desire is coming

i hate television.

i was FLIPPING through the tv guide for fuck's sake to see when the tennis match was going to be on and they showed the results.

well - it's on at ten and federer wins.

that's a shame - i stayed away from twitter, the news - and i couldn't catch a break. i couldn't stay up or wake up either so i guess i'm partially to blame.

i watched the trophy ceremony and i do not know why those dudes think they have to be witty and shit.

the next major tennis tourney is roland garros - and it's my favorite.

not seeing the kids sucked - but between the phone and skyping we've been staying in touch this weekend - yesterday i was (i am gonna say this) unshowered for *coughs* a few days - (that's me minimizing) - but even zrg was like mom - you look like you need to wash up!

so - i did and i did a mask ... and i don't know if it's my imagination or not - but i think it gave me more freckles.

i am pretty anti-everybody today.

all you need is faith to hear the diesels humming

i am so happy that i got on the path that i'm on - when i did - with what i had - and exactly with what my hp provided.

it makes even the shittiest days - doable.

the new sex&submission is up - and lemme say i did a preview that turned into a long view and i came three times.

good god - it was pretty good.

to say the least.

even though snow was in the forecast i went to a meeting last night - and then i came home and sorta went straight to bed and woke up to watch the serena/henin final at 3:30. it went to three sets and justine really tried - but serena won again. and tied billy jean king for most slams and then referred to her in the past tense.

bjk is pretty much alive and i hate when people do that.

speaking of tennis - i was talking to a friend and he brought up the very real possibility that this may be federer's year to pull out the grand slam. i would puke - i really would. but i'm gonna get behind it - because i want to route for something big like that.

i was supposed to work tonight but due to the snow - i'm not going anywhere. my saying - if i can't go see my kids - i'm definitely not working. so tonight i'm gonna go to sleep early again and wake up for the federer match - i'm talking snacks and drinks and the whole nine.

if you're up at 3:30 est and wanna watch it together find me on the internet.

does summer come for everyone

fuck.

it looks like the snow is gonna put off another kid visit - but i can always pray that the mountain will stop the storm like it usually does.

(fingers crossed - pray pray pray)

so i don't know how it happened but i gained five pounds solid in the last two weeks - like it's not going away solid. so i am really gonna watch what i eat - for prolly about a week or two - and hopefully with a bit more exercise i'll be at my happy weight again soon.

i wonder if me being the age i am (coughs) - i have grown outta forever21. not the clothes silly - yesterday i got a really cute fitted blue tshirt and ruffled shirt for the summer - but their exchange policy.

do you know that if you buy something there - and even with a receipt - five minutes later... you can only get store credit? it's true! there are NO returns.

i think it may have something to do with the kind of activity i was participating in myself (shhhhhh - i only wore it once) - but i returned a shirt that i may or may not have worn and got two shirts for the upcoming warmer days.

i also returned those destroyed khakis for a pair that are more destroyed and yellow.

THEN - dun dun dun - i went to my final group therapy session. it's true - today at nine i called probation to let her know all is well - and i'm done people. probation - shmobation. i mean yeah - i still got some time over my head so i can't get in any trouble but no one to report to anymore or piss for.

that doesn't mean i'll be getting high any time soon but it just means i can relax and leave the state without papers.

fuck yeah.

federer won in straight sets last night - and i guess that's just about the only thing i can count on these days.

everything else is optional.

that's why she'll be back again

i honest to god did an entire blog entry on the derrick pierce/angel vain scene.

pictures and all - but it was so bad that my screenshots didn't even help.

hopefully - friday - it'll be something that i can cum to.

yeah - it was that bad.

a friend gave me a link to watch new moon online - fucking finally - two months later and i get to see the mess.

i don't have the books here - because i left them in jail - but i remember in the scene in the car just when bella has her chest on jacob's chest and they were gonna kiss - she had a "vision" of edward and he said "be happy."

that's the be happy i always refer to when i'm titling posts and stuff - to have that gift from your past lover/out-of-reach lover would be more than ideal.

now in the book you learn that edward was never there when she was risking her own life - he wasn't even really trying to think about her - he was in south america - prolly doing blow. but her mind got her through those tough times - and i'm a sucker for the wrong guy/wrong time - so of course i'm on team edward.

if he's treating me wrong - and i'm not supposed to be with him - and nature even says it's icky - i'm all about it.

i have the binder of paperwork that i really push off on to tomorrow everyday. if i could fix just one of these bills a day i would be done probably by the end of the year and well - that too - is just great.

/ sarcasm

she got the beat and here's a little bit comin' your way

so.

i went up to watch tennis at my mom's last night - better tv, more options - and look at what happens.

roddick killed.

nadal withdraws.

nadal better start working on something other than that left fist pump because his body is falling apart. first he gives up the number one seed due to issues - and now he's out of the aussieopen.

the final is obviously gonna suck - but one can hope for a federer/djokovic semi.

saturday i went to the malls and shopped a bit.

my favorite purchase was the little solid sexy little things noir perfume i got - but i did not know that i would be wearing it so soon.

after a real day of rest on sunday - tennis, football and mailer - i woke up yesterday to a text from bm and he was kinda/sorta/really wanting to see me.

after talking to a few people about it i went and hung out - and as mentioned earlier - i have my period so there were limits to last nights rendezvous.

plus he didn't have that much money to warrant a real "date."

i'm half serious.

besides being the only thirty-fucking-five year old i know with a hickey - the day looks promising.

make it last all night

i puked for about an hour earlier.

then i went back to bed.

it was really really really red - i think those gushers i ate that i had bought the kids sat in my belly and were the first thing to come up.

gross.

so marcos baghdatis retired in the second set of last nights match up with hewitt - that kinda sucks - i wanted to see him beat lleyton after last years epic match.

oh well.

federer advanced... djokovic advanced... nadal's playing today and roddick is too. i mean it's kinda boring but will make for a good week if not anything else.

my boss called and asked if i was ready to come back to work.

i don't think i am.

but next saturday i'm fixin to try.

tonight i am going to roanoke with a friend to an na meeting. this is in its own way epic - i've only been to bedford and jersey na - so this is big in my world.

first we're gonna head to the roanoke mall and she'll get sneakers and i'm gonna get a pair of pants at old navy.

i have a visa card with an old navy logo on it and i got a reward card for being such a swipe-aholic - that the pants i've been salivating over (ok! i know!) will only be like seven bucks - eight bucks with tax!

can you believe that... taxing clothes?

oh - for the love of god.

are cyprus guys white?

you can rock me just about anywhere

so.

okay... my hp is making me think these days.

i follow andyroddick on twitter - he's okay - once in a blue moon he'll post a picture of his wife and well - that's good stuff.

but on to the meat - he follows chad ochocinco and i guess they were talking about who would win in tennis - blah blah blah - and andy challenged him to a duel.

on the court - andy would play him with his left hand and give chad two months to practice - the winner gets a car of his choice!

then chad tweets back - that it's on - but the money goes to the charity of the winners desire.

if that isn't a big fuck you to andy i don't know what is.

it wasn't like that was a tm or an email - that shit is out there - it's probably on tmz or some shit - espnews or something.

btw - andy advanced in last nights match versus spain's lopez but i gotta say - this is the month of soul searching for me.

i bought myself a pair of hope jeans. like i hope i fit in them pretty soon - i am totally period puffed up but i would like to fit in them before summer.

i found this chick's blog - again this is a total mindfuck but she shops more than me. her blog - the unbearable lightness of being me - makes me look like a shlub in the shopping scene. but i find myself envying some of her purchases (and boobs).

i'm probably too late for a the north face fleece - just like i'm too old to gauge my ears (but i want both) - instead i'm going to use some of my birthday money (i know right?!) and get the tattoo on my pelvis area on february 13th (kedves mamma.)

it'll be a clean date/seven years since zrg's birthday kinda present.

fucking seven years.

the words circling in my brain

so - tipsarevic lost.

his australian open bio says he wants to have dinner with nietzsche if he could.

i mean i might've thought that was a good thing at one time - but today i think it's semi-silly.

let's see how avant guard i can be - that plus my dostoevsky tattoo and i'll really separate myself from federer!

bleck.

today that only turns me off - more.

but it got me thinking of who i would want to have dinner with - and here's the fucked up part: i don't wanna have dinner with anybody.

i couldn't think of anything more annoying than eating in front of someone that i am truly interested in - but getting interested in someone would be just as difficult.

for some strange reason i thought of rod stewart but i think that's because we share a birthday - then i thought of angelina jolie but that's only because i wanna tell her she's an asshole.

i have no desire to put food into my mouth - that we both know is gonna end up at my asshole - in front of really anybody ever again.

sure - it is going to make for dating again near impossible but the fact of the matter is my "orgasm" and my "eat" face are really personal.

there is something i really really really want from the mall - i told s i would lend her the money to get her sneakers while her taxes come in - but neither of us really feel like getting dressed to even go shopping.

i desperately need that vs body spray sexy little things noir - if you wanna buy it from me and keep me off the icy roads comment away!

instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground

so my tea obsession is over -

the new thing is blood oranges.

good god i love these bitches.

but everything around me is sticky - everything.

i must've eaten a dozen in the last four days - and i'm still fucked up over the fact that i don't feel good - at all.

janko tipseravic - my all-time tennis god blew past an american in round one - who cares - he's the coolest guy to toss a ball around ever.

andy roddick also won last night - he's into the third round - he yelled a little bit and then tweeted about it.

if i didn't like federer so much i might be an andy roddick fan more.

actually thinking about it i'm fighting the inevitable - i have been craving oranges, sleeping like crazy and what not.... i don't think i'm pregnant - i think i might be getting sick. although i don't think i can be pregnant.

now i gotta gotta think about it.

fuck.

although i know dear john will end up in the cheapie movie theatre in two weeks - that doesn't mean i'm not semi-excited to see it. i always dream about that guy - ever since step up 2 - (i even giggle when i write that) - nick is the closest i will ever come to having a boyfriend that could/did/would dance.

truth be told: sometimes when the weather is too gross to walk/no motivation to actually go to the gym: i dance here for a semi-workout.

so - i hate being a bummer - and if i don't get it out then the point of the fucking blog is pointless. but i am really disillusioned with people. i don't really really give a shit about too many people - and lately i feel like maybe my hp is delivering a message i am too blind to see for myself. that people really don't care about me either.

i get so wrapped up in my own misanthropic life-style that i'm missing the whole cocksucking point:

no one cares.

my phone doesn't ring and i think - i wouldn't answer it anyway.

but the point may be: it doesn't ring.

i don't know if you can truly hate the world if it hates you back.

but then my homework was never quite like this

so we learn that angel cummings is only nineteen in her interview - she says she wants pete to fuck her hard and good - he tells her she better mean what she says. it's only her fourth time admittedly to being tied up - and i know that pete is a pretty dece dom.

i hope he breaks her.

(i'm doing this live)

the first scene starts out with her in an underground cage - under two pieces of plywood and a ballgag is keeping her quiet - a small detail is that when he is taking off the second piece of plywood is boots are over her face... dirt falling in her eyes? let's hope so.

he doesn't agree to let her out will she promises to be good - watching pete manhandle her is a little voyeuristic to me - his son is mixed so watching him with a black girl makes it one degree of separation in my fucked up mind.

when he gets her to that bed - and starts to give her some proper titty attention he tells her to close her eyes - HOTT - he says he doesn't want her to see but he starts to really turn himself on because the still teenage natural titties are making his cock hard and he knows she knows it.

he flips her over - and this is important on how she is still bound/gagged and unable to move - because it reminds me a real slave relationship and starts to inspect her pussy. he pulls her panties up through her pussy lips and shows the camera how little her slit really is.

he tells her he's going to take that ballgag out and stick something in her mouth - and he does. he fucks her face and she's good at it - he tells her she's a good girl ... her lips wrapped around that cock in my opinion could've used a few fingers too - pete was being gentle but he finally breaks out the flog at the thirteen minute mark. she calls pete sir as he starts to get her ass red - after he gets a good flogging on her ass he beats her titties until all of a sudden pete's naked and she laying on her side in a position that he starts to fuck her.

it may look tame but he's fucking her with a fervor but for a self-admitted sub (and like myself) i can see how and why she was getting hot. he had his hands on her tits and she was liking it.

me too.

you can tell she was into it - her pussy was sloppy loud and he was pushing it in pretty hard - i forgot i left the wand in the bedroom.

the second scene starts off with her on a box in the same creepy bedroom - the abduction scenario is alive at least in my head - she's sitting on a box with her arms held up. he comes in puts a ballgag on her - raises her arms and she's straddling that box now. he flogs her with two different flogs and when she says the one that hurts less hurts more - he makes her pay with some aggressive tittie torture.

the nipple clamps come out and he gives her but only two weights on the chain - he says that she looks so pretty right now he wants her to come for him.

yes fucking sir.

after she cums he takes off the tittie clamps and he lays on that box - still straddling that box she is bouncing on his cock. he eventually sits up and guides that cock into her tight little pussy but she fucks him for a solid eight minutes without too much noise.

i like her.

i'm thinking make her cry already.

the next scene is where she is on her hands and knees and pete enters the room - and sticks his cock right into her cunt. he asks her if she likes being tied up and fucked - and this looks more like a reward to me - her ass is sitting high in the air and she wants him to stroke her pussy with that big dick - i'm jealous.

after she tells him she's gonna be his good girl - he pulls one of my favorite moves and throws the leg over her hip - she obviously must be a capricorn cause she seems to like this as much as me.

he knows that little tramp can take more and he gets on top and drives his cock right into her sloppy pussy - he has her say more and she is squealing in delight.

there's no need for mute with this starlet.

in the same scene - pete a fan of the wand - treats her to a leg over the hip, and his big cock in her pussy and the wand on her clit. it's no chore for her to tell him she's gonna cum before she does because it happens within two minutes. the only difference between us is that when i get a cock and a wand on my clit i'm squirting like a geyser.

the next scene starts off with a table of toys (a spider gag, flog) and our slut on a dentist chair (where do you get one of those?).... he fucks her pretty good and not too aggressive on this chair for about five minutes until (fucking) finally she cums - no wand - and she's into it. he's hitting her clit with his cock at this point and she's loving it (me too) - after he slams it home again he's gonna cum and she wants it.

he strokes all of it off in her mouth and tells her to spit it back out - he loves it.

pete - who must own stock in hitachi - and loves black chicks - lets her cum again and she's all crooked on that chair!

cumming like crazy!

where the fuck was the bdsm?

where's the submission -

where the fuck was the torture!!!!

my grade: C-

pete asks this slut if a. she'll come back for another dom (she nods) then he fucks EVERYTHING up and asks if he can fuck her again (WA?) - so that was just sex on camera - there's nothing sexy about it.

hold me till i die - meet you on the other side

good morning.

halloween did not hold my interest for long - evisceration really should be in the title - but i guess rob zombie didn't think to call me.

i made up for the lag in plot by getting naked on the ba chat.

i watched the first half of the movie with my jammies on and the laptop between my legs - by the credits i had come twice and my stupid aim was blowing up.

in tennis news sharapova is gone - she's been really slipping up the past two years - as a matter of fact after the summer of 2006 and the powershot phenomenon i don't think her star ever rose again.

speaking of stars this little boy is only seventeen but good god - since i didn't get my period until i was almost sixteen (i was small!) there are very few guys that i am attracted to given my biological clock started after my sexual start! that i could've truly given birth to - but here is case number one... this little hottie is in the second round and ranked almost at three hundred.

i'm not gonna route for him but i'm not going to really route against him either!

i am finally gonna get to the s&s review - i wonder if anyone is dragging their feet on the interracial scene as much as i am.

coffee! oatmeal! and fucking! here i come.

but what I need right now's the original goodtime girl

some nights my medicine kicks in more /faster / better/ worse than others.

last night was one.

i went to that hr meeting on that guy just now - and i'm home again.

they actually asked me what i wanted to see happen - and all i said was he has to take responsibility for his actions - he had four hours from when he punched out to when we talked that he could've/should've said this was a bad idea and not to blame me or my supervisor or anyone in hr for holding him accountable.

but that's almost like me pushing my values down his throat - and just because (just for) today i hold my actions towards others higher than i once did - doesn't mean everyone will/or should.

i saw a pattern for a hat i liked but if you look at the circled part of the ad - you'll see why i refuse to buy it. i'm so sick of tree-hugging people who have to tell everyone they bump into that they called and donated to the redcross and that they sent their pillows and blankets to the needy people of haiti - i might send them my bdsm cuffs and hitachi wand - i think they'd appreciate it as much (i mean they still must be horny!!!).

this morning i am going to watch halloween 2. i had to wait till this morning because of the daylight issues and what not.

i'm not trusting imdb for movie ratings anymore - a friend suggested and imdb gave phoenix and griffin a 7.0 - and it blew a 0.7 on this end.

so - rob zombie's halloween may or may not be a 5.0.

i'll let you know.

from out of the shadows she walks like a dream

the tennis goal of the year!

my own - to get myself behind some direct tv in time for roland garros.

watching three of the four slams with multi-cams will be enough for me... tonight/tomorrow starts the au.open... and tennis for the year.

let's start with the ladies!!

what does it say when six of the top ten ladies last names end with an a:

(to me) it says this is good stuff.

mostly russian and blonde and even a fellow pole.

i have a few favorites but i am still behind safina (not pictured) - i think she's going to give serena a run for her money this year... and being twenty-eight hundred points behind it's gonna be a helluva run!

the men are always a tricky subject for me.

i have too many favorites to pick just one... because there's the guy i think that would look good with his face been my thighs, the guy i think would look better with me on me knees, the guy i wanna feel pressed up against my ass and then the guy to pound his grand slam in all my opens - so i'm not a sports writer - but i am a sports fan.

i know exactly what it feels like (as tm was bitching about) to tape or watch the game/match on tape delay to only have it ruined it for you after you get your favorite drink and "whatever" ready (for me these days it's diet ginger ale and skittles).

sports have been earmarks in areas of my life that i'll never forget:

i conceived zrg during a polish loss to korea republic in 2002 - we had woken up pretty early (stayed up late) - to watch it and that's the exact night it happen.

i went into labor with him during the pole shootout in february 2003 ....

i got engaged when the columbus blue jackets visited the devils for the first time on december 27, 2000 at the game.

watching that epic federer/nadal wimbleton match....

i'm just saying that sports isn't about the win/loss only - it's like life (go with me on this) - preparing and showing up is 99percent what it takes it - when you get there you let your hp show you the result and you go home satisfied that you did your best.

so he started rockin' -- ain't never gonna stop

i had a pretty good visit - okay - that's a lie - the visit was awesome.

i'm having issues of my own - but they have nothing to do with the kids or the visit or jdg - i'm just in it right now.

before the visit i went and got a pair of hightop reeboks (metallic red!) - they go perfectly with those skinny jeans i got the other day. my dc sneakers were too bulky for skinny jeans - and they were perfectly on sale - so yeah.

i went to kroger and got me and jess salads - we both have been beating ourselves up about what we've been eating so i thought if we came prepared we'd do better - i was right!

the kids gave me lotsa sephora and benefit and tarte makeup for my birthday - i still think it's awesome that zrg insisted and jdg complied - he said that zrg told the salesman (wearing makeup) that it was his mommy's birthday (or he might've said mom - he's been doing that) - and aside from my emo wreckage in my mind - that made my day too.

he had me take a picture everytime he got 21.

that's his poker face behind there.

winner winner chicken dinner!

i fucking love him.

and him.

and him.

ice!

vin was like leave me alone - i already did the ice.

that's brae running after zrg with leaves.

that's jitters running after brae.

brae wanted his picture taken with the wolf.

i swear.

my lacoste bag came - and my kellogg's alarm clock and that's the battery they sent me (ONE AAA) - you had to eat so much cereal for this thing and it's so small - if it wakes me up then it's cereal well eaten but i'm not going to count on it.

i will be updating with a s&s review and a tennis preview.

long live porn and sports!

viva testosterone!

uhh, I reach down between my legs n' ease the seat back

so.

thank god for bv.

we were talking last night and i got pretty honest - all during therapy all these grown ass men were talking about how they can't stop watching the news and we should be grateful and blah blah blah that we have what we have and honestly - all i could think about - was where the fuck was that lacoste bag i ordered on monday and that i fit honestly into a twenty-seven at forever 21.

honestly how long can i be twenty-one?

i'm sorry - but when i came home and told on myself and a few people told me that i'm not as bad as i think (i mean i do have some philanthropist ideals) - i still couldn't spark that haitian fire and i drove right by the spirit fm truck parked outside walmart with customers using the carts to bring just boughten water and crackers and junk... yup... i went and got my nails done.

they look bomb - for the record.

i am going to a meeting tonight and for overpriced coffee. i might do the whole - beep and wait thing because i am wearing a new sweatshirt and (the above mentioned) jeans and her dogs might make them stinky - and i plan on wearing it all again tomorrow.

jdg and all.

so.

1. i had gotten to work on time - i looked cute - i was ready to chat the night away and the itdept fucked me royally.

i called bv - i showed him the message i was getting - instead of a coworker ratting me out he thought it was a dhcp server was down... i was certain i was gonna get fired.

eight hours of that shit without my laptop was going to be hell.

pure hell.

2. fast forward.

sometime around three o'clock i got a phonecall from someone i sorta work with - and i don't wanna say too much because it is bringing up fears that no one really even knows i have - (unless i work the twelve steps with you or i came outta your birth canal) - and well.. i was harassed, threatened and scared by the end.

i haven't really processed what's about to happen yet - and it's not good.

none of it is.

it's all part of my rock and roll dream

i gotta work the cocksucking overnight tonight.

i hate it.

it's thursday so that means fucking group therapy and bedford aa too...

i hate my bitchface fat-fucking boss too.

but...it's not even the money that i care about (money can be made other ways - more on that later) - it's the letter i'm gonna request from that boss, from the church, my sponsor and whoever else might help me get my kids when i move back to richmond.

so - burn me at the stake because i am not sending money to haiti.

first of all my phone bill is ridiculous already but how fucking convenient that we can just text something and they zap our phonebill!

it makes me think of that time bc had us do something like that and in the end he got an ipod for free. twelve friends have some mysterious charge on their phonebills and you come home to an ipod.

i called and went beserkr on the phone company.

fine print.

it's all about the fine print - it's like this thing with bm. everyone says don't do it - people know i can't really have sex with someone without it meaning my heart is involved (no matter how brutal) - i am just one of those people.

bv said that most people are like me and i'm not all that different - i just wonder why no one else talks about it then.

it could all the porn i watch - people have sex with chick a today and chick b later that day and then still able to have emo-style fucking with their lady that night.

so it looks like i need someone to explain not only that porn is a business to me - but why my computer needs all these updates that hp, windows and ca does ALL THE TIME - my computer is working just fine without them.

isn't it?

workin on mysteries without any clues

so with what i remember eating yesterday i probably consumed at least fucking 4,000 calories. it was one of those days.... those biscuits (yes, s) were 1200 alone and that was before nine am.

today is gonna be nothing! well - next to nothing - i hope.

i worked out earlier and that helps - my arms and my ass - i promised the dog i'd take her for a walk tomorrow, friday and saturday that should kick me into un-lazy mode!

when i got that tm for my birthday from my brother - it opened up a chance to be normal again. have my kids... have a relationship with my sibling... have friends... i mean being clean gives me that. when i'm using i can't be there for anybody and now - well - people want to be in my life. i'm starting to feel like i can be there for other people too.

my mom talked to my sister-in-law this morning and she said - "this shits been going on long enough" - supposedly my brother bought me a mushy-gushy birthday card but didn't send it. i know how he feels. i write out emails (whether literally or in my virtual-brain) and don't ever send them... rejection is too close at that point.

ANYWAY.

i got a new bag coming - a birthday present kinda - it's a black lacoste bag but i am setting my eyes on the bag i want for the spring. i mean - it's almost spring, right? i might take my bag from last summer - take it to the cheapie dry cleaner and it might appeal to me more - but i doubt it.

whenever i let my mind go to the bags and clothes of the warmer weather i start to think about the other shit that will be happening and i embrace the cold - if it stays cold - i stay put!

how kan u have any pudding if u dont eat ur meat

so before i get into the porn - lemme just say i ate my blueberry biscuit and i got the sugary icing in my hair and my mom said it looked like cum - it did.

walking home i thought i am not even gonna review that scene - it wasn't very good.

there are so many better scenes that i could get into but all sites have mishaps - this is one of them.

i am going to rewatch it - while i give you my opinion.

when you start it's daunting - sixty-six minutes of streaming porn is a lot. i didn't even think of rubbing one out to the end - i could and sometimes do get it over with straight away.

she claims she has an eight on a scale for pain tolerance - and if that's an eight - well... i don't think i have a pain tolerance. she's very whiny.

i feel bad i'm still on a downer note - her nipples are all over the place. but her rear is nice.

while his cock is deep in her throat she's gagging and drooling - he tells her to thank him for letting her suck it... he tells her to suck off all the drool - and when he wants her to take it all he says... "that's a good whore - you keep trying..." and that "if she doesn't get it all in - he'll make her."

her penguin top wasn't as loose as it looks - it was the highlight of the first twenty four mintues.

the stockade part was sexy - but ten minutes wasted sorta... at the 46:00 mark - he fucked her for about one minute by then - and he rewards her by laying it deep in from behind.

but she's still whining.

finally she begs for his cock in her ass and he delivers - but i had to fucking mute it. she was really crying and stuff - and it was screeching.

if he didn't stop and walk out the room i was gonna.

we finally get to this setup at the 54minute mark and the hitachi was out.

when he's fucking her here in her ass and his thumbs on her clit - i tried to unmute it but it was too annoying - i would never cum.

so i turned off the noise - turned up the wand and so did he - that quieted her down a little bit. the slut just wanted to cum - then she took it like a champ in her ass.

finally in the final scene - she gets him hard in her mouth and he cums pretty quick - she takes the majority of it in her mouth but spits it out.

she looks tired.

i'm gonna say that this was not one of my favorite scenes from sex&submission.

derrick pierce is okay but this slut is not even in wikipedia - i heard if you don't have a wikipedia page and you do porn - you just get fucked.

grade: c-

(ps i took all those pictures!)

keep an open heart and you'll find love again, i know

so when i was in fye a few weeks ago i saw this compact little speaker thing you can plug into your ipod - i wonder if i can plug that into my laptop for speaker noise (this is when i miss electro-boyfriends.) i don't want to clutter my desk with speakers but i want more volume sometimes.

i was watching the derrick pierce/tricia oaks scene on sex&submission (full review coming) and i could hardly hear him - although i did wonder what a neighbor/passerby would be thinking of what could be heard.

so i knew i wasn't going to get birthday laid - but i didn't even birthday come.

it's true. i forgot that day - and it wasn't until was watching tricia did i think about it.

i saw a commercial last night for a hardee's blueberry biscuit and well - being the consumer robot that i am i'm gonna head out for one in just a minute.

sexandsubmission post next.

if i could escape and recreate a place that's my own world

it's my birthday assholes.

i'm pretty tired and to tell you the truth i am sick and depressed.

it's hard to tell how depressed i am because i truly am sick. it's gotta be a good chunk though.

i haven't been to a "meeting" since wednesday - and that's just not how i do things. i went to the shrink and group therapy thursday but it's not quite the same.

friday i worked that second shift and truly it wasn't/shouldn't be called work - between my computer, the ba chat, crocheting and finishing the time traveler's wife i didn't get much done.

and i can't remember if i really did anything yesterday.... nope.

last night i got prolly one of the better gifts i'm gonna make out with:

three months of sex and submission baby.

i haven't thought of a gift that was/will be used - better than money to ac moore.

i went to bed thinking it was a dream - but nope - it still works.

fuckin eh.

so - unless my mom or dad sent me books in jail and they did (my mom took that btw when she visited one day - and that's no county jail people) ... i had to rely on the jail library. i read a lot too. mccarthy, joyce carol oates, bukowski, dostoyevsky (on and off), camus - and my secret baby - sparks.

i know.

it feels good to get that off my chest - but two things from jail have merged this morning: dear john by sparks is coming to the cinematic world with channing tatum.

oh yeah. now i know a paragraph that includes the authors it does - it almost even makes me puke a little in my mouth talking about the taking it to the streets star.

but i still have a few secrets and he's one of them.

good gawd - that guy is sexy and i don't care - i like the way he dances.

when i was pregnant with zakkary i went to hannah's wedding - i was just fifteen weeks pregnant or so and it being my first... you could hardly tell. so when jdg's dad danced with me i can see how fools like kelly osbourne can advance in celebrity dancing shows: you only need a good partner.

don't get me wrong - i can pop my ass on a dance floor but to look graceful - you need a good partner.

enter: sexy-mo-mexy-channing tatum.

we watched movies in jail too - and step up 2 was a movie i watched and will totally admit to having a picture of him above my bed (below one of my unlucky cellmates). regardless of who it was - i often rubbed one out at least once a day.

channing, beckham, romo - it was all i could get my hands on really - but it worked.

another thing that worked was looking at the hot mother-fucker guard saltarelli.

oh - and don't forget the time the paramedics came in (and we were on lock down) those fire fighters scooting around the pod were there just long enough for me to finish.

thank god for girls with sugar!

cause i'm a freak bitch baby

i hate this blog.

i can't get one thought out without puking all over the page.

yesterday i went to therapy, group therapy and then i worked for three hours - and that's all i'm gonna say about it.

so my medicine definitely has a few drawbacks:

1. i can NOT cum within twelve hours or so.

believe you me i tried (today) and i watched some pretty hott stuff and i really tried but i can definitely say that is a drawback - especially when you have a lot to do that day and you wanna start it off right.

2. while my ocd ritualizing is getting better my social anxiety disorder is getting worse. so i'm home alone a lot more - but at least i'm not counting as much? is that really fair?

3. filling it now in january it cost a few bucks more

i gotta work today - second shift.

so that's why masterbating this morning would've been more than ideal. i am going to read some basic text (that's na stuff) with a friend and then it's home to pack for work (computer, duh!) and try and get done what i couldn't get done just now!

gawd.

i have about an hour left to the time traveller's wife - it's due today. i might rip it to my mp3 player for work tonight. i'm afraid the end might be sad though - not really a work listen. but i don't want it to be late and i don't have an hour worth of driving today.

i'll write a full review of the book when i'm done with it.

call me for a wild time

i bought a hat pattern today.

its been so cold here that i thought i'd try and find something i like - i actually tried on a few slouchy hats at uo and didn't find any i liked so i bought a pattern on etsy and that's kinda what i'm doing.

lemme tell you about my night tho!

so i went to therapy and kirby is convinced 99percent of how i view me and my love life (with/and without men) is because of jimmy somehow. i mean you'd think two years into therapy and i'd be more than scratching that surface.

the fact i need to have dudes' attention is prolly making some people just about throw up in their mouths about now.

i'll fast forward thru church (where i only messed up once and not on tarshish) - i'll go right to the part of the meeting where sexy was talking about his issues with lust. i could then not help but seeing him outta those clothes and pushing his serenity straight into my stomach! me-fucking-ow!

now don't get me wrong - the crush is long gone - so when i started squirming in my seat is when i heard he was struggling with fantasies and the definition of love - i thought i could interject and give him some of my experience, strength and hope of my own!

ENOUGH!

i am prolly gonna burn in some sorta twelve-step hell for taking his business outta the meeting and by tossing it around in my head like it's some sorta game... but i will tell you i was looking at the size of his hands, the curl of his lips and the way he held onto me in the circle of "love"... okay... i'm even making myself a little gag-gy.

i just realized i have the wrong size hook for this hat - so it's gonna have to wait till tomorrow. i have to go to therapy, get medicine and go to group therapy and a meeting.

can someone say -

go cra-zy?!

now there's a million questions i could ask about our lives

fuck me.

i am sick.

i woke up next to dying - i'm not sure what it is but i have too much to do today to die.

i gotta get up and go to cocksucking therapy and after that i have to come home to get ready for church (i'm 99percent sure) and read tonight and then a stupid meeting.

of course all these things i could cancel and might.

i keep hearing things.

it's not like voices or nothing - well - sometimes. it sounds like i left the mp3 player on in my purse - all the time - i can hear a song but i know the mp3 player is in my car or my locker for real. but i heard shit like this when i was really anemic - so i am gonna go and eat some greens for dinner. here in the south people eat greens on the first and today at work i heard they put money in their underpants on the first too.

greens mean you'll have money in your life and the cash because what you go out with in 09 - you'll go out with in '10.

i did neither - i'm gonna be broke and eating pork rinds at the end of the year again i guess.

this dude who i talk to online/telephone/skype/other finally got the zombie severed finger chapstick holder/keychain i made him today. i was pretty stoked about making and mailing it - so for it to arrive and be being used already well - more awesomeness.

but in awkwardness news:

i can not do the bm thing - it drives this stabbing feeling in and out of my chest everytime he contacts me and he knows this.

it's not just a wussup - and it never was. feeling like he has that power over me just takes me back - i have really grownup and i am trying to not let dudes run around in my head or tugging at my heartstrings anymore.

nope.

with my bellybutton birthday (how we differentiate our birthdays into freedom from when our moms actually pushed us into this world in the twelve-step program) coming this weekend - i have been semi-not-so-emo. i don't mind birthdays really - even though i prolly won't be having birthday sex (a choice) - i will be having a badass dinner and i'll be having one thing i like almost as much as sex: a backrub.

nick seems to be able to rub my back without it being that weird thing that comes next - 'yeah, um, take off your shirt so i can put lotion on' - that hasn't happened.

yet.

although don't forget i do have dry skin.

will I look for the same things in a woman that I dig in a girl?

fuck.

i am at work.

i got up this morning and my mom was banging on the camper door - "i got coffee" - i was like "for what?" and that's when i saw my boss, coworker and mom tried to call for about three hours to get me to come in for a girl who called out sick.

it was on for me - i fell asleep watching the new mr. pete shit on s&s. i finally got that shit working - and the bitch was so boring that i kept falling asleep. he was awesome tho.

he was really verbal with her - which i absolutely love (re: tony, bm in top ten lovers post).

a few moments of interest: when he was manhandling her in the beginning - it was highly erotic how he had the end in sight - that if she did "this"/she'd get "that" - i loved that. to think of her/him playing along - to get to some awesome big dick fucking (uncut or not).

the other part that held my attention (and this was just now) was the exit interview: 1. he admitted to hurting her boob with improper usage of a nipple clamp; 2. they said they needed no lube - that she was that turned on for four hours (hott) and finally he asked if she'd come back but with a different "dom" - the mere fact that he referred to himself as a dom - loved it.

however - i do follow him on twitter and he's not really a dom. so that brings me to the whole sub/dom relationships. i guess you can have emo sex with a guy you play bdsm with. me and bm always had confusion with that - but i'm beginning to get it a little better.

i mean don't fault me for not getting it right the first time around.

maybe next time it will be laid out a bit better - the rules that is.

ANYWAY.

i am listening to my mp3 player from fiberone. don't laugh.

but anyway - i have a "get-rich-quick" but "valid" idea - i think earbuds should have two-tone. the top half should be skin color* - and the bottom half either "denim" color or black. that way when you thread them under your shirt and out - no one can really seem them on your neck/in your ears.

and what goes in your pocket isn't blasted white!

i think it would be good for me - and i can't be the only one that has to sometimes hide the fact that i am so bored to death at work that i need to hide my earbuds.

*and by skin color i do mean freckled.