chrome wheeled, fuel injected and steppin out over the line

so - hopefully bv will sign on soon so i can figure out this proxy shit.

the only way i can get to any screen online right now is if i loaded the window at home - i'm serious if i close any windows or refresh i'm fucked.

you know how people have things that they collect - like figurines or my boss collects all things frogs - i didn't think i had one. but i actually have two.

1. would be my love of horseshoes. besides my baby horseshoe tattoo - i have a necklace, cakepan, horseshoe for over my door, diamond ring and keychain. but that's my thing now.

2. human hearts. although i only have one thing human heart related i hope to have much more one day. etsy has a world of things heart related and i always found the heart to be rather cool - so i am hoping that i can become a collector of heart things stat (get it - STAT!)

i'm semi-disappointed. i have been reading a bit about the voices that i hear at night. and it could very well be just a transitional time before deep sleep. one page said i was sleeping already - and i just didn't know it? and here i thought it was someone contacting me from the cosmos.

i'm still not totally convinced that it's not. i don't think it's possible to have those kinds of thoughts unless someone put them there.

so - the other day zrg asked me if i was christian like he was. i'm pretty sure his uncle told him he wasn't jewish - and technically he isn't. then why did my kids not call me back last night because they were at the seder. huh? it makes me want to skip the hiking/camping trip just so i can show up and celebrate some easter with them. although bdg will prolly say something about parsley on his seder plate (i threw away some green tissue paper from the playroom saturday and brae lost it - saying 'that was my parsley from my seder plate').

i wanted to shake him and tell him he came outta my womb therefore making him MINE - gawd people.

how the fuck can parsley be fun?

and nothing for nothing but the kid loves kiebalsa and ham. yeah.

you'd put an arrow through my heart

the best part of waking up ....

is realizing it was all a dream and you're not really bald or dating a cop.

that is the kinda night it was - ALL night. but now it's morning and i don't need to settle for that goon (who was at least seven feet tall and had swinging monkey arms).

before i went to sleep i had the most awesome conversation with jlp ever - well maybe not ever - but we needed it. grant it the topic wasn't awesome but it was exactly what we needed when we needed it.

yesterday was palm sunday - i guess it's like the catcher in the rye when you're growing up - but it always freaks me out that the romans were gonna let jesus go and his own people sold him out. i mean grant it - you can't go around saying you're the son of god but you never know.

recently i told my sponsor that someone is visiting me in my dreams. now my mom - freaked out. said that hearing voices is on the scary side of mental disease - my sponsor told me she believes it's spiritual and that the universe is too connected to not believe.

my mom = the jews (hung me out to dry!).

so a friend gave me a sex&submission subscription for my birthday. three months is up on the ninth and i'm super sad. i got a mess load of porn but there's still two weeks to get maybe all the derrick pierce stuff - i dunno. i can't totally get behind steve holmes although his age plays a big part of me "liking" him - i doubt if i ever get kidnapped and was a "willing slave" would it be at the hands of someone totally hot like pete. it would totally be a scary romanian dude - who would probably not only have enough smegma to choke on - but would sell my kidneys when he's done with me.

it took the death of hope to let you go

so i crochet and shit - but unless you're all crafty do you see the dark side in the category of:

hobbies & recreation.

there's this whole other side of the world to hooking - it's the japanese world. about 1/6th of all the patterns on ravelry are written in japanese - it's very frustrating.

and then today i saw the creepiest thing i have ever seen - it was a preemie burial gown. who would be thinking of such a thing at such a time - and who would make one in advance. i don't know if i'm alone here but gross (i can't even bring myself to link it).

i'm going to a bookstudy with a few chicks in na tonight - the difference from this bookstudy and all the others (mind you same people, same place, same book) is i'm wearing my pajamas. i say fuck it - i can't be bothered with getting dressed. not on a dreary sunday like today - so i will be lounging in the most comfortable of clothing.

lounge clothes.

so i got the camera and will put some pictures from yesterday - but i forgot to scan this picture zrg made me. it's not one of his best as far as quality (cause this kid can draw) but content is killer. it's of jericho standing on dead vin ( x's in his eyes ) and jdg standing in the corner yelling,

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"

and that's exactly what i think jdg would say. or prolly has said.

(picture coming)

one thing that zrg said yesterday that was one of the "zakkary-isms" that i adore - he said "mom, if i were to draw me right now - i'd have hearts in my eyes" and kissed me (on the cheek - lip kisses are for babies).

for now.

from wednesday.

jitters eat cake just like me.

yesterday.

he says "baby there are things we all cling to all our life"

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if i fall if i die i know i lived and missed some bullets

zzzzzzzzz.

i'm so sleepy.

the last couple of days nearly killed me.

so - looking to the next week or so will definitely kill me more.

the hiking trip for the 30th - nixed. i gotta work. and i'm not gonna complain - it's only right that i work when i can and shit - and hiking can happen whenever.

speaking of working - i'm gonna work at work on friday (second shift) and then i'm going to dogsit at the chicks house where i used to (overnight) and then make my way back home to shower and go to rva.

so yeah - the fun just does not stop!

rva was actually really fun yesterday. we had a blast. the boys were so good and i got some quality time with all four really - especially zrg. i don't want to put zrg's business on front street really - but the reality is he will need some more quality time and that's okay too. me and that kid played 'the game of LIFE' and he wound up with three babies (darth vader, george and stringcheese sally) - i had none. i was happy about this and when he wasn't looking i ditched my husband for a female companion (NSA!).

anyway - i got about three minutes into remember me with edward cullen and i don't know. i mean i'm not soooooo team jacob that i wouldn't let edward cullen rip my pussy apart. but he's just losing mass appeal.

but i did watch half of horrorfest4 and i dunno - it might be me but b-horrorflicks sometimes are too much even for me to handle.

watching the other four may be five hours waster (get it? cause those movies are usually really only seventy minutes long!!!)

so - instead! it'll be GTL - oops - GLM - gym, laundry and a meeting. since i'm not a sunbather i'll substitute some recovery for tanning.

one more look and i forget everything

how odd.

so yesterday am - i was sick with the cold stuff - and i heard the strangest bleep.

it was bm.

on skype.

it only took about one hour and fifteen minutes but the man broke me down and got me to his house only ninety minutes later (and that was including a meeting).

i just might be a slave to my pussy. it's like i have these intentions and it takes nothing to break them down and i'm on my knees before we even get to the kitchen.

speaking of:

i don't know if it's all the porn i watch - or what - but the technique of me on my knees (duh, not praying for once) has generally improved. but it was like i said - in the house and i wanted it so i dropped to my knees and pulled it out.

we finally wound up in the bedroom where i remembered why i loved that bed so much - it wasn't because of any egyptian cotton sheets or anything - it's that rocking that occurs when that boy gives me exactly what i need and want.

and obviously can't live without.

then i got home and got ready to go to the roanoke performing arts center to see the traveling broadway production of mamma mia. i am a firm believer of having a broad spectrum of culture anyways.

gahlee - it was really good. i had never seen the movie - musical movies just aren't my thing but this shit was decent. of course the play has this awkward part of semi-singing and dancing in the audience as well - and bleck!

but i can attest that the rest of the theatre looked like they enjoyed it.

i am getting ready for richmond and junk - it's more cupcakes and presents for the twins. and possibly a new backpack for me - i can't do richmond next wednesday because i'm reading at church - and then holy week of obligation starts and i'm at church until sunday - where i will be sitting with my easter basket and praising god for second chances and surrender.

and I bet when you exploded into my heart

so yah!

after the day of hiking and 'whatnot' i went to church and a meeting - came straight home and pretty much crashed. i was a. pooped and b. fixin* to get up at 5:35 to get ready for rva and the zoo (later work).

i had agreed to let my friends' dogs out thursday night - once after the meeting friday - before rva - after rva (but before work) and finally this morning. that turned out to be okay except the dog with hip dysplasia (shepherd) ran away and i had a flat - so just let's agree that this morning was more chaotic than i thought it would be.

BUT!

i survived that -the lady at bp lent me a dollar in quarters (all i carry is plastic) and i did up my tire - went home showered - pedicured (francais) - went back to bp to pay off my debt and now i'm fixin* to watch another horror flick (prolly dread.)

i bought a french manicure kit awhile ago - and it had these stickers to paint near to get the "line" of white - well - they did not work. and the way those korean girls do it with the brush i would need five hands - so i bought this pen to paint the line and it fucking worked like crazy. i still had the blush color and top coat from the set - so my toes need warm weather.

now.

i brought my camera to work last night and a coworker thought jdg was my fifth child - i took a pic of him and the boys (to be emailed later.) grant it - he had on some kinda hat (yknow! without the brim folded) and a tshirt (tm!). he looked like a seventh grader (heh - he teaches seventh grade!) but anyway - i was like that's my ex-husband**.

i got two days of work lined up next week - so i can make some monaay. although i found an insane shop to get some hiking stuff if i decide to make this a thing. or not.

at the zoo i was doing kids - making sure nobody stole them or whatever - i don't think i can even honest-to-god say zoo without the smell engulfing my entire nasal passages. i'm really serious.

that what all that means is jdg got the mother shot of the white tiger fucking the submissive regular color tiger just till his dick got wet and then walked away. i was sad for that chick tiger - she deserves better.

anyway!!!

big turtles.

like i said.

her babies!

my babies!

trick candles for jitters.

vin's was awe-some.

jitters!

feeding the animals!

pudgies!

squuuushed!

still now sure what this was.

from wednesday.

more midweek loving.

*i really do talk like that.

**still weird.

i only wish the good times would last a little longer

a couple words.

fuck. awesome.

so - we were pretty early on the mountain. my pocketwatch-thing read thirty-seven degrees at eight and i guess that was it.

i had about twenty-five pounds of junk in my pack - but three ounces of a camera i forgot in the car (best believe i heard about this only for two minutes - nick didn't ride me about it - instead we took mental pictures and laughed all day except when i winced for a medical evacuation.)

everything including the rock scramble and the rise to the summit were challenging but totally doable. i wouldn't climb this mountain if you're new to hiking - but it gave me such a sense of accomplishment.

i can see why the hiking guides might give it a low score on the solitude factor - but they need to visit during the week and in march - because besides a few hardcore peeps - we had a lot of room.

if i didn't have a great hiking partner, gloves, layers and a gallon and a half of water id've been fucked. but i had all that and will head back pretty soon.

the snafu that involved me begging for a helicopter or a rescue was due to the fact that i bumped my chin on a rock in this tunnel thing - and it felt like i bit my tongue in half. as a matter of fact i think i prolly needed a stitch or two but that became secondary.

now - i think it's too late.

the peak is another trail that is in the snp - it's a 16 mile plus hike that has a difficulty of a six. so that's going to be worked into the schedule (hopefully the 30th will be a nice day.)

next time i'm going to bring my camera or give me death.

nb brought me a present - a tshirt that says "bitch is the new black" - but i don't know too many places i can wear that and not offend children. i'm a little bit conservative - not because we're in the biblebelt or anything - but offensive shirts is just not so me anymore. except this which i need in my life.

tomorrow bright and fucking early is richmond, richmond, richmond - and then work. sunday will start my voyage into the horrorfest 4 movies (i already watched the final and most of kill theory.)

and the weekend of easter i'll be here - doing this. that's a twenty mile hike - in two days but the camping i hear is awesome and i need that in my life too.

he can play honky tonk just like anything

so - tomorrow at around five (am) - nick is picking me up and we are headed to hike old rag. it's in the shenandoah national park - i think if we get there by eight or so we'll be good to go.

i am getting my things ready for that and for saturday (zoo in rva with kids and jdg).

talk about being busy.

i haven't planned a hike like this in quite a while and i have never been so excited about a hike before. i got some spikes for my shoes just in case the ice is as bad as people say - but either way i'm prepared and have plenty of layers.

it's over an eight mile hike - so keep me in your prayers. i hiked devil's marbleyard with bm once and that's an eight mile plus hike but you only gain 1,500 feet (same as flat top) but here you gain an extra 1,000 feet - they say it's tricky.

plus - if i'm going to attempt doing a nice chunk of the at this summer i need to get prepared.

the zoo! so - yeah! jdg and i will be taking the kids to the zoo on saturday - i thought it would be better than a movie (and there are no movies) and what kid doesn't like the zoo (i'll tell on sunday).

the richmond zoo is about thirty minutes towards me from him - so we'll meet there. lunch and junk will be packed and a day at the zoo is prolly exactly what we all need (well, me and the kids at least). what kind of time jdg will have will depend on him.

oh - so yesterday in rva - we stopped at foodlion for some juiceboxes and whatnot - and going down the frozen aisle to hit the restroom we both saw it at the same time. whilst my mom gave up icecream for lent and i have promised no candy - we saw the jackpot of sin. it was ice cream with a valentine heart inside. real cocksucking chocolates in the ice cream.

we both fondled the carton for a minute - before we both heard the nails being driven into the cross.

i love you jesus.

you best believe.

what's saved could be one last lifetime

so basically when i have nothing to say - i don't talk anymore.

it's made up if i do.

i am totally just not feeling it lately - i have been honest-to-goodness down in the dumps and i don't know why.

after i went for a walk last night and had a bite to eat i went out with a friend from richmond. sometimes i think that people make me more uncomfortable because of what they expect me to say. hanging out with nick is never like that - instead we can be quiet and just listen to nature or traffic.

i didn't get home until after three - and that was okay too.

this time.

i had car troubles on monday but today - is well - a new day.

for some reason *hp's will* my car troubles started in the dock of getting my oil changed - sure it took a tow truck and a local garage to fix 'er up - but i think/thank hp that the problem didn't happen on the way to richmond - or with the kids - or it was any worse.

finding gratitude when life is going GOOD is easy - finding it when things are shitty is definitely not as easy.

but it's one of those musts that i need to practice.

i really have no desire to get high/drink anymore. in the rooms i would say - 'just for today - i my hp has removed the desire to use' - because it really is only a daily reprieve. but every morning before i get outta bed - i usually hit my knees and ask for that, ask for the ability not to react, and recently those prayers include me asking for the power to not let a man in my life/control it. all of those things will always be with me - but if god can help me through today - i will a. thank him tonight before i go to bed and b. try the whole thing over again tomorrow. that's what some of this shit gives me - and if that's all i ever get out of going to those meetings then that's really plenty.

speaking of daily reprieves i think i'm going to stay with the shopping thing after lent. i was semi-disgusted with myself when i started to switch out the summer clothes. so i'm going to try and sell a few things at plato's closet today in richmond - i am embarrassed to admit that i hung up over one-hundred shirts for this summer.

i mean nobody needs shirts like that - except well - when you do.

the only reason i'm not getting the local mani-pedi deal for twenty-five bucks yet is because it's still gonna be in the thirties next week and well - that still may constitute as shopping. i'm not sure.

if someone wants to buy me that mani-pedi i might do it - or i might wait still.

or i might just ask hp to guide me through this one too.

i'm pretty sure that you got your own recipe

health care, huh?

this morning i was flipping through the stations looking for something to have on in the background while i did this and heard - 'THIS IS THE WEEK' and blah blah blah and i really don't know what is going on.

(note to self must look into that)

but only after i finish baking my "pi" today.

i do know this - yesterday after i had a really good visit with the kids - i changed and went to short pump to get my hair cut. i realized on the way home that my personal ad has changed (due to the shirt i was wearing):

dwf* - seeking catholic dude with or without kids - can recognize my super sexy cut up joy division shirt - circumcised or not (at least for a decent try at first) - can grow a garden - likes to watch movies that win awards - reads at least six books a year - (tbc).

so i have been sitting on this huge thing about whether or not to go to jl's bachelor party - at first when i told him i couldn't he asked exactly how far i was from the big cities here in virginia (dude wanted to come here).

after the initial flutter of flattery and whatnot i decided i have to the right thing here and tell him that after all this time it would be probably some awesome shit but honestly i don't wanna break her heart nor mine.

so - i sent my bachelor gift to his best man for that night.

it's not quite my sexytime but it will do.

in less mind guilt news i have been really getting on with this whole watching what i eat thing. now it's protein.

between greek yogurt, egg whites, oatmeal and skim milk - i get a solid 90 grams of protein a day.

i stay full longer and i feel like a million bucks.

well maybe not a million but at least ten.

picture pleasure:

love of my life

!!!

video gaming.

best part of my day.

Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

the next fucking time i say somebody other than my kids is the love of my life - remind me.

please.

*that still sounds weird.

cause we all live under the reign of of one king

wtf.

my dream this morning was i was getting married to jimmy fallon - but i couldn't remember his phone number. in the end it was (540) spin-art and we had a morning breakfast ceremony with all different kinds of breakfast buffets.

early monday the bitch that cuts my hair had the salon call and say she was apparently sick. so tomorrow i'm gonna get my hairs cut. i like this whole shorter in the back thing for the moment so i think i'm gonna stick with that again.

a few friends of mine went out of town to norfolk - so i am taking care of their dogs (5). s'all good though - i am pretty sure that's how the friend thing works.

but i have have to be taught that too - being a friend that was high 99percent of the time i wasn't taught simple stuff like that.

but i know today that being a good friend is being dependable and that being available is what people (including my family and kids) need most.

drugs took all that from me.

today is obviously friday - and that means a bunch of stuff - no meat of course. and today is mass, benediction, stations of the cross and a meeting.

but speaking of lent - three weeks and two days into my lenten promise of no candy - i have lost five pounds. i was discouraged the first couple of days in but between no candy and a lot of oatmeal (smothered in butter, splenda and peanut butter - for protein gawd) - i got rid of those five pounds the cruel winter put on.

fridays always means new sex&submission too.

tgif.

always - tgif.

thoughts of what we were invade

geez.

not that i ever tried it - but in my dream i got busy with random dude and some dishsoap. now this is not me on so many levels and it was so bad in my dream - i know i have a serious problems with anything near/on my body during sexytime.

i absolutely hate confrontation - i hate it. but there's a saying in the rooms of the program - that when the pain of not changing gets to be more than the pain of changing - it's only then that you'll change.

well fuck - as a professed masochist i can take pain and usually take it well - well - i am pretty much done with a certain thing in my life (and this isn't about bm although we are completely done. DONE!) - this is about something that has been going on for awhile now - and while i know i can be - err i wasn't the perfect friend in the past - today/recently i try.

enough with the self-inflicted bullshit.

now i gotta act on the above - and that's where true freedom is.

i'm just tired of signing up for the same shit that i complain about.

in less whiny news i watched the hurt locker aaaaaaaaand the final destination the day before yesterday. i also watched dear john.

on the movie spectrum i am posi that you can say i was all over the place. the final destination was exactly what i expected which sometimes you need - dear john was exactly what i expected too except i am pretty posi that if i wanna find true love i gotta move to north carolina.

the hurt locker was pretty decent - i'm not sure if it's because women still are enigmas to me - but i like movies where guys 'get it' and don't need to talk about pussy the whole time (shawshank redemption) to bond.

then last night i went to church - confession (why i keep taking back my will and fucking with bm over and over and over - among other stuff) - benediction and mass where i read. the truth is - i need to get a little more strength so that i don't keep beating myself up over my past - and one day i won't allow others to either.

it's only love she hoped to find

greeeeeeat day.

the funny thing about that saying is i use it - i know. i know.

i am pure jersey living in the country and loving it.

it's been awhile only because i wasn't really around too much but not that much happened either.

saturday i wound up in west virginia for a friend's birthday with her family and a na meeting on the road.

that's the part of jersey i don't miss - people in bedford and more in bluefield are just so down to earth and it's not a fashion show - it's not all brand names - it's honest sharing at meetings and shit that keeps you clean.

not to say that you can't stay clean anywhere - i'm just this girl in a lucky brand sweatshirt and true religion jeans that's just starting to get it.

after a day that started at six in the mornin' - i got back around ten and went home to change (!!!) and went to work from eleven to four-ish. can someone please say responsible?

fuck.

sunday i should've blogged but instead i exercised, slept and wound up internerding instead. thank goodness for small miracles (by the way i'm going the next time you read this i'll be in the peace corps* or some shit)

then yesterday i went to rva for braeden's birthday. my smallest baby born (note: not youngest) turned four yesterday. he's such a good kid - he wanted zrg to come on the outing and zrg, of course, tried to ruin it. he didn't mean to get hurt by a skeeball - but he did disappear a few times when me and brae were having fun.

on with the show:

my baaaaaa-bee.

skeeball bitches.

brae actually killed zrg at this.

some guy actually took this. i swear.

he loves this shit.

i put my watch on him upsidedown -

and said ... "where's the three?" (the date is there)

and "it's really late!"

!!!

magic relight candles!

after presents and what not - i drove home-ish.

i met bm for a romp back at his place and bad television. then i came home and basically passed out until just now.

i had my car washed and vacuumed yesterday in rva - so today i'm gonna finish that shit up and do the windows and walk the loop after the noon meeting. it's gonna be gor-ge-ous today and then rain forever - no like really. so you gotta do what you gotta do.

the na girls are going out to lunch after the meeting while i walk - i was invited and then invited with a free pass but my intentions whenever i go out are good. i'm gonna stick to my meal plan or i won't make a big deal out of eating in front of these people (or them eating in front of me) but i just always wind up hating myself later.

so i'm not even going.

so i have semi-befriended this dude who's the leader of the pack over at burning angel. well - he things i'm witty (i guess) so he asked me to write this testimonial for the page. so i wrote two - he liked one and when the new site launches my 'testimonial' (which includes the fucking word pussy) is going to be on the join page (i will link you don't worry).

but now i'm thinking that's gonna be great for my custody suit - stay away jdg.

stay away.

*i know i prolly couldn't even get in.

i will treat you well my sweet angel

alright.

here it is: yesterday i woke up and thought to myself that it's been too many weeks/months since i gave some of this pussy away and i called bm.

he was here just about six hours later - fucking my shit up - only the way he knows how.

i mean i know i was harsh on him at times - but he is the true love of my life. there's no doubt about it. i don't think i'll ever find a guy that knows me like that - asks about my kids with sincerity - manages to work my recovery into conversation even though he has none - and gets the point across we are getting married into that six hour window.

yah - i said it.

for as many times as i broke his heart - he's broke mine. but it's that polar pull that he's got on me - not just his "froggy-style."

oh yeah - richmond. richmond was pretty freakin' awesome wednesday - as i get more used to the information i got i'll be more comfortable talking about it but just know that those four boys are gonna need each other in their lives as much as i'll ever need them.

and how blessed i truly feel to be a part of their lives - and that god has allowed me to be their mom.

only recently did i get the full dose of reality on that.

the camera on saturday and wednesday was switched to economy (thanks brae) - so pictures were kinda crappy - but -

vin and i are getting awesomely close.

jitters is just my man.

in other news - i can't even think straight - kirby suggested that i probably have "complete abstinence" from dude the other day (no excuses kinda thing) and sharon agreed. so that will be the plan - other plans include: peebles for a present for a friend, west virginia tomorrow for sharon's birthday, work tomorrow night and rva on monday (brae bday and a haircut or two). oh and i think it's friday so sex&submisision will have a new scene - but - i got this one.

so turn around and i'll pick up the slack

so.

i will just say that while i won't tell sharon - or really anybody in the 540 - i made out with someone on monday.

then last night something happened - and it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN - while talking to said makeout-partner (!?!) he called zrg 'slow.'

i think that was the last straw (aside from his over-eager tongue) in the decision making process of whether to see my middle-aged stalker again.

i don't care if you only read this blog or you know me in the flesh - i'm a mamma bear when it comes to my kids and i'll fuck you up if you even look sideways at them.

so - needless to say - i made up an excuse to get off the phone with him and that's it.

edit number? DELETE!

kissing to me is better than anything else during sexytime - i don't know if it was because tm and bm were such good kisser (err - kissed like me) - but that tops my list of "musts" these days. i have this big bottom lip and i want it sucked on - something bm used to do was kiss my mouth like he was eating my pussy and good god - that was good stuff. my pussy would be jealous of what his mouth was doing to mine and clothes would fly.

darting tongues is i guess how that generation kisses.

gross.

i'm fixin to go to rva in a bit. when i was at the house the other day brae was doing his 'awesome dance' - i promised him a cd of rock.... so i got a cd together of nsync, bon jovi, depeche mode, matt & kim, metro station, twisted sister, ratt - among others... if no one else likes it i bet jdg will.

someone like you and all you know and how you speak

having kids is the weirdest combination of anxiety and joy that one will ever know.

so here you are pregnant and they scan your baby - ten toes! brain! kidneys! you know everything a baby is supposed to have and then you push out said baby and it looks perfect - just like the picture!

but as you get to know this person things go wrong and i'm learning as you really live life with that person (ie my brother) things can go really wrong.

i learned this morning that my brother has something on his brain - don't know what yet - but it's there. and while i love my brother and want the best for him it's hard for me not to sympathize with my mom on this one.

knowing that my brother - forty-four - is my mom's first (her zrg) and how if she feels about her son like i do mine - how the pain can cripple you - well... i'm just saying signing up to have kids is really the longest and hardest thing you can do.

the only thing i can say about my brother is i know that my parents both love him without boundaries. he is their light and well - no matter what it is (probably soap bubbles or something) he'll get support from both of them - even though they aren't "together."

this is gonna be the case in all the things my kids do - i will be there to cheer them on whether it's sports, school or sickness - and the greatest part (aside from making them with jdg) is that i know he'll be there too and be there through it all - good and bad. i mean i never thought it out when we were married - 'is he the type of guy that's never gonna leave them?' - that was never on my checklist for a good dad but he sure did turn out to be.

things i got done today that i didn't think was possible: a meeting and i pooped.

things i wanted to get done but know i won't: finish this book and dry hump.

things i'll get done no matter what: watch a cry for innocence from 48 hours mystery this past saturday and paradise lost.