fml

you will miss sunrise if you close your eyes - that would break my heart in two

well.

so - i told dude i couldn't go out tonight....

and while i felt relief and weight lift immediately from my body when i pushed end - the whole 4:21 seconds of the call sucked ass. the last time i did something that was going to save my life (and it could've) was when i quit bm. i know in my heart of hearts he wasn't going to use around me - but i just had to "play the whole tape out" and know where bm leads me.

and every single bone in my body said to not go out with dude tonight - friends told me - and i had that feeling and went with it.

intuition is usually my hp talking to me and for once - i listened.

i watched crazy heart and it was pretty good. i can prolly relate a little - alcoholism - and you know losing everything everything you have and all that. in the rooms of the programs we like to say we gave it away because we did - i didn't lose my kids... i gave them away. and today i have to prove myself to get the trust back, my friends, self-esteem - hell, my freedom - and my kids will be back i have no doubt.

only if i keep doing what i've been doing.

if you knew me when i was using you know how i got. you know the nightmare that was unfolding in front of your eyes and imagine what it was like in the middle of it. that's how i never want to be again - a friend asked me yesterday if i thought i could ever have one drink again - and i know it sounds crazy but i can't. i could never have one drink - it was never enough. one drink for me would pick me up where i left off last time - they say my next drunk/high is going to be worse than my last and being in a medically induced coma for three days is what happened last time.

the next time is something i am going to just say no thanks to - just for today.

so - anyway - after we hung up and i had time to feel the weight of having to avoid glances at dinner or him possible wanting to solidify the date with "date-stuff" - i started to feel bad. i felt bad for him and why i led him on over and over and over again - i know that it's not nice or even fair but i had to do what i had to do.

then i felt bad for me - i really wanted a backrub and i know that sounds hokie or some shit - i should say i wanted my pussy pounded and my mouth raped - but i miss backrubs pretty bad. having my asshole played with would've been nice too.

later tonight i'm going to do stations of the cross at church and a meeting. i might lay in bed for the next day (until rva tomorrow) and watch movies.

coming up for sure today is the hurt locker and the new sex&submission - TGIF!

what's in your heart will stay the same

it's 5:30.

in the morning.

i can't sleep - it could be a million things - but i know exactly what it is.

i can't talk about it yet.

so - i am finishing up vision quest again. my so ocd is getting pretty bad again. it may or may not be self-inflicted *see above* - but regardless i am watching the same movie over and over again.

this isn't any regular movie - the soundtrack is bomb - and maybe that's a reason enough to love it for any 80's fan.

but i have found many messages in this movie.

there's a whole bunch of this movie that makes me happy, sad, excited - i get chills - it hasn't lost anything yet - despite me watching it a dozen times in the past three days.

i think i like the love story as much as the coming of age growing up and setting goals story - i know what it's like to maybe not have it work because you guys are on different paths. of course the love story i'm referring to in my own life was with jl.

he's getting married really soon - and i think about how i was set to be with him for the rest of my life and that's the kind of story we had going - before heroin got in the way and i forgot what promise was.

i forgot what love for jl was - dope was the only thing that i had left.

it's funny - i then think about jlm, tm, jdg and bm - and it was always me and something else (greed, adultery, addiction) - that i strayed to. the other guy never had a chance.

that's kinda why i'm scared to go out with this dude - i know that i am filled up with dude in the beginning - that it fills that hole - that void. but shortly thereafter i become antsy - and need more.

i'm not looking for a dude to fill that hole today - cause he won't (he can't) - i'm trying to make it so that the hole is filled before we go out.

my hp can do that - i feel it.

(fucking jacob black is starring in a new vision quest - fuck)

a feline casanova

so there's this guy here - robert - he's short but he was kinda in charge of the whole show. and since i came back i haven't seen him.

so i needed a new "p" key for one of the full-timers and went to knock on his door -

"he's no longer here!" - i heard.

wow - i didn't know that.

so i immediately thought it was that constant boner he had and he was fired for jerking off or something. i thought my little bit of internerding can't be that bad - dude got fired for having an eternal boner.

but nope - he's going back to the shit - iraq.

now i feel bad - and i bet he's the one that had me blocked and junk that time. regardless that kinda karma shouldn't bring war.

they also had a wellness meeting here this morning at six. you got to come in early and thus it was overtime to learn about how to eat healthy - of course i wouldn't get overtime since i'm part-time but i didn't come anyway. it's funny to see all these people grab at free bananas when later on they'll be back at hardees and kfc for lunch - if someone paid them to come in early to learn about eating cheetos the same crew would be here and they'd eat up the cheetos too!

i took a banana for breakfast.

if i take this vacation that i've been thinking about i might come back a new woman. i just think it would be nice to warm up and get away and then come back and take on this move with one hundred percent. the only problem (and there are two really) - is that i get so nervous to travel now.

i didn't know i was a nervous (better word would be scared) person. sure - i used to travel around the country for jimmy and around the world with jl - but - i was always high. always.

then it prolly didn't help that the first thing i did clean (bus to nj) i ran into a drug addict offering me seboxone.

the answer will come to me soon i'm sure.

i was talking to jamesdeen in ba chat the other day - and he had said that he works with kink three times a month - between sex&submission and public disgrace.

well - i see he did two public disgrace scenes in the last year - and a handful of s&s. are they shelving all these scenes for a later date.... i dunno. if i would've thought about it i might've asked him where one learns to become a dom.

there are some standard things i think you gotta be able to pull off: choking (well), spitting, titty torture, insulting, humiliation - but then everyone adds their own spice (thus, making a good dom).

i think it's just as important to have an obedient sub. it's not just you get tied up and fucked - no - there is a certain willingness and eagerness that makes a woman seem slutty enough to want and desire cock the way she'll get it from a guy who's willing to go the extra length.

overexposed -- commercialized

so.

i never know how to handle "people" - i mean i know how to handle "money" - but never people.

money is a funny subject this morning - i have this new bank account at wachovia.

way-to-save (insert me doing a thumbs up) - but not only do you get 5% on your money that's in there (and the only way to do that 100/month and a dollar every mac/billpayer transaction) - but at the end of the year you can earn a whole 5% more (max $300).

i did the math - that means you need $6,000 in there to get that bonus. which means they only allow a max of $1200.00 lumped in there - which leaves $4800.00 that you would need to transfer in one dollar at a time - (leave me alone) - and there's basically 20 business days per month - which means to get this generous but fucking insane offer you need to use your mac card twenty times every day.

what a joke.

but it's also a sick joke on me because i get awesome rewards from old navy - and i still like some old navy stuff - so what to do.

WHAT TO DO.

oh yeah - what to do about the people thing.

i try to be friends with people i really do - i am a good friend when i'm allowed and i'm a better friend when encouraged. i mean i'm not fucking perfect and wanna do the right thing every single time i'm provoked but fuck - i am on a journey - a slow ride (insert: foghat).

but it doesn't take this old dog to understand that everybody isn't going to be on my journey and people will get on ... and get off ... along the way.

that's life.

i'm going to watch shutter island today.

but he talks like a gentleman

gosh.

i had a crazy last day or so.

i worked this morning - then i made plans to spend the evening with nikki - she's dealing with people pleasing too - err: man pleasing - and trying not to hurt feelings - only to hurt yourself. so we decided we're gonna go out for coffees and try to not do it.

just for tonight!

that's the beauty of staying clean, staying sober, staying away from candy and shopping - it's just for today. it's just a daily thing - and then tomorrow will be here soon enough - or it will take forever sometimes.

in case someone close by (!!!) read this i didn't want to blog about me speaking last night. it was the first time i told my story in the rooms of narcotics anonymous and i'm told i did "great." that you can hear the recovery with the desperation that i felt - that it took to get me clean and wanting recovery.

wanting a different way of life.

the best part?

was when i was sharing and i can see the newcomers nodding - and identifying. then to see that it gets better - the feelings get better. the legal drama gets better. it feels better.

but before the meeting i went to the stations of the cross at church.

where we kinda do this ceremony where we go through the fourteen stations of the cross - from jesus being condemned to die to dying and being put in the tomb. there is no resurrection of jesus in this - because who knew?

i'll tell you who really didn't know - his mother. i have being going to the stations of the cross during lent since i was born - yet i never knew or i could never identify with mary at all. at the fourth station where jesus met his mother - and knowing what happened at crucifixions he was comforting her (knowing his fate) (and her knowing his fate) - i wept like a baby.

the thought of looking at one of my children and for him to look back at me.

TOO MUCH!

tonight is our last stand

okay.

so i know it was people and it was a december 21st mag - but taylor swift and jacob black* (the two taylors) were/are going out? wtf? jealous much - tara.

staying in pop-culture - i totally still have a crush on chris jericho. i might've blogged about this before but when i moved to bedford i ran into this guy, harley, and he said - "don't sweat it i was named after a wrestler myself" - after some googling i saw it was true.

i was over a friend's house this morning - via skype *seriously* - and we were internerding together and found a few pictures of a few exes of mine (and his). gosh - i gotta say i am glad i am not with anybody i ever had sex with in the past. and that's a harsh thing to say - but honest. i am not looking for mr. perfect - believe you me - but i laugh when i think about some of the douches i actually laid down with.

never again.

i am not saying i wanna fuck with chris jericho or even really would fuck with a dude that wears a scarf. but seriously - cocksucking tie dye? barf-o-rama!

in hot topic shopping news: i don't know if it's really shopping if it's free - i got some old navy rewards bucks and wanna spend them. i think it's okay to not consider it shopping if i don't actually spend my money - i'll see though. the simple fact i'm rationalizing it makes me feel dirty - like sex or drugs even.

and in news to that other shopper girl - she mentions that she was "looking" for a denim jacket that she could wear with denim (a distressed denim jacket to go with regular denim jeans) - good god.

for a girl who claims the title of shopaholic she sure as fuck doesn't know fashion.

so it's friday. that means the new sex&submission is out - sasha knox says in her opening interview that to cum she needs to be dominated - woo hoo - a girl after my own heart. the dom is mark davis again - he must be their stock go-to guy because he's been on there so much lately (despite james deen and mr. pete twittering about working for them).

*he's 17 *17 *17 *17 *17

really too late to call, so we wait for morning to wake you

fuck me.

so - i have been using safari for windows (true story: zrg used to call firefox "the safari for windows" but one day i looked and they make safari for windows!!!) - and without prompting it updates my top sites with how they look.....

so i know this is prolly stupid to you all but that girl *the other shopaholic* went shopping. and in her post she gave all these old navy codes that can be stacked and well - without warning i was on the old navy site and i was like FUCK!!!! - i can't shop.

and talk about frustrating try doing a kid visit - doubled up with a kid visit two days after vday where i brought them lotsa lotsa candy - and i couldn't have any.

the only upside to that was today i maintained my weight and i felt like i really accomplished something.

i have therapy today. must tell kirby about d - when i called to rebook yesterday she asked ... "hows the men" ... it isn't about me picking up a drink or drug these days it's me getting underneath some dude and forgetting about life on the outside - forgetting the rest of me.

but where i thought i was boring my few bloggers - i was reassured that while the sexy tara is engaging that the recovering, movie watching, working, mothering tara can be just as cool (note: just as?)

mandatory picture dump:

hollyball.

flashface.

heh.

nobody drowned.

i swear.

brae took this.

my drink of choice these days.

fucking love him.

i swear it's never this bad.

edit post: so i tried to use that girls cocksucking promo codes for a pair of distressed cargo pants and none of them worked. i feel really stupid now.

bitch.

'cause i am giving up on making passes

morning.

i was talking to a friend last night - and i was thinking where's the sexy posting girl that once resided here and i just don't know.

today i'm going to richmond to see the kids and believe you me that's the time of my life but i am starting to get horny too.

but if morrissey and lenny kravitz can be celibate fucking a i can.

that's just the thing though i quit bm - i will NOT start this thing up with d no matter what - the verizon guy was too boring - i'm destined to be alone.

right now.

i don't want a guy and that's the best feeling in the world to have - it's new - but awesome. i did ask a friend to mail one of those jlm postcards but that came on the heels of the dream and maybe i'm just feeling semi-lonely too.

but i'm told that feelings aren't always real - that they are just feelings and if i had a feelings meter i would be all over the map on any given day. so - i'm not going to rush out and write jimmy today.

tomorrow well - stay tuned.

it's ash wednesday i am fasting. i am also thinking of something that would be a sacrifice to give up - porn.. i can't do it. i have two subscriptions right now and i don't wanna give it up anyway - i don't drink, drug or smoke... i could stop shopping.

but for six weeks?

i could say i'm gonna not get anything to wear - because truth be told i'm starting to get junk for when i move. but that would mean i would dependent on someone to buy me this shirt and these panties.

dear god help me.

OR - if i didn't give up shopping i could totally give up something like candy.

it would be hard but what an awesome reward on easter - with an easter basket to myself - full of candy that i love.

OR - i could totally do both. yesterday my mom got me a pair of birkenstocks that i wanted - and looking at my spring/summer clothes you'd wanna puke. the only thing that would be terrible about this is if i ran into a winter sale and i was alone. i could probably call for help - alright so i worked it out - right here - right now.

no more candy or shopping until easter.

pray for me.

you must go on with the show

so.

it wasn't my real real celebration date - it was my anniversary date and that's cool and huge - and i got my pocket piece - but friday is when i'll be celebrating with my home group - yada yada - but i got flowers, cards, candy and a mother truckin' espresso machine.

to backtrack: i always go to my friends' house for lattes, espresso, americanos and red eyes. i was really taken back - sorta teary eyed and awesomely happy.

i had friends show up that i thought might've forgotten - and there was a newcomer there - his first meeting. and it was then why i knew i came (hello - nervous!) afterall. it's important for the newcomer to see that a young(er) person can string some time together and although we claim to do it one day at a time - i put three-hundred and sixty-five of those together. that's gotta be some kinda big deal.

and it's also major that the newcomer know that i didn't get it on the first try.

overall it was a great night.

i had a dream that i was visiting jlm again - i wonder if i should.

rock 'n' roll rhythm

it's my clean date.
yeah. it's also twenty-six years to the day my babci died - i feel like she's a posi-lookout for me.

yesterday marked the one year mark since i abused drugs/alcohol in my life. today we celebrate.

the people who i am closest with know that today is a big deal in my life - it's kinda like a birthday but better.

i didn't choose to become an addict or to ruin my life with drugs - but i did choose recovery and to participate in the journey that is making every single day more awesome.

the kicker of it all i'm sick - i pooped at least thirty times last night - and i just don't go at night. so i had to stay up so my body wouldn't think it was night time and well.. i'm just exhausted.

i was reading in some na literature that often we get obsessed over things after we put down the drugs - but my ocd was always there. it's just getting worse. when i told tm about it he said he was sorry - like it was a death sentence.

i didn't think about it like until just then. and now i can't help but wonder if it isn't a death sentence - like forever trapped by the numbers and the rituals.

jlp tweets or blogs about movies she watches and i gather that information and later watch said movies. today i'm watching jennifer's body but first i gotta wash up and shovel... oh yeah... i didn't mention it's cocksucking snowing - again.

i want these sneakers and my paypal account is too.tara@gmail.com.

i'm tired of beating around the bush.

you don't need a ticket to fly with me

i mean it's the day after zrg's kiddie birthday party - you know i'm gonna include some pix - but just so this blog doesn't seem too kid-like i'm going to tell you about a daydream/fantasy? i had while at at the house.

so - now that things are going okay with jdg and junk - and we kid, talk and all that - i had this thought that he might one day say ....

'so how about you come back y'know after bedtime and i fuck the shit outta you like i only know how' - good god - i would.

i think.

i was invited a bunch of places for this godawful day - and i accepted - i figure i won't be here next year at this time so i should soak it all up now.

brae got caught. a lot.

my mom.

<3

::hugs::

kids played video games.

my mom played video games.

the infamous tony.

!!!

ben10 everything.

last year on february 14th was the last time i abused a drug or drink so today marks a day of a lot of reflection for me - tomorrow - well that marks a day of a lot of celebration. :)

even more in love with me you'd fall

i could probably blog for a million years about that kid.

you don't know love until you watch someone become someone you want to know for the rest of your life.

and the kicker is - if i keep doing the right thing - i will.

when i called him this morning - he was in bed. how i miss that - i do. he told me that i was a 'state-of-the-art mom' and that he was lucky too to have me in his life. i couldn't hold it back - it was a bit too much and i cried.

he told me to 'put on my big girl pants' and he'd see me that evening.

um. yes sir.

so i got ready and shit and i went to start a ditl and don't you know - my hp was looking out - i forgot the memory card at home. i doubled back a bit - but still had plenty-o-time to stop at plato's closet and urban for a few necessities! :)

we chuckied it out and then we went to cici's - he didn't quite grasp the concept of a buffet at first - we're talking zrg and food.

he quickly figured that shit out.

he wanted to snuggle.

a lot.

fucking love him.

this right here is why i am alive.

it makes me mellow down to my soul

so - bedford county schools are closed - AGAIN!

that means no church.

that means i don't read again until march 10th - gahlee.

so it was icy last night - and since i really don't want the verizon guy to know where i live (i just don't trust dudes that much) i told him we'd meet up some other time - well - it's 7:45am and he has off - so we're doing an early movie and a late lunch.

then tomorrow i have another date - but it's with zrg and chuck e cheese.

maybe tomorrow i'll ask jdg to send me the birth stories that we all wrote (me, jdg and my mom) about the day zrg was born. it's pretty comical to see how different we all saw his labor and birthday.

i watched drag me to hell yesterday am and brothers last night. both were decent movies - i did however have dreams that included afghanistan people and magick - and a dog that was big and wouldn't let me near my kids.

oh, and braeden stole a dollar in my dream too.

if that's your best, your best won't do

ah.

so i wound up going to a superbowl party - grant it was a sober/clean superbowl party - it was too smokey! addicts don't quit their nicotine addiction when they put down the drugs that's for sure.

then i came home and pretty much had a sore throat throughout the night and still do!

the superbowl leaves a bad taste in my mouth for other reasons (noooo, not that!) - last superbowl was the first/last time me and bm used other than alcohol together and three days later was the last time i saw him as a lover (although we technically fell outta love months and months before - probably right around the time of our relapse).

so last night i talked to my sponsor about that - and getting clean right after that and being on the journey i'm on is a blessing in more ways than i can count.

i went to the bank - i hate that shit. i need to just do what's necessary and get my ass to richmond. i am dragging my feet and the longer i drag my feet - the more roots i grow. now i have two dates in the next week and well... i found yesterday (this is big) - that a date is just a date. you don't NEED to fuck at the end and you don't need to marry the guy. it could be just dinner and a movie - i have to remember that.

the last two guys i had real first dates with (jdg and bm) i wound up living with and eventually it was ugly. a date (i'm told) can be wrapped up when you go home and the bf word isn't necessary for every dude you ever hang out with.

why didn't i know that?

there's a feelin' that i get from nothin' else and there ain't nothin' in the world

so i'm getting ready for work.

you heard me.

just four hours but still - it'll be a few extra bucks to put towards zrg's party this weekend.

i'll just come out and say it the newest sex&submission is just awful. the consensus is that they used trashy tattoo girls *and for a site that's not altporn (whatever that is) i can agree* - you might not want to see tattoo/pierced girls - but john henry was boring - the "gift" plot is overused and it was just terrible.

i can't even get screenshots to make it seem interesting.

maybe they'll redeem themselves and put out something good for crappy valentine's day.

i have taken a handful of laxatives, drank ten cups of coffee and eaten more fiber one products in the past twenty-four hours and still nothing. what is my poo doing in there? it must be some kinda mind fuck - because i can know it's not the lack of trying.

i'm not a big superbowl fan whatsoever - and even though i was invited to a party (or two) i'm going to stay home and not consume the two-thousand calories the average superbowl watcher ingests.

i think i'll finish this book, exercise and hopefully dump out before i stop eating all together.

edit post: i'm home from work already - that was a waste of time really.

i am working thursday night though - after a night of skating with zrg i bet i'll be in great shape for a graveyard shift!

woot!

word is there's a new girl in town

fuck me.

the snow absolutely sucks.

this is the second weekend of me NOT working because of it. i have too much planned to not have my hands on any extra money....

i'm taking zrg out on thursday and then there's this birthday party that i agreed with jdg to go halfies on. and it just doesn't stop - and i have three birthdays in march.

god.

last night i had a good time in rva - good thing we went too - this snow is supposed to last until tomorrow sometime and who knows when i would've gotten to see the kids.

i talked more to jdg yesterday than i have in the last five years (exactly!) - it was pretty decent too. this morning zakkary has already skyped me three times and i'm wearing a jdg hoodie (oopsie!)

seriously it was this kind of night.

i told you that mask gave me more freckles.

three can still fit in the tub!

on the way home from richmond i told my mom i have a date on tuesday. she wasn't suprised - on the way to richmond i was texting verizon guy a lot - he was put off that i'm on ntelos! just kidding.

we (mom and i) were talking about .... dun dun dun ... getting laid and this is a strange time of year. i had gotten into trouble/rehab and shit this time last year so she knows that must be strange - and with a date coming up we talked about sex. i kinda eluded that i have been okay in that area - and she knew right away that it was bm.

of course i didn't tell her i got paid.

that's a line i don't wanna cross ever.

all the words that went wrong

so i'm not gonna go into details.

but i have a date within the next one hundred hours or so.

no big deal - just a movie and dinner in public (that was my stipulation).

i didn't pull a 'tara' and tell him my life story - nor do i have many expectations for tuesday - the only one really being what kind of shoes he might wear (we discussed sneakers for both!). i left the rest up to him (i know right)!

i haven't really mentioned reading at church lately - i guess it was about two weeks ago (maybe more) that rita called me and told me that this dude jeff is going to be a litergy reader too and that means instead of reading every other week - it'll be every three weeks. and i suppose that's a good thing - looks like jeff was called by his hp to read too!

but yknow - i like to do it!

last night would've been jeff's first night but since bedford county school was closed (again) church was cancelled (again!) and next week is my week never the less!

rock!

i'm fixin to go to rva in a few hours - before that though i'm gonna start on a bonnet - yah - i said bonnet.

but you look so good it hurts sometimes

i'm not really happy, yknow.

it's true.

i gave the verizon dude that has been fixing the lines at the shell station my phone number. friday he said hi - and told me that my shoe was untied.

yesterday he asked for my phone number - friends watching and all.

i jumped in the car (mom drove) all excited thinking - i am moving on! i am gonna go out on a date with hottie-phoneguy-mark and put jdg, tm, bm and everyone else behind me. but then i thought - 'alright when he calls i gotta tell him i'm leaving - that i don't sleep with someone (usually) until i have feelings, but don't worry that'll happen real soon' - and then i thought ... that's pretty heavy for a first conversation.

maybe i'll just ignore every call that comes in that my phone does recognize from now until the end of time.

EXHAUSTING!

it snowed again yesterday - i mean again. that's like seventeen inches of snow in a couple of days and i'm tired of it. i am sneaking a kid visit in tomorrow because it's going to snow again friday and saturday.

it makes me think that i was born in january; michael, my mom, zakkary all in february (tm too!), brae and the twins in march - that means that all of our parents were seriously fucking when the weather was nice! so much for the theory that you snuggle up in bed and get born in the fall (except you jlp) - but it's unfair to us winter babies!

snow on our birthdays and all - i never had a scheduled birthday party because snow always ruined it - i'm sure zrg will have a resentment one day just like i'm brewing now!

speaking of zrg he just skyped me and asked where i was - apparently skype showed me as available but i was taking a shower.

he kinda got a bit of my of my stalker genes (stage 5 clinger to those in the know).