don't you wanna stay here a little while.

so - yknow how it is.

i'm emo.

my dad's sick.

i didn't get to see my kids for eighteen days because of new jersey - school - work - and everything else that could've gotten in the way.

because i'm a child of god - i know that maybe even that was for the best (not on the top layer though!) - but maybe it took all eighteen of those days to be able to keep it together for any length of time with them. (and i did succeed with that!)

so we all know that i can't seem to just get in a relationship - even long distance with jl.  i'm not sure if anybody will really do it for me - and i don't mean that no one is good enough.  it's obvious that i am not enough for anybody right now.

the other night we were talking - secrets.  the stuff you don't tell anybody - now... don't get me wrong i still have some but i let go of some things that needed to be talked about... stuff about my dad, jdg, kids, doctors, my brain... and he came at me with one.

since none of you know-know him i'm gonna blog it because it fucked my head UP.

he told me he thinks he let his marriage fall apart because i didn't do that last hoorah with him (scroll back to where he wanted me at his bachelor party posts).  i couldn't even go to his wedding - because i was trying to do the right thing and then he tells me that he knew that (wedding) night that he would "hunt" me down again and try this thing all over again.  

truth be told....

i'm an idiot for not taking him up on everything he offers me - i mean we talk more than i talk to anybody.  he's THAT person - he came to my dad's house and parked with me for hours and hours this trip.  i cried and he didn't try anything - even though i am completely vulnerable (see: i even gave stalker at work a second look just to maybe get some attention).  

a backrub was just a reason to be touched - not to have my boobs touched or to even feel the breath of another person.  

here's another secret -  because honestly i added becoming jl's girlfriend to my praylist.

i hope that time god, me, my brain and jl can come together soon and make this happen.