inside out i can't describe it

so jlg got married last month - i was in such a pickle about what to do with him that i didn't go to la because i thought about that would make me feel (like if i was marrying him) - and i stayed here in bedford and minded my own business.
now someone in my life thinks that messing with tjj is just as wrong.

okay....
1. i don't really need opinions - but i can't pick or choose which topics i'm going to take suggestions on. i post often that my decisions got where i ended up - and i welcome suggestions. so i had to take a look at that and the only thing and this isn't me justifying/rationalizing or anything like that but - i still don't want a relationship - i would be fucking with bm but he couldn't tell me it would just be us and i don't want his dick smelling like bargirl pussy when i see him.
2. i already got my favorite new panties picked out. it's sorta a done deal.

tomorrow i have the shrink - my file from my therapist is there. a few weeks ago i looked in my file while i was waiting for her - and she walked in. i wasn't looking at something that's really personal - i mean it's mine. so she sat there and kinda looked while i read some things i wasn't sure i had but always thought might be words that would one day define me (or i might define?) - either way - that's the sorta thing that someone new (ie boyfriends) might need some time to digest.
i know i would.
but - and however - i am not just sitting here with these diagnosis(es) - i'm trying to get better or is it not get worse!?
whatever the fuck - i am not going to get involved with someone without them knowing a little about me.

right now - that's a mom that sees a shrink - stage five clinger recovering addict - horny crocheting capricorn who's reading at church tomorrow night.
if you can't get a feel for me from that - well - read on.
or go away.
or call me.

you say that love is won when you get some

i had this whole blogpost about my plan to wait when i meet up with kentucky boy* this week - a whole new way of thinking of unprotected sex (ie to never do it again) and a timeline for these kinds of things.
but why should i even try to kid myself. i'm gonna pounce on him the minute i see him.

but then logic kicks in (or tries to) and i think i do not want any kinds of diseases. i think my first instincts and intentions were always to have protected everything - but let's be honest:
1. i don't like condom sex.
2. i'm fixed.
so i mean it's just how the heat works or whatever happens - but i always do this whole - "why did i do that?" the next day/that night! so i am going to put a clothespin on my pussylips and hope that slows me down enough to think logically.

who am i kidding.

i was back in richmond yesterday. the kids were good but jdg was exercising the whole time and let's be real i was thinking about that a little. let's just stay honest - i'm obviously horny. we talked about thomas jefferson (zrg's fav) and him prolly banging the slaves out here in poplar forest (ie his vacation home).
so it's been sex on the brain the last week or so.

get it together tara!
after the visit i stopped by plato's closet and got this pullover for summer nights and shit. it's cute and light but just right for windy walks. and then i got my favorite toasted veggie sandwich at sheetz (think wawa of the south) - and got home in time to watch terrible internet movies and an update on an old 48 hours mystery.

today i'm making some important (legalish) phonecalls. and hitting a meeting tonight - even though dancing with the stars is on.
fuck you - i like it.

*tjj from now on.

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep

so i was talking to tm the other day - and i quoted jack johnson and he was like ... "when did you stop liking good music?" - hehe. i don't know if i'm getting old but i was always a folky-type of rock n' roller - except when of course i like hairbands. but i am doomed to be a fan of singer/songwriters for the time being anyway.

i saw the kids thursday and then yesterday i went all over lynchburg (including the scarier parts) looking for that doctor's office and found it just in time to hand in my paperwork before i had to get back and go to work.
where i had a semi-emotional breakdown that led to tears and lots of crying - and then that all led to my boss coming over this morning to see what she could do... (ie tell me that it was inappropriate and awkward for my coworkers and to keep my shit together while at work!)

today i am heading out to a process-type-thing for na. a new book (not the na book) but a book about life in recovery is being published and we have a meeting here in bedford today where we can attend - and well - we become the them who edits and puts suggestions into place. being a part of - i guess.

ok - i love this picture of me and the twins.


and this!


brae took this - two days later - a cut and a blackeye
(thanks to vin!)

i haven't been talking too much porn - well just because my subscription to sex&submission has expired does not mean i'm not getting my rocks off. i finally got to watch all that bundled porn i downloaded in preparation for this down time - and i still torrent about three movies a week - so i'm not going without.
but - since i'm not having sexytime with anybody right now i thought i'd say just a few things about my own sexytimes:

1. i have been trying to grow a little pubic hair in - it's about the size 2 1/2 quarters kindof in a little triangle patch. it's not bushy at all but like a two clip.

2. this is my favorite position to be in (not necessarily to watch porn - when i watch it i like anal and a lot of bondage)

3. i have my eye on this wooden anal plug. stay turned.

fo-shizzle.

edit post: i created a new link for the picture after it was forbidden!!!?!!! at imageshack - but after looking at it. there is nothing pornographicze about the picture... no boobs, dick, nothing - there are two things that my eyes go to first!
her shoe and the arch in his back.

but i'm bound to lose 'cause i'll be damned if time don't win

so - i have been in that ditch.
the one where i never thought i'd get out - but i did and it took me actually getting out of bed.
who would've thought it?
in the last few days i have been over the moon and i dug that ditch within minutes because i got up in my head and didn't tell anybody about it.
once i did -- i knew i had to do the footwork to get out - and by-gahlee it worked.

now i'm headed to richmond to see my kids with my mom. i know i always blog about it but to watch them together makes my heart smile beyond words or even smiles.
i went to rva on tuesday for a play that zrg was in - and i needed that to cement the idea that i need to be in richmond asap. he was introducing me and jdg to his friends as his mommy and daddy - and we even went together (no - i have picture proof). if i wasn't there - i just don't want to ever not be there again.

forget about vin in this pic - but look at zrg's drawing of thomas jefferson
and monticello on the magnadoodle

my youngest.

proof!

can you see him?

beams!

brae's into self-portraits!

he's four!

there's a magic in the air that i don't want to talk about yet - but i can say that i am actually walking with my head held high - that who i was isn't who i am and i'm going somewhere. i want the world to enjoy my ambition and to wake up - this is life.
right now.

now.

lonely, i guess that's where i'm from

soooooooo tired.

i have managed to wake up but i didn't want to. i thought if i slept till tomorrow that maybe i would've - a. caught up on sleep, b. less emo and 3. felt better in general.

i'm not saying i don't feel good - between hanging out with my kids yesterday; the bittersweet feeling when vin cries when i leave and um - meeting a guy (kinda) i had a really really good day.

we went to see doawk and at the second-to-last-minute zrg had a change of heart and let brae come. that was sweet - although it really wasn't a movie brae could get in to. zrg loved it - he finished the book a few weeks ago so he was really really into it. he knew all the parts and that made this mamma proud.

then we went to barnes/noble and i got zrg a book about the presidents and brae a batman/joker combo - that bn is most definitely in the heart of henrico where i have gotten in trouble over and over so when they tried to leave the store without paying - all i saw was blue lights, social services, tray food and courtrooms - i told them we had to pay like it was a foreign concept.

and then we hit up friendly's - those kids made me laugh and laugh. brae is finally at an age where he can stand up for himself and zrg likes to be hit (kinda) so it makes for a win/win (sometimes). we had dinner and ice cream before i took them home and went in to dress the babies after their bath.

yknow - vinnie is sometimes my most favorite kid in the world (1. i know i am not supposed to have favorites but i do. 2. i know you thought it was always zrg but it changes everyday) - but he really really loves his mamma and when i take the big boys from the park to wherever and his dad comes he cries and cries - and yesterday he cried when i left for the movies and i know i shouldn't think that's a good thing (like ever) it makes me feel like vinnie is "getting it" - and well that puts him right up there with zrg (see - somehow i knew this would turn full circle to zrg) :P

and the dude.

after i dropped everybody off i went downtown to see this chick who has rented space for tattooing. she does custom work and is booked up till august - so i thought i might try and get a spot and lo and behold - i got a spot in october! fuck.

anyway i was talking to this dude who just got a piece and it was beautiful. he came from kentucky to get it - and he was going home today. he opened the conversation up further by commenting on my visionstreetwear tshirt (something jdg commented on too) but he asked if we could text or something and it hasn't stopped.

he told me that i would be sick of him because he's a world champion (aka stalker) texter - i told him he might of met his match.

i'm worried about him though - he has read every single page of my blog on his drive to bedford kentucky.

weird right.

as i pretend to feel no pain

so.

today i not only have a million things on my "to-do" list but i gotta pull an all-nighter at work. this is okay - because with the money i'm making i'm not shopping (too much) - instead i'm spending it all on my kids and fuck - does it feel good.

i mean it does feel good.

there's something you learn in the rooms of aa/na - it's that we don't have to be a doormat any longer. i can honestly say it's been at least a year since i treated anyone like i can come and go and you will have to be okay with that.

i don't say things that hurt people and think the next day it's just gonna be 'okay' - when i was using i know i did this and i expected you to constantly forgive me without me ever uttering the i'm sorries that you deserved.

it was what it was.

but today i don't have to be grateful for anything less than what i give you. i'm not a second class friend and when i get treated like that i can say - NO - i will no be that kind of doormat any longer. if i hang out for that shit i stop being the victim to you and instead i'm your volunteer.

i have to go get the paperwork for the new shrink - i think i have been talking about this for tooooo long. i'm so reluctant to change though - i need to talk about it for months before ever making an attempt to get in the process.

going in and getting the paperwork and then getting accepted to this doctor is it's own process - so if i want help (and i do) i need to make the first step.

i got therapy at two and i need to stop by victorias secret - i got a pair of underwear and the color totally is not me. i know that sounds weird but picture light green/bright yellow on my skin.

i know - what was i thinking?

and you always seem outnumbered

so i worked the smallest shift ever - three hours. but that'll pay for me and zrg to go to see doawk this weekend and have fun (oh, and yeah, we'll sneak brae in).

so braeden has middle kid syndrome - the other day he even referred to himself as "medium" - so while zrg really needs some of his own attention i can't ignore braeden in the midst of it.

i think i might be more willing to take brae if during the previews he didn't always ask - "is it ova?"

did i mention how much i love that nudge.

someone should remind me no matter how hard i try i'm never going to get all my makeup off without makeup remover. i wear entirely too much black to get it off with soap and water - and fuck noxema that shit doesn't work for anything. it makes my face smell a little like aveda but other than that i think i might be allergic to it.

i have church tonight and a meeting where a gooooooood friend is picking up nine months clean. any amount of clean time (for this addict) is a success - i can remember those first few days and never thinking i would string so many together. and i know i'm not unique.

so watching a friend string together nine whole months is pretty fucking awesome. i share a lot with her and i know she was right there with me (in the pretty fucking fucked up category) so i am going to support her tonight and get that reminder that i can do it (err - we can do it!)

one says she's a friend of mine

so.

my dad is coming to bedford this week - it's time to have "the talk."

plus i miss him.

since i got on here last i saw my kids a few more times during spring break - i brought a couple friends along - that's a big help plus i get some decent recovery conversation on the way down and back.

i know that people who knew me before i came to bedford prolly have a hard time realizing what is actually going on in my life. the twelve step programs don't just keep me clean - cause to tell you the truth i don't even wanna use anymore. if it happens it's a fleeting thought and i can't tell you the last time i had one.

but what it does do - is help me when i wanna - react. i don't have to show my ass everytime i get angry or pissed off - there's a saying - fake it till you make it. and you can take it anyway you want - but i didn't react like i would've or even how you might've expected me to. and guess what it's a few days later - and i don't give a fuck.

it's not my problem to explain things - it's yours to try and figure out now.

spring is back and thank god for that too - i was really not ready for ninety degree weather.

jess and vin

the bubs.

jitters.

my munchkin.

if i did a control + f and read how many times i swore off bm i would probably not think it was as amusing - but this time i think i mean it. this time i did it for the greater good of my sexual health. i don't wanna fuck someone that might/prolly is fucking someone else and i'll ruin my streak of no std's.

i don't want a dude in the program - i know that much. but i definitely don't wanna be fucking no dude who is gonna be talking about how many roxys he took the night before.

dear god - please send me someone normal and preferably taller than me to be my pseudo-boyfriend and hiking partner.

thanks a mil.

tlg

a band is blowin' dixie double four time

i think i heard it when i was young - but the saying -

eat breakfast like a king - lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper makes sense. and i do it for the most part. i usually eat two breakfasts because i get hungry overnight and whatnot.

i indeed went shopping today - it was not too bad at all. i got a jack johnson tshirt at goodwill lynchburg and a white v-neck shirt at pac sun.

i even turned my friend's niece into liking vnecks but little-er people are easily swayed.

i'm typing this now because my priest took off. he took off the week after holy week so there are no daily masses. i wish someone would've reminded monday morning and then again tonight when i rushed through dinner.

i am praying the divine mercy chaplet to mary - and it feels good to not really have this let down after holy week. i am more of a mary girl myself anyway (don't tell anybody!).

the best part of today was an email from jdg that i got. we have been working on some things that are in the best interest of the kids and have come to a few decisions on our own. this is good because we don't have to go to court over every single minute or thing for them and not only is that way cheaper but it shows that we both just want the best for them.

i don't know that i could've been as mature as this with any other person. i know people who treat their kids as friends and that to me is the wrong approach - i happen to have made kids with someone that feels about parenting the same way i do.

even though i can't live with jdg nor was our marriage completely ideal - but the fact of the matter is - our kids come first.

oh - and we totally still joke about all things pop culture.

she told me i'd meet girls like you

there are a million things i need to do tomorrow.

one of them is getting some sun.

i am going to take a little bit of time to soak up the sun - and possibly add some color to my pasty body.

i have not been shopping yet. honest to god.

there's a belt buckle i want and i wouldn't having more v-neck white tshirts (my 2010 staple) - but other than that i have plenty of everything.

i am taking the daughter of a friend out shopping (wednesday) to a couple thrift stores and then lunch but other than that i have no immediate plans to spend money.

and nothing for nothing but to mock me for liking to shop is like me mocking bm for playing videogames. why the fuck do you care? nobody on this blog lives with me and i don't really need to explain myself to anyone anyway - so fuck it.

i do pray for those of you still addicted - just because you don't have consequences from your addiction doesn't mean you're getting away with it. i can remember, for this addict, thinking and praying i could stop - convincing myself i could go *this long* - then i'd end up high and wonder what the fuck happened?

i was a slave to it and the point is freedom.

this morning the first thought outta my head wasn't what i'm going to - or where will i get it from - nor was it the last thing i thought about last night. if the program gives me just that - i would never be able to repay it.

the best way i could describe the whirlwind with the house. is just that.

someone wants me to take advantage of this house credit - but i think i need to rethink what eight grand is worth as far as serenity.

in the spirit of not having any more decent porn after friday - i torrented some publicdisgrace - and good god i love that site. i think that free porn turning into free porn will be a smooth transition afterall.

it's such a magical mysteria

it's calling pruning.

it's cutting back on the bad junk in your life so that there is room for posi to grow.

that's what happened with yet another friend from my old life.

i am not trying to be better than or anything like that - i just need room to not feel so enslaved to people. i think of it as self-preservation.

if i'm checking my email, looking at my phone or hoping for you to sign on - i gotta think of my motives and then decide what to do.

i got exactly where i am by my own decision making - so that's why today i run pretty much that big stuff past someone i trust - and hopefully hear what my hp wants me to.

easter was pretty awesome. i forgot the battery to my camera - but the easter egg hunt was a success. vin turned out to be the big winner - i was way surprised. and then we ate a bunch of candy, drew on the sidewalk (and house), zrg told me that no matter what we were getting married - brae still doesn't think it was a good idea (afterall i don't wear white dresses) and the twins were pottytraining.

saturday night i went to easter vigil - and sat with the host for a little while. giving time to jesus and trying to be better - for me - and it gave me some calm.

then i went to a friend's house to watch wv lose and then sleep and back out to church before rva.

i gotta say though church has taken it's toll this week - but i know if i don't have a part in the relationship (see way above) it won't work out. you gotta put into a friendship in order for it to work.

i don't see the wind - but i do see the leaves blowing around. my hp is ever reminding me he's present in our relationship - the miracles that work out daily and the gifts i receive is a direct result of my prayer and proof that he's there.

i may not see the wind - nor do i have a choice in where i'm going to be blown but to recognize the gifts and to enjoy it everyday - is enough for this chick.

our dreams, and they are made out of real things

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the hurt doesn't show

i was eating a cornbeefed sandwich for lunch (yesterday) and a few things occured to me:

1. i love cornbeefed. next to pickles and oatmeal (not together) it's my third favorite food. first cut cornedbeef of course is good - but regular round cornedbeef is mighty tasty too.

on some rye bread with some cole slaw. my god.

2. whenever i'm eating it i feel like a cannibal. it looks kinda like human flesh - and when i am chewing it i feel like it's flesh too.

but i still love it.

i am speaking like this because of course i'm not eating meat today - i don't know why it sounds so good to talk about meat like that.

but i am so cocksucking hungry.

because it is the last day of lent - i'm going to send out a personal sos.

dear you,

i see you've been looking at my blog. i wish saying 'i miss you too' would be appropriate but i think 'please go away' is more fitting.

i love you beyond any words i could come up with but you keep fucking with my head.

you have tainted that good guy image in my mind and i no longer mourn for what we don't have.

instead i mourn what we did have and i pray that we can both let it go now that it's like this.

i hope have you have a blessed easter and that your journey is a safe one.

love,

tara

if you knew all the heartache that preceded that it would be enough to drown a small planet - but sunday is about rebirth.

i can do this.

but you're still on my lonely mind

i think i'm slightly embarrassed to admit that i lean more towards megalomaniac than misanthrope. i know that it's not that far of a stretch but other than my kids - i really can't get behind anything.

it was never quite this bad - it's probably a good thing i have therapy today - although that rarely helps.

sure my therapist will probably remind me of all i do invest my time in and that i can genuinely be empathetic and sympathetic but sometimes that's just a cover for the disgust i really have for people.

strangers especially (xenophobe).

but after therapy i am going to kroger and get some protein bars and candy for the kids. i have gotten pretty depressed over how strong my will is to eat candy (i really talk about it a lot) that i'm not even that excited to look for anything for me.

going to the easter vigil will prove hard (that many people in church makes me very nervous) - but it's only the most holy day to go to church and recognize what jesus did for me. i can hopefully get over a little agoraphobia and ocd to show up and show god how much i care too.

i never do shit like that so that other people in the church see how pius i am but that jesus knows i'd show up for him - no matter how uncomfortable.

speaking of church! last night i read at mass - it was a good night. it doesn't surprise me ever on how many people truly turned their back on jesus at the end - whether they wanted to cash in on him or deny knowing him in fear of their own lives.

this was a year in which i was tested on many things - i can remember asking outloud a bunch of times why i was being tested - and my answers came.

not on my time - but truly on hp's time.

one last thing about church - tomorrow will be a complete fast - not only from all things animal but i will eat one small meal and no masturbating.

i'm not sure which will be more difficult.

let's not get crazy.

i keep getting these hits from someone in moscow - the russian federation. cool, eh? i mean maybe some communist wants me for his wife.

К сожалению, я пока не говорю по-русски.