when will all those clouds disappear?

fuck federer - fuck forca portugal.
sports are depressing.

so yesterday i had a bunch of stuff done at the house - it's almost ready - i need a shark hardwood floor cleaner, furniture and food.
the furniture is coming the 9th/10th and the food prolly before that - the shark i'm gonna get this weekend and do the floors tuesday (while having zrg's room painted.)
yesterday the fridge came and john-the-handyman *as it is in my phone* brought jimmy, richard and edwin. everybody either painted or hung doors and smoke alarms - zakkary watched movies and talked to the dudes.
i even hung my first picture.

today i am doing stuff that needs to get done for regular life - car stuff, bank stuff ---- my eyebrows. i hate paying for a pedicure but i hurt my back (kinda) at the house and can't seem to wanna do it... don't fret my nails are still straight but i need to have a day to me pretty soon.

tj is talking beach the first week in august - and that's cool too. i wouldn't mind a few days relaxing at the beach.
i started looking at the spca in richmond and here in bedford for a dog - i know the day i walk into one of those places i'll find one immediately but i am leaving that alone until i am actually out and settled.

being in richmond is gonna mean getting the kids more - but with that back comes the responsibility of parenting. i get to be the cool mom who has them so little right now (although it doesn't seem little) that i never need to discipline them or anything - and yesterday when zakkary opened a box of tacks that i really really stressed not to - i kinda went a little bit off (they were tacks for god's sake) .... and he just cried and cried because i never usually have to do that.
times are a changin - i convinced him no matter what he does either on purpose or on accident would i stop loving him (that's why he was crying) and i asked him to make up a scenario that he thinks would warrant me not loving him and he said something about a hammer and the car and little pieces and well.... i told him i would still love him.
in the rearview i watched him smile.

i'll blog (maybe) about what happened with bm and tm - but as for right now there's no need. i miss one more than the other a lot and i wish things could be really different.
i couldn't understand why things seemed off - but the fact of the matter is i'm really different today - for one that means i can't be treated the way i was and for the other it means i treat people different than he might remember.
or maybe that's for both - either way i am convinced that not talking to them has helped my friendship with tj - he only knows me the way i am - although when snuggling i told him how it can get.