let's make some music

ocd - go away.

so my kids are coming tomorrow - thank fucking god - i need to see them.  they were at the beach with their dad - their rich other family - and tomorrow i get lunch, dinner and baths at my house and wanna know what i just did (note:  it's 3:56 pm on FRIDAY) - i just made lunch.  i mean everything.  even the bacon crumble for the already prepared homemade macaroni and cheese - i wanted to run the dishwasher and thought the best way to fill up the dishwasher was to prepare the entire meal - except for the keilbasa the table is set - even the triple fudge chocolate cupcakes.

help me the table is set.

tj thought that this might be a good weekend to get tattooed and i told him maybe - but my mom would be here (note: only for an afternoon) - i just need a little break from boys (aka men.)  i can't but think that tj might be right - that this is how it feels and i would know that if i wasn't so set on being alone for the rest of my life.  so i looked at it like i might've before love took all life outta my soul and before i was a jealous girl - before i felt that men were nothing but descendants of jason - and i saw that this man reeeeeeeealllllllly loves me.  so i did whata i know to be right and ended it with tj.

he didn't know it was coming (this time) and protested but finally agreed to disagree (this time) and sat on his hands.  i didn't do it with hopes to hear from jlm or to ever hear from bm again (post coming - including drugs drugs and twitter) but anyway - tj and i are currently on the blink.  

don't know if there is a future....

for us... that is.  but a future is a happening so smells the cupcakes and fritters for tomorrow's brunch.

one reminder i have (of many many many) is the artichoke and caper tomato sauce we made before leaving for the beach - so tonight i'm gonna fill my belly with pasta, homemade sauce and tossed salad and try to think if any guy is worth this shit.

worth wondering - (btw who the fuck are you in north carolina???) - but tomorrow will be filled with wonder, with awe and with thanking jesus (sweet baby and black) for the opportunity to be the mom that i was and am and will be.  oh - and jericho is definitely talking better and for that only the god of my misunderstanding is responsible.  

fuck yeah.

one more look and i forget everything

so.

that didn't end well.

tj and i had an argument that lasted most of the night... i left the beach - left him at his parents house and he's renting a car to come back here.  for practical reasons! he has stuff here and his flight leaves out of richmond - plus who wants to drive all the way back with your parents.
so he argued with the rental car company about a gas-guzzler of a h3 - saying he would not endorse a car that was made for war and too many of his friends died in a war for gas - so - i kinda had a lump in my heart and knew i made a terrible mistake.

hopefully i can apologize enough but i know in the bottom of my heart i'm still not sure.  but until i am - i gotta hold on to that feeling.
and this is hard - but i wrote jlm - i bought (rented?) a po box (2964) here in chesterfield (va) - and wrote and told him that ten years toooooooo thhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeee ddddddaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy that i last saw him he was on my mind and he was in my soul and in my skin.  
and every single cell of this primitive woman - but my soul - is just a girl waiting for her prince charming!

please show yourself.

getting ready for one prince to arrive - one that's obviously in california - one that has stayed away too long and one that can't put me before one pill - and four that are soaking up the rays and being nuts..... all of them just outta reach.
i need meds.

i don't know what you've done to me

i got up pretty early - i thought the stupid moon on the water was the sun.i nudged the boy and after - got up to pee - and looked at my watch.
duh.

yesterday we went fishing - i caught a cocksucking grouper and it was bomb. 12 pounds of fish and i was a happy camper.  tj will swear it was his fish but whatevs - we were pretty stoked.  of course - i got sick.
dramamine (check) - motion-sickness wristbands (check) - prescription strength ear-patches (check) -- puking for about four hours was not a big surprise.  i got through about four hours but i guess all that medicine was wearing off and my stomach was not happy.
after they cleaned the fish and i had time to clean up and eat something and i felt much better.


it hasn't been smooth sailings even on shore - me and tj have had a few of those moments that bt (before-therapy) would've been me doing anything to get outta there - including walking home.  but we talked it out and things got better... i tend to think that if i say i don't wanna get serious then maybe that would be enough and tj would somehow put up a wall that didn't include me.  but i guess he's just taking it day by day - if i did that then i wouldn't need to drag my heels instead i'd just enjoy this too.
but that's a little difficult when he says shit like wanting to be around me a lot more - i said how much more - and he was like i'd like to maybe get something semi-perm in rva... he used the word dual-citizenship *ky and va* - i was pissed! i said don't you read my cocksucking blog? i don't want a boyfriend. and he said too late tara - i am your boyfriend. 
and he is.


fuck?

searching for signs of life

i'm in bedford for a day.
i'm working tonight - and i worked last night - and then i'll be back in my house by lunch. waiting - impatiently - eagerly for my boyfriend to come.
i need this.

so i streamed the hills and well - i don't wanna make a kristen cavallari similarities list but - i feel her man. i wish - or maybe i don't - that i could've had that last scene with the (major) dudes in my life: jlm, tm, jdg and bm. like this is it - right? i cried kinda - thinking that that scene was never gonna happen.
maybe with jlm (still love him) it was meant to be the bank robber getting taken off by swat - for tm maybe it was that last romp - jdg will forever be in my life but holding his hand even is leaving my memory - and bm will forever remind me that trying too many times is just that - tiresome.
but i can still have the ending - you know - the journey to find me right now. not the tara that hooks back up with her constants - but instead to not need a north star.
not to cry myself to sleep ever again.

omg - that was kinda emo. i wanted to write about this chick who i sometimes clean her house/walk her dogs - and well - i told her that i was sorry but on weeks i come to bedford to work it's just not gonna work out - and she tried to fucking tell me what's up with me. i quietly (note: not quickly) explained that right now my mental and physical (and in direct correlation - my spiritual) health came first and well - fuck her.
now i just everybody in the world to side with me and tell her to fuck herself.

so i was semi-right the other day - the doctor has prescribed me with new medicine. i didn't exactly know it was it was going to be until yesterday - he had to talk to a "team" - is that really necessary? i guess so because while adding one - i'll be dropping two (slowly) but come on - a team? if you were one of my lovers/bestfriends hostages - you know exactly why i assigned a team of psychiatrists - and don't pretend like you don't.

but she sure likes the bone

i knew living on this side of the river i'd have more latin in my life - and it's here. nah - not all the mexicans (but there a plenty) - tj sent me a beginners latin cd. i expressed that i wanted a few weeks ago - and when i was expressing how bored i was on the phone he threw it in the mail. that's the exact shit i miss when i don't have a boyfriend - someone who actually listens to me and isn't just trying to get his dick sucked.

yeah - i'm talking about bm.

dear bruce,
please stop looking at this blog - it has nothing to do with you anymore - i am no longer interested in you or your cock or your pills or anything else. btw - you sealed the deal the last time i saw you and you didn't respond - so no matter what i write on here i still have ill feelings towards you.
always will.
love,
ew - whatever -
tara

when i get fucked by tj (i swore i wouldn't go into details) but he fucks me so good from behind i think sometimes that's the only way his cock is gonna fit. sometimes you have wiggle room - but when he grinds it inside - it's like i'm being stuffed with the best stuff out there. if only i had some of that right now......

cough cough - anyway!

how do i segway to my visit....

the kids came yesterday - it was an awesome visit (so said vinnie) - they checked out their rooms - and the random toys i have stocked up on so far. we ate (i got to cook cook - grilled cheese, homemade mac n'cheese, jello, pudding and kielbasa) and we watched movies and tv - and when john and freddy were here fixing the stoop the kids teased me the whole time that they were going to open the door. those rascals.

tonight i'm gonna head to a meeting - and watch true blood again. i woke up this morning and streamed it but i wanna see that sexy jason stackhouse again and again. his real life kiwi accent does no damage in my eyes - and if that kinda cop ever pulled me over - he best pull it out cause i'm getting out of that ticket. f'shizzle.

i think they look alike. still.

my best friend in america.

i mean that.

my stoop.

if he knows what is good for him he best go run and hide

they're gone.
he's not coming until next friday - i'm lonely.

my folks left around 10am - i hate saying goodbye to my dad - his age and health make everytime feel like the last time. but just-for-today i can that i have been completely honest with my dad about everything - big and little.
and he still loves and likes me.
i told him the biggest secret in jersey and he was okay about it - fuck - he knew already who was i trying to kid? but him hearing it out of my mouth made things okay for him and well - for me.

i went shopping for a few things and some groceries - that was weird. i haven't really had to fend for myself in - wow - ever. i mean i went from my dad's in 1999 to jdg in 2000 - to jail in 07 - bruce's in 08 - rehab then jail and then my mom's in 2009 - and now it's just me.
sure i'll be cooking for the kids - like tomorrow - but most of the time it'll just be me.
i'm making tj chicken paprikash next weekend and probably stuff peppers/cabbage - i plan on making the peppers/cabbage ahead of time and the paprikash the day he comes. i miss some of the ethnic food that my dad is famous for.

then i went to a meeting and it was pretty good - and soon i'm gonna watch predators while i write on some stuff sharon wants me to. tomorrow the kids are coming for a pretty long visit - i can't help that john-the-handyman is going to be here working with some dudes.
i might go to bed early - i have been having dreams about chase from house - his upper lip is as kissable as my bottom lip.

yum.

when you came in the air went out

paying attention has never been a problem for me - even when i go to 90minute meetings i am fine. sure i am getting cold - addicts love the a/c - but i'm not a fidgety person whatsoever.

last night my mom took all of us (me, my dad, jdg, zrg, bdg, jrg, vsg) out for golden corral. since ihop went so well the other night we figured they might behave long enough to do the buffet lines with kids and without for our own plates (and then again and again and again if you were taking zakkary) - and believe it or not they were fucking awesome.
they are the best behaved kids (all of them) that i ever saw in restaurants.
sure you have to encourage vinnie a little bit to eat - but besides that they ate vegetables and some ok stuff - not just pizza or french fries.
zakkary on the other hand took advantage - his first plate was mac-n-cheese and ribs (lotsa ribs) - second plate he had chicken and pizza and spaghetti and then last (before dessert) he had a steak mostly medium.
i don't think he's fat whatsoever - but that kid is big and boy does he like to cuddle - this morning he used the word mandate on the phone.
huh?

today is fine tuning - yup they're still here - we need to change the locks, fix the attic ladder, fix zrg's desk leg, spray the home defense for ants (i saw two the size of quarters) and a bunch of other shit like hanging stuff... and then tomorrow they both go home.
i am more than grateful to have them here - i never could've gotten all this done - but here's the truth in the matter. i have not gotten off since saturday - that is one week today. i can probably rub one out in like ten seconds but right now i'm too lazy (i like the hitachi too much).
if someone wants to come by i live in chesterfield.
comment for the addy!

leave me out with the waste

so.
the crape myrtle came yesterday - and my dad was like so who was going to plant it... i said my bf.
i don't even think i'm ready for a boyfriend so you know they don't.
regardless i told them i am leaning from serious but that doesn't help - then they just think i'm a slut.
fail.
but the truth of the matter is i do love tj - i mean it doesn't take much to admit that or even feel it - he's probably the most awesome giving dude that i have dated (or maybe he's just like the rest of you and he is awesome and giving but now i can see it cause i'm not as self-centered) - anyway - i don't want to put a limit on what we do or what happens i'm just saying that there's no expectations there - just living in the moment.

proof of that internet speed - i'm saying once my folks leave (saturday or tomorrow) i am planning on doing some serious streaming - but - that'll happen.
today i'm going to a new shrink - i think i may have one more little condition and it's kinda serious - so i am gonna see what someone professional thinks. self-diagnosis only works most of the time.

the biggest regret in all this is that bookshelf situation - when i told jdg the details he didn't get it - didn't understand that his meticulous details were a reminder that i wasn't there in any way. talking to tj about it i finally got to cry - and then i apologized for doing that to him and he said that he is here for me to get through that stuff.
i miss him - i wanna lay down and watch tv and get silly and laugh in the morning and all that.
i am afraid to admit i need that.

i picked you up

so i have my own internet - 25.2 mb/s - super internet.
my parents are still here - you know what that means - no boyfriend tomorrow.
it's all good - it'll just happen next weekend.

so my dad was talking about fender washers - toggle bolts - blah blah blah - i'm confused about lots of things but it's getting done.
my parents got together and wrote out my trust - it's pretty generous - actually. i get a certain amount every month and then once ever five years i get another amount for a car. i get sensitive that don't put michael on the payment plan - but michael never got in as much trouble as i have. i suppose i should be grateful they're thinking about it long term.

when we were setting my room up there's PLENTY of room for another dresser - ie husband - and i had to tell them that at this time in my life i can't see any long term dudes entering my life. i know that guys aren't all assholes but when you get down to it - i'm a little too crazy (sensitive) for any guy right now and it'll just be heartache and misery if another dude breaks my soul.
and for that matter any dude that wants to be with me - has got to be crazier than me and i don't want that.

tonight i'm doing a kids' visit sans parents - tomorrow a kid visit avec parents - my dad isn't feeling too hot so he's staying at the house tonight.
tomorrow we got toysrus and dinner!

and this isn't meant to be disrespectful but i've been to two meetings so far (last night and this afternoon) and i did not know that black folks could be so articulate... i'm serious... i didn't expect jibber-jabber or jive... but in a way i did!

threw away all those crazy dreams

so i couldn't sleep - again.
today i know it's anxiety about the move - i'm pretty sure my stomach will be in knots the next week or so.
my goal - is to have everything put away by the time i come back to bedford on the 16th - no work or anything - but kirby, dinner with my peeps and sharon is sharing her story for her cleantime keytag.

i had a dream (for the 1.5 hours i was asleep) that i was complaining so much about the heat that we got a cool day - like 42 degrees! and we were all in winter stuff - it was pretty funny. that must stem from me only finding one of my winter boxes. :(
so i had the last minute stuff to get together - makeup, hair gel, medicine and the hitachi. i can ask my mom to bring everything but my vibrator - fuck.
and i needed all those things up to and including this morning.

my twilight saga: eclipse post is coming but it's hard to write - i keep crying thinking about how many times i fell in love with the guy who i wasn't supposed to be with and rejecting what society wanted from me - and to know that jlm is having people to send me emails and i wanna give in and write him but i know that road and i need to remember what happens to me when i fuck with him... same with bm.... i can't fuck with him either.
it doesn't help on sunday nights when hoyt looks just like jlm did - not in that awful courtroom sketch four years ago but when he was healthy and not incarcerated for ten years straight. i miss that guy.

fyi - he wasn't convicted of those rapes.

they don't about me and you

so - the two nurseries near my house did not have any crape myrtle trees that i fell in love with - so i was going to get one from this place online.
and i was telling tj about it and he offered for that to be a house warming gift - and he'd plant it. i told him i have to think about it.
that's a commitment - i don't want to have anything there that is gonna remind too much of any ex. sure some of the furniture from jason's is part of my old life - but i mean i had to take something in the divorce (even though i tell jdg in every email that i hate this with a passion).
is the tree too much?
i mean what if he breaks my heart or pulls a bm or a tm or whatever - i don't want to cut down a tree with an axe or something.

one more day of work then two weeks off - fuck yes.
last night i was like a zombie watching the lbj news conference from work.
i gotta tell you - sometimes with my anxiety, insomnia, ocd, agoraphobia - i get so into things and fail to realize life exists outside of whatever i'm 'sessing about -- that it is no wonder that zrg and i have some variation of the same conversation every single day (ten times a day).
my mom knows that whenever i am sad (and she recently told my bro this) she can sing one line to a song and i cheer right up - in a low tenor voice she sings... "i have a structured settlement and i need cash now - call jg wentworth" - and i can't help but laugh and smile.
zakkary needs the same thing - except he likes to talk about dead presidents - did you know taft died on brae's bday in 1930 - fuck yeah he did.

so yeah the move - tomorrow - TOMORROW!
i need a break though - honest to god - and then and then - last night my dad and i were talking and he's the one bringing most of everything. the kitchen table/chairs i bought - all the beds - the new 50'' tv i got (and stand - i thought about mounting it on the wall but i have dvd, VCR!, cable box, wii - to go underneath so yeah), the washer/dryer - anyway he can't park on my street it's too small - and i told him that walmart is still super friendly when it comes to that and he said "BUT FOR A WEEK?" ------ wtf? ----- nooooooo! i need tj to come man on thursday and although he would/could/might come while my dad is there still i don't quite know if i want that either.
do you see now what i mean by stress?
STRESS!

but i keep her running back and forth like a soccer team

so my mom brought me back a few things from texas/jersey including a jersey girl shirt that i wanna wear today but alas i am working and won't bother.

so - cristiano ronaldo is a michael jackson dad. i don't wanna hear he's gay - cause that would be unfair of god - but my god he's a strange dude. and of course he waited till worldcup was over because that shit would get to him on the field for sure - i don't know why he didn't keep that quiet for the rest of his life.
and so fucking what he paints his toenails and waxes his body - it would be a catastrophe worse than the oil thing if this dude was gay. nah.
but i insist and will deny he has gay anything about him until i see him in bed with a dude - preferably fernando torres.
i mean that's who i would turn gay for if i were a dude.

so i lost my mind a little bit yesterday - first my brother sent my mom home with this cute camera for me and i go to open it and the piece-of-shit has a lens error and won't open or close - then i get dressed up to read at church (i even felt way prepared and had no hard words) and adoration, benediction and mass were all canceled due to the a/c being broken and then because the meeting is at that church the meeting was canceled - i needed something to go right and nothing did.
needless to say i was not feeling it.

i'm working the second shift today and tomorrow - um hello - i really need money now. and then saturday and sunday it's moving day - everything but the mattress will show up saturday. i am so nervous i have movers, laborers, trucks, handymen all showing up at different times saturday. the worst part - is that the games are both this weekend - but i'll stream them from the neighbor if necessary.
i might follow soccer even after the world cup - with fios i get 400 fucking channels - somethings gotta be on. i remember watching soccer on sunday mornings with tm everytime he came to nj - jesus we even watched in my marriage bed.

when's mass?

i hide before you like a child

so the fireworks on sunday were pretty awesome - the fireworks themselves were okay compared to how we did that night.

we (jdg, me, zrg, bdg) went to some stadium where shuttle buses took us to the fireworks in richmond and we brought a picnic and a blanket - we got a decent spot - and we chilled for about two hours before the fireworks.
i know it's not fair to anyone (meaning dudes i date) but times with my kids (even if they are with my ex-husband - or this time because of my ex-husband) will never compare to dates.

i feel like i am at the receiving end of god's good graces and i want to give thanks whenever i can. i mean - seriously - july 4th of last year i was still in jail (albeit only for four hours) but one year later and i have the trust of so many and just for today - that's pretty cool.

talking to a friend we were talking about sex - we were talking about the benefits of being older now and whatnot. i didn't google it so much but i know why women reach their prime in their thirties - for me it's because by this time hopefully you've had a lot of sex - i don't think you should be a slut or whatever (but that helps). same thing with dudes - i DO NOT think that any dude is a better lay at eighteen then he probably would be at thirty-five. sure at thirty-five he might not get an instant boner after y'all fuck - but he knows what the fuck to do.
but as a chick - if you're not getting off or whatever - you know what the fuck to do to get off and you do it. whether it be to tell him to do something or to fuck him yourself.. and when it's done and you are still without you can always go in the bathroom and help yourself - not only do we fuck ourselves best (and it's okay to say that) but this pisses dude off completely.
next.

simple - you need to fuck to know how to fuck. that's why fucking in your thirties (i mean i don't know toooo much aboout this - in my thirties i had a brief time with tm, jdg, bm and now tjj) - is probably gonna be some of the best getting times of my life.

bring it on. i went to rva today too - i got a rustic waterwheel in this antique shop - got zrg's room painted - then the handyman suggested we polyurethane the floor and i agreed so we moved everything i already arranged back in the kitchen. i gave him a key and he's gonna do it tomorrow.
after that i went for a visit with the kids - but not before i streamed the game off my neighbors sick connection. what can i say - that was the exact outcome i was hoping for (tomorrow!! germany!!) - but i went to the house where jdg still hadn't packed any of my stuff up - he's pretty laid back about this whole 'division of property' thing that's happening - about the good linens i want back he said you can get those whenever - (meaning i think we're gonna be okay) - i did give him a few things i wanted off the mantle to put in the box (my box) and when i handed them to him i had the biggest touch of sadness and i said this is depressing.
he said i know.

i hired a contractor for the big work on some joist/sill deal - so that starts monday - of course the weather if fucking up the move date and all things must be in the house by tuesday for the fios guy to come.... and then all people must be out of the house by thursday for my boyfriend to come.

and i came here to talk

so after soccer today i'm headed to walmart and target - i have to get a few things and whatnot - plus i am craving a bigmac.

i swear to god - since the invention of the dollar menu i haven't eaten a bigmac or really anything else at mcdonald's - even when someone else is paying. speaking of - even when i go out to eat (not fastfood) and i'm on a date or whatever - i never order anything at "the bottom of the menu" - you know what i mean. i always order a vegetable dish or chicken dish - i am a cheap date. EVEN the time i went to the most expensive french restaurant with jdg's parents/grandparents a few weeks before we split up i didn't get something fabulous - i just feel obligated to buy/order cheap.

i don't know why.

tomorrow me and jdg are taking the older two (the twins if they nap) to fireworks downtown rva. i know right?
so we are even driving together.

the best part of moving this slow is i'm not losing my mind - a couple of carloads and todays stuff at target and whatnot makes it easy to unpack and throw boxes and newspaper away as i go - when the big stuff comes in (furniture) - it will be over.

i don't know if anybody who reads this knows how big this really is - not just the distance or even the space - but how i am and i was. it's not like i'm cemented here in bedford - it's just like jersey - i'll find shit to do. but keeping a few of my bedford commitments (a few shifts, church, kirby, sharon) it will make it easy to not go "what now?" - sure i'm gonna get a life out there eventually but for now i still need the gps to get out of my neighborhood - seriously.

so with what happened to my camera (!!!) my brother just called and said he'd hook me up with a new one and send it home with my mom next week. and for those of you in the know - know that - that is another gift (not the camera! but the fact me and michael are "me and michael" again) and not just the cosmos sneaking in. having a relationship with my mom, dad and brother all at the same time is only because i'm doing the right thing (jft) and they know it too.

i got my certified mail today with my will in it - a copy is filed with my lawyer too. weird.

and after all the things we've been through

so - i worked all night.
blah.
i hate that shit but i guess two overnights a month isn't terrible - i plan on keeping that shift when i move - it'll give me a few bucks and it provides the perfect atmosphere where i don't have to talk to anybody. the few people that are there i know - so the anxiety of that shit is pretty close to gone too.

at work i still have that barricuda filter - even on my itouch - i hate those people but anyway that means i need an app that isn't online. so that little worldcup doodad i picked up just for itouch/ipad/phone works... so i read all the news stories.
two days ago there was a news story about c."ronaldo gutted" - and in it he asks for a moment to be alone and that he was torn up about this loss... he's quoted using the word disconsolate - do you think he used it in english or in portuguese - cause that's a pretty good word if i say so.

i know portuguese is nothing like mexican - but i hired a couple of mexican dudes to unload my furniture that weekend - it just makes sense. i'm skinny - but strong... my mom and louie are old - my dad is death warmed over and tj has a class that whole weekend (fucking horse bones or some shit) - so i asked john-the-real-estate-agent if he knew anybody who anybody that could do it for me.... and he suggested this spanish dude and voila! or vamos really!!
goal!!!

so we have this local paper and the lead story - this is incredible - was on june 1st (of this fucking year) the d-day memorial (here in bedford because bedford lost the most men on dday - more than any other town in the us) displayed its newest bust: stalin.
in 2010 the d-day memorial which stalin obvious helped start ww2 with the teaming up with hitler on poland - extending the korean war and all sorts of bad shit - got a bust of him at the d-day memorial. that's like putting up a hitler bust for fuck's sake.
of course NOW there's all this hoopla about taking it down - where were all these fucks when they were paying for it and approving it?
fucking bedford man.

but it's that time a year - there are three months of the year when it's okay (actually important to buy white break - yknow the bad stuff). and there is nothing like a tomato sandwich - with tomato sliced so thin, salt and duke's mayonaise and you are in fucking heaven. i ate three today and i feel like i am finally in the summer that the weather has tried to lure me in on for the past three weeks.
viva la bedford!

then we told each other with no trace of fear

"my face is your personal slip-n-slide"

that's a quote from this funny james deen video that i saw on the internerd - gahlee - i am addicted to porn still.
one thing about being clean (jft) is that it's so easy to come when i watch porn - there's this sexandsubmission scene with pete and cherry ferretti that just blows my mind in the the third set up and that's all it takes it.
anyway - i was up really early this morning and i have a confession.

so me and tj were watching streamed porn and we *i* saw something that i thought was just an urban myth - a full on donkey punch. this chick was totally bonked on the back of the head just before the dude was about to finish in her booty - supposedly it makes her tooty get tighter! can you imagine - anyway - it's awkward to watch porn with someone you got with just once or twice .... i imagine it will be easier as this happens.

this is weird to write about but when you're my age - you really don't need the mr. right you did in your twenties - i had the husband, the kids and the house (the affair) - but now i wanna be with someone that makes me happy. that doesn't mean i want one-night-stands or nsa but i definitely need to know that we're having fun and game will be no more.

with that being said - we set aside a few days in august to hit up carolina beach and even a day fishing on cape fear.
THAT'S what i'm talking about - a dude that wants to go fishing and watch soccer and snuggle and scrabble - he's starting to like soccer but he forwarded me this quote about soccer/twilight -

"twilight is like soccer; they run around for 2 hrs, nobody scores, and a billion fans insist you just don't understand."

i think he sent that since i am a team jacob girl and i'm obviously watching wc.

for the months of july, august and september i am devoting two rosaries a day to the women in my life that have pushed me up and out into the world - giving me this foundation to trust that i'm going to be okay in richmond.

i'm going to be okay in richmond.

the rest of the day is gonna be spent seriously slacking off - i need a few hours to get some paperwork done - in all this responsibility i actually let my registration go.