i saw a newborn baby with wolves all around it

it's still early - so i can write this.
i have a friend getting married today (i know it's monday) - and i don't know if i can do it. i am trying to get my head around that it's safe - that i will probably know everybody there (it's a program girl/guy) - that i won't 'pull-a-tara' and do something stupid or reckless but i still can't do it.
i got a gift and made a gift and it's nothing like that - i just don't know how to show up to things like this without freaking out for the whole time before and then ritualize it all away for hours after. it's more a pain to go than to not go - honestly.
there was no strict rsvp - so it's not like i'm gonna fuck up the head count if i don't go but i feel like after therapy for the past almost three years (minus a few months for jail and using) - i should be able to put on a skirt and top (prolly a white v-neck even) and show my support for her bond (snicker) to the dude she loves but in my heart i know i will be torturing myself.
it's 7:50 am - i am not going.

so janko tipsarevic is already out of the french. that's pretty brutal - it didn't even matter anyway he was in federer's draw so it was just a matter of time - that guy is just insane. although they are speaking really really highly of nadal - zakkary took me on a bet that federer will beat nadal in the french for a dollar.
i was planning on going to jersey friday-tuesday - but jdg is giving me some memorial day weekend time and i'm way sorry to my dad but i can't pass kid time up.
if i was (any more) insane i would plan my trip up on saturday - leave early - have a date with the kids and then continue on to jersey that afternoon/night.
it's 7:54 - i might do that.

so it's 11:44 am - i'm going to the wedding i wrapped the stuff and picked out a few things to wear - but i don't want to appear to snub her or anything - because i support her and getting married (and having a baby pretty soon i bet) is going to make her feel like a million bucks - how can i not watch that.
and if it falls apart i will be there to support her then too.

and if jdg okays a kid visit wednesday i'll be getting my hair cut too.
plus - tj asked me to go to the lake with him sunday/monday so that kinda trumps getting myself in a tizzy by going to jersey via richmond.

when i suggested to my mom i'm gonna sell my wedding ring she said i should wait and see if me and jdg stay on this side of nice.
i'm not sure if she knows this or not but between the two of us our divorce ran us about fifty grand. that's a lot of money to then admit you might've been wrong.
(note: i didn't say i wasn't attracted to him, nor that he was a lousy lover, or even that i'm not still in awe of his intelligence and sense of humor - cause i do all those things) - so maybe there's hope - i must be high on all that hairspray.
but one thing that is confusing is my dad insists on calling me by my maiden name - and i didn't change my name nor do i plan to. i am staying a graham for the simple fact i wanna have that connection with my kids.

it's now 7:20 and i'm home.
talk about culture shock - this was a real southern wedding - the bride wasn't in jeans but it was pretty down-to-earth which was refreshing and made it all the more comfortable.
picture proof!

me and sharon!!!

me and the bride.

(note my na earrings)

the best thing about being in the south is you can really get away with doing anything and blaming it on being from jersey - so if you make a real faux-pas and look like an idiot - you can just blame it on being from up north and they believe it because they think all yankees are rude and whatnot.
(example was instead of pinning money to the bride *something they don't do anyway* i thought we put it in her bra!) (my backasswards way of touching her boobs *oopsie!*)