when will all those clouds disappear?

fuck federer - fuck forca portugal.
sports are depressing.

so yesterday i had a bunch of stuff done at the house - it's almost ready - i need a shark hardwood floor cleaner, furniture and food.
the furniture is coming the 9th/10th and the food prolly before that - the shark i'm gonna get this weekend and do the floors tuesday (while having zrg's room painted.)
yesterday the fridge came and john-the-handyman *as it is in my phone* brought jimmy, richard and edwin. everybody either painted or hung doors and smoke alarms - zakkary watched movies and talked to the dudes.
i even hung my first picture.

today i am doing stuff that needs to get done for regular life - car stuff, bank stuff ---- my eyebrows. i hate paying for a pedicure but i hurt my back (kinda) at the house and can't seem to wanna do it... don't fret my nails are still straight but i need to have a day to me pretty soon.

tj is talking beach the first week in august - and that's cool too. i wouldn't mind a few days relaxing at the beach.
i started looking at the spca in richmond and here in bedford for a dog - i know the day i walk into one of those places i'll find one immediately but i am leaving that alone until i am actually out and settled.

being in richmond is gonna mean getting the kids more - but with that back comes the responsibility of parenting. i get to be the cool mom who has them so little right now (although it doesn't seem little) that i never need to discipline them or anything - and yesterday when zakkary opened a box of tacks that i really really stressed not to - i kinda went a little bit off (they were tacks for god's sake) .... and he just cried and cried because i never usually have to do that.
times are a changin - i convinced him no matter what he does either on purpose or on accident would i stop loving him (that's why he was crying) and i asked him to make up a scenario that he thinks would warrant me not loving him and he said something about a hammer and the car and little pieces and well.... i told him i would still love him.
in the rearview i watched him smile.

i'll blog (maybe) about what happened with bm and tm - but as for right now there's no need. i miss one more than the other a lot and i wish things could be really different.
i couldn't understand why things seemed off - but the fact of the matter is i'm really different today - for one that means i can't be treated the way i was and for the other it means i treat people different than he might remember.
or maybe that's for both - either way i am convinced that not talking to them has helped my friendship with tj - he only knows me the way i am - although when snuggling i told him how it can get.

someone like you and all you know and how you speak

so it's 4oclock in the morning - i can't sleep.

all the good teams are passing right though - today though will be a game that if i did have to work i'd take off.

spain and portugal.
holy hottness, holy exciting. except they really should rank and put the groups different - to have two powerhouse teams like that meet in the round of 16 - that just seems way too retarded.

did i mention powerhouse - while cruising the internerd for a pic of c. ronaldo (is it wrong i love his neck) but anyway - there's this huge push for a battle of the bulge in armani campaigns - beckham and c. ronaldo. well - i have one thing to say - they both have beautiful bodies but as a chick solid in my thirties i gotta go with beckham on this one.
i know that personally - i am a much better lover now than i was in my twenties - so i think that c. ronaldo has time on his side.

his bulge by the way is insane.
(i hope no one forgot about freddie ljungberg ck ads - great day in the morning that dude is beautiful)

so everything went fine at the house - after i closed and got my keys!!!!
i went to best buy to buy a fridge but no one was assisting me so i went across the street and got hosed at hhgregg.
i mean i bought the fridge but i also bought all this protection for it that brought the price up by like half. and it wasn't a cheap fridge to begin with. i told the salesman (figures his name was michael) that my brother would be proud - considering my brother is the same man that said he could sell me a piece of chewed bubblegum with a warranty.
sucker.

back at the house i had two contractors come by to price a fix and one handyman - the contractors still haven't emailed me my quotes but the handyman kinda hussled me into getting him to work for me even though i had a man present.

speaking of tj - he was indeed at the lawyer's office but when we did get back to the hosue - i couldn't do it. i wanted to - but i was thinking about getting the house blessed by a priest the whole time - then i still am not sure what room to give the big boys to (the biggest bedroom or not) - and it was like they were watching me. so i figured at the very least the bathroom will inevitably see some action so we got some business done in there before all these random dudes starting showing up.

i honestly didn't know if tj was going to show show - sure i knew - but i didn't know know. you know what i mean?
so just in case i was so nervous with all these guys planning on coming over - i wore my wedding ring. now tj noticed and all and he got it - with those guys coming wednesday to start work on the inside (putting two storm doors up, two inside doors up, painting the babies' room and tearing a chair rail down *i fucking hate those things*) i don't want to be/seem gullible. the ring seemed completely natural to put on.
odd.

in case you weren't following the tennis - 1, 2, 3, 4 are still in it - roddick got knocked out but routing for any american these days seems pointless. for those of you keeping track - that's a sui, esp, cro and sco it's going to be a sui/esp final i betcha - that's how i will refer to all things from now on.

it's 5:03 - i think i need more sleep but it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen. i might get caught up on the hills.

prayer for c. ronaldo.

dear jesus -
please help guide the ever talented c. ronaldo on the pitch today. and if it's your will let portugal win because honestly i think it would be awesome and it would keep me in good spirits.
and while we're at it - please don't let me forget a radio for the house on wednesday - or let me find a pair of speakers.
love, tara

the brightest light that shines

so - that's life.
i mean you didn't expect the us to win win - although when landon donovan scored we went a little crazy (jdg punched a whole in the ceiling) but to be let down later - oh well.
there are some people who don't watch and that's fine but i feel a little part of when i watch.

tomorrow! is the closing - later today (after footie) i will pack the car with it's first load. ;)
holy shit people - it's happening.
my mom is in texas - so she won't be there tomorrow morning to help me 'get through it' - so i was whining (i know) to tj about it and he offered to be there and i kinda jumped on it.
having him 'someone' there - then have someone to go buy my fridge with and the little stuff that it would be awesome to not be alone.
but now it's getting sooooo complicated - he's going to be there. i asked him not to tell me how he's coming in.
cause at first i was leaving even earlier to get him at richmond airport - then i was gonna pick him up at a hotel in lynchburg - and i was getting so confused a pulled a "tara."
it was the first one in a long time - but i was yelling and screaming at someone who just wanted to help me.
hung up, broke up, pick-up'd and apologized.
whew.
so after i almost destroyed that (because frankly he didn't need/deserve that) - i realized it's because i'm starting to get feelings for him and i'm being hurt over and over and over by bm.
i gave and told him i thought that's what it was and as he said - well - let's have that talk.
we're together - and i know it's a distance but with na, and moving and kids, and work and so on i don't have more time for a boyfriend.
he thought maybe getting rid of bm would be hard - because of - let's face it this blog - but when given the opportunity to have a man be there (my man) - it's semi-emotional.

so to make a long story short - he's gonna be in richmond later tonight. and he rented a car to meet me at the lawyer's office - after that i'll do some business with him at the house (wink)(and fuck i'm stressed) and then it's errands, contractors and stuff!

this germany team looks mighty handsome - i don't care if it was a goal or not - england sucks anyway.

one night will remind you

holy moly sports geeks.

that soccer and that tennis is enough to make even me get a little excited - i don't know if it's because i have small boobs like a dude (psst - i think zrg has bigger boobs than me) but all my guy friends called me/tm'd me that the us won in the ninetieth minute of that match. i mean i appreciate it - i was with jdg and zrg and bdg - the twins could've cared less... brae gave his best goooooooallllll! - and zrg paused (that mp3 player might've been a mistake) - and jdg was pretty amped. good times.

then that tennis - who the fuck plays till they are tied in the fifth set at 59! i thought i was seeing things but nope it was real. i mean - that's exciting too. i mean - really cool too. bm and i are kinda talking - i got my feelings hurt -- he was just trying to spread himself a little too thin to fit me in and see me... and when he couldn't it felt like he stood me up but i know how that is. it's like i really wanted to go to a meeting tonight - but i woke up so early to go to the house inspection (it went pretty fucking good if you ask me) - and then a visit with the kids (where we watched that soccer match) - completed a few 25 piece puzzles (shut up) and then i snuggled in broad daylight with zakkary and he loved every single second of it.

so did i.

i think kaka is playing tomorrow - meh.
when me and bm were talking about this dildo we used to have (and he wants to get again) - he asked me who i was going to think about splitting my pussy in two and i - of course - said c. ronaldo. i mean his cock (yknow being from portugal decent) probably isn't clear pink jelly - but great day maybe it is.
and maybe it has two heads.
and you can put in a drawer for most of the night.
and maybe he was in my house last night with the hitachi - at least he was when i closed my eyes.

tomorrow i have therapy (yes, i'm still crazy) - taking sharon to pick up her car - have a meeting in town and work again from seven pm to eleven pm.

god bless money, god bless sexy soccer guys, god bless the day when i finally get my pussy handed over to bm (c'mon i'm serious) and god bless the usa and all the dudes in it.
viva la sodomy.

all the bullshit i can't take

so it appears that you have to route for everybody in the world cup - draw draw draw draw - god. i hate it.
yesterday jdg had said he's not watching it unless the us is playing.... what? eight years ago we would wake up at 3:00am to watch and thus making zakkary - it was a poland/south korea match if i'm certain (meh - poles lost).
it's my opinion that you gotta watch every single match so that you can know what's going on in the groups, the pitch and well - the dudes.
if i was going to make an early pick it's going to be portugal to the end.

not one sexy prk player as of yet.
the only thing i know for certain when vh1 does a recap of this year it's going to be those fucking horns.
one thing i heard this morning was 'that secret communication link' being blocked by the rain - and i thought i was weird with my numbers.

if i could back my pussy up to one man in this world cup it would be c.ronaldo - my god.
my pussy gets wet just knowing he's out there breathing somewhere. he has muscles where there shouldn't be muscles - and that makes a world of difference (not that i can confirm this - yet) - but let's say he has a seven inch cock well that would mean that's prolly about a ten inch piece of meat pounding your pussy walls.

blesses himself, cries and takes off his shirt.
swoon.

i do have a love life myself - i think.
but i am making a public announcement:
i am no longer going to fuck with bm. he is just the most flipsy-flopsy guy that has ever been out there - i mean if we can't get together to get naked living in the same county - how can i ever trust that he'll show up to rva.
no - this means it's over.
seriously.

i have laxed a little with my church commitments - i am not sure why - i don't want to be the type of catholic that starts to experience a spiritual enlightening without knowing who's really behind it all - and that's the trinity - and not a cosmos where anything is possible.

great day - wimbledon starts today.

*edit post - what the fuck was up with that federer match? great day in the morning summer sports 2010*

fuck me.

hard.

that looks a lot bigger than seven if you ask me.

because you're bringing me in and now you're kicking me out again

so don't call tha po-lease just yet but this morning i watched a little of pete wentz on youtube too - some songs live like "mr. brightside" in connecticut a very in your face tm nod - but anyway i watched some of his papp videos while ashlee was pregnant and he was all like "move out the fucking way she's pregnant" -that's super husband like. jdg did shit like that - when you're with child(ren) you always vulnerable so that reminded me of jdg but not really.

i need a set of bunk beds - there are a pair in rva on craigslist but there are no bedrails - it's like jail if you fall off you're fucking done. i don't know if i want my kids to experience this yet!
another thing i took out of their lives before any/all of them need to know is tray lunches.
tray lunches used to be a great way to clean out the fridge - squeeze in a few grapes - veggies - and so on. but once you're food is slopped on a tray (even if it is by the male kitchen workers sticking your "kite" in your mashies) - you can honestly say it's pretty inhumane to eat food like that and that takes all the fun out of it.

speaking of the 'j' word - last year (in 14 days) - when i got home i weighed about twenty-five pounds more but it was a little bit more muscle so i don't know what's better.
i remember putting lotion on my legs and feeling all the definition in my calves and whatnot - but now i'm skinny and my ass is still fat.
i don't think that god wants me to have a little ass - it's this thing of it's own. i often wonder how big can it really be when i can still fit in 4's - smalls and sometimes 2's and i don't mean tight - but i know what i see/feel when i'm naked.
it's fat.

soccer started with another catholic group of men. i was thinking while watching the slovaks noses (shut up) and then seeing the coach: all men get big noses (except my dad - he still has a perfectly straight little-ish but still manly nose - i pray one of my kids get that nose) - but what is ideal is for a man to have the most perfect big nose in his twenties because by god his nose will be epic when he's in the prime of his life.

and now the italians are on - great day that cannavaro is the sexiest mother fucker alive.


btw - we would drop our kites with our trays - in our cups.

trying to forget everything that isn't you

yah.
so i woke up kinda early (5:05) with the sun - and i couldn't sleep and it was way to early to go up to my mom's to weigh myself so i read about a year's worth of pete wentz' twitter and well - when i finally did make it up to weigh myself -
my lowest weight since that really weird weight loss after zakkary.
i go back to my place and lo and behold - i had to p**p. that was another pound - what i'm trying to say here it is an awesome morning already.

if you want to learn anything about soccer - log in to read the commentary about the game either on a app or someplace on the internet - not only do you learn a little about the game but you can improve your grammar as well as vocabulary.
yesterday at work i had to read the entire england match and i gotta say even though it was a few minutes behind it was awesome to keep me up-to-date.

wednesday is the home inspection - basically where they check for termites and bleck - leaks and i don't know... radon? and the next we close on the 28th. i think after that since i'll be in richmond i might head up to jersey to help my dad load the motorhome with my junk and hit up ikea for a few things.
start moving in slowly - the real push in mid-july.

i have decided that tomorrow will start my quest for boxes -today and most of tomorrow i'm going to relax and watch soccer. i have some thing to get straight with the house - but on the house front it's still pretty cool.
on the cool meter i'm at a 1 - meaning pretty fucking cool.

i am sure - fully-sure - that by the 2014 world cup they will have a function on my remote where that buzzing is gone and that fucking fifa promo can be avoided with whatever the national tune is - unless it's of course american!

she ain't got a man but she's not alone

so pretty early this morning i got a phonecall from tjj - he insisted that if it meant any difference he would get addicted to something so that we can have another shot at "something" - when i cut that line - i cut it hard.

so - i thought about it and thought maybe it's too harsh to say he's too "clean" for me - (honestly he's not too rich for me, c'mon) (joke?) anyway - he asked if he could see me tonight - he's on his way to myrtle beach and he thought about coming in for a few hours and ditching his friends for a few hours. i had to work today - 3-11pm - but after really whining to my boss she let me come in 11-7 and i took a shower and we met at the park. he brought me a whole bag of luckycharm marshmallows especially ordered for me - because on our nights together he knew they were my fav - my first thought was how did he know he was gonna get the chance to give them to me but i let that go and just live in the moment.

so we are gonna try this again and even though i'm moving 144 miles further - it'll be my own place and we can try to plan something sometime(s) - who knows but just for today he gave me good vibes. and lotsa marshmallows.
and seventh grade making out.
and ninth grade handjobs.

so the us tied - i mean beggars can't be choosers right now - but at least england tied too. (i took a picture of the marshmallows but it's on my internal memory on my phone, gah)

no matter what i want to thank my psychiatrist too.

(please note: i don't have any plans or work or kids until sunday pm - i wanna go to myrtle beach too)

like a trip through the past

so i am a little confused why are black people playing for germany - or for any team that is not in africa.
that's my view on it.

something i love about
worldcup - when dudes bless themselves. i remember blogging that four years ago - it makes me happy to see guys who love jesus as much as i do.

something that's pretty meh about worldcup - on all the teams that you'd expect to find someone with brown eyes/brown hair there's a tm look-a-like.
i always wondered why i always thought dudes with brown eyes and brown hair were most attractive - it's a narcissism thing. it must be - because my hungarian roots would prove dark/dark and my polish roots would be light/light.
fuck. i don't know.

let's make one more good nod to the wc - i can not stop looking at every single dude with a big nose. great day - all the worldcup magazine covers were sexy don't get me wrong - but if they could have a big nose magazine shoot i might have to retire the hitachi.
is that narcissistic too? fuck.
moving on.

so wimbleton is starting monday - the monumental thing about it - it will be the very last tennis tournament i will watch on my little tv (it's not that bad) but what i'm trying to say is it will be the last time i won't have my own choice of cable and i'll get myself tennis channel junk.

a little more on the house - it's bomb. pictures will follow - it's about eighteen point seven miles (about!!!) from the kids. i will close and become sole owner (note: no bank) on the twenty-eighth but i won't be living there prolly until the middle of next month or so.
my mom is doing the world conventional for aa in san antonio at the end of this month and then vacationing in texas (too hot!) for a few weeks and i need her help and junk.

you want to know what i think true technology would be something to filter out that noise at these soccer games - where i would once say i'd like to go see a worldcup match - i might say no thanks with all that buzzing.
(my mom asked if that was african bees - and she wasn't joking)
(i didn't know the answer at first)

so to make a long story short: i'm dying.
i have been so sick since tuesday afternoon - it started on monday in richmond while i was buying a house (true story) but i have not had any energy since and i have an agent that actually just said to me please don't die before we finish this deal.

i can not eat or drink and but i can sleep. i must've sleep about 20/24 hours the past two days - i just can not get up or do anything.

that's the update.

police have the chokehold

dirty jersey.
so we went and did some more errands yesterday - doctors, shopping, meeting (just me), watched basketball and turned in mighty early.
after lunch with brill - jl called and told me that when i moved to richmond we must meet up. i politely declined - but i had to.
any man that enters my life will get more attention than i can afford to give and i really don't want to take any of the excitement of this new voyage to be shared with any loser.

plus as soon as i have a boyfriend all of my hopes/dreams about spending more time with my kids - well - it goes completely out the window.
in august 2008 - while me and bm were broken up i had gotten an apartment in rva and had most of my shit packed and two days before leaving he asked me to come back and i did.
at the time he said he would do anything to encourage the reunification between me and my kids - and less than two months later we were relapsing every day and night.
and soon after that i went from seeing my kids three days a week to not seeing them for seven months.
so guys don't really live up to their expectation.

you might think with the freedom of having my own place again - (note: i went from my dad's place in 2000, to living with jdg and marrying him and then kids and more kids, to jail, to my mom's, to bruce's, to rehab, to jail and then back to my mom's) - that i would be having 'company' a lot - but it's the last and probably one of the biggest things i'm going to avoid. men are just distractions to me and the longer i can avoid them the better my foundation will be be when i want to invite someone into my life.

if i let one more thing take up any of my day (meetings, baby job, yardwork) - it's going to be a dog.
i'm not going to be a dog snob at all - i am pretty certain i will adopt a dog - hopefully more puppy but it doesn't have to be six weeks but semi-puppy.

when i told zakkary that this is happening he was so happy - he said... quote.... "i waited for this news since you left mom!" if that's not enough encouragement to get past some of my anxieties i don't think anything will.

i got to see my brother about an hour ago -we hung out and laughed and laughed. took pictures and it was good stuff.... another gift of staying clean.
oh - and another gift of staying clean was taking a nap today.
the benefits of having a program and staying clean keep coming.

i'm not the kind of girl you'd take home

so new jersey.
me and my dad went running errands sunday - then we went to shoprite - SUPER SHOPRITE.
i felt the anxiety building in the organics produce aisle - i def was not in bedford anymore.
i miss bedford in that way - actually - i miss bedford a lot.
but we did get tastykakes - i mean we got tastykakes.
krimpets, koffee cupcakes, cream filled buttercream cupcakes, peanut butter kandy cakes, chocolatae juniors - and a philly flyers' box of treats.
can someone say - yummmmmm!

while my dad went to the knee doctor i got my nails done did* - and picked up a box of pictures from my godfather's house.
then i hit up lunch with brill - jl's brother. i promised him since i didn't go to the wedding that the next time i was in jersey i would stop by his store and have lunch.
he showed me pictures of the wedding - i can't believe i didn't go. but at the time it totally made sense.

we went to south brunswick - where my brother just supped up his 2011 mustang with some kinda light package - to get the car and bring it back here.
i was way to nervous to drive it back here and my dad even offered - but even though i am a pretty good driver that kind of responsibility is too much.
we got back and went to the baseball game.
we had a really good time - and there was this group of drunk guys who were heckling the guy in the batter box - and then flirting heckling me.
my dad bucked up and the dudes totally stopped.
thanks - dad.

second row batter's box seats.

there we are!

michael's new car. '11.

instead of leaving tomorrow - and hitting up richmond tomorrow night - i'm gonna leave friday and go straight to bedford. then saturday will be a long visit with the kids.
why the longer visit?
i'm talking houses - i mean i am really talking houses.

*that's how a bedford person - would talk about getting their nails done.

his smile, his anger and his kisses

so.
i was at work on friday and i knew i was headed to richmond and i haven't seen my dad since thanksgiving - so i thought it was only an extra 170 miles... so i packed late friday night and left yesterday for richmond at ten (am) and was in jersey by eleven (pm.)
i made awesome time.

we parked it out and then me and the older two went to the movies and b&n. zakkary used all of his piggy bank - plus a few bucks of mine to get the third diary of a wimpy kid book.... dropped them off and went to plato's closet - got a dress and hit the highway.

now i'm in jersey.

when i got here i tricked my dad and told him i was still at exit 2 - but i was really near his house. i asked him if it was raining (cause i told him it was down there) - he looked out the window and there i was.
we watched rescue dawn and the parts i saw made me laugh - i know it's not funny - believe you me but christian bale was terrible and it made me and my dad laugh.

this morning we are watching the french final (boring) - and tonight there's hockey. tomorrow night we are going to a somerset patriots game (red sox farm team.)
that's the shit i miss with my dad.

here are a few pix of the visit yesterday.

braeden two-hands-holding my hand.

vin in the sun.

that's supposed to be a chin strap.

vin being silly.
and jericho sneaking soda under the table.

b.

me and b after a kiss

one of my mom's roses.

one thing i enjoyed this morning already - weighing myself on the scale that started it all. i might take a picture (photo-shoppy) of it - it's kinda like that thing at your folks that you can't help but get excited over.

oh - and that growing-up-old-house poop.

i'm in jersey.

tangled in hotel sheets

the pauses in writing in this thing doesn't necessarily mean things are good - sometimes they were but this past week it's been pretty much downhill.

that's in my mind of course - life is still happening - and things are still going good.
but here i go and try rushing hanging out with a boy - and it backfires.
the whole time i knew me and tj couldn't last he's "too" for me (rich, far away, clean) - and i thought that a dude in the program was the fastest quickest answer to keeping me happy.
but that too is not the answer - or at least with this person it wasn't.

there is no quick fix for this girl - you know.
i'm made up of at least two million parts and i need that someone to want to know those parts and not to put them together but to watch me, hold my hand and to encourage me when times get rough.
maybe someone who would watch me as i try and figure zrg out - to say it's okay and to ask him questions and know what he needs when i can't move because of fear.
to tell vin that he need not be as big to beat jericho up and that the world will not always seem so big.
and when i talk about my parents like they are the most important people in the world - to understand - even when they aren't around.

there's the men's semis on - right now - but i still don't have the tennis channel and i gotta wait until eleven. how do people do this?
i wanna do a roland-garros.com update and see - especially because i will be working for the better part of the nadal match (how did federer knocked out in four sets remind me) - but i guess it's how it goes. i swear this shit won't last.
things to do:
figure out how to listen to it on the itouch.

i'm trying to figure out what to do with the kids tomorrow - the quicker i get to richmond the less i have to think about this stuff. the best part of not going yet - having my people here.
but i know one thing for sure - just because someone lists kierkegard* in their facebook profile doesn't mean they know anything i don't.

*spelling completely intentional