searching for signs of life

i'm in bedford for a day.
i'm working tonight - and i worked last night - and then i'll be back in my house by lunch. waiting - impatiently - eagerly for my boyfriend to come.
i need this.

so i streamed the hills and well - i don't wanna make a kristen cavallari similarities list but - i feel her man. i wish - or maybe i don't - that i could've had that last scene with the (major) dudes in my life: jlm, tm, jdg and bm. like this is it - right? i cried kinda - thinking that that scene was never gonna happen.
maybe with jlm (still love him) it was meant to be the bank robber getting taken off by swat - for tm maybe it was that last romp - jdg will forever be in my life but holding his hand even is leaving my memory - and bm will forever remind me that trying too many times is just that - tiresome.
but i can still have the ending - you know - the journey to find me right now. not the tara that hooks back up with her constants - but instead to not need a north star.
not to cry myself to sleep ever again.

omg - that was kinda emo. i wanted to write about this chick who i sometimes clean her house/walk her dogs - and well - i told her that i was sorry but on weeks i come to bedford to work it's just not gonna work out - and she tried to fucking tell me what's up with me. i quietly (note: not quickly) explained that right now my mental and physical (and in direct correlation - my spiritual) health came first and well - fuck her.
now i just everybody in the world to side with me and tell her to fuck herself.

so i was semi-right the other day - the doctor has prescribed me with new medicine. i didn't exactly know it was it was going to be until yesterday - he had to talk to a "team" - is that really necessary? i guess so because while adding one - i'll be dropping two (slowly) but come on - a team? if you were one of my lovers/bestfriends hostages - you know exactly why i assigned a team of psychiatrists - and don't pretend like you don't.