.

later today i'm getting my eyebrows done - that's enough detail about my life right now.

you can fly to heaven on time

500,000,000 eggs!

nooooooooooooo!

if they recall pesto sauce next i'm eternally fucked.

i don't think the culprit chickens laid eggs sold in virginia but i swear to god i saw someone buy ten 2 1/2 dozen egg cartons at walmart yesterday. 

so i - of course - thought he knew something i didn't and i bought a few dozen eggs myself (3) in the same packaging.  he just might've been having a party - but i couldn't be sure.

so i'm in bedford for the week - between work and my banking and my meetings i am booked pretty much the entire week.  my folks have set up an attorney for this banking shit - so i mean it's a good thing i guess.  he's pretty young so hopefully he'll last throughout the length of this stupid trust - which by the way michael has still avoided even though he has now moved to his chest (the last place on his entire body that isn't tattooed) and he still gets favors - i was blackmailed that if i got a dog i would be "cut-off" right now - maybe not down the line but for now anyway.

blahblahblah - so what michael makes blahblahblah amount of money - i'm just saying equal opportunities people.  

huzzah.

so i won't be seeing tj in rva for at least another month - but first a test above all tests - a trip to kentucky for a wedding.  fuck me - so flying (without benzos) i can do - a wedding (without drinking) i can do - seeing my boyfriend (without sexytime) i dunno!  he says it'll be hard especially because i want/need makeup sex - but my promise to mary is becoming more solid as each day passes and especially because i can't seem to keep my head clear from disrupting fuck chatter all day long. 

speaking of rva - i am thankful that richmond doesn't start school today like bedford.  august 23rd people?  i can remember not even starting to get into school mode until at least the first few days of september - and this year couldn't get any better for the kids (unless the 1st was on tuesday) but new jersey and richmond (that i know of) don't start until the 7th. 

huzzah for sure.
i am in charge of back-to-school haircuts and i'm not gonna take it lightly - brae will be sporting a late 80's/early nineties mushroom/skater thing and zrg will be continuing his quest for long hair.
saturday at my house i gave them all showers and zrg let me condition is hair - holy fuck - his hair is still so silky.  but - as far as a haircut - just a shape up and "DON'T TOUCH HIS BANGS" - thank you very much.
tip tip.

you had your chances and you threw them away

kings dominion was pretty cool - i had to apologize to zrg after i got home and realized that i was kinda harsh and not exactly the mom i want to be.

i mean being a mom isn't always a thing you do perfectly - but this was out of character for me.

zrg didn't want to go on the same rollercoasters he did last year and wasn't even following bdg on rides that jericho would've been allowed on.

of course - because i'm perfect - i told him that i wasn't proud of him.

jdg had mentioned the word negativity or something like it and i started to internalize it and by the time it was his bedtime i rang him and apologized.  sure he was like - "oh yeah right" - and didn't hold any of it - but you never know if that thought will probably creep on him when courage would be a better option.

so i prayed an extra rosary to mary before i fell asleep (barely) hoping she would guide my words better in the future.

i did do a few rides myself and let my kids watch me "almost die" - each time i did something they were like - you are prolly gonna die ma - and i thought of how fucked up it would've been if i did die.  so after two rides (lines were non-existent) i called it quits and i paired up with brae the rest of the day.  

i know i can't remember but two memories when i was four - and really only a handful from when i was seven but when i was four i remembered everything and when i was seven i remembered everything too - so even if they never can recall yesterday when they're in their thirties i can give it to them now and that feels eternally awesome.

speaking of awesome - a not-so-awesome thing happened yesterday.  i got one of those "your cc is under suspicion" letters that happen when you use your credit a lot when its laid dormant in your wallet.  but holy fuck someone tried to get money on my credit card from a money transfer thing in swisse bank or some shit.  they first charged 1cent to some espresso shop - found out it worked and then tried over $700. - and it was declined.

thank god for annoying banks.

then why isn't anybody callin

$410.89.

that's how much my fios bill was - this month - july, this month and the next month - fuck me sideways for real.  but next month it should be the 133. that we all agreed on.  can you believe that?

well - it's paid and i am not gonna worry about it.

so i went to my new group therapy yesterday morning - and omg - there's a dude in the group that is sexy as fuck.  he's crazier than fuck and calls himself all these terms but i don't care he's still sexy.  he was talking about some his mom for about thirty minutes - so he doesn't fit the orphan part of the my prerequisites (i spelled that right the first time) - but lemme just say that if i was ever going to go out with a completely labeled nutjob it would be him.  at least i know where he'll be next next tuesday at one thirty.

i was pretty sleepy sunday night when true blood came on - but lemme just say that eric northman is the most beautiful dude on the planet - and sixfootfourandahalf - there's no real reason why he wouldn't be in dreams almost everynight.

except last night - last night i drempt about this guy that kidnapped me and was drugging me - but i liked it.  and i was pretending i was being help captive but i was breathing in harder when he was holding this rag to my mouth and nose.  i'm telling you the phone rang this morning and it was zrg - and i did not want to wake up.

the only way i saw that this was my true love was being cleansed in the rain.

and crossing myself with gasoline!

true story.

so let's say you were (urp) living alone - and you were going to make this really good soup - would you make it for dinner and have it for lunch the next day - or would make it for lunch and dinner.  i'm gonna choose the later - and make it for lunch then dinner.

stay tuned for being shut up with kisses - the only way that i can really be silenced.

all my wishful thinking was gone.

so i'm home from dc and lemme just say i walked about ten miles (i looked at the map!) - and zrg nor i complained once.  i did get a blister and made zrg ask the lady at the paddleboat place for a bandaid.  but we did everything!

arlington, lee's house, eternal flame, taft, unknown, washington monument, ww2 memorial, reflection pool, lincoln memorial, korean war, vietnam wall, armed forces, jefferson memorial, ford's theater and the tour - that house across the street and well - i think that's it.  but fuck that's a lot!

this week has more in store - thursday we are going to king's dominion - me, z, b and jdg - i am pretty stoked! :)

here's are some pix saturday's visit and some from today and here's the rest!

so i was taking a pic of jitter and vin - hugging and zrg got in the middle.

love this.

happy.

at the end of the day - in the jefferson mem.

same local.

zrg looking for a second bullet!

i was contacted by richmond deck dude about our last encounter and i kinda told him i am off the market and that's true besides making up with tj (and he thinks the no sex thing for awhile is good too) i am keeping fast with jesus and mary. and just thinking dirty thoughts with a past lover had me saying an extra rosary at church yesterday.

i don't want to be praying away my libido but i can't let it completely rule my life.

which it has!

and does - unless i constantly put a stop to those thoughts! so needless to say the deckdude said it was great company - and that made me think it wasn't so bad.  but almost immediately i got a text from my bf and reminded me that there's a bigger picture than my deck and it's carpenter is not jesus!

no matter how he lays wood.

OMG - that was dirty and blasphemous and it even gave me the shivers! 

but i laughed out loud!

stealing in the name of the lord

i'm seeing the kids tomorrow and shit - but i miss my house.

while at work last night the original youngster that was asking me out - and he was too short for even me - asked me if while i was in richmond if i was back with my husband! i said no fucking way - and he asked if i wanted someone to keep me company and i was like well i just recently had company and it wasn't that good - so maybe.

and just then i remembered my promise to jesus and mary and thought if just talking about having company is wrong and just the very thought that i thought that having company was wrong proved it was wrong and i hurried and shuffled off.

not before he said he gave really good company.

this is gonna be tough.

immediately after work i'm going to richmond - i miss my house. i picked up a new haan steamer to do all the tile i have in the kitchen and bathroom and i love it.  before i went out and bought a new cover for it i decided to crochet one - so i did that last night - now i gotta go home and try it out.  i might wait till sunday till after the kids destroy my place tomorrow.

and even though just typing that my ocd made my fingers tingle - i can get through it for the sake of the kids.  

i started to crochet this scarf-type thing called a juliana wrap - i'm making it out of a real pretty cornflower yellow and almost a light grass green - i got the yolk part of the scarf done but the mesh part is next - NIGHTMARE - but i have plenty o'time on my hands - yeah right.  not having a real job makes everyone think you have all this time - but trust - i do not.

between seeing the kids so much and seeing doctors - oh yeah fucking meetings - i'm seriously wiped out by the end of the day.

goal: this week to take it more slow - oh yeah - edit:

goal for the week starting tuesday: take it more slow and learn time management better - and keep you mind off boys and your house clean and go to meetings and finish your scarf and start group therapy then look for a dog then think seriously about how a dog would make traveling except when you go places that are dog friendly and then hike dead rock maybe bring zakkary then get zakkary's hair cut then go back to bedford for the 23rd though the 27th for fill in work don't forget to hang out with nikki while i'm there and i thought i could fucking relax.

whatever.

edit: nervous breakdown.