i could tell that you could tell that I was taking my time

so no wit.

my mom's gonna have an operation - (sh)it happens.

it's really weird to be the grown adult sober sane(ish) child of a woman who is really sick and the doctor talking to me.

doesn't he know? my mind and how i think and how i wanna try things in life and i wanna see stuff and go places and meet people and fall in love and break hearts and fall in love and have my heart broken and everything else.

and i pulled it off - i had clear eyes - and i looked cute again! :)

i tmd a bunch of girl friends on the way home from the hospital and the prayers are being said and did i mention - wow! - people care about me. see - when i'm clean i can maintain friendships and its totally give and take. i pay attention to what you need and you know when i need you.

that's how it works.

lighten it up, tara!

i feel like telling the world that i want a boyfriend. i made a promise to myself i wouldn't get involved with someone for a minute - and i don't like sex without promise - making out is good (remind me about my recent making out story). i don't want what i ever had - i know that. it's not like i want a replacement for somebody - i want that person that i never had - doing that thing no one ever did.

whew!

(i'm so predictable - can you tell i liked what i saw!?!)

i can change the world with my own two hands

dear you:

tomorrow morning we'll be hanging out again. you'd be surprised how excited - but nervous i am. today i had a moment where i cried but not for me - and it wasn't anything that happened yet. it was the anticipation of you growing up and ANYBODY hurting you.

you don't even know how you are growing up in my heart and your compassion and sense of humor are the things i recognize from when you were a baby.

you were the first proof i ever had that god was real.

your brothers were the second, third and fourth reason i wanna do the next right thing.

love,

mommy