she loves me still

ahhhh.
it's good to be home.
today i got to spend the day with the kids - first the older kids then all of them. we went to a festival where i admittedly lost braeden. it was the longest ten minutes of my life and when i found him it wasn't a really nice greeting - i kinda threw his shoes at him - told him to put them on and that we were getting the freak out of there.
i was past crying - i was so sad that he was gone that it blew my mind when i saw him.
he wasn't gonna take it - he started crying - screamed that he didn't love me anymore and walked off.
i let him.
we both needed time to process what happened and it was terrible. but i found him and other than this one time will i mention it because it was that bad.

tomorrow i'm going to bluefield wv with a friend and on the way home i'm meeting semi-parttime-boyfriend at claytor lake. i'm not sure when we'll get home - definitely not before monday night but prolly monday night or tuesday afternoon. i have a commitment at the church on tuesday so i gotta be home for that.
but we're supposed to hang out at claytor lake - and camp in a pop-up camper. the crazy part - he's gonna be there before me and i just wanna see him so bad.

i got zrg's iep report for next school year.
full inclusion.
this means completely mainstreamed and i am a nervous wreck. zakkary is the only thing i know that makes me complete - it's a total lie when parents say they don't have a favorite. i know when they're all seven i'll love them differently - but he'll be eleven then it'll be different too. he wrote this list of things for me for mothers day - and the teacher started the sentences and it was - my mom is _______ and he wrote pretty.
and my mom is super _______ and he wrote smart.
and stuff like my mom knows everything about _________ and he wrote stuff that i like and then he wrote presidents.
and i just can't imagine if he loses any freedom he's given in the class he's in now. he's able to have that time to be him and to take that away and put him in a cookie cutter class would be a disservice to him (and me)(and you) - he's the only person i know that does that to me.

i remember one time when tm was applying to umass - and he wrote a paper for the philosophy department - it blew me away. you'd think i was retarded on how lost i was but how completely in awe i was of his intelligence. it was the moment in my friendship with him that encapsulated his complete hold over my brain - (he always held my loins completely - from day one).

but to know genius is something many people will never be able to appreciate - sure it's good to be down-to-earth and honest and giving and joke around - but to be able to appreciate that we are smart and to develop that makes me want that for zrg (and the rest of my kids - but they aren't what is changing these days.)

i will be blogging about that as things get closer - like september and so on.
i gotta say that things are getting so much better with jdg. we are talking 50percent of the time about the kids and the other 5opercent we are back to normal. i'm not talking 2006/07 normal - but like 2000/01/02 normal.
it's one of the best gifts of staying clean.

mothers day.

more mother's day.

today. tattoos.

obviously before he was lost.
how happy is that.

more lovin.