when it's right the light just comes shining through

this is the morning of blah.

honestly i feel like i should be sleeping or dying - i usually feel better after coffee - i don't know what's wrong.

i have decided i'm gonna stop being so open with my friendships pretty much - i get more invested than other people do - and that can't be a 'me' thing - i bet i can change that.

sure at one time it might've been an asset but right now - it feels like a handicap - and i'm already fucked up in more ways than you so i think it's time i get control over my feelings.

one thing that comes up when i think about this is bm.

do you think i don't wanna get naked underneath him every single day? well - i do. he knows my body and what i like as much as anybody ever has but i can't. i had to creep into his house this last time - 35 years old and i'm still being snuck in - and the lies that accompanied it were so outrageous i just couldn't deal. plus the smallest thought that feelings were/could/might be exchanged is enough to make me run - i gotta get to richmond and i can't do it with a boyfriend.

tm - talking to him can make me mentally relapse too. you think that talking to him is just blazé - hell no. i think about the past a lot! but that's one of the friendships where i'm trying to test out my new found "hardness" - and not get mushy or silly in my mind.

how i know i'm semi-succeeding - i haven't crocheted him anything yet.

my mom's bday is on vday - so i ordered her a card, my dad a card and the kids a card at shutterfly with pix and all - for free - the promocode was 3freecards and they should be here this week. i only had to pay $1.01 for shipping and tax so y'know i'm happy about that.

jdg wants my involvement/help/ability-to-take-over of zrg's birthday party at the house. i figure for zrg i will do this. i think i'll be walking jdg through the set up and preparation but i can do that too - we're good when it comes to the welfare of the kids.

later today i'm fixing to go to a meeting and boy do i need one - not only am i going crazy here in the snow, no kids, no work - but i need to show SOMEONE how good my hair came out today.