what's in your heart will stay the same

it's 5:30.

in the morning.

i can't sleep - it could be a million things - but i know exactly what it is.

i can't talk about it yet.

so - i am finishing up vision quest again. my so ocd is getting pretty bad again. it may or may not be self-inflicted *see above* - but regardless i am watching the same movie over and over again.

this isn't any regular movie - the soundtrack is bomb - and maybe that's a reason enough to love it for any 80's fan.

but i have found many messages in this movie.

there's a whole bunch of this movie that makes me happy, sad, excited - i get chills - it hasn't lost anything yet - despite me watching it a dozen times in the past three days.

i think i like the love story as much as the coming of age growing up and setting goals story - i know what it's like to maybe not have it work because you guys are on different paths. of course the love story i'm referring to in my own life was with jl.

he's getting married really soon - and i think about how i was set to be with him for the rest of my life and that's the kind of story we had going - before heroin got in the way and i forgot what promise was.

i forgot what love for jl was - dope was the only thing that i had left.

it's funny - i then think about jlm, tm, jdg and bm - and it was always me and something else (greed, adultery, addiction) - that i strayed to. the other guy never had a chance.

that's kinda why i'm scared to go out with this dude - i know that i am filled up with dude in the beginning - that it fills that hole - that void. but shortly thereafter i become antsy - and need more.

i'm not looking for a dude to fill that hole today - cause he won't (he can't) - i'm trying to make it so that the hole is filled before we go out.

my hp can do that - i feel it.

(fucking jacob black is starring in a new vision quest - fuck)