i don't know what to write.

heh. ok.

if you care i'm boring even on twitter.
@mamma_graham
blah.

i've tried to teach you well son

so. irene.

i am writing this from jason's house - where i might be staying until i get power (see dominion power's twitter tomorrow but it might be up to a week for restoration to my side of town).

awkward.

last night it was me and the kids doing the storm - riding it out - the trees were landing on the wires and only with one bad band of the storm to go (so says people that had power) we lost power and now i'm in the weeds.  trees, leaves, branches, trees - everything in the yard.  my mom knows with it just being me it'll be a big job - so she said get someone to do it (i take that as i'll help you pay for someone to do it!) - but i have been wrong.  either way at least i'm not expected to clean up all that shit up myself.

you know that saying when you got it bad - there's always someone who has it worse. well - my neighbor not even thirty feet away has a hugh fucking tree in her playroom. now - the storms done and you have to deal with regular yard cleanup - but now insurance companies, people to take away the tree, replace the fence, rebuild the room and she's pregnant - thank you jesus for sparing me that kinda aftermath.

i've been watching true blood via jase's hbogo account - but tonight it looks like i might be able to watch it on a real life tv and see it bigger than seventeen inches.  how did nine episodes pass so soon? with only three episodes left i don't think there's much left to look forward to until christmas or maybe even next season.  

so far today i've had breakfast and lunch with jase and the crew - i've read the daily readings with vinnie (and even kinda taught him the sign of the cross), read the regular sunday blogs, took a shower in my old shower (yes!) and re-watched last weeks episode of true blood in prep for tonights live run.

i've been anxious to spend some more of my dad's money and since jdg wants the blue bullet - i'm looking at an acadia on tuesday. the tattoo might be something i was putting off because all of the dreams i have of my dad include him wanting his money back - (my mom is high on in his list in my dreams - she really can't spend a dime) (he's totally pissed at my bro for spending all my dad's money) but me - i spent a little and i can't give it all back.

i bought a necklace off etsy - got a pair of keens for the winter - and i got a battery for my watch outta that account. the rest of the money isn't going to my retirement (see: my mom has that).

happy money.

and all i ever wanted to feel was redemption

so.

it's been awhile - i guess it's just better to stay in the moment.

me and zrg went tubing down the james river yesterday - i couldn't have gotten more than a 1/4 a teaspoon of water on my new camera and the screen is completely fucked.  that's gotta dry right? eventually? but the camera is taking pictures and i'm able to see them - there's just a big water stain in the screen (i'm talking about a really new expensive camera here).

don't be thinking i've taking "dead-dad money" and going crazy here - my dad kept his word and everything really did go to my mom.  me and michael split two accounts - he got a new corvette, his new chick veneers, a bunch of junk, divorce/criminal lawyers and probably a lot of wine (note: no wacky tabacky - he totally quit.  so what it's for court and stuff - that's major.)

me? i haven't spent a dime.  i can't.  i have plans for a little and consolidating the minivan and the civic for one car/kid car but i can't do even spend a few hundred bucks on a tattoo - one that is devoted to my dad - fuck, even one that isn't.

everytime i go to dial the number for the tattoo shop i'd go to - i hear my dad telling me that getting a tattoo would be the exact opposite of what he'd want me to do with the money.

i know this sounds stupid but i'm hoping he comes back and i can give it back to him.

so the younger three are out of preschool - and camp hasn't started yet - so they have a lot of time.  i have been taking advantage of this and keeping kids from saturday am until wednesday - thursday afternoons and sometimes a one-on-one with zrg on friday nights.

which reminds me of my dad - getting this house was really to try and convince jdg to give me unsupervised visits - working up to sleepovers (if and only if my mom was here) to where i am today.  he would've been so proud of me for a. not fucking this up and b. being honest and kind to jason - it's NOT flirting instead it's doing what people do and not keeping the past from making today so much better.

don't you wanna stay here a little while.

so - yknow how it is.

i'm emo.

my dad's sick.

i didn't get to see my kids for eighteen days because of new jersey - school - work - and everything else that could've gotten in the way.

because i'm a child of god - i know that maybe even that was for the best (not on the top layer though!) - but maybe it took all eighteen of those days to be able to keep it together for any length of time with them. (and i did succeed with that!)

so we all know that i can't seem to just get in a relationship - even long distance with jl.  i'm not sure if anybody will really do it for me - and i don't mean that no one is good enough.  it's obvious that i am not enough for anybody right now.

the other night we were talking - secrets.  the stuff you don't tell anybody - now... don't get me wrong i still have some but i let go of some things that needed to be talked about... stuff about my dad, jdg, kids, doctors, my brain... and he came at me with one.

since none of you know-know him i'm gonna blog it because it fucked my head UP.

he told me he thinks he let his marriage fall apart because i didn't do that last hoorah with him (scroll back to where he wanted me at his bachelor party posts).  i couldn't even go to his wedding - because i was trying to do the right thing and then he tells me that he knew that (wedding) night that he would "hunt" me down again and try this thing all over again.  

truth be told....

i'm an idiot for not taking him up on everything he offers me - i mean we talk more than i talk to anybody.  he's THAT person - he came to my dad's house and parked with me for hours and hours this trip.  i cried and he didn't try anything - even though i am completely vulnerable (see: i even gave stalker at work a second look just to maybe get some attention).  

a backrub was just a reason to be touched - not to have my boobs touched or to even feel the breath of another person.  

here's another secret -  because honestly i added becoming jl's girlfriend to my praylist.

i hope that time god, me, my brain and jl can come together soon and make this happen.

easy come easy go

so - there's this dude at work. MARRIED DUDE. UGLY DUDE (to me).  he just grosses me out and guess what? he has a crush on me.

he claims he needs 'tara fixes!' and hunts me down and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

well - yesterday i couldn't even show up to work because my agoraphobia was so bad i couldn't make it out the front door.

my mom says it's my inexplicable and unfounded fear of men and i might be blowing this out of proportion but i doubt it and i told my supervisor.  note: i didn't tell my boss who would tell his boss or some shit - instead my supervisor is gonna say - "name, you really gotta  back up off of tara. you constantly hunting her down, TOUCHING her and making comments that are really not work appropriate - NEVERMIND you're fucking married."

she was going to say it today but he wasn't in - monday.

i'm picking up some greensheet work and working tomorrow for a few hours. shit - i need the money. i had two kids birthdays in the past month and i have two more this week - that's twins for ya!

besides i needed a few things for myself so i dug deep but i guess that's what savings is for (not real emergencies that come with home ownership.)

another thing about the whole "DUDE" situation is i'm still not ready for a relationship.  believe you me - if i was i have the greatest guy in the world who tells me daily that he's waiting for the green light but i can't get over how bad relationships hurt.  bm and tm totally killed my heart and i don't think it would be fair to my kids to set my soul up for something that could potentially kill me and take me away from them (figuratively and literally.)

it's like when we (jdg, me, zrg and bdg) went to kings dominion last year - there was no line for that ride where you get on and it raises you 500 feet and let's you go - i had two thoughts - one) why don't i show the kids how cool mommy is and ride and watch her fall then while at the top i thought - two) you fucking idiot you can't do this kind of stuff once you're a mom - if you do die (having fun? - see my full circleness here?) you'll be an idiot forever.

getting in a relationship would be like getting on a ride like that - except it doesn't have any safety nets or magnets involved - it's just me... full steam ahead for a brick wall.

my dad is doing what dudes who have cancer do.  he's going to radiation everyday.  he's losing weight.  his hair.  that sorta stuff... but he has high hopes.  his doctor is making plans for june and with radiation ending the end of this month - that means he might get to richmond and to see the kids. 

and that was in my hopes the whole time.

the man in the moon

i'm thinking of changing the name of this blog to my journey home.

every day i'm having a journey home - from work, or jase's, or the mother/son sweetheart ball i took bdg to, or even new jersey - where i just was.

so friday night i took bdg to this dance - and we totally got gussied up. heels and flowers and ties and dresses  - we danced and ate and we totally made a memory. 

i think.

then saturday i headed to nj.  it's not good - believe you me.  it's actually really bad but i keep getting a few different "talks" - one is where i am not to bury my dad before he's dead.  i shouldn't be so sad while he fighting so hard - there's gonna be enough time to cry when things change.  right now - he's fighting super hard and i was able to the hospital and bath him, shave his head, hang out, "talk", chill - hangout with my BROTHER - i'm saying it was a great trip.

the other thing i've been told - referencing grey's anotomy - is you gotta join the club one day.  the dead dad's club.  live long enough and you're gonna join - don't think i'm not trying to manipulate everybody i can to change this.

that's the addict in me - i'll manipulate any situation until i get my way - but i can't change this.

no matter how hard i keep trying.

everything will be just fine

NOOOOOOO.

rafa's out.

and now federer?

this sucks - i hate austrailia anyway.

zakkary's bday is coming together - i finally got in touch with the teacher about the lunch in and how many cupcakes.  22 students - one is diabetic.  this is zakkary's best friend in school - he has autism full-on - and she suggested a 'salty' snack? wtf? like chips? the teacher said this would make him feel less left out.  

what about me? i feel left out not knowing what to get the kid.

growl.

so with the bad weather in the northeast always - jl has decided to take the china bus to richmond.  it travels in the middle of the night - i am taking my nighttime meds now so i can go to sleep and wake up at two to pick him up.  i will take a few minutes with him (hee) and get ready for work (longest eight hours of my life guaranteed)

and then he'll go home saturday early evening when i pick up a few kids.  

i think i need to see him and remind myself that i have made a life that may not be full of what could be but really what is.

i kinda told him why i was sorta sullen - and he gets it.  but i can't help but think that i was being put on to think of something as pure joy to see me deflate (like predicted).

i gotta get strong and remind myself that i forgave myself for all that happened years ago when god did - so to think i somehow deserve to be treated bad is just not right.

oh - and i'm an idiot when it comes to tennis too.  i made it home to watch the federer/djokovic semi and i caught up in the first set - IF they just would've put live in the upperleft corner i wouldn't've even looked it up - but the tension was too much for me and i just couldn't wait.

that's kinda what happened with tm - i couldn't wait any longer and when he gave me the smallest window i took it as real stuff (why wouldn't i?) and i ruined whatever outcome there might've been.

i say i got out just in time and i'll look back and see it's for the best - 

reality ... i'll probably always wonder why.

fuck it - i gotta get ready.

i make quite an arrival

WHY IS EVERYONE IN AUSTRALIA WEARING YELLOW? the ball crew, federer, the sixth seeded dude - i mean YUCK!

federer looks good no matter what he wears - but yellow really doesn't look as good on him as let's say red or -sigh- black.

the open is going on as expected - no americans in week two wasn't what i thought would happen - but as long as roger continues to advance i'll be on board.

for a "warmer" day this winter i can't seem to get warm.  i'm beginning to think that this tuesday working business might've been a mistake - cause i KNOW i'd be warm in a blanket.

i watched (in a blanket) the town earlier this morning - i was surprised that i liked it as much as i did.... the netflix was a purchase i made when we hooked up the wii.  

99.5% of my recommendations are military movies and documentaries - so i stepped out of my comfort zone with the town.

but i'm going to give it four solid stars.

i don't think i've blogged about the sweetheart dance i'm going to with bdg.  it's for moms and their sons between the ages 3-5.  i thought since brae and i never do anything alone (and i always have next year for me and the twins) i'd let him take me to his first dance.  we are gonna dress up - me in a dress and him in a "handsome" shirt - that translates to a shirt with buttons and a pair pants without a drawstring.

zrg has convinced him the deejay will grade us on our dance moves - and while i told braeden that z was just joking... i had to pray at the same time he was.

i mean my dancing in the house i'm unbeatable but in a crowd i will probably go with the flow and stay subtle.  my strongest dance will be a slow one - i wonder if i'm doing it on my knees, holding him or just meeting him in the middle.

regardless! it's going to be an excuse to get my nails done and party preschool style - cause let's face it - he's going into kindergarten.

your silver bones

so i was driving the kids home last night and i was asking bdg a question - and he was pulling a "quiet" - where he doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.

and all of a sudden i heard a tiny shriek - and zrg saying authoritatively - "ANSWER HER" - instantly i focused on the "her" part.  i felt taken care of - feminine - i felt like zakkary was protecting me and it was awesome.  sure braeden took a little bit of a punch but i'm gonna say it was worth it (hee) because of how it made me feel.  that might've been the first time that zakkary stepped up and did what sons do (or what they're supposed to do) and protect their mom.

i had a pretty good weekend and only good things are on the rise - for some reason there's no school monday and that means a one-on-one with zrg since the other three have school.

these are some of my favorite weekends because me and z just veg out and get close - eat food and talk pretty much till we're both sleeping.

PERFECT!

the other things on the horizon aren't concrete but feel like if they don't happen i'll be completely deflated and let down.  but isn't that life.... i like more of a concrete future but if you wanna have flashes of perfect - sometimes you gotta throw yourself on the fire.

i say burn till you die.  because just the prospect of getting a few moments of happiness and willing the future to be - may actually work. 

and manipulating my life to fit my dreams may work too.  

and! years in the making may be happening before even i am ready for it.

BUT! i don't want to make it the biggest deal ever - because let's face it ... that's not cool - but trust me inside i'm being pulled apart by emotions!

YES! - i'm saying that love might return and it might be better than ever.

in semi-less exciting news. i'm waiting on this girl i work with to come over with a plumber.  i have a small leak under the kitchen sink - that one isn't even big enough to require a basin.  but the leak under the bathroom sink does.  it's not big either - but before it gets big i need them fixed.  so - that's what is going on and then after that i need to get some groceries and some other things at the supermarket. 

i have off tomorrow - and with a dad visit looming i wanna get a few things around here done.  

plus i am picking up a few hours on tuesdays (shit, i don't have off actually) - at night - just until this fucking weather breaks and my electric bill goes down.

sure it is - then i have four birthdays - then the summer and doing stuff outside (gardening) - so tuesdays might be my thing for a little while.

but i can't need you anymore

 "how long do you think it takes to retrieve a lost soul?"**

i'm basically going through too much - my palms itch and my belly hurts everyday - my nails feel too short (they actually might be too short).... and i keep thinking that i'm gonna feel better one day but to tell you the truth i don't feel any different than i did a few short long years ago.

sure i think it's gonna be the return of him, or him, or him to make that endless pit feel full and when i listen to songs that i think about dancing one day with zrg to - i feel proud and tall - why can't i feel that way when the music stops?

speaking of -  zrg has lost many teeth - today (written saturday) he lost one and guess what? he's sleeping over. and although i have given jdg plenty of things to put under his pillow (books, toys) from the fairy - tonight she'll be showing up in the southside of richmond.

great day - i love being a mom.

arena racing got postponed - not by the arena or the event - but by jdg.  he didn't feel good about it - and i totally get that.  so to make up for it i asked (and got) a bigboy sleepover.  after the twins left - they took a bath and we played wii for a few hours and just now zrg turned on the second part of titanic and he's drawing and repeating most of the movie word for word. 

or deck for deck - there's apparently a world of three d models out there - and he knows the entire ship.  don't get me wrong - i know this is his thing... his cattle (temple grandin reference)... my numbers... i have one thing to say about anybody who would shun my kid at a party (more temple grandin referencing here) because he talked too much about sunken ships (all of the them!) - i say a big entire fuck you.

mcdreamy quote.

am i more than your bargained for yet

it's usually not down time but busy time do i get on this thing.

so the holidays past - new years - and now it's the beginning of the year and things are settled down.

over the break i had a chock full fun with the kids - so much that the beginning of this week i was love sick missing my kids.

see over the break i saw them so much that settling back into reality caused tears and sadness - so much that i was actually depressed for a bit.

then yesterday i had a visit and tomorrow is a visit and then me and jdg are taking them to indoor arena racing in the city - that i feel things are back to normal.

in addition to a ton of sleepovers i even took zrg to aveda for a few treatments - haircut, minimassage, scalp and hand massage - he felt like he was "king of the world' - and literally said it at least once.

post new years when i was crying (to anyone that would listen really) to my mom she said - 'tara, your kids life one day won't include you - they won't have time for you' - oh pooh, no! 

no i say!

the guy thing is always up in the air with jl - he knows what i get into and he's okay with it until i of course get into it and he changes his mind.

what i'm trying to say is that while me and jl have everything in common when we get together it's like i'm always wearing red and he's stuck in green - and i don't mean a cute christmas couple.  we clash about everything - except for the fact we both want this to work.

that's always black.

sigh.

perfect.