troubles will come and they will pass

so supposedly this weather means a mild winter and nothing like last year.

whatever.

i'm not quite sure i believe in the almanac but if it means believing means it'll come to pass - then amen.

so i guess it's apparent that i don't go to as much church as before - i hit up mass but i usually do it in bedford and haven't joined a church here yet.  

i'm gonna tell you why.

i'm scared to go to masses that are packed - i can't count the people - the children - the men/women - it gets overwhelming.  knowing the mass helps because i can pick it up anywhere but it still is overwhelming when i need to count and then still pray and pay attention.  

so yesterday i had a little breakdown - i told a handful of people a fear (that i don't find to be irrational or unwarranted) and my mom said that fear is a lack of faith.

and it might be true - i might've been less scared when i was going to church daily and i want that again. 

with my haircut i have to really do something to it everyday to keep it up so a real early mass wouldn't be ideal but getting back in church is probably the only place i'm going to find the real answer and real security i'm craving.

wednesdays are usually the baptist and the holy rollers day to have daily mass but for catholics it can be.  i'm gonna try and find a mass and get my ass to it. 

in the morning i flip from the morning show news, to morning joe, to the vids on vh1 (i know this doesn't sound good) but when i add in running (5k/37mins) and yoga it all evens out to cool? 

i think so.

and built a fort outta sheets

so - it's that whole time of the year when the new shows start and i'm like oh - i wanna watch THAT! - ask me in may or better yet in december if i watch any television except jersey shore or true blood and the answer will be no.  i don't want this shit - i'm gonna tune into house and maybe - um - nothing else.  the commercials can sell anything.

even dating.

gimme a break.

i did pack away some/most of my summer things this morning - but i couldn't figure out if miniskirts fell into a seasonal category.  first of all i should write that i don't wear miniskirts to go anywhere really - they're a sex prop if anything.  

i did wear a miniskirt to the beach this summer because what are you really going to wear over your bathing suit in new jersey - a sarong? fuck.

back to eharmony - i remember one time thinking let's see what douches they have in common with me - so the SECOND FUCKING question i answered i'm married/but totally separated.  then i ask all this hokie shit - and flying kites and stupid shit and i get this thing - THIS TICKING TIME CLOCK - like they are really working my fucking shit up and gonna spit out the love of my life.

and i get a regretfully sorry but we don't deal with people who are married.

fuck everybody - and fuck okcupid - omg that thing is horrible.  my matches on okcupid (even here in rva) are not those like you kids get in boston or philly - instead it's really old guys (even if they are my age - how does that happen?) looking for that perfect match.

ew.

so the plan for the rest of the day - the lawyer called me which was on my list of things to do - is yoga and later dinner with a friend. other than that - i might check out tweetstalk - something that jdg introduced me to last night.

i do not stalk on the internet - i'm just curious.

tweetcurious.

live in the sunshine

fuck being witty.

so when my mom was leaving and jdg must've been on iron bridge - zakkary cut himself on that fucking pottery barn cube thing that i use as an end table and to the chippenham hospital we go.  five hours of me and jdg recanting our stories - hospital stories, kids, kids he teaches, my hopeful job, my dad coming, the minivan, his sister and the baby, his folks (a little) - the ring i bought at a yardsale and swear i should bring it to antique road show and finance my first plantation and yacht! but anyway - zakkary was a semi-good sport about it - up and until the lidocaine shot.  i mean that shit is murder - here you have this open wound that hurts like fuck anyway - and they wanna keep stick needles in it.  

i would've been fucking screaming too!

i told him he was strong and showed courage and now he's at home with his dad when i just wanna snuggle him and tell him what a good sport he was and how i admired him throughout.  his singing throughout the day at the hospital was the only thing that could've calmed me down - the only that i remember keeping me sane for years.

then i got back and my mom wanted to kill herself with the three babies and she left - i ran into a friend and we're watching sherlock holmes while i blog, catch up on the internerd and wish it was tomorrow.

but until then i'm noshing on vanilla ice cream and gonna post that making out would be perfect before the end of the flick.  let's see if dude checks it.

we'll play jacks and uno cards

i would be lying if i said the kids were sleeping but - two of them - brae and zrg are waiting up to go to bed with me.  my mom is asleep on the twins bed with vin and jericho. 

the last time zrg and bdg slept over in the middle of the night zakkary said - "this is when you put your arm around me" - i wrote it down in a million places because he's gotta know that there are a million days that he changed my life and that was one of them.

so i honestly am becoming busy - and working for what i really really want.  although my dad is helping me it's still not easy smeasy - sure i could keep things the way they were and just sit here but that's not what i was meant to do - and where i am in life - it just happened.

i wasn't unaware that i was terribly spoiled for a lil' bit - but now i want things that aren't "necessary" but HP provides.  the same week i get more hours - is the week my hp gave me the strength to approach jdg and buy this minivan and not depend on jdg as much.

this is hp and he works in my life.  i'm not just getting a job, getting a car, getting my tooth fixed, getting my kids this weekend - because of coincidence.  instead it's the benefits of not getting into trouble - not fucking with a dude (note: not dudes*) - going to church (still) - and mixing the right amount of fun, sun and water pills.

the perfect transition into being able to buy water pills otc - can you believe they put this on the diet aisle.  speaking of ironical or observational (because it didn't ever happen to me*) but the enemas are totally not even close to douche in walgreens. 

note - i didn't think trying a douche could really speed up the end of my period but i guess i thought wtf - i even took a jacuzzi bath but it didn't work.  and the enema - well - it just made loose poop during buttsex.  oh well.

note - i have no real need for douche (never did) - still have the freshest smelling pussy ever - but i tried this and i think the proposed smell was mint - or forest - whose pussy smells like forest?

we're both real sorry that it had to turn out this way

so the kids are staying the night - but around seven zrg called and he was having a hard-time being a big brother and i told jdg i'd come and get him and he could help me get ready for tonight.

so far we made breakfast sandwiches, i showered, we put a heavy duty blanket on top of the couch (what was i thinking buying a beige couch), went to seven/eleven for slurpees, picked up lunch,  made sundaes and now we're snuggling watching cars.

um - soon we'll go shopping if i can wake up and if zakkary's (still sweet) breath doesn't keep me knocked out till they get here.

he doesn't read this so i can write that i got him some nascar christmas wrap - i also got the kids markers and shit for now not christmas - and i got a toilet seat for when they might want to take a shit.  i was semi given a computer for them for christmas - a desktop (per request to santa from all of them) - it's a hp it's not super fast but tested (without cleaning and wiping it out completely) and it still got online fast enough for worldofcars.com - and some other things he does. so i need a nerd to wipe it out.

the wii plus the computer plus some other junk and it's going to be a lite christmas.

do not i repeat - do not link me to my own post when i'm going nuts in december because i feel inadequate with what i got everybody.  

this year is different - this is the year of change.

i say that too with what happened with a friend over the past few days - i met a guy that was particularly emo over a certain thing and i really didn't care one way or another but someone (not me) got sensitive over a particular something and next thing you know our encounters were cut to a halt.

or were they.

we'll see - things work out the way they are supposed to but sometimes they work out the way they are supposed to later on and then again sometimes they work out the way they should be in the future and right now they just suck. 

and then sometimes they work out like you shouldn't've ever fucked with it in the first place - and sometimes you gotta throw a few bucks away to get to the real peace and sometimes you gotta eat a little dirt to know what it tastes like and well - i just suggest that sometimes you just remember what things are for and not what we use them for.

whatever - i'm missing out on nap for this?

fuck me.

if i held my breath in the mornin - would i wake up in a new land

am i retarded?

ever since i started to do my own laundry - granted it was when i moved in with jdg (25) - but i never separated colors and whites and i think maybe once i had an issue.

wtf do they push that shit still on tv? being the consumer robot i am i'm wondering if i am fucking up my clothes somehow for the future - and i should start doing my whites with bleach but i wear like one white thing a week - i mean i wouldn't tell my mom i don't separate because well she'd tell me my babci was rolling in her grave - but still - i'm going to stand with the one wash and go method.

she's also against fresh-ground pepper and kosher salt - two things i stand by 100percent.

so there is this incredible spider outside my kitchen window and he captured and webbed up a stinkbug (click it)- that stinkbug is full sized - meaning that spider is fucking huge. 

i wonder what that fucker will have in there tomorrow - regardless it's gross!

so i got myself a le tigre shirt at goodwill the other day i was thinking the person who donated it probably did so because like me with le tigre (mossimo, hang ten, paul frank) - they were into them before kmart sold it.  why the fuck should it matter.... it doesn't! but somewhere in my warped brain i'm like fuck it - fuck clothes too!

the other day a friend asked me to dress sexy and i was like - ugh... i'll try.  i mean i tighter jeans but they aren't like "oh i'm sexy jeans" and i have tighter tshirts but that's what they are tshirts and then in the winter i'll put a thermal under them and they'll be tshirts that'll probably snug up a bit in winter.

i don't even know what i would look like trying to dress sexy - i was like i like sex - does that count and apparently it did.

liking sex counts folks.

just kidding - but not really.

 

i canceled my subscription to hbo now that true blood is over - i'll join again next year when it starts.  i was thinking about keeping it but with the wii santa is bringing i'm finally going to get netflix.  paying for tv, movies - for internet.  it's like do i have to pay for the shitty version of the swedish movie or can't i just watch it online?  

you're probably wondering where the real tara went - well she went with all the donated clothes to goodwill and will reappear when the government streams my media and you can get a real sausage, peppers and onions sandwich other than the jersey shore.

oh shut up.

there's glitter on the floor

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you rolled those sevens with nothing to lose

so since i'm such a consumer robot - i bought about fifty dollars worth of acai shit yesterday - i usually get sick no matter what i do once a year (swine flu last year) - so i'm gonna try to get this shit first.

goal = be healthy.

i signed up for krav maga again - starting next monday (thataway it won't ever interfere with kids or work) - i'll gaining the skills to fuck you up and probably in a long skirt (my bad attempt at an isreali joke) but anyway - between eating better, exercising (btw my kid visit for tomorrow moved to thursday cause jdg wanted to go to yoga and i said okay - seeeeeeeee we're getting better) - drugfree - i'm gonna be alive forever.

more consumerism - i'm not trying fuck anybody right now - but if i was i think i might have to have condom sex (duh) but i mean they are making it look like condom sex is where it's at.  i wonder if this hot/cold - fire/ice stuff that is happening is like having a hot poker fuck you - wouldn't that take away from what feels good anyway - and ice what happens then? i am curious though. believe you me - i had hpv (we all doooooooo) but anyway - i never got anything else so i'm thinking i might just have good senses with that stuff - maybe i attract the few men out there who have the same senses i do and we naturally have clean junk - oh! i did do that one thing that i needed medical assistance a few times - that counts doesn't it? fuck.

so kids this weekend - and i thought maybe a hiking day with a friend next weekend but that already fell through so i'm headed to jersey - you gotz no idea how much i miss my peepz in dirty jersey man. 

but today i have group therapy at 1:30 to three - and then at the same place i have a shrink appointment at 4:30 - so i'm gonna bring my crocheting and the itouch for tunes.  i was thinking of leaving but the amount of energy i muster up to get into this building and out of the house really - is ridiculous.  why can't they just make pills to fix that - "take two of these everyday and you won't think your house will burn down while you're gone, you won't be involved in a shoot out and your kids are gonna be okay even though you didn't vacuum thier room for the third time today!"

and then another pill for......

SEE WHAT I"M SAYING.

my favorite mistake was you

i NEED to see a picture of a 3-7 year old roger federer - to have a son with those eyebrows promises one thing.  awesomeness.

speaking of federer - why? why? why? i had a kid visit (impromptu) at the park during the nadal match - cause i figured that was gonna go nice and smooth.  i made it home during the third set of the second match and basically wanted to puke the entire time.

i will say that novak has some thick hair - i don't think i've ever dated a man with hair thicker than mine - could you imagine our children? heh. and he has decent eyebrows too - i'm saying. 

what actually went through my head right after match point (after i shed a tear for rf *and i did*) was how if novak was going to fuck the shit out of his girlfriend or whatever - assuming he could fuck the night before these big matches. like if he held her legs together next to his ear and slid it in either hole and knew for that moment he was king of the world.

so yesterday after the date at the park - i went to world of mirth to pick up something for my day of the dead collection i have started - and i met a girl.  i was talking about the over kill for the man/woman wedding cake toppers - i said i was so over dudes and when i had said i was done with men she took it as it sounded and bent down and said "me too."  this chick was killer - who was the femme - we both were.  she had big hair done up  this girl took my mother-cocksucking phone number - never has that happened before.

do you think it has anything to do with my katy perry topic?

so after a short nap i woke to no tennis and the vma preshow - next the true blood finale - but first and foremost and at last my girl called.  she asked me out to "join her for dinner" wednesday.  i have a kid visit from five to eight - and to be fresh we're dining at ten.  i know that's not dinner dinner - but it's dinner time somewhere.

i doubt i'll eat - i'm too nervous already.

brae ate it literally.

brae - before he smushed me in my bed.

me and the boywonder.

here's a little clip of vin spitting the truth.

and i wrote two hundred letters i won't ever send

i finally have something to blog.

my ex-husband and i had a really awesome conversation a few minutes ago - or was it hours - or days - it's been on my mind so long that i am still really in awe.

we agreed to sit down and write out our custody agreement - without fighting for thanksgivings, christmases, not to fight over birthdays and things like that - i called him to talk about the first of our babysale ----- (we agreed i'd sell the shit on craigslist and we'd split it) (we sold a highchair for sixty bucks!) - whewwww! and he brought it all up.

this blog has become so two-faced it's not funny - there are things going on with my boyfriend that i can't write about - things about my parents that i can't tell anyone - things definitely about my kids that isn't anyone's business but mine and jason's .... and well it affects me. some of that shit even are reasons why i don't write on this thing much.

yknow?

not today though - i gotta say if i was engaged to russell brand i would float about and roll around with that hottie in katy perry's video! jesus christ if that video was about twenty seconds longer i could easily rub one out - (note: no hitachi!) - it's true lately i have been rubbing one out when i wake up.  i reach around like it was a lover's hand (diagram is me on my side) and while different from the volcanic orgasm that the hitachi produces it is a pleasant way to wake up.

especially when i don't have anything really to do that day.

all my bitches love me

this is what i'm reduced to.

 me:  hey dude

 Sent at 6:27 PM on Thursday

 me:  call me

 Sent at 7:40 PM on Thursday

 me:  doodie call me

 zakkary:  IM BUSY

 me:  zakkary be polite

 zakkary:  IM DOING A GAME

 me:  can't you pause it?

 zakkary:  NO

 me:  be nice.

 zakkary:  IT JUST DOES NOT PAUSE

 me:  call me when it's over :(

your voice is like soft summer rain

i really don't wanna talk about this week.

my boyfriend's brother died and it was the worst week of my life - i can't imagine what it was like for him.

getting serious with someone because he is going through the hardest thing life will ever deal him - isn't like having a magical date at some bed&breakfast.  but it is what is - and life goes on.

what's brewing is uphill but going on about it now is just not my style.

later today i'm getting my eyebrows done - that's enough detail about my life right now.

you can fly to heaven on time

500,000,000 eggs!

nooooooooooooo!

if they recall pesto sauce next i'm eternally fucked.

i don't think the culprit chickens laid eggs sold in virginia but i swear to god i saw someone buy ten 2 1/2 dozen egg cartons at walmart yesterday. 

so i - of course - thought he knew something i didn't and i bought a few dozen eggs myself (3) in the same packaging.  he just might've been having a party - but i couldn't be sure.

so i'm in bedford for the week - between work and my banking and my meetings i am booked pretty much the entire week.  my folks have set up an attorney for this banking shit - so i mean it's a good thing i guess.  he's pretty young so hopefully he'll last throughout the length of this stupid trust - which by the way michael has still avoided even though he has now moved to his chest (the last place on his entire body that isn't tattooed) and he still gets favors - i was blackmailed that if i got a dog i would be "cut-off" right now - maybe not down the line but for now anyway.

blahblahblah - so what michael makes blahblahblah amount of money - i'm just saying equal opportunities people.  

huzzah.

so i won't be seeing tj in rva for at least another month - but first a test above all tests - a trip to kentucky for a wedding.  fuck me - so flying (without benzos) i can do - a wedding (without drinking) i can do - seeing my boyfriend (without sexytime) i dunno!  he says it'll be hard especially because i want/need makeup sex - but my promise to mary is becoming more solid as each day passes and especially because i can't seem to keep my head clear from disrupting fuck chatter all day long. 

speaking of rva - i am thankful that richmond doesn't start school today like bedford.  august 23rd people?  i can remember not even starting to get into school mode until at least the first few days of september - and this year couldn't get any better for the kids (unless the 1st was on tuesday) but new jersey and richmond (that i know of) don't start until the 7th. 

huzzah for sure.
i am in charge of back-to-school haircuts and i'm not gonna take it lightly - brae will be sporting a late 80's/early nineties mushroom/skater thing and zrg will be continuing his quest for long hair.
saturday at my house i gave them all showers and zrg let me condition is hair - holy fuck - his hair is still so silky.  but - as far as a haircut - just a shape up and "DON'T TOUCH HIS BANGS" - thank you very much.
tip tip.

you had your chances and you threw them away

kings dominion was pretty cool - i had to apologize to zrg after i got home and realized that i was kinda harsh and not exactly the mom i want to be.

i mean being a mom isn't always a thing you do perfectly - but this was out of character for me.

zrg didn't want to go on the same rollercoasters he did last year and wasn't even following bdg on rides that jericho would've been allowed on.

of course - because i'm perfect - i told him that i wasn't proud of him.

jdg had mentioned the word negativity or something like it and i started to internalize it and by the time it was his bedtime i rang him and apologized.  sure he was like - "oh yeah right" - and didn't hold any of it - but you never know if that thought will probably creep on him when courage would be a better option.

so i prayed an extra rosary to mary before i fell asleep (barely) hoping she would guide my words better in the future.

i did do a few rides myself and let my kids watch me "almost die" - each time i did something they were like - you are prolly gonna die ma - and i thought of how fucked up it would've been if i did die.  so after two rides (lines were non-existent) i called it quits and i paired up with brae the rest of the day.  

i know i can't remember but two memories when i was four - and really only a handful from when i was seven but when i was four i remembered everything and when i was seven i remembered everything too - so even if they never can recall yesterday when they're in their thirties i can give it to them now and that feels eternally awesome.

speaking of awesome - a not-so-awesome thing happened yesterday.  i got one of those "your cc is under suspicion" letters that happen when you use your credit a lot when its laid dormant in your wallet.  but holy fuck someone tried to get money on my credit card from a money transfer thing in swisse bank or some shit.  they first charged 1cent to some espresso shop - found out it worked and then tried over $700. - and it was declined.

thank god for annoying banks.

then why isn't anybody callin

$410.89.

that's how much my fios bill was - this month - july, this month and the next month - fuck me sideways for real.  but next month it should be the 133. that we all agreed on.  can you believe that?

well - it's paid and i am not gonna worry about it.

so i went to my new group therapy yesterday morning - and omg - there's a dude in the group that is sexy as fuck.  he's crazier than fuck and calls himself all these terms but i don't care he's still sexy.  he was talking about some his mom for about thirty minutes - so he doesn't fit the orphan part of the my prerequisites (i spelled that right the first time) - but lemme just say that if i was ever going to go out with a completely labeled nutjob it would be him.  at least i know where he'll be next next tuesday at one thirty.

i was pretty sleepy sunday night when true blood came on - but lemme just say that eric northman is the most beautiful dude on the planet - and sixfootfourandahalf - there's no real reason why he wouldn't be in dreams almost everynight.

except last night - last night i drempt about this guy that kidnapped me and was drugging me - but i liked it.  and i was pretending i was being help captive but i was breathing in harder when he was holding this rag to my mouth and nose.  i'm telling you the phone rang this morning and it was zrg - and i did not want to wake up.

the only way i saw that this was my true love was being cleansed in the rain.

and crossing myself with gasoline!

true story.

so let's say you were (urp) living alone - and you were going to make this really good soup - would you make it for dinner and have it for lunch the next day - or would make it for lunch and dinner.  i'm gonna choose the later - and make it for lunch then dinner.

stay tuned for being shut up with kisses - the only way that i can really be silenced.

all my wishful thinking was gone.

so i'm home from dc and lemme just say i walked about ten miles (i looked at the map!) - and zrg nor i complained once.  i did get a blister and made zrg ask the lady at the paddleboat place for a bandaid.  but we did everything!

arlington, lee's house, eternal flame, taft, unknown, washington monument, ww2 memorial, reflection pool, lincoln memorial, korean war, vietnam wall, armed forces, jefferson memorial, ford's theater and the tour - that house across the street and well - i think that's it.  but fuck that's a lot!

this week has more in store - thursday we are going to king's dominion - me, z, b and jdg - i am pretty stoked! :)

here's are some pix saturday's visit and some from today and here's the rest!

so i was taking a pic of jitter and vin - hugging and zrg got in the middle.

love this.

happy.

at the end of the day - in the jefferson mem.

same local.

zrg looking for a second bullet!

i was contacted by richmond deck dude about our last encounter and i kinda told him i am off the market and that's true besides making up with tj (and he thinks the no sex thing for awhile is good too) i am keeping fast with jesus and mary. and just thinking dirty thoughts with a past lover had me saying an extra rosary at church yesterday.

i don't want to be praying away my libido but i can't let it completely rule my life.

which it has!

and does - unless i constantly put a stop to those thoughts! so needless to say the deckdude said it was great company - and that made me think it wasn't so bad.  but almost immediately i got a text from my bf and reminded me that there's a bigger picture than my deck and it's carpenter is not jesus!

no matter how he lays wood.

OMG - that was dirty and blasphemous and it even gave me the shivers! 

but i laughed out loud!

stealing in the name of the lord

i'm seeing the kids tomorrow and shit - but i miss my house.

while at work last night the original youngster that was asking me out - and he was too short for even me - asked me if while i was in richmond if i was back with my husband! i said no fucking way - and he asked if i wanted someone to keep me company and i was like well i just recently had company and it wasn't that good - so maybe.

and just then i remembered my promise to jesus and mary and thought if just talking about having company is wrong and just the very thought that i thought that having company was wrong proved it was wrong and i hurried and shuffled off.

not before he said he gave really good company.

this is gonna be tough.

immediately after work i'm going to richmond - i miss my house. i picked up a new haan steamer to do all the tile i have in the kitchen and bathroom and i love it.  before i went out and bought a new cover for it i decided to crochet one - so i did that last night - now i gotta go home and try it out.  i might wait till sunday till after the kids destroy my place tomorrow.

and even though just typing that my ocd made my fingers tingle - i can get through it for the sake of the kids.  

i started to crochet this scarf-type thing called a juliana wrap - i'm making it out of a real pretty cornflower yellow and almost a light grass green - i got the yolk part of the scarf done but the mesh part is next - NIGHTMARE - but i have plenty o'time on my hands - yeah right.  not having a real job makes everyone think you have all this time - but trust - i do not.

between seeing the kids so much and seeing doctors - oh yeah fucking meetings - i'm seriously wiped out by the end of the day.

goal: this week to take it more slow - oh yeah - edit:

goal for the week starting tuesday: take it more slow and learn time management better - and keep you mind off boys and your house clean and go to meetings and finish your scarf and start group therapy then look for a dog then think seriously about how a dog would make traveling except when you go places that are dog friendly and then hike dead rock maybe bring zakkary then get zakkary's hair cut then go back to bedford for the 23rd though the 27th for fill in work don't forget to hang out with nikki while i'm there and i thought i could fucking relax.

whatever.

edit: nervous breakdown.

yeah if i had you

so - while up in jersey i was constantly worried about what my dad would do/wouldn't do to embarrass me and it took the whole time i was there and some before and after to realize that i'm not responsible for him - nor was i responsible for jason and nor am i really responsible for my kids.

when i took zakkary to the museum of the confederates this summer - he was asking A LOT of questions - some that might be common sense (to an adult) - some that the tour guide kinda touched over already and some that were legitimately curious and awesome.

now some might say why don't you shut your kid up or some might think i might've sshhhhhed my kid - but fuck them all.  we paid like everybody else and each time that kid's hand went up i was proud - at the end of the tour one man who looked pretty down to earth came up to me and said how proud he was of zakkary for being so curious and then he looked me in the eye (eeeek) and told me that i was a decent parent for encouraging him to ask questions when others might've hushed their kids.

this entered my mind when thinking that one of me and zrg's stops will be ford's theatre and that place across the street where lincoln died! youuuuuu know the one - where they have that bloody pillow and everything.  i can only imagine what he'll ask - and then again i think i wonder what he'll ask.  

the only thing that will be up in the air for that day is whether or not his front teeth will be gone yet!  christ they have been holding on for two weeks pretty loose - and i keep encouraging him to bite apples and stuff - even if it's to spit it right out (god forbid he likes fruit) - but he won't bite (heehee) and they are hanging on by threads! :)

i hinted to zakkary to get jdg to pay for the train - but i don't think zakkary quite has the manipulation skills that are required for such a task - if i had a few more days i could do it myself or train the youngin but i'll just drive - it will give me a chance to give the entire kids bop 18 a real go - and whatever other mess he's listening to these days.

i had to do some serious banking in town - and then i went to goodwill for junk.  i got this bottle/vase type thing for on top  of the fridge and i got toy story 2 on vhs (i didn't tell you i had a vcr - shame) and i got a tattoo type shirt for brae and a bills shirt for me because i thought t.o. was in buffalo until i just looked and saw him in cincinatti - wtf?  i think jason let me go on for a whole conversation about this and didn't correct me - he remembers i don't like to be corrected but an entire conversation, christ! i must've looked/sounded like an idiot.  anyway - it's still pretty old school and it's big enough whilst being tiny to wear a thermal under it for the winter.

IDIOT!

love letters in the sand

bedford bedford bedford.

yesterday - i worked a really early shift, came home, showered, ate and went to sleep - between waking up early and working plus the drive the night before i was way tired. 

alot of people wonder why i am so dependent on jdg to give me kid time and it's like this - i could ease into it on his (our) schedule (basically i ask - he says no the first time and then he gives it a week/two and when i ask again he's all in) OR i could take him to court over everything and we both go broke (lawyer fee's are 250/300 hr his being 300) but i haven't asked him for something and got completely shut down yet.... 

bringing me to a day next week.  

so we all know (or do now) that zrg is obsessed with presidents - and especially the kennedy's all things kennedy and that boy loves (from jfk, rfk, john-john and lil' baby patrick) this shit - so i'm taking him to arlington and a bunch of the sites in dc i think that jase was trying to get me on a train by insisting we were gonna hit traffic one way or another but i can't afford the day trip plus the train (no matter how much zrg begged.)

*now - if jdg paid - i'm totally down with training it*

speaking of jdg - out of the four majors in my life it's him i am getting along with best.  this morning i called zrg and he was still sleeping - in the past jase would let it go to vm or have a baby answer saying zrg was asleep but he picked up and we actually talked for a few.  and everytime i see him we're talking sports or music or even movies or tv - it's like that time we never got before we got married.  now i'm not saying this is courting or anything like that but it's nice to talk to an ex and not talk about revolution (jlm) or fucking (bm) or even tm (past-posi-fucking) - i honest to god am serious i want all four of those assholes to get married and then i'll know it's not even possible to weasel my way into conversations, thoughts or plans.

go say i do - or say go away tlg - because that's how this girl needs closure.

OR - in response to beautiful written goodbye or even a celebration of goodbye - (thumbs super way up jlp) - go and die and be remembered forever.  

i miss him just as much as i did ten years ago but it's something that i choose to hold on to - it no longer holds onto me.

get over yourself and you'll see that the biggest things in life are bigger than text messages and whatever the fuck facebook is - get a life and donate some time to causes that need you (not video games) - play by the rules and pay taxes, obey the speed limit and give up the drugs - i mean we're all in our thirties now and it's time to not refer to each other as kids (i'm still guilty of this one.)

i'm gonna go to work tonight and try and keep my thoughts straight and keep them honest and more clean (clear) than they have been - not to focus on men or myth even (are they different?) and to get myself aligned with the only thing i have today - diet sierra mist and eight hours of boring.

the surface breaks

i hate talking about boys.

i do... but i might as well get it over with.  i don't know if cheated is the right word - or whatever - but i hooked up with someone here in richmond and of course i didn't have to tell tj but i did and well - we're calling it quits.  it has nothing to do with rva dude (at all) but more with me being pretty sure there is no room for a dude in my life right now.

i guess i knew that before i hooked up with dude - but i wanted to be sure.

don't get me wrong - i still love sexytime but i can't handle the phone calls, the drama, the no phone calls and everything else that having someone to answer to carries - i want to be able to not call someone and it be okay.  

what i'm still saying is i like being single.

but i'm gonna do single and no sexytime either for awhile.

new jersey was good stuff - i missed it as usual (and missed my dad and a few friends too) - but we did ellis island and liberty everything on friday.  growing up there i never really did that shit and it was solid fun.  saturday we spent at the jersey shore - bay head - and then sunday we drove home.

i have some pictures somewhere - camera number 2 is missing.  at least i know this time it has no nekkid pictures - and that alone makes looking for it not as panic-y.

i'm headed to bedford for a few days... i gotta work a few shifts (thank god) and then saturday i'll be having the kids for the weekend so i gotta get back for that.  

i really don't want to go to bedford for work much longer - my boss is leaving town at the end of the month for a week and i'm gonna cover for her.  but after the next couple weeks i'm gonna look for something here.  going to bedford for work and whatnot makes the trip horrible in my head - if i was just going back to see friends or a meeting or whatever i wouldn't be in such a funk the whole time.

jobs have to go.

i have a few projects on my hooks - and that feels good too! i need to get back to what makes me happy and to leave the boys alone.  i swear - no more boy blogging - i'm gonna give it until november 1st - october is the month i dedicate to mary. and well - it will feel better to start now.

paved with blood

so yesterday went well - my mom stayed the night and then we went to mothertrucking waffle house... i am gonna say something northeast'ers ... I LOVE THE SOUTH.  i am a jersey girl at heart - and i will be there for the better part of this week with a few friends (my dad's hosting) - but there is a big chunk of my heart that belongs to virginia now.

tonight will be my first night watching true blood without streaming it - live - at nine pm.  last summer i watched live - but it was always semi-awkward because my mom had the cablebox and i'd have to go up there and watch and leave - but now! - NOW! - it's all me and i'm gonna be pretty amped.

tomorrow i'm gonna meet jdg at the half way point and take zrg for the day again - the other kids are in camp still.  we're gonna come back here - have breakfast - go shopping and then hit cici's for lunch.  if anybody can make cici's worth it - it's my baby.  he eats enough for the two of us AND i have a coupon buy one get one free.  

some pix:

!!!

babies.

my tech savvy boy.

and my techie mom.

my little boy.

my nightly bill.

oh - and me and tj are okay again.  i'm not gonna put my daily business out there because it's just vomit at the mouth - the way it used to be with bm.  

OH - and speaking of bm.  if i ever don't hear from anybody one person the rest of my life it would be him.

OH - and tattoo appointment for next tuesday is set.  

OH - oh yeah - that's it.