but he talks like a gentleman

gosh.

i had a crazy last day or so.

i worked this morning - then i made plans to spend the evening with nikki - she's dealing with people pleasing too - err: man pleasing - and trying not to hurt feelings - only to hurt yourself. so we decided we're gonna go out for coffees and try to not do it.

just for tonight!

that's the beauty of staying clean, staying sober, staying away from candy and shopping - it's just for today. it's just a daily thing - and then tomorrow will be here soon enough - or it will take forever sometimes.

in case someone close by (!!!) read this i didn't want to blog about me speaking last night. it was the first time i told my story in the rooms of narcotics anonymous and i'm told i did "great." that you can hear the recovery with the desperation that i felt - that it took to get me clean and wanting recovery.

wanting a different way of life.

the best part?

was when i was sharing and i can see the newcomers nodding - and identifying. then to see that it gets better - the feelings get better. the legal drama gets better. it feels better.

but before the meeting i went to the stations of the cross at church.

where we kinda do this ceremony where we go through the fourteen stations of the cross - from jesus being condemned to die to dying and being put in the tomb. there is no resurrection of jesus in this - because who knew?

i'll tell you who really didn't know - his mother. i have being going to the stations of the cross during lent since i was born - yet i never knew or i could never identify with mary at all. at the fourth station where jesus met his mother - and knowing what happened at crucifixions he was comforting her (knowing his fate) (and her knowing his fate) - i wept like a baby.

the thought of looking at one of my children and for him to look back at me.

TOO MUCH!