now there's a million questions i could ask about our lives

fuck me.

i am sick.

i woke up next to dying - i'm not sure what it is but i have too much to do today to die.

i gotta get up and go to cocksucking therapy and after that i have to come home to get ready for church (i'm 99percent sure) and read tonight and then a stupid meeting.

of course all these things i could cancel and might.

i keep hearing things.

it's not like voices or nothing - well - sometimes. it sounds like i left the mp3 player on in my purse - all the time - i can hear a song but i know the mp3 player is in my car or my locker for real. but i heard shit like this when i was really anemic - so i am gonna go and eat some greens for dinner. here in the south people eat greens on the first and today at work i heard they put money in their underpants on the first too.

greens mean you'll have money in your life and the cash because what you go out with in 09 - you'll go out with in '10.

i did neither - i'm gonna be broke and eating pork rinds at the end of the year again i guess.

this dude who i talk to online/telephone/skype/other finally got the zombie severed finger chapstick holder/keychain i made him today. i was pretty stoked about making and mailing it - so for it to arrive and be being used already well - more awesomeness.

but in awkwardness news:

i can not do the bm thing - it drives this stabbing feeling in and out of my chest everytime he contacts me and he knows this.

it's not just a wussup - and it never was. feeling like he has that power over me just takes me back - i have really grownup and i am trying to not let dudes run around in my head or tugging at my heartstrings anymore.

nope.

with my bellybutton birthday (how we differentiate our birthdays into freedom from when our moms actually pushed us into this world in the twelve-step program) coming this weekend - i have been semi-not-so-emo. i don't mind birthdays really - even though i prolly won't be having birthday sex (a choice) - i will be having a badass dinner and i'll be having one thing i like almost as much as sex: a backrub.

nick seems to be able to rub my back without it being that weird thing that comes next - 'yeah, um, take off your shirt so i can put lotion on' - that hasn't happened.

yet.

although don't forget i do have dry skin.