but you're still on my lonely mind

i think i'm slightly embarrassed to admit that i lean more towards megalomaniac than misanthrope. i know that it's not that far of a stretch but other than my kids - i really can't get behind anything.

it was never quite this bad - it's probably a good thing i have therapy today - although that rarely helps.

sure my therapist will probably remind me of all i do invest my time in and that i can genuinely be empathetic and sympathetic but sometimes that's just a cover for the disgust i really have for people.

strangers especially (xenophobe).

but after therapy i am going to kroger and get some protein bars and candy for the kids. i have gotten pretty depressed over how strong my will is to eat candy (i really talk about it a lot) that i'm not even that excited to look for anything for me.

going to the easter vigil will prove hard (that many people in church makes me very nervous) - but it's only the most holy day to go to church and recognize what jesus did for me. i can hopefully get over a little agoraphobia and ocd to show up and show god how much i care too.

i never do shit like that so that other people in the church see how pius i am but that jesus knows i'd show up for him - no matter how uncomfortable.

speaking of church! last night i read at mass - it was a good night. it doesn't surprise me ever on how many people truly turned their back on jesus at the end - whether they wanted to cash in on him or deny knowing him in fear of their own lives.

this was a year in which i was tested on many things - i can remember asking outloud a bunch of times why i was being tested - and my answers came.

not on my time - but truly on hp's time.

one last thing about church - tomorrow will be a complete fast - not only from all things animal but i will eat one small meal and no masturbating.

i'm not sure which will be more difficult.

let's not get crazy.

i keep getting these hits from someone in moscow - the russian federation. cool, eh? i mean maybe some communist wants me for his wife.

К сожалению, я пока не говорю по-русски.