what's saved could be one last lifetime

so basically when i have nothing to say - i don't talk anymore.

it's made up if i do.

i am totally just not feeling it lately - i have been honest-to-goodness down in the dumps and i don't know why.

after i went for a walk last night and had a bite to eat i went out with a friend from richmond. sometimes i think that people make me more uncomfortable because of what they expect me to say. hanging out with nick is never like that - instead we can be quiet and just listen to nature or traffic.

i didn't get home until after three - and that was okay too.

this time.

i had car troubles on monday but today - is well - a new day.

for some reason *hp's will* my car troubles started in the dock of getting my oil changed - sure it took a tow truck and a local garage to fix 'er up - but i think/thank hp that the problem didn't happen on the way to richmond - or with the kids - or it was any worse.

finding gratitude when life is going GOOD is easy - finding it when things are shitty is definitely not as easy.

but it's one of those musts that i need to practice.

i really have no desire to get high/drink anymore. in the rooms i would say - 'just for today - i my hp has removed the desire to use' - because it really is only a daily reprieve. but every morning before i get outta bed - i usually hit my knees and ask for that, ask for the ability not to react, and recently those prayers include me asking for the power to not let a man in my life/control it. all of those things will always be with me - but if god can help me through today - i will a. thank him tonight before i go to bed and b. try the whole thing over again tomorrow. that's what some of this shit gives me - and if that's all i ever get out of going to those meetings then that's really plenty.

speaking of daily reprieves i think i'm going to stay with the shopping thing after lent. i was semi-disgusted with myself when i started to switch out the summer clothes. so i'm going to try and sell a few things at plato's closet today in richmond - i am embarrassed to admit that i hung up over one-hundred shirts for this summer.

i mean nobody needs shirts like that - except well - when you do.

the only reason i'm not getting the local mani-pedi deal for twenty-five bucks yet is because it's still gonna be in the thirties next week and well - that still may constitute as shopping. i'm not sure.

if someone wants to buy me that mani-pedi i might do it - or i might wait still.

or i might just ask hp to guide me through this one too.