well.so - i told dude i couldn't go out tonight....
and while i felt relief and weight lift immediately from my body when i pushed end - the whole 4:21 seconds of the call sucked ass. the last time i did something that was going to save my life (and it could've) was when i quit bm. i know in my heart of hearts he wasn't going to use around me - but i just had to "play the whole tape out" and know where bm leads me.
and every single bone in my body said to not go out with dude tonight - friends told me - and i had that feeling and went with it.
intuition is usually my hp talking to me and for once - i listened.
i watched crazy heart and it was pretty good. i can prolly relate a little - alcoholism - and you know losing everything everything you have and all that. in the rooms of the programs we like to say we gave it away because we did - i didn't lose my kids... i gave them away. and today i have to prove myself to get the trust back, my friends, self-esteem - hell, my freedom - and my kids will be back i have no doubt.
only if i keep doing what i've been doing.
if you knew me when i was using you know how i got. you know the nightmare that was unfolding in front of your eyes and imagine what it was like in the middle of it. that's how i never want to be again - a friend asked me yesterday if i thought i could ever have one drink again - and i know it sounds crazy but i can't. i could never have one drink - it was never enough. one drink for me would pick me up where i left off last time - they say my next drunk/high is going to be worse than my last and being in a medically induced coma for three days is what happened last time.
the next time is something i am going to just say no thanks to - just for today.
so - anyway - after we hung up and i had time to feel the weight of having to avoid glances at dinner or him possible wanting to solidify the date with "date-stuff" - i started to feel bad. i felt bad for him and why i led him on over and over and over again - i know that it's not nice or even fair but i had to do what i had to do.
then i felt bad for me - i really wanted a backrub and i know that sounds hokie or some shit - i should say i wanted my pussy pounded and my mouth raped - but i miss backrubs pretty bad. having my asshole played with would've been nice too.
later tonight i'm going to do stations of the cross at church and a meeting. i might lay in bed for the next day (until rva tomorrow) and watch movies.
coming up for sure today is the hurt locker and the new sex&submission - TGIF!
No comments:
Post a Comment