hop in the water plug just for old times sake

so besides watching bad tv - and wishing for more - i have too much to plan for this weekend.

normal people are getting their shit together for this wedding - maybe some have check lists - SOME will probably even forget to do some things and not freak out about it - but i am pretty much the girl that can't get it all together and will think it matters where every curl goes!

gah.

i need a reprieve from that insanity too!

m o v i n g o n ! ebay - so i have this new favorite seller - of course this means i haven't really bid on anything she has but gahlee i want to. here's the thing - why don't we (the bidders) unite and not get crazy and outbid each other. why not just wait for her to list another 'shirt' tomorrow and i wait the three days - then you wait the three days and so on. we could really pull a doozie on her. but no - you outbid me - i outbid you and we outbid her and some last minute asshole outbids us all.

it's all about honesty right? gahlee - i buckled and bought new underwear and fucking said 'nah - i'm straight' and i did it anyway. i'm telling you insanity!

straight across the board!

You want it, I got it. Go get it, I'll buy it

i hate it.

i hate the fact that not only do i watch those movies where the underdog saves the day - but i like em and now i'm involved in the sub-culture.

i can't believe i'm writing about this.

while i was (cough) away - i watched step up - and i know i mentioned in a privious blog my love for bring it on - football movies (?) - stick it! - (help me name some more) - but a few nights ago i streamed step up: 2 and while imdbing - i got excited to see that abdc (america's best dance crew - catch up) is starting again.

i wrote recently that i just learned how to dance - and for a nerd like me - well it's just silly. i mean i know how to dress up for my boyfriend and stuff but now - now - i know how to shake my ass. i can only compare it to a stripper who can kick ass in jeopardy!

feel me?

my mom is getting out of the hospital this weekend - you got no idea how weird it is to be as excited as i am about this.

miss her.

mean it!

this is the weekend that i am supposed to wear those killer shoes with that badass dress. if i can pull the shoes off without fucking up my foot i will. if not i will pull off something flat - but the heels for pix at the very least.

i'm reading the black dagger brotherhood dealios - and it's pretty fucking sexy.

And Sugar, we're going down swinging I'll be your number one with a bullet

today - i had the bombass outfit on. i wore this fitted button down shirt - grampa watcha and boyfriend jeans (i really hate that term) - and gahlee it looked cute.

prolly too cute for bedford!

today i went to a quilt show at the library - for a girl who's really crafty i appreciate the craft of quilting even though i never tried it yet (see: i plan on quilting a blanket from their baby clothes).

anyway - at the library a lady lost her keys today. i was trying to imagine what it would've been like to have been in that situation and i just would've died (i think). but here in bedford she got a ride home (FROM ME!!!!) to get her second set and then back to the library (where we all seriously looked for an hour and while we were gone someone found them in a couch - under a quilt!). that is the type of girl i am today - and i am pretty fucking proud of it (OR i wouldn't of told y'all!).

i also am the type of girl that would ask the man maintaining the dollar operated stuffed animal claw grabbing machine at walmart if i could have the mini-cabbage patch kid. i thought what the hell - i really don't have the luck (or skill?) to win the mini-replica of my favorite doll of my youth - so maybe i'll use my swagger (and OUTFIT!) to get it.

it worked!

i remember getting a cabbage patch kid on the 15th year anniversary of cpk and now at 25th anniversary i am getting another surprise. one of my parents (hee) has offered to send my first cpk to bath camp! yes - you read correctly! elsa marie is getting a bath and is getting cleaned up. right down to a new diaper and her hair did!

tell me life isn't good and i'll show you the grin on my face!

honest to blog

i had to leave that meeting early. lemme just say that i started out on my 'errands' today around eight in the am - which included a fucked-up visit to the foot doctor - a trip to the post office - to see my mom - posi-trip to sonic - to driving junk - then to a meeting. i'm saying approaching nine o'clock i said - ENOUGH!

i am so tired.

i know i got cranky with a friend - and i feel bad about that too.

all in all - i'm just done.

maybe a pick me up!

so - you know what it's like to 'fantasize' about someone. for example - you might be bored at a meeting and see something that catches your eye - you wonder what he looks like naked or maybe what he might look like with one knee up on the bed and you in front of him (do you?) -

but it's another thing to dream about it.

i take my dreams very seriously.

like - in my dream if it goes down i think it's unforced and maybe my mind is telling me something. i like that.

dreaming lately has gotten pretty vivid - it might be a combo of a. being really relaxed b. medicine not fucking around c. horny.

who knows? all i know is i had a good one last night and well - i'm here to hoping i hop back into it tonight!

be happy

so! tonight was the first night i got to watch an episode of true blood and not have to stream it. but don't you know i fucking forgot to watch the trailor for next weeks episode!

what is wrong with me?

so - this week is really busy for me. i have a bunch of appointments and errands and it's all good. next weekend i have a wedding to go to and i'm pretty excited. although my date and are having "issues."

that happens.

i bought a new (to me) lacoste shirt and bag on ebay - sold a bunch of junk too.

as soon as i finish up a bunch of business i have here - i plan on going to see my dad.

anyone whos ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break it

DON'T ASK!

i betcha me and a bedazzler and these will be pretty sporty.

but seriously - i am in a bit of pain. but nothing nutso.

this morning a few friends picked me up for a meeting - and unbeknownst to them i really don't care if they see him - talk to him - or really him at all. but i entertained it for a few minutes - then i started to think about the badass belt i won i ebay last night.

this weekend i will be pretty much laid up and if i don't take care of my feets - then next weekend i can pretty much bet i won't be in those badass shoes i bought. SO. i am seriously taking it easy.

i got myself an invite to go camping with a friend for a week in august and i told him "i'd think about it" - i am not real keen on going away with anyone like that for the minute. my heart tells me to stay in bedford - the rest of me wants to get away.

we watched the second transformers and i can not even begin to tell you just how much i hated it. i guess it's not hard for anyone to imagine how that isn't my thing.

instead we played scrabble and i won.

we started off by trying to beat our own score but it lead to a fierce competition - my winning word (off a challenge) = cutup. i ruled.

but love is not a victory march

have you ever - for the pure sake that you didn't want to go into a period of "me" time with the stank of the last man you were with on your body.

you didn't want to think about that the last time you were loved on to be someone you truly don't want on your mind ever again - so you hook up with someone who knows that and is willing to help you erase that person from that said role.

no?

oh, me neither.

i could tell that you could tell that I was taking my time

so no wit.

my mom's gonna have an operation - (sh)it happens.

it's really weird to be the grown adult sober sane(ish) child of a woman who is really sick and the doctor talking to me.

doesn't he know? my mind and how i think and how i wanna try things in life and i wanna see stuff and go places and meet people and fall in love and break hearts and fall in love and have my heart broken and everything else.

and i pulled it off - i had clear eyes - and i looked cute again! :)

i tmd a bunch of girl friends on the way home from the hospital and the prayers are being said and did i mention - wow! - people care about me. see - when i'm clean i can maintain friendships and its totally give and take. i pay attention to what you need and you know when i need you.

that's how it works.

lighten it up, tara!

i feel like telling the world that i want a boyfriend. i made a promise to myself i wouldn't get involved with someone for a minute - and i don't like sex without promise - making out is good (remind me about my recent making out story). i don't want what i ever had - i know that. it's not like i want a replacement for somebody - i want that person that i never had - doing that thing no one ever did.

whew!

(i'm so predictable - can you tell i liked what i saw!?!)

'cos making love to you might drive me crazy

that's me!

there's my car!

that's my topical vampire tshirt!

today i went to see my new shrink - sall good - still crazy!

(just kidding!)

i am heading out to my second meeting of the day! where? goode!

heh!

me - in the country!

true story!

i'm done with true blood season one - it's all good. and staying with the theme i'm reading evermore.

my mom is sick. so i've been seeing a lot more of louie. but it makes me feel good. tonight i made the world's best salad. everything from our garden. i'm not that crunchy usually.

so after i was done with that i used some aerosol hairspray.

balance!

ps i am looking for a copy of spacecamp for zakkary. he wants to be that kid that pushes the button to launch him into outer space. (truth be told: i always wanted to be that kid too!)

g0000gl3 dat sh/t

okay - so tonight while discussing a little bit of politics (i'm the girl that watches the nightly (national) news and is pretty much aware of what's going on but just listens to what others think) anyway - about local government and someone referred to the people 'up on top of the hill' and you wanna know who makes 99% of MY laws- wanna know who we're talking about? - grab your freakin' seat ---- jerry falwell! swear to god.

and if that isn't enough when i give you directions to where i live i actually say - it's the turn right after the silo!

FUCKING SILO!

i have kept very few friends from my past. maybe two.

the other day i was talking to a friend i made recently and when asked if i learned anything from jail (and besides the obvious - duh, not to go back) - i had to tell her the answer that came to mind - i learned how to dance.

do not think you can't teach a white girl how to really dance. first of all - you gotta have a booty. how do you get a booty? you gotta work it. in those FIVE months i walked about 500 miles. no shitting you. i can move each buttcheek voluntarily.

then - you need to have someone dance you for and show you the movies in counts of whatever you like to count to (we'll leave it there) and then you gotta practice.

and i did.

today i'm pretty certain i can pop my ass.

today i looked really cute - baggy boyfriend jeans (that i owned before boyfriend jeans were hott) - a topical vampire shirt! - and my silver/white dc's!

hooooooo!

don't count sheep

ah.

so did the lion fall in love with the lamb again.

not yet.

this time - the church sign says - instead of counting sheep - talk to the shepard.

today i already feel accomplished - i got the wireless set up (again) - saw the foot doctor (yikes) and had breakfast! gotta love fiber in the morning.

i have been thinking A LOT about him lately - it's more dreams than anything else. i miss him sometimes there only - but i like to wake myself up - a lot too.

i finished reading the sookie stackhouse books - now i can watch true blood. call it a theme but i bought pdf versions of the black dagger brotherhood - and i'm quite excited.

i didn't mention it on here but thursday night a friend of mine passed on. however it happens losing someone is probably the most humble moment of someone's life - and you lose it as soon as you think you got it. so - i don't know how to explain except - i'll miss her.

it's raining like crazy here - the foot doctor was from that part of floriduh where accents don't exist (like jersey!) - he reminded me of something they say here - when you gotta plug in a lamp you'd say

"is it plugged up?"

wha?

this isn't butterflies anymore

Ah. So it’s Sunday. SUNDAY. Lemme recap.

Tuesday I had an appointment with a doctor to check out that oh-so-little-umbilical hernia that developed with Zakkary and got worse all the way through the twins. So - back to the doctor - my mom came along (driving is still a little issue) and was waiting in his office - and after we were gone 1.2 minutes he sits down next to her and he says “She’s having surgery tomorrow!” ME! I don’t know if getting less than 24 hour warning a good or bad thing but everyone was cheering me on.

So Wednesday comes and goes - my belly I think -- looks better - or I’m told it’s gonna. Either way I slept until Saturday pm. Until I started puking that is.

I puked and crapped from 10pm Saturday until 11am Sunday. The doctor called me in the anti-nausea pills and I feel better already.

Please never fail to forget my mom is the hospital with her own gut issue. It’s just about all this brain can take.

I just turned on the computer and the tv since Tuesday - I need to get so much done.

TOMORROW!

Foot doctor

Stomach doctor

Driving

Post Office

I did watch a little bit of 40 year-old Virgin - and thought about Sarah. I miss that girl so much.

Picture post returning tomorrow.

is he dead yet?

i'd rather talk to myself - than have to remember the boring conversations i had with them. those girls were the epitome of boredom and they were the essence of everything i never want to be. it was pretty funny though - because one time in the car one of them made a comment about how poor some people are - you know not being able to afford a lawyer and god forbid! using a union lawyer.

hee.

A UNION LAWYER - do they have those where she's from? GAHLEE!

today was a better day than most - i read a bunch and watched true blood. now that i finished the books i thought i could watch season one.

last night I watched Bully with a friend - we watched it online and that was awesome too (I couldn't rent it locally) - and ate an entire Edward's pie.

did someone say best summer ever? Heller.

...i've got my back against the record machine

these are another summer purchase. i was shopping with a friend on a trip to rva - i was in rva three days in a row.

1. business

2. kids

3. chilling

i have been really looking forward to going to this wedding coming up. i hung out with the bride today and we did some running around and then we hit a meeting. i know that i am stressed just seeing what she's going through and all clean.

i didn't go to a meeting today - but i hung out with my sponsor for a few hours last night. she said that she thought that HE wasn't right from the get-go. i wish i would've listened to suggestions. THINGS would be so different.

the game plan this time will include listening to suggestions, eating more sonic, listening to mix cd's from penpals and talking on skype as often as possible.

the man who could make you sure he was the one?

it was god day.

my kids were awesome and it was a perfect way to start the best part of my life.

just a note on how good they look - look at how skinny zakkary's face got - jericho may have his little issues - but looky his face! and brae was his sweet self and vinn looks just like my dad.

one day those kids are going to feel the way every boy in the south does - protective over their mommy.

if you saw the size of jericho's feet - you should start being nice to me! :)

it's a bald-faced lie.

so i had to see the other HIM on friday.

lemme just say that i don't really know what i ever saw in him. i had this picture when we went to play mini-golf (known as putt-putt down here) and he had this cute face in the picture - i don't know what happened to that guy.

but he is the most boring man i ever saw, met or talked to.

jackie and i were talking and it was probably just the sean thing that made us bond and then the ectopic - but i gotta move on and realize that the boys* wouldn't be here without him.

so - i guess he had a purpose in my life.

church was really really good today - i think i updated my personal ad:

orphan (inlaws are the worst) - catholic - taller than 6'2'' --

i can change the world with my own two hands

dear you:

tomorrow morning we'll be hanging out again. you'd be surprised how excited - but nervous i am. today i had a moment where i cried but not for me - and it wasn't anything that happened yet. it was the anticipation of you growing up and ANYBODY hurting you.

you don't even know how you are growing up in my heart and your compassion and sense of humor are the things i recognize from when you were a baby.

you were the first proof i ever had that god was real.

your brothers were the second, third and fourth reason i wanna do the next right thing.

love,

mommy

He who climbs upon the highest mountains laughs at all tragedies, real and imaginary.

dear you:

i have been thinking for sure. it's hard not to.

BUT.

i think that when i first met you i would think of you the exact same way today.

i really want the best for you. i pray that you're okay and i hope that you're better than that.

we had such fun together and since we aren't talking anymore - i think it's only logical that you know that even without an end - we certainly don't need one.

it's only a matter of time before we bump into each other (that's whata everyone tells me)- but i think i can hold off for a minute before i run into you.

even though we both would have to agree that we should've ended things back in august - 08 - the more we pushed it the worse it got.

maybe you learned what you needed - i hope i figure it out pretty soon.

love,

tara

tempting

today was another day where i got more done than i would've thought possible.

sarah called and i really miss her. it's funny that i could fall in love all over again - but with the friendship that only a girl could give.

her advice is bar none.

i hit a meeting in the am and pm. i am getting tired about hearing about him. i never really understood people's logic - so why start now.

i was talking to a friend online awhile ago - he was talking about how his life worked with his girl living far enough away that he cared but not close enough that it was too much.

i wonder how i go about that.

goody two-shoes!

So - that's the shoes I bought. I haven't been out like this in - I don't think I ever have been out like this.

Me and J went to his sister's wedding - and I was pregnant. And I certainly wasn't wearing anything cool - then well - it's been that long.

So today I got a lot done today. Moving is pretty much over - driving is set up - shopping is done - I got some stuff set up for Thursday.

Over all - today = successful.

It's pretty comical there was a 'sighting' of me and I had two phone calls to confirm that I'm back and well - back.

It's yes and yes.

If the weather is decent I'm heading to Dead Rock - smell me?

BTW - I'm reading some Sookie! Get on board.

dressed to the nines

i have a wedding to go to this month. i am a date - and not the invitee - but said date told me this dress was hott and the bride said it was appropriate. her dress is lavender !

there's no beating around the bush - i had a lot happen in the last five months.

ready - read fast.

me and b broke up. i went to rehab. i went to jail. i found a bit more of me. i reconnected with the best friend of my life . got a second third fourth chance to make things right. bought this dress and shoes.

that's it in a nutshell.

i saw a bunch of people that missed me. and truth be told - i really missed them too.

the rules are the same this time - let's see if i play by them - or at least if i play fair!

forever fickle

today was a really big day. of course the obvious is that i came back to bedford - the second most obvious is that it's probably the best move i've made in years.

i have a plan. it might not be the plan i had - let's say six months ago - but it's new and improved and doable and mine.

i haven't begun to think what the hell i am going to write about to summarize the past five months but i am going to write about it daily - that way i can keep a record of everything that's happened and gahlee - that's gonna happen.

i got a head start on the rest of the world.

i was up at 3:30 am.

tomorrow is wimbledon. it's my two favs ever.

life is good.

love,

tara

ps picture posts from now on.