i don't know what to write.

heh. ok.

if you care i'm boring even on twitter.
@mamma_graham
blah.

i've tried to teach you well son

so. irene.

i am writing this from jason's house - where i might be staying until i get power (see dominion power's twitter tomorrow but it might be up to a week for restoration to my side of town).

awkward.

last night it was me and the kids doing the storm - riding it out - the trees were landing on the wires and only with one bad band of the storm to go (so says people that had power) we lost power and now i'm in the weeds.  trees, leaves, branches, trees - everything in the yard.  my mom knows with it just being me it'll be a big job - so she said get someone to do it (i take that as i'll help you pay for someone to do it!) - but i have been wrong.  either way at least i'm not expected to clean up all that shit up myself.

you know that saying when you got it bad - there's always someone who has it worse. well - my neighbor not even thirty feet away has a hugh fucking tree in her playroom. now - the storms done and you have to deal with regular yard cleanup - but now insurance companies, people to take away the tree, replace the fence, rebuild the room and she's pregnant - thank you jesus for sparing me that kinda aftermath.

i've been watching true blood via jase's hbogo account - but tonight it looks like i might be able to watch it on a real life tv and see it bigger than seventeen inches.  how did nine episodes pass so soon? with only three episodes left i don't think there's much left to look forward to until christmas or maybe even next season.  

so far today i've had breakfast and lunch with jase and the crew - i've read the daily readings with vinnie (and even kinda taught him the sign of the cross), read the regular sunday blogs, took a shower in my old shower (yes!) and re-watched last weeks episode of true blood in prep for tonights live run.

i've been anxious to spend some more of my dad's money and since jdg wants the blue bullet - i'm looking at an acadia on tuesday. the tattoo might be something i was putting off because all of the dreams i have of my dad include him wanting his money back - (my mom is high on in his list in my dreams - she really can't spend a dime) (he's totally pissed at my bro for spending all my dad's money) but me - i spent a little and i can't give it all back.

i bought a necklace off etsy - got a pair of keens for the winter - and i got a battery for my watch outta that account. the rest of the money isn't going to my retirement (see: my mom has that).

happy money.

and all i ever wanted to feel was redemption

so.

it's been awhile - i guess it's just better to stay in the moment.

me and zrg went tubing down the james river yesterday - i couldn't have gotten more than a 1/4 a teaspoon of water on my new camera and the screen is completely fucked.  that's gotta dry right? eventually? but the camera is taking pictures and i'm able to see them - there's just a big water stain in the screen (i'm talking about a really new expensive camera here).

don't be thinking i've taking "dead-dad money" and going crazy here - my dad kept his word and everything really did go to my mom.  me and michael split two accounts - he got a new corvette, his new chick veneers, a bunch of junk, divorce/criminal lawyers and probably a lot of wine (note: no wacky tabacky - he totally quit.  so what it's for court and stuff - that's major.)

me? i haven't spent a dime.  i can't.  i have plans for a little and consolidating the minivan and the civic for one car/kid car but i can't do even spend a few hundred bucks on a tattoo - one that is devoted to my dad - fuck, even one that isn't.

everytime i go to dial the number for the tattoo shop i'd go to - i hear my dad telling me that getting a tattoo would be the exact opposite of what he'd want me to do with the money.

i know this sounds stupid but i'm hoping he comes back and i can give it back to him.

so the younger three are out of preschool - and camp hasn't started yet - so they have a lot of time.  i have been taking advantage of this and keeping kids from saturday am until wednesday - thursday afternoons and sometimes a one-on-one with zrg on friday nights.

which reminds me of my dad - getting this house was really to try and convince jdg to give me unsupervised visits - working up to sleepovers (if and only if my mom was here) to where i am today.  he would've been so proud of me for a. not fucking this up and b. being honest and kind to jason - it's NOT flirting instead it's doing what people do and not keeping the past from making today so much better.

don't you wanna stay here a little while.

so - yknow how it is.

i'm emo.

my dad's sick.

i didn't get to see my kids for eighteen days because of new jersey - school - work - and everything else that could've gotten in the way.

because i'm a child of god - i know that maybe even that was for the best (not on the top layer though!) - but maybe it took all eighteen of those days to be able to keep it together for any length of time with them. (and i did succeed with that!)

so we all know that i can't seem to just get in a relationship - even long distance with jl.  i'm not sure if anybody will really do it for me - and i don't mean that no one is good enough.  it's obvious that i am not enough for anybody right now.

the other night we were talking - secrets.  the stuff you don't tell anybody - now... don't get me wrong i still have some but i let go of some things that needed to be talked about... stuff about my dad, jdg, kids, doctors, my brain... and he came at me with one.

since none of you know-know him i'm gonna blog it because it fucked my head UP.

he told me he thinks he let his marriage fall apart because i didn't do that last hoorah with him (scroll back to where he wanted me at his bachelor party posts).  i couldn't even go to his wedding - because i was trying to do the right thing and then he tells me that he knew that (wedding) night that he would "hunt" me down again and try this thing all over again.  

truth be told....

i'm an idiot for not taking him up on everything he offers me - i mean we talk more than i talk to anybody.  he's THAT person - he came to my dad's house and parked with me for hours and hours this trip.  i cried and he didn't try anything - even though i am completely vulnerable (see: i even gave stalker at work a second look just to maybe get some attention).  

a backrub was just a reason to be touched - not to have my boobs touched or to even feel the breath of another person.  

here's another secret -  because honestly i added becoming jl's girlfriend to my praylist.

i hope that time god, me, my brain and jl can come together soon and make this happen.

easy come easy go

so - there's this dude at work. MARRIED DUDE. UGLY DUDE (to me).  he just grosses me out and guess what? he has a crush on me.

he claims he needs 'tara fixes!' and hunts me down and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

well - yesterday i couldn't even show up to work because my agoraphobia was so bad i couldn't make it out the front door.

my mom says it's my inexplicable and unfounded fear of men and i might be blowing this out of proportion but i doubt it and i told my supervisor.  note: i didn't tell my boss who would tell his boss or some shit - instead my supervisor is gonna say - "name, you really gotta  back up off of tara. you constantly hunting her down, TOUCHING her and making comments that are really not work appropriate - NEVERMIND you're fucking married."

she was going to say it today but he wasn't in - monday.

i'm picking up some greensheet work and working tomorrow for a few hours. shit - i need the money. i had two kids birthdays in the past month and i have two more this week - that's twins for ya!

besides i needed a few things for myself so i dug deep but i guess that's what savings is for (not real emergencies that come with home ownership.)

another thing about the whole "DUDE" situation is i'm still not ready for a relationship.  believe you me - if i was i have the greatest guy in the world who tells me daily that he's waiting for the green light but i can't get over how bad relationships hurt.  bm and tm totally killed my heart and i don't think it would be fair to my kids to set my soul up for something that could potentially kill me and take me away from them (figuratively and literally.)

it's like when we (jdg, me, zrg and bdg) went to kings dominion last year - there was no line for that ride where you get on and it raises you 500 feet and let's you go - i had two thoughts - one) why don't i show the kids how cool mommy is and ride and watch her fall then while at the top i thought - two) you fucking idiot you can't do this kind of stuff once you're a mom - if you do die (having fun? - see my full circleness here?) you'll be an idiot forever.

getting in a relationship would be like getting on a ride like that - except it doesn't have any safety nets or magnets involved - it's just me... full steam ahead for a brick wall.

my dad is doing what dudes who have cancer do.  he's going to radiation everyday.  he's losing weight.  his hair.  that sorta stuff... but he has high hopes.  his doctor is making plans for june and with radiation ending the end of this month - that means he might get to richmond and to see the kids. 

and that was in my hopes the whole time.

the man in the moon

i'm thinking of changing the name of this blog to my journey home.

every day i'm having a journey home - from work, or jase's, or the mother/son sweetheart ball i took bdg to, or even new jersey - where i just was.

so friday night i took bdg to this dance - and we totally got gussied up. heels and flowers and ties and dresses  - we danced and ate and we totally made a memory. 

i think.

then saturday i headed to nj.  it's not good - believe you me.  it's actually really bad but i keep getting a few different "talks" - one is where i am not to bury my dad before he's dead.  i shouldn't be so sad while he fighting so hard - there's gonna be enough time to cry when things change.  right now - he's fighting super hard and i was able to the hospital and bath him, shave his head, hang out, "talk", chill - hangout with my BROTHER - i'm saying it was a great trip.

the other thing i've been told - referencing grey's anotomy - is you gotta join the club one day.  the dead dad's club.  live long enough and you're gonna join - don't think i'm not trying to manipulate everybody i can to change this.

that's the addict in me - i'll manipulate any situation until i get my way - but i can't change this.

no matter how hard i keep trying.

everything will be just fine

NOOOOOOO.

rafa's out.

and now federer?

this sucks - i hate austrailia anyway.

zakkary's bday is coming together - i finally got in touch with the teacher about the lunch in and how many cupcakes.  22 students - one is diabetic.  this is zakkary's best friend in school - he has autism full-on - and she suggested a 'salty' snack? wtf? like chips? the teacher said this would make him feel less left out.  

what about me? i feel left out not knowing what to get the kid.

growl.

so with the bad weather in the northeast always - jl has decided to take the china bus to richmond.  it travels in the middle of the night - i am taking my nighttime meds now so i can go to sleep and wake up at two to pick him up.  i will take a few minutes with him (hee) and get ready for work (longest eight hours of my life guaranteed)

and then he'll go home saturday early evening when i pick up a few kids.  

i think i need to see him and remind myself that i have made a life that may not be full of what could be but really what is.

i kinda told him why i was sorta sullen - and he gets it.  but i can't help but think that i was being put on to think of something as pure joy to see me deflate (like predicted).

i gotta get strong and remind myself that i forgave myself for all that happened years ago when god did - so to think i somehow deserve to be treated bad is just not right.

oh - and i'm an idiot when it comes to tennis too.  i made it home to watch the federer/djokovic semi and i caught up in the first set - IF they just would've put live in the upperleft corner i wouldn't've even looked it up - but the tension was too much for me and i just couldn't wait.

that's kinda what happened with tm - i couldn't wait any longer and when he gave me the smallest window i took it as real stuff (why wouldn't i?) and i ruined whatever outcome there might've been.

i say i got out just in time and i'll look back and see it's for the best - 

reality ... i'll probably always wonder why.

fuck it - i gotta get ready.

i make quite an arrival

WHY IS EVERYONE IN AUSTRALIA WEARING YELLOW? the ball crew, federer, the sixth seeded dude - i mean YUCK!

federer looks good no matter what he wears - but yellow really doesn't look as good on him as let's say red or -sigh- black.

the open is going on as expected - no americans in week two wasn't what i thought would happen - but as long as roger continues to advance i'll be on board.

for a "warmer" day this winter i can't seem to get warm.  i'm beginning to think that this tuesday working business might've been a mistake - cause i KNOW i'd be warm in a blanket.

i watched (in a blanket) the town earlier this morning - i was surprised that i liked it as much as i did.... the netflix was a purchase i made when we hooked up the wii.  

99.5% of my recommendations are military movies and documentaries - so i stepped out of my comfort zone with the town.

but i'm going to give it four solid stars.

i don't think i've blogged about the sweetheart dance i'm going to with bdg.  it's for moms and their sons between the ages 3-5.  i thought since brae and i never do anything alone (and i always have next year for me and the twins) i'd let him take me to his first dance.  we are gonna dress up - me in a dress and him in a "handsome" shirt - that translates to a shirt with buttons and a pair pants without a drawstring.

zrg has convinced him the deejay will grade us on our dance moves - and while i told braeden that z was just joking... i had to pray at the same time he was.

i mean my dancing in the house i'm unbeatable but in a crowd i will probably go with the flow and stay subtle.  my strongest dance will be a slow one - i wonder if i'm doing it on my knees, holding him or just meeting him in the middle.

regardless! it's going to be an excuse to get my nails done and party preschool style - cause let's face it - he's going into kindergarten.

your silver bones

so i was driving the kids home last night and i was asking bdg a question - and he was pulling a "quiet" - where he doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.

and all of a sudden i heard a tiny shriek - and zrg saying authoritatively - "ANSWER HER" - instantly i focused on the "her" part.  i felt taken care of - feminine - i felt like zakkary was protecting me and it was awesome.  sure braeden took a little bit of a punch but i'm gonna say it was worth it (hee) because of how it made me feel.  that might've been the first time that zakkary stepped up and did what sons do (or what they're supposed to do) and protect their mom.

i had a pretty good weekend and only good things are on the rise - for some reason there's no school monday and that means a one-on-one with zrg since the other three have school.

these are some of my favorite weekends because me and z just veg out and get close - eat food and talk pretty much till we're both sleeping.

PERFECT!

the other things on the horizon aren't concrete but feel like if they don't happen i'll be completely deflated and let down.  but isn't that life.... i like more of a concrete future but if you wanna have flashes of perfect - sometimes you gotta throw yourself on the fire.

i say burn till you die.  because just the prospect of getting a few moments of happiness and willing the future to be - may actually work. 

and manipulating my life to fit my dreams may work too.  

and! years in the making may be happening before even i am ready for it.

BUT! i don't want to make it the biggest deal ever - because let's face it ... that's not cool - but trust me inside i'm being pulled apart by emotions!

YES! - i'm saying that love might return and it might be better than ever.

in semi-less exciting news. i'm waiting on this girl i work with to come over with a plumber.  i have a small leak under the kitchen sink - that one isn't even big enough to require a basin.  but the leak under the bathroom sink does.  it's not big either - but before it gets big i need them fixed.  so - that's what is going on and then after that i need to get some groceries and some other things at the supermarket. 

i have off tomorrow - and with a dad visit looming i wanna get a few things around here done.  

plus i am picking up a few hours on tuesdays (shit, i don't have off actually) - at night - just until this fucking weather breaks and my electric bill goes down.

sure it is - then i have four birthdays - then the summer and doing stuff outside (gardening) - so tuesdays might be my thing for a little while.

but i can't need you anymore

 "how long do you think it takes to retrieve a lost soul?"**

i'm basically going through too much - my palms itch and my belly hurts everyday - my nails feel too short (they actually might be too short).... and i keep thinking that i'm gonna feel better one day but to tell you the truth i don't feel any different than i did a few short long years ago.

sure i think it's gonna be the return of him, or him, or him to make that endless pit feel full and when i listen to songs that i think about dancing one day with zrg to - i feel proud and tall - why can't i feel that way when the music stops?

speaking of -  zrg has lost many teeth - today (written saturday) he lost one and guess what? he's sleeping over. and although i have given jdg plenty of things to put under his pillow (books, toys) from the fairy - tonight she'll be showing up in the southside of richmond.

great day - i love being a mom.

arena racing got postponed - not by the arena or the event - but by jdg.  he didn't feel good about it - and i totally get that.  so to make up for it i asked (and got) a bigboy sleepover.  after the twins left - they took a bath and we played wii for a few hours and just now zrg turned on the second part of titanic and he's drawing and repeating most of the movie word for word. 

or deck for deck - there's apparently a world of three d models out there - and he knows the entire ship.  don't get me wrong - i know this is his thing... his cattle (temple grandin reference)... my numbers... i have one thing to say about anybody who would shun my kid at a party (more temple grandin referencing here) because he talked too much about sunken ships (all of the them!) - i say a big entire fuck you.

mcdreamy quote.

am i more than your bargained for yet

it's usually not down time but busy time do i get on this thing.

so the holidays past - new years - and now it's the beginning of the year and things are settled down.

over the break i had a chock full fun with the kids - so much that the beginning of this week i was love sick missing my kids.

see over the break i saw them so much that settling back into reality caused tears and sadness - so much that i was actually depressed for a bit.

then yesterday i had a visit and tomorrow is a visit and then me and jdg are taking them to indoor arena racing in the city - that i feel things are back to normal.

in addition to a ton of sleepovers i even took zrg to aveda for a few treatments - haircut, minimassage, scalp and hand massage - he felt like he was "king of the world' - and literally said it at least once.

post new years when i was crying (to anyone that would listen really) to my mom she said - 'tara, your kids life one day won't include you - they won't have time for you' - oh pooh, no! 

no i say!

the guy thing is always up in the air with jl - he knows what i get into and he's okay with it until i of course get into it and he changes his mind.

what i'm trying to say is that while me and jl have everything in common when we get together it's like i'm always wearing red and he's stuck in green - and i don't mean a cute christmas couple.  we clash about everything - except for the fact we both want this to work.

that's always black.

sigh.

perfect.

it's not the ribbons in your hair

so i leave for work around five (i know, i know) but something i really appreciate is people who leave their christmas lights on all night.

it's so nice to see some christmas when it's a. so fucking cold i wanna die - and b. no one else is up except tour buses (true story).

then after i cross the james (and a few miles before) i see the buildings of richmond outlined in lights and suddenly it doesn't seem so lonely that early in the morning.

i put in an extra day at work today - because a. i was asked and b. who doesn't need more money here at christmas time.  i mean - i need odds and ends as far as the kids - odds would be stuff like stocking junk - and ends would be a wreath hook, magnets for the stockings and - fuck - pay the taxes.

plus - it will help out with getting the kids out that week (ie bowling - which they did great at this weekend!)

jdg suggested we take them to arena racing - that's on january 8th.  i think we agreed they'd all go nuts - except vinnie - but he's coming anyway.  vin's not really into the racing as much as they others - but he goes with the flow.  when i think about it there's nothing i think vin would dig totally - but that's okay - cause zakkary was like that at that age.  no real one particular thing he'd go goo-goo-ga-ga over... sure zrg liked dora, thomas and lil' bit of everything else - but i remember saying there was nothing that was a sure hit for christmas giving.

and if that means vin might end up a lil' like zrg well - that's pretty cool too.

BUT - it looks like none of the other siblings have any speck of autism - which is also good.

the rest of the week - means work and prolly a kid visit at jdg's.  jericho was really coughing it up yesterday and i'm told he's getting it hard.  so i really don't want to take them out in the cold if unnecessary - and start on the kid haircuts.

jdg's mom took brae - and ruined everything i worked for.  he had a late 80s/early 90s mushroom and now he looks like a dork.  i hate it - so i told jdg to please tell his mom that haircuts are mine from now on.  

some might say i should appreciate her effort - but c'mon - the kids don't need their GRANDmother picking out haircuts for them - there's a cocksucking reason why women stop pushing out babies in their thirties because you are tooooooo old to make cool decisions for your kids!

i'm your sea of devotion

so my mind sometimes thinks that matt & kim cd - should be called matt & tim.  not only do the songs remind me of beats i thought maybe he'd make (before i heard what he was doing) but it reminds me of a real winter trip.

it's sorta sad.

i doubt there's anything behind this post although i feel there is.

tomorrow i am heading back to bedford for a day or two.  i have some business to take care of - and then i'm gonna have lunch with a friend on thursday.  

today! however! today - i did three things on the list - i was like - FUCK YOU LIST and started crossing things off and as a matter of fact just to feel better about myself i wrote things down on the list that i did - JUST so i can cross them off.

it was like i was on a manic high or something - but i was in and out of stores, state agencies and offices - i just felt like i had a second wind... 

i ended the productivity with getting the flu mist (lying that i wasn't sick - still feeling gross) and then picking up dinner for the kids and doing a visit at jdg's.  

brae isn't quite 100% and since the temperature won't quite clear thirty i thought it'd be better to visit at his house.

i've been really praying to mary to help me figure out this whole guy thing - she had it tough yknow.  her relationship with joseph started off really fucked up - but he always got her.  

and i'm praying that jl can be understanding and i can allow him to be - i'm a handful of a girlfriend and usually when the "next move" is on the horizon i sabotage the entire fucking thing.

i'm going to allow god to move me through what's next - starting with church tomorrow.  

celebrating the woman that makes me want to be a better mother and finally - a better partner in my relationship - can only be done at mass.

they lie awake at night and dream of you

ugh.

i didn't get that list done - not that it's too late but good grief i need just do it so i don't feel so overwhelmed and ruin this weekend.

so - bdg is still sick - jdg thinks he should stay home.  so instead of doing the three boys and leaving bdg at home - i told jase let's switch up and i'll take zrg today and the rest tomorrow (hoping bdg is better by tomorrow.)

feel me? a change in routine and THAT list not getting done and i'm wound up like a fucking top.

i should hate jdg right now - but when we discussing this situation about the kids last night i told him i was watching mobsters on the bio channel (it was the henry hill episode) and he started his henry/karen "why'd you flush the cocaine" impersonation and it quickly faded.  i think jdg just wants the best for the kids (ie bdg getting better) and he's not trying to punish me by keeping my kids from me.

just because at one point in my life my motives were purely self-centered doesn't mean everyone is out to get me.

did i mention i'm going to start smoking? well - that's not entirely true.  but where i work everyone who does smoke takes at least three more breaks than i do - sometimes i even go with just so i can get a break in there and come back smelling liking a smoker and my nose running.

i'm going to start a campaign for non-smokers to get "reward breaks" - a company should reward its non-smokers - who surely miss less work due to illness, cost less to insure and probably/most definitely work more efficiently without all the racing thoughts of more and more nicotine.

OH! i know i didn't mention this one - but someone (and her two friends) walked in my front door last night.  at first they knocked (how polite) but then they just opened the door and walked in.  i was on the couch crocheting and watching the tv and these people holding flowers and food walked right in.  i said - UM HELLO? and they were apologizing that it was obviously the wrong house all the way down the front walk - the least they could've done was leave me some food or flowers.  

now i'm petro that they saw my goods (and maybe the was their modus operandi to case houses) and see where they are gonna get their next laptop, big tv and other stealables. 

GREAT - like i wasn't dealing with enough!

and your bones they feel alive

today i not only got paid but i got free lunch at work.

so the weekend is in my hands and i'm not gonna fuck it up.

i have a million things to do but i'm going to fucking write it down and then i'm going tear though it like nobody's business.

but first some housework, laundry and crocheting this evening.  

tomorrow i got the kids for the day - we're going to stay in because bdg is still sick (it's been a week!) and it's cold here.  i would tell jdg not to bring him out but when he found out i had to skip my weekly visit (due to this sickness) he lost it - telling him he couldn't come when his bros could would be pure torture.

a bake at home pizza, cupcakes from the bakery and showing them the christmas decorations is the plan.

sunday i'm picking up zrg around noon and we're going to come here at watch titanic.  i had to rent it from blockbuster (first i had to join) because my vcr is suddenly not working... wtf.

but zakkary is still kinda obsessed with all things titanic so that's the plan for sunday - winding up the date with dinner someplace.

i have no idea why - my temperature set at seventy (same as always) and it says it's seventy in here but i'm fucking freezing.  is that normal?  i have my robe on over my clothes (time for a snuggi?) and i'm still cold.  i was planning on putting christmas lights around the front door but it's too fucking cold outside to do that shit - i might just nix the lights outside - i'm not really a go-getter when it comes to home ownership.

i wanna hire someone to do everything - but i don't have the money for that AND i feel like a bum even saying it.

someone please remind me to get a snow shovel before they announce the blizzard of the decade.

at work i'm known as jersey - i can say practically anything and the dirty jrz comes out.  my boss says i gotta a little more flavor than virginian girls - i think it's the fact that my heart stays there all the times.

(it doesn't hurt my boyfriend lives there - and if i should happen to die before the boys set up homes i will be buried where my entire family rests - sacred ground of course)

 

which you won't find in me

so.

the kids spent the night saturday - all of them.  the way i worked it out i have all of them everyother sleepover... that way i can spend some time with the older boys still.

and then i have one-on-ones with zakkary a few times a month.

he's gotten to the point where he doesn't really need medicine - jdg tried fo two days but one night he stayed up till eleven (um - it's speed what did he think would happen) - and the second day his teacher wrote a note that zrg was extremely weepy at school and since that isn't typical jason pulled the medicine.

his praise (and praise) to getting no tallies (fuck ups) at school must've felt good because he's been perfect since (almost five weeks).  so he's not an issue at the moment.

and thank god - because the rest of my life is complete chaos.

i have put so many things off (paperwork and stuff) - that now even if i wanted to get it all done it's too late on some shit.  that's why i need my mom! she helps me get refocused on the things i push off daily.

then there's jl.

i mean he knows where i am in this shit - i barely have enough energy to work three days a week - get the kids two/three days a week - keep up with bills for the house, the cars, the insurances, the food, - add the housework, hiring people for the lawn, winterizing the house (must do) - omg... i'm getting sick just writing all that out.

but he knows i have issues so to push me for anything more than just working on this would be a kamikaze move on his part.  and believe you me - i appreciate having so many people in my life (boss, parents, even kids) that are so patient with me.  

i'm not sure if being tagged as a mental patient with all those mentioned was going to work out the way it did - but i'm glad being honest finally has it's benefits.

speaking of benefits he's coming in two weeks.

decide what to be and go and be it.

so last night i watched (zrg at his house - me here) titanic with zrg.

back in the day this kid loved the titanic - all things titanic.  so i remember i bought him the vhs tape but i guess jdg put it on the back burner (if any) and zrg never saw it. so we started watched a few minutes after the iceberg hit (next time we're gonna make a date to watch from the beginning) - but he loved it.  he even got the parts when they'd start with sad music and he'd say - IS THAT HAPPY MUSIC? - knowing full well it was stirring up emotions (in both of us).

he didn't cry because he was so stoked that people actually froze to death - and that it was possible to die with your eyes open (he's sick) to cry - but it was pretty awesome to be there (even if on the phone) while he got to see it for the first time.

they are coming over later - i'm pretty sure jdg is done with them for the weekend... i texted him that i'd pick them up around three or so and he texted back - IF you want them earlier come and get em.  however i need to get some things done today - and three is a good time for that.  

plus i need to get some things together - monday morning i'm headed to bedford for the day.  i have an appointment and to tell you the truth - i haven't been back to bedford since august maybe.  when i wanna see my mom she comes and spends a day and usually a night - and we get some of the errands that i have pushed off done and she gets me things like toiletpaper and paper towels and laundry soap - oh and gel too.

and for three visits in a row we've been hitting wafflehouse for breakfast and that shit is so good i usually can't wait for her to come back.

i brought jl to work last week - and my co-worker called us hipsters.  i'm pretty confidant we're not hipsters - i'm certain actually.  he doesn't have a beard - nor does he wear plaid.  

i still don't own a real pair of skinny jeans (or do i) (or is that even hipsterish even) - but i'm not quite wearing pantsuits or double knits (reference gets you double points) - but i am just getting more and more comfortable with what is.  

you're the color of the colored part of the wizard of oz movie

i'm sad a lot.

things change so quickly - the best parts end and then something else starts and it'll end up being the best thing that ever happened so far and that's basically what's been going on.

i get the boys so much that i sometimes wanna bail and give them back - but that's god giving me exactly what i can handle exactly on his time and not on mine and to question it would be questioning god.

i'm not quite ready for that.

as for love - i fell for jl again.  his divorce/anulment was swift - she didn't object since she was already in love with someone else.  

so jl and i have been doing what idiots do - we listen to love songs - send corny lyrics all day long (the big pink) - and talk about how almost twenty years ago we couldn't love like this and how love finds a way and just like water you can't fight it.

talking about who we were never really happens - talking about our exes reeeeaaallllyyyyyyy never happens - i can't bring myself to talk about the kids much more than i would with anybody else because if i do that then it feels like i'm doing something i swore i wouldn't do since bm.  

sure he knows about zrg - but that's about it.  the things that i hope are between me and jdg only - i don't talk about.  i can't.  

even though jdg and i are getting along better than ever - and i'm grateful for everything god has given me - i can't share the secrets of my life with anybody and when i cry - i'm still only crying to jdg.  

there's something about making babies with someone that you can't undo - not with a piece of paper or time - or even a new relationship (even one you want to work out). 

for some reason jason is the only person that gets the things that i don't even need to say.

about where exactly me and jl are - there's nothing going on like relocating yet - except he did come here a few times... from jersey (i know) it's not that far anyway.  and he has taken some time off of work - the shit with his ex shook him up and at the same time his sister needed him - so he made enough money he said for now and is looking to restart in baltimore.  

for some weird reason i like the sound of that.   

even though (right now) i get my kids three days a week and sometimes more - i can see visiting him and having him here if it was a rva/bal relationship.

i think i gave up blogging for a bit because it's hard to look at yourself everyday - and i wasn't changing all that much. 

now i get this kick of going to work and seeing the sun come up at a different part of the morning - i'm looking forward to after the solstice for it coming up sooner and sooner and watching it all through the trees and how it's just outlines but soon life will bloom again and it'll happen just a few minutes at a time.

but he'll never share my bed

yeah.

the last sentence that was said this morning - was -

"throw the ball at my face!"

and it was a game.

i'm saying - this morning has been my first with all four boys (alone) and it's good shit.  we are cleaning up - well - me and braeden cleaned up and now i'm waiting on laundry (accidents happen) and the dishwasher to finish - then jdg should show up to pick up the twins (they have a social at maymont park with their class! laa-dee-dah!)

and zrg, bdg and me are going to relax and prolly go out to lunch and hit a chesterfield park! i mean do you see what i mean by freedom!

(picture me with half of my face painted blue!)

(the other half is last night's mascara smudged perfectly even!)

so we have officially become a nascar house - bdg likes the number 24 car - zrg and i like the number 88 and the twins like the m&m car! but it had me thinking/wondering/wishfully hoping something last night....

why is it STILL that these southern guys (traditionally that's who racecar driver's are - specifically north carolina usually) marry prolly really pretty southern girls and then hand them 100k and they ALL look the same.  the big boob, big lip, big blonde fake hair women that sit perfectly still during the national anthem and then during the race i'm positive hand their kids off to someone and watch the dollars roll in with each passing lap.

when will a nascar driver, hockey player, basketball star - think that real is better.  maybe an alternative (i have to use that word here) guy with tattoos - i bet they'd make his sponsor hot topic or maybe manic panic and his wife could be some modded girl or just a regular girl.

which reminds me - of me!

do you think it's too late for my coming-of-age story.  yknow - like the real pivotal part of my is still yet to come and it's all gonna finally make sense.  the boy.  the opportunity. 

i wonder what could happen that would shape me even more - but i don't feel like my story is over.

or.

would it be the tragedy (could it get more tragic?) - like a hustler story - or even a money making scheme - i'm saying let the credits roll already.