but i sail away

ok.
so i am so confused.
i just don't know boys - or what they're about or anything.

needless to say - memorial day weekend is going just fine. i hung out with a friend today and when walking near the river i split the seam in my pants and it ripped from my crotch to the middle of my shin. so i had to walk all the way back to the car with my leg out.
talk about trying to explain that one.

first we saw alice in wonderland and it was dece - i could deal with a day off (tomorrow) - between richmond - work - hanging out with friends - meetings and everything else i do - i need some time off. so i am going to read this book that i have had my eye on and not do anything.
i'll admit i streamed letters to juliet because jlp had mentioned the book and it was semi-decent too.

we went to maymont yesterday - and - by we i mean "we" - me and jdg and all the kids went to the park/zoo. it was originally gonna be just me and the bigger boys but while i was having my hair cut again! (no picture post yet) - i texted jdg and asked him if he wanted to go with the twins because the day was turning out so nice.
and he came.
we had a great time and saw bears, eagles, goat (lotsa goats) and other shits - and then jdg went to carytown with the twins and i went out with the older boys and brought back dominos. and then today when i was hanging out with my friend zrg called and he was hysterical - so i tried to calm him down but i was torn between hanging with my friend and calming my kids.
i was sick.
but i dropped off my friend and tended to them (by the time i called back fifteen minutes later - brae was already grounded for telling jdg he hated him - i don't blame him - i lost my mind when brae said he didn't love me anymore one time)

i'm pretty sure that there some decent tennis monday and game two for the hockey. that first game was weird - but i am fan of goals so it was all good.
the friend i hung out with today is a pretty big soccer fan so i might have someone to watch world cup with.
and since argentina got the sex approval....

a young man breaks away

ok.
i'm fixing to get ready to go to rva - it's finally getting nice out again.
i have that old navy sweater vest thing on - it's long and light... it's cute. we're leaving a bit early because we both have haircuts in richmond at 3:45 - my mom is getting an aveda haircut. i hope they do a good job - she always stays pretty modern and it's always stacked in the back and whatnot but a head/hand massage and free blowout (can you believe they charge an extra twenty bucks for that here) will be icing on the cake.

last night was a friend's celebration so we went to a meeting in lynchburg - na in bigger cities is sometimes pretty brutal but this meeting was exactly what i needed. the sharing was where i am in my program and it just made sense to me. i think that's where you'll find me tuesday nights from now on.
not to mention that i felt pretty comfortable with the friends i went with - two chicks i never normally hang out with and we had fun going and coming.
you never know you need stuff like that until after.

but one thing happened and this isn't to dis my non-recovery/addict friends but when i tell a guy in the rooms that my kids live with their dad he pretty much understands and i don't have to feel like i dropped a bomb on his ass and awkward comments are next.
they get it.
last night i met a few people and what i was doing today came up - when i said i was going to richmond to see my kids it was just like - 'awesome' - because only by the grace of god (my hp) am i allowed back in their life and only by staying clean (& my hp) am i allowed to see them this often. i know i say (write!) it often but my paperwork still says i can see them two days per month - and if you scroll up you'll see i see them just about two days per week.
and that's only because jdg can see that me staying clean and me doing what i have to do to get better is not only making my kids feel stable but him too.
and unless you have been down the road of addiction and you know where it took me (and others) you can't imagine how losing everything is/was the best thing that ever could've happened to me.
and that's not me making lemonade or whatever.

it's too early to be dancing.

i hate to say that i'm satisfied because i guess that means i stop trying - but - it's not like that. i'm just content with how things are - and i miss some stuff but right now i got enough.
and that as you know is perfectly awesome.

when i was using i was a topper - i had more than you, i was always going to be better than you and i had no real use for you.
then i got clean - and i was a bottom-er.
i had it worse than you, i did more illegal things than you, i did more and more and more - and i had to realize it's okay to be me.
just okay with the fact that i have had more than any girl should - more love - more passion - more kisses than a girl can ask for.

today i can honestly say that it's a life that was promised to a girl who was pretty sad for the better part and never expected or even saw it when it was here.
only now do i know how awesomely i was blessed.
end sap.

i went to goodwill after the na meeting and got this really cute hoodie for next winter or a crazy cold summer night - i don't think it's gonna get that cold though even at the beach.
i'm not saying i'm not going to bring it with me to claytor lake this weekend - but i pray/hope i don't need it. we had that week of ninety degree weather on spring break and it never got that warm again.
anyway they have a typical virginia state park beach at claytor lake and we'll probably tent camp because the spots with hookups are already reserved.
that's okay i kinda wanna fish, tan, swim, kill it at scrabble and maybe redeem myself in chess (although unlikely).

edit post: i forgot to say making out.

i saw a newborn baby with wolves all around it

it's still early - so i can write this.
i have a friend getting married today (i know it's monday) - and i don't know if i can do it. i am trying to get my head around that it's safe - that i will probably know everybody there (it's a program girl/guy) - that i won't 'pull-a-tara' and do something stupid or reckless but i still can't do it.
i got a gift and made a gift and it's nothing like that - i just don't know how to show up to things like this without freaking out for the whole time before and then ritualize it all away for hours after. it's more a pain to go than to not go - honestly.
there was no strict rsvp - so it's not like i'm gonna fuck up the head count if i don't go but i feel like after therapy for the past almost three years (minus a few months for jail and using) - i should be able to put on a skirt and top (prolly a white v-neck even) and show my support for her bond (snicker) to the dude she loves but in my heart i know i will be torturing myself.
it's 7:50 am - i am not going.

so janko tipsarevic is already out of the french. that's pretty brutal - it didn't even matter anyway he was in federer's draw so it was just a matter of time - that guy is just insane. although they are speaking really really highly of nadal - zakkary took me on a bet that federer will beat nadal in the french for a dollar.
i was planning on going to jersey friday-tuesday - but jdg is giving me some memorial day weekend time and i'm way sorry to my dad but i can't pass kid time up.
if i was (any more) insane i would plan my trip up on saturday - leave early - have a date with the kids and then continue on to jersey that afternoon/night.
it's 7:54 - i might do that.

so it's 11:44 am - i'm going to the wedding i wrapped the stuff and picked out a few things to wear - but i don't want to appear to snub her or anything - because i support her and getting married (and having a baby pretty soon i bet) is going to make her feel like a million bucks - how can i not watch that.
and if it falls apart i will be there to support her then too.

and if jdg okays a kid visit wednesday i'll be getting my hair cut too.
plus - tj asked me to go to the lake with him sunday/monday so that kinda trumps getting myself in a tizzy by going to jersey via richmond.

when i suggested to my mom i'm gonna sell my wedding ring she said i should wait and see if me and jdg stay on this side of nice.
i'm not sure if she knows this or not but between the two of us our divorce ran us about fifty grand. that's a lot of money to then admit you might've been wrong.
(note: i didn't say i wasn't attracted to him, nor that he was a lousy lover, or even that i'm not still in awe of his intelligence and sense of humor - cause i do all those things) - so maybe there's hope - i must be high on all that hairspray.
but one thing that is confusing is my dad insists on calling me by my maiden name - and i didn't change my name nor do i plan to. i am staying a graham for the simple fact i wanna have that connection with my kids.

it's now 7:20 and i'm home.
talk about culture shock - this was a real southern wedding - the bride wasn't in jeans but it was pretty down-to-earth which was refreshing and made it all the more comfortable.
picture proof!

me and sharon!!!

me and the bride.

(note my na earrings)

the best thing about being in the south is you can really get away with doing anything and blaming it on being from jersey - so if you make a real faux-pas and look like an idiot - you can just blame it on being from up north and they believe it because they think all yankees are rude and whatnot.
(example was instead of pinning money to the bride *something they don't do anyway* i thought we put it in her bra!) (my backasswards way of touching her boobs *oopsie!*)

we were two kids in love

so yesterday i had a really great day with the kids - jess came and honest-to-god/higher-power-time it did not start raining until two minutes after we got the kids in the car. and it poured and poured the whole way home - like wash out gravel driveways (yes we have them here still) - rain.

i have to say and this isn't something i am ashamed of or anything - but the day was not only good because i went to old navy to buy one dollar flip-flops (fail) and ended up getting this pretty button-down sweater vest for three dollars or that the kids were great up-and-until me and jitters puked after the tire swing (i knew he was just like me) but i woke up to this.

sure i edited it a bit - but those in the know (and one in the very recent know) knows what/who that is. to have that one person who you know you'd want to run away with - no looking back - (but probably wouldn't) declare that he still loves you always feels good.
of course it doesn't mean i'm gonna write him - i live in a different state - have kids and have a program that tells me that in my gut i know this is wrong.
and i really know that basing any amount of my happiness on whether i'm loved or not (and this is love and always has been) really should have someone examine my head (any takers?) - but i am destined to probably hold a torch for him for the rest of my life.

rolland garros starts today - (five days rest) then world cup and wimbledon at the same time. i think world cup should've been planned around tennis - i mean it's basically the same kinda fans (if you know what i'm saying) - the time difference to south africa is only six hours ahead (which is way weird because it's like an eighteen hour flight) - regardless - it's bound to be a decent summer of for that shit.

ive never been afraid of any deviation

writing out what i did again would not only be torture on me but on the dude i wanna be with. you guessed it i did it again - that is bm again.
i feel awful because i think i found someone that i wanna talk to - that wants to talk to me and that i feel pretty good about myself with. and i almost traded it in for what i tried so many times before.

i just had gotten home from saying to myself that i need to be treated pretty decently and that i won't settle for less and i was sneaking around - talking about crazy stuff - and acting like the old me by supper that night.
i didn't know if telling tjj what i did would ruin it but it did something different - it gave us both perspective of what we have/could have together. and that to me (just for today) is exactly what i want.
i wasn't sure even that we were on the terms of telling but motherfuck-me it felt like the only thing to do - so i was prepared for whatever he felt he had to say.
needless to say - he was okay with that one time - but said that he would have to think twice before we saw each other again if i wasn't sure about what i wanted.
i told him i had to pray about it - i wanted to be sure i wasn't just saying something he wanted to hear but that on a moral playground i could really do it - and i called him back pretty quickly. he'll be here this weekend. :)

some kind of google-image thing is selected my blog for pictures for people all around the world - the thing is i don't know which pictures it's picking. if it's the pictures that i pick for the topic picture or it's pictures of my kids! but i have hits all over the world and it just leads me back to the labeler - i might be famous somewhere one day.
maybe they'll even write a book about me - and my movie will be out the next year.
i wonder if it'll be rated nr-17 or if it'll go straight to video!

edit post: so about a half hour after i wrote that - the cute kid at work that i flirt with asked me for my phone number.
my higher power likes to show me that he's serious.
am i?

i'm gonna swallow it whole

let's talk porn first.
before i left sunday i watched the latest public disgrace scene thanks to torrentway.
the vid was about jd (duh!) who took this chick to a porn theater and all the people there i guess had the aims test because they all fucked this chick without condoms (bummer).
anyway - on with the show.

i give it two major thumbs down - but a big thumbs up for making me laugh.
first: this was not categorized as pregnant porn but check out this girl - not only is she in a porn theater with her boyfriend (hey - that's awesome) but look again!
she is very pregnant and well - maybe i'm a bit protective of my kids (even in utero.) can you imagine if that kid ever sees this.
it can happen i recently talked to a friend who saw his gf's mom in a porn.
true story.

now - this guy. he is pretty creapy and i don't think i'm the only one who noticed. i mean - look - and look - is that a straw? - and then when jd was doing his deal he had to shoo the guy away - and after he came he tried to come back with that noodle!

i'll leave you with two decent moments.
the day before i watched this i was talking to a friend about blowjobs involving ponytail holding and gagging - and lo and behold what did i find. just that - but this girl was pretty enthusiastic and good at her job.
one other thing that was a thumbs up - jd was asking if she was a dirty slut and particularly if she was a girl that liked to be spit on. i don't know but this has always been a turn on - and he had that pushed out big guy spit on her face.
yum.

i'm home from the lake - it rained the whole time.
i can safely say without any hesitation that i killed at scrabble (3/5) and tj won at chess but i never said my game was any good.
we watched a repeat of the federer match from a hotspot at the lake - i am a federer fan but i am happy with the nadal win. it was weird to see the stats that this was the first time nadal and federer met since madrid last year - hopefully roland garros will be exciting with a 1/2 final.

i promised i wouldn't talk about sexytime but i mean i can't really hold back everything.
even though i told myself that i don't/didn't care about waiting for sex - cause i don't want feelings or a boyfriend or strings - i kinda was glad we waited.
fuck - for all those things.
end sap.

she loves me still

ahhhh.
it's good to be home.
today i got to spend the day with the kids - first the older kids then all of them. we went to a festival where i admittedly lost braeden. it was the longest ten minutes of my life and when i found him it wasn't a really nice greeting - i kinda threw his shoes at him - told him to put them on and that we were getting the freak out of there.
i was past crying - i was so sad that he was gone that it blew my mind when i saw him.
he wasn't gonna take it - he started crying - screamed that he didn't love me anymore and walked off.
i let him.
we both needed time to process what happened and it was terrible. but i found him and other than this one time will i mention it because it was that bad.

tomorrow i'm going to bluefield wv with a friend and on the way home i'm meeting semi-parttime-boyfriend at claytor lake. i'm not sure when we'll get home - definitely not before monday night but prolly monday night or tuesday afternoon. i have a commitment at the church on tuesday so i gotta be home for that.
but we're supposed to hang out at claytor lake - and camp in a pop-up camper. the crazy part - he's gonna be there before me and i just wanna see him so bad.

i got zrg's iep report for next school year.
full inclusion.
this means completely mainstreamed and i am a nervous wreck. zakkary is the only thing i know that makes me complete - it's a total lie when parents say they don't have a favorite. i know when they're all seven i'll love them differently - but he'll be eleven then it'll be different too. he wrote this list of things for me for mothers day - and the teacher started the sentences and it was - my mom is _______ and he wrote pretty.
and my mom is super _______ and he wrote smart.
and stuff like my mom knows everything about _________ and he wrote stuff that i like and then he wrote presidents.
and i just can't imagine if he loses any freedom he's given in the class he's in now. he's able to have that time to be him and to take that away and put him in a cookie cutter class would be a disservice to him (and me)(and you) - he's the only person i know that does that to me.

i remember one time when tm was applying to umass - and he wrote a paper for the philosophy department - it blew me away. you'd think i was retarded on how lost i was but how completely in awe i was of his intelligence. it was the moment in my friendship with him that encapsulated his complete hold over my brain - (he always held my loins completely - from day one).

but to know genius is something many people will never be able to appreciate - sure it's good to be down-to-earth and honest and giving and joke around - but to be able to appreciate that we are smart and to develop that makes me want that for zrg (and the rest of my kids - but they aren't what is changing these days.)

i will be blogging about that as things get closer - like september and so on.
i gotta say that things are getting so much better with jdg. we are talking 50percent of the time about the kids and the other 5opercent we are back to normal. i'm not talking 2006/07 normal - but like 2000/01/02 normal.
it's one of the best gifts of staying clean.

mothers day.

more mother's day.

today. tattoos.

obviously before he was lost.
how happy is that.

more lovin.

the mazes of the underground are no match for him

so i have been having instant message conver-sations with zakkary - and lemme just say that they are pretty freaking good.
i haven't been challenged like that in quite a long time - and i'm pretty amped to say that zrg would almost probably be a great jeopardy partner (if not already).
they are mainstreaming him today - you wouldn't think because of his high intelligence that wouldn't be a problem but that's the only thing i'm semi-worried about. i don't know if i had zrg's brains but i definitely had something going on.
when i entered highschool i was doing senior math -and they gave me my ap calculus ab test in my sophomore year - and later ap u.s. history and government in junior year. those subjects were easy to me - and i probably was like zakkary - a bit awkward.
i remember not having one person to talk to sometimes because of what my brain needed and no one could give it to me.

so when zrg says he wants to marry me - i know what he means. girls his age can't challenge him or understand his brain - we could probably get married in west virginia - or maybe in the ozarks somewhere (note: look into that.)

i watched this weeks sex&submission - it was a jd/tara lynn fox scene and it was a sequel to the spousal training scene they had a few months back. but lemme just say - in the beginning when she's being all bossy and bitchy they are sitting on the couch and just look how jd's size completely ruins the scene. no wonder he can't submit her to such his cock at will - he's half her size.
no wonder i always thought that bigger guys were more attractive - later he totally gets her to really submit and she cries (and that's awesome) but i really feel that maybe a bigger dude (in stature) would get me a bit more into it.

on tuesdays i usually do bedford na at noon and that's the case today - but a good friend of mine is trying to get back in the rooms is going to a different meeting tonight so i might go with her and support her that way.
and this afternoon me and my sponsor will be doing sponsor/sponsee stuff - i am still on this road of trying to get better. without a program to teach me how to handle all the stuff that comes my way - i know i'd be using and probably dying - but one thing is i definitely not having the relationship with my kids that you see makes me this happy.
i'd be trading them in for one more of anything - that's what happens to people like me - i'm not unique.

so caught up in you little girl

i was thinking about that last picture - and beckham is obviously a soccer player - so when he's told to get up and mount the headboard - there's no relation to the pitch there so i was wondering what's going through his mind.

obviously the picture is old - tattoos are a gift for that - but seriously is he thinking 'wtf am i doing?"

(if you're a photoshopper you should totally put me underneath him in that picture)

so it's mother's day - thank you to those that wished me a pleasant one - it was - indeed! i took my mom with me - where i wanted to spend time with my kids - i admit i wanted to spend time with my mom. we had fun - we picniced, played and parked - it was a blast.

i got hooked up too - jericho and vinnie made me bath salts in school and braeden made me a broach and all of them made me (and my mom) cards - oh yeah - i got hooked with a sephora card too (and flowers from my bf(?) wishing he could see me with my kids). double wow.

so that started the day off and flying kites and long kisses goodbye (and um, informing jdg that bret michaels was topical the last couple of weeks or so) to end the day. i give it a ten. but on the way home i was trying to think of the best part of being a mom. and it's probably the worst part too - but my answer would be the surprises.

today while i was wrestling with zrg - he kissed my tattoo on my back and said that not only was i the coolest mom ever but he loved every single thing about me. sigh. but that leaves the anxiety. the day you have your first kid - no one tells you about the anxiety that comes with it. imagine in your head every single moment of every day that bad things are going to happen - the phone rings and your heart just stops. you can't imagine it and then you double and triple and then quadrupole that shit with each one.

and then adding years and that multiplies it too - all of a sudden you're just a ball of nerves waiting for the shoe to drop or for the kisses that come too. unexpectedly - or when they see a dog in the park and they hide behind your legs.

that's the trade off - but it's worth it. then you're driving down the road thinking of the perfect songs to dance to for mother/son dances at their weddings. i never knew any of that before they got here - i doubt that i'll ever forget those seconds before i heard them make those first noises - or found out there were two - or that they all were boys - i'm forever in debt to them and they have no idea.

*that's miss virginia! fuck yeah it is.

i think it's special what's behind your back

so if you put five dudes in a room - i don't know exactly what it is - but i am always attracted to the dude with the biggest nose.
it's true.

i had to do a real kinda mommy thing on wednesday. the new nanny says that jericho got scratched by a random dog - i don't know if i should be more worried about the story or the dog - but anyway - after i gave him a bath his bandaid was soggy. so i took it off and it looked like someone took a biopsy of his forehead. the gash was deep - not so long but you can see that dark meat inside. so after i asked jdg where all the bandages i had accumulated when i had lived there - and the box was gone. so we finally found the butterfly bandages i was looking for - and after jdg and my mom couldn't figure them out (!!!!!) i went down and pulled that cut together. first off - jericho was a trooper and then yesterday jdg said that it had scabbed up that night - so good thing i knew what the hell i was doing or jericho might have a gross scar. oh yeah - the nose thing - what made me think about that is when i was cleaning off the boo-boo (come on - he's three!) - i used bactine.
now lemme say - there is one scent i like almost as much as bactine and it's that eightie's cologne that you can only buy at kmart or cvs or riteaid - canoe.

so there was bm drama - and i pray it's over now. he texted me- we had made plans and then he went off to buy a shitload of pills and didn't answer. so here's my open letter to him regardless if he reads it or not:

dear you,
and you were a real deal and we wound up wanting to kill each other - slowly and quickly. sure the sexytime was good - but again if i slept with everyone that i had a good time in bed with - i'd never sleep again. i have moved on and according to you - you have too.

please don't ever contact me again - i changed my phone number and disabled comments. that's my way of saying - really don't fucking bother me. enjoy your drugs.
and consequences. tara.

so i had a lawyer appointment early in the week and again on friday. my dad's lawyer needs to okay things and plans can get going.
tomorrow is mother's day.
treat yours like a queen.

spend some time in america.

so i'm back from richmond - some awesome - some fail.
while i wait for a cam of anoes to load i'm gonna write down the awesome parts - don't worry i'll write down the disasters too.
so - i picked zrg up earlier than we had planned because i was gonna have to leave around five and i wanted to give the moc.org a proper go and get back to spend some time with my other noodles.

so we got downtown (thanks to the gps) and went straight to the elevator and wound up messing that up - getting back on the elevator with a gang and i admit - i was scared.
i mean my son was holding a confederacy flag.
sure nuff we were fine.

we did the tour of the artifacts from the south's side of the war - including a bunch of r.e.lee stuff (which he loved) - and looked at a bunch of old flags, guns and bullets. he loved that shit - but the tour of the white house - (which for those not in the know *me yesterday*) - the white house was where jefferson davis (the pres of the confederacy and almost a new country) set up camp.

some guy came up to me after the tour and told me that he admires me for not restricting zakkary's questions during the tour - and he had plenty. and not only did that make me feel good but zakkary felt good too.
he was a little sidetracked with a part of the tour that was kind of tragic. joseph - their then five year old - fell off a balcony and suffered head trauma. zakkary was talking about this the rest of the day - i don't think he's ever heard a story about a real boy that died.
he thought even saw some scattered blood.

we made it back to get mcdonalds - and play with the other kids for quite a bit. after i had a moment with jdg where i wanted to clear the air about something - it seems it wasn't even in his head - just mine. so that was pretty cool and instantly i felt this weight lift - so when i got in the car and texted sharon that i did what i intended on doing - and wrote it all out - and even wrote out jdg's reaction:

he texted me back - "um, i think you meant that for someone else."

fuck. how can i be so smooth at some things and totally fuck up the rest.
but like sharon said maybe it was meant to happen that way.
who knows.

another thing was classic - was jdg added his jeopardy knowledge of jefferson davis - he's a jew. no wonder the south lost.


now i'm home and that movie is loading - and i'm eating a pink lady (my fav apple ever) and hoping i can remember all i have to do this week.
ok - tg - stay in today.

that's a banner outside a strip club in richmond.... somethings might not ever change.

let fall the flowers from from your hair

wow.
i haven't put my shit on here since tuesday?
fuck.
i mean i hooked up with kentucky boy tj* - there were some awesome moments and then there were some fucking outrageous moments. i hope/wish/pray he comes back next week. not the weekend though - that's mother's day.

i squeezed work in there too - it was a third shift and i came home and couldn't sleep at all. so i washed up and decided i'd catch some rays. well - my mom woke me up some time later and i wasn't even a cute tan. so today when i laid out i covered my face with a tshirt.

tomorrow is going to prove to be a good day - i am going to the museum of the confederacy in rva with zrg. lemme say something - in the rooms we have a way of introducing ourselves sometimes where we say 'we are grateful alcoholics/addicts' and that's because the twelve steps give a blueprint to living - a guide to spiritual principles that i would've not found otherwise. a strive for a better me every single day -
which brings me back to zrg and this may be me making lemonade out of lemons but fuck - and i know his life is going to be hard (maybe) (but with a 164 iq so far) but i wouldn't change one part of him and if he is who is he because of asd then blessed be.
i have the pleasure of knowing the most intense, cute, funny, original child that the earth has given birth to - and if you believe in anything but our feet on earth then you might be able to grasp that his little soul picked me to be his mother.
and it may be because he knew i could handle it and i could write about him like it was what i was born to do (rinse/repeat).

speaking of rinsing and repeating i have been using teeth whitening toothpaste and rinse - and it says to use twice a day - and you see results in fourteen days. so i was wondering was if you did it twenty-eight times in one day would it make a difference? i mean why not right? well - i didn't do it but i kinda want to. my family doesn't have intense white teeth - but trying to get them whiter can't be a bad thing.
i don't smoke and semi-recently i have been drinking water with every cup of coffee. so i hope it can just get better - after my next paycheck i'll buy the strips and when second quarter dividends post (july 1) i might do the britesmile thing. i prolly will i mean.

i watched iron man 2 - and let's just say i fell asleep. it wasn't my favorite movie to stream recently - all i'm really waiting for is the new nightmare - then i'll be happy.
or happier.