we looked backward and said goodbye

so.

i just got home. again.

i feel like the only way i'm not going to spend money is if someone cuts off my hands and gets me a pair of concrete shoes.

today - (hold your chair) - i got jdg one of those furry-lined hoodies - it matches these new shoes he has and he likes hoodies. plus - he's a good dad to those kids and maybe if i put forth no hatred on christmas he'll see i changed.

then it happened - lemme preface what happened with how i see guys these days (five types):

1. the ones i have absolutely no interest in (like old guys and young guys)

2. dudes i'm related to

3. guys in meetings that have their shit together and i'm attracted to that.

4. guys that look good enough i would pretend i'm not catholic.

5. guys that impress me intellectually and i wanna get to know despite how they look.

i met a number 4 today.

i will be posting a craigslist later - it will read almost exactly like this -

"blue marlin - today - lunch"

"you were in the back (or were supposed to be) cooking - you had a ponytail and shorts on.

"me - i was with my mom, wearing too much makeup, hogged down my fish tacos (kudos!), big earrings and flirted enough to let you know i was interested. - we should talk - at the very least."

my mom and a friend and i were talking and i'm gonna let the crush crush on. i don't want a relationship and only if i was crazy would i give him my phone number yet. this is the same girl that would lay down with someone on the first date - ie first time i ever met you.

i have survived a lot without drama - me and bm are pretty much done forever but let's not put tm to rest yet. i haven't seen him online or he hasn't come when i beckoned - so i wrote him and this is what he wrote me back:

"I realized after the last time we talked that you haven't changed at all. You still seem very cruel, vindictive, and duplicitous. I don't think anything positive can come from our internet friendship, so I won't be going on AIM or reading your blog anymore."

i know. i might be a little cruel at times - believe me - you would be too. but i'm not gonna sit here and say that tm and i had anything to really talk about. he still things of success as something i don't - fun as something i put behind me and the future as something to achieve.

i'm trying to stay in today - and well - be happy.