yeah, it's plain to see

so my warped brain sometimes thinks guys want those tushies in that easytone reebok commercials - have you seen her butt? there is nothing there... reebok sells us women with no bodies. 

i, however, have a butt. 

always have - it might not be as big as others but it's there and no sneaker can do too much for me at this point.  instead i'm just going to keep buying shoes that i like - i'm not going to want that tushy (although i lil' part of me still likes it).

i found of pair of vans zapatos that i want - they are nothing like the easytone - they aren't like my new low dunks either but if i can get around the white sole on vans for the winter i think these would be a sound buy. 

we'll see.

something happened last night on my way to the house visit - i was thinking of lil' braeden and how he sometimes just is cool with being second fiddle (at least that's what my guilt ridden brain was calling him) -- so i stopped and got him a lightnin' mcqueen poster and while i was there we colored and we had a mini date in front of the rest of them.
i guess it started with me making him corn on the cob (jitters too) at home - those two are the only one's that like vegetables. 
THEN when i was about a mile from my house bdg called crying - wanting to say he loved me before he went to sleep. 
that little bit of time changed whatever we had in four-plus years - and i wanna keep it up.

then today i had to do some paperwork for my dad and i had to go to richmond city to get an id for my new position at the job - which was a semi-pain. and when i got home i caved (to the rain) and took a nap.
i had the scariest dream - that the first time i was kinda forced (although it felt good) to let a friend shoot me up with a snake - and then when i went back i hung out longer than i should've (of course it was to get more snake) but to hang out again with some bad people - it was just a terrible dream. 
not only was i shooting up snakes but i was wearing jeggings.

eck.

troubles will come and they will pass

so supposedly this weather means a mild winter and nothing like last year.

whatever.

i'm not quite sure i believe in the almanac but if it means believing means it'll come to pass - then amen.

so i guess it's apparent that i don't go to as much church as before - i hit up mass but i usually do it in bedford and haven't joined a church here yet.  

i'm gonna tell you why.

i'm scared to go to masses that are packed - i can't count the people - the children - the men/women - it gets overwhelming.  knowing the mass helps because i can pick it up anywhere but it still is overwhelming when i need to count and then still pray and pay attention.  

so yesterday i had a little breakdown - i told a handful of people a fear (that i don't find to be irrational or unwarranted) and my mom said that fear is a lack of faith.

and it might be true - i might've been less scared when i was going to church daily and i want that again. 

with my haircut i have to really do something to it everyday to keep it up so a real early mass wouldn't be ideal but getting back in church is probably the only place i'm going to find the real answer and real security i'm craving.

wednesdays are usually the baptist and the holy rollers day to have daily mass but for catholics it can be.  i'm gonna try and find a mass and get my ass to it. 

in the morning i flip from the morning show news, to morning joe, to the vids on vh1 (i know this doesn't sound good) but when i add in running (5k/37mins) and yoga it all evens out to cool? 

i think so.

and built a fort outta sheets

so - it's that whole time of the year when the new shows start and i'm like oh - i wanna watch THAT! - ask me in may or better yet in december if i watch any television except jersey shore or true blood and the answer will be no.  i don't want this shit - i'm gonna tune into house and maybe - um - nothing else.  the commercials can sell anything.

even dating.

gimme a break.

i did pack away some/most of my summer things this morning - but i couldn't figure out if miniskirts fell into a seasonal category.  first of all i should write that i don't wear miniskirts to go anywhere really - they're a sex prop if anything.  

i did wear a miniskirt to the beach this summer because what are you really going to wear over your bathing suit in new jersey - a sarong? fuck.

back to eharmony - i remember one time thinking let's see what douches they have in common with me - so the SECOND FUCKING question i answered i'm married/but totally separated.  then i ask all this hokie shit - and flying kites and stupid shit and i get this thing - THIS TICKING TIME CLOCK - like they are really working my fucking shit up and gonna spit out the love of my life.

and i get a regretfully sorry but we don't deal with people who are married.

fuck everybody - and fuck okcupid - omg that thing is horrible.  my matches on okcupid (even here in rva) are not those like you kids get in boston or philly - instead it's really old guys (even if they are my age - how does that happen?) looking for that perfect match.

ew.

so the plan for the rest of the day - the lawyer called me which was on my list of things to do - is yoga and later dinner with a friend. other than that - i might check out tweetstalk - something that jdg introduced me to last night.

i do not stalk on the internet - i'm just curious.

tweetcurious.

live in the sunshine

fuck being witty.

so when my mom was leaving and jdg must've been on iron bridge - zakkary cut himself on that fucking pottery barn cube thing that i use as an end table and to the chippenham hospital we go.  five hours of me and jdg recanting our stories - hospital stories, kids, kids he teaches, my hopeful job, my dad coming, the minivan, his sister and the baby, his folks (a little) - the ring i bought at a yardsale and swear i should bring it to antique road show and finance my first plantation and yacht! but anyway - zakkary was a semi-good sport about it - up and until the lidocaine shot.  i mean that shit is murder - here you have this open wound that hurts like fuck anyway - and they wanna keep stick needles in it.  

i would've been fucking screaming too!

i told him he was strong and showed courage and now he's at home with his dad when i just wanna snuggle him and tell him what a good sport he was and how i admired him throughout.  his singing throughout the day at the hospital was the only thing that could've calmed me down - the only that i remember keeping me sane for years.

then i got back and my mom wanted to kill herself with the three babies and she left - i ran into a friend and we're watching sherlock holmes while i blog, catch up on the internerd and wish it was tomorrow.

but until then i'm noshing on vanilla ice cream and gonna post that making out would be perfect before the end of the flick.  let's see if dude checks it.

we'll play jacks and uno cards

i would be lying if i said the kids were sleeping but - two of them - brae and zrg are waiting up to go to bed with me.  my mom is asleep on the twins bed with vin and jericho. 

the last time zrg and bdg slept over in the middle of the night zakkary said - "this is when you put your arm around me" - i wrote it down in a million places because he's gotta know that there are a million days that he changed my life and that was one of them.

so i honestly am becoming busy - and working for what i really really want.  although my dad is helping me it's still not easy smeasy - sure i could keep things the way they were and just sit here but that's not what i was meant to do - and where i am in life - it just happened.

i wasn't unaware that i was terribly spoiled for a lil' bit - but now i want things that aren't "necessary" but HP provides.  the same week i get more hours - is the week my hp gave me the strength to approach jdg and buy this minivan and not depend on jdg as much.

this is hp and he works in my life.  i'm not just getting a job, getting a car, getting my tooth fixed, getting my kids this weekend - because of coincidence.  instead it's the benefits of not getting into trouble - not fucking with a dude (note: not dudes*) - going to church (still) - and mixing the right amount of fun, sun and water pills.

the perfect transition into being able to buy water pills otc - can you believe they put this on the diet aisle.  speaking of ironical or observational (because it didn't ever happen to me*) but the enemas are totally not even close to douche in walgreens. 

note - i didn't think trying a douche could really speed up the end of my period but i guess i thought wtf - i even took a jacuzzi bath but it didn't work.  and the enema - well - it just made loose poop during buttsex.  oh well.

note - i have no real need for douche (never did) - still have the freshest smelling pussy ever - but i tried this and i think the proposed smell was mint - or forest - whose pussy smells like forest?

we're both real sorry that it had to turn out this way

so the kids are staying the night - but around seven zrg called and he was having a hard-time being a big brother and i told jdg i'd come and get him and he could help me get ready for tonight.

so far we made breakfast sandwiches, i showered, we put a heavy duty blanket on top of the couch (what was i thinking buying a beige couch), went to seven/eleven for slurpees, picked up lunch,  made sundaes and now we're snuggling watching cars.

um - soon we'll go shopping if i can wake up and if zakkary's (still sweet) breath doesn't keep me knocked out till they get here.

he doesn't read this so i can write that i got him some nascar christmas wrap - i also got the kids markers and shit for now not christmas - and i got a toilet seat for when they might want to take a shit.  i was semi given a computer for them for christmas - a desktop (per request to santa from all of them) - it's a hp it's not super fast but tested (without cleaning and wiping it out completely) and it still got online fast enough for worldofcars.com - and some other things he does. so i need a nerd to wipe it out.

the wii plus the computer plus some other junk and it's going to be a lite christmas.

do not i repeat - do not link me to my own post when i'm going nuts in december because i feel inadequate with what i got everybody.  

this year is different - this is the year of change.

i say that too with what happened with a friend over the past few days - i met a guy that was particularly emo over a certain thing and i really didn't care one way or another but someone (not me) got sensitive over a particular something and next thing you know our encounters were cut to a halt.

or were they.

we'll see - things work out the way they are supposed to but sometimes they work out the way they are supposed to later on and then again sometimes they work out the way they should be in the future and right now they just suck. 

and then sometimes they work out like you shouldn't've ever fucked with it in the first place - and sometimes you gotta throw a few bucks away to get to the real peace and sometimes you gotta eat a little dirt to know what it tastes like and well - i just suggest that sometimes you just remember what things are for and not what we use them for.

whatever - i'm missing out on nap for this?

fuck me.

if i held my breath in the mornin - would i wake up in a new land

am i retarded?

ever since i started to do my own laundry - granted it was when i moved in with jdg (25) - but i never separated colors and whites and i think maybe once i had an issue.

wtf do they push that shit still on tv? being the consumer robot i am i'm wondering if i am fucking up my clothes somehow for the future - and i should start doing my whites with bleach but i wear like one white thing a week - i mean i wouldn't tell my mom i don't separate because well she'd tell me my babci was rolling in her grave - but still - i'm going to stand with the one wash and go method.

she's also against fresh-ground pepper and kosher salt - two things i stand by 100percent.

so there is this incredible spider outside my kitchen window and he captured and webbed up a stinkbug (click it)- that stinkbug is full sized - meaning that spider is fucking huge. 

i wonder what that fucker will have in there tomorrow - regardless it's gross!

so i got myself a le tigre shirt at goodwill the other day i was thinking the person who donated it probably did so because like me with le tigre (mossimo, hang ten, paul frank) - they were into them before kmart sold it.  why the fuck should it matter.... it doesn't! but somewhere in my warped brain i'm like fuck it - fuck clothes too!

the other day a friend asked me to dress sexy and i was like - ugh... i'll try.  i mean i tighter jeans but they aren't like "oh i'm sexy jeans" and i have tighter tshirts but that's what they are tshirts and then in the winter i'll put a thermal under them and they'll be tshirts that'll probably snug up a bit in winter.

i don't even know what i would look like trying to dress sexy - i was like i like sex - does that count and apparently it did.

liking sex counts folks.

just kidding - but not really.

 

i canceled my subscription to hbo now that true blood is over - i'll join again next year when it starts.  i was thinking about keeping it but with the wii santa is bringing i'm finally going to get netflix.  paying for tv, movies - for internet.  it's like do i have to pay for the shitty version of the swedish movie or can't i just watch it online?  

you're probably wondering where the real tara went - well she went with all the donated clothes to goodwill and will reappear when the government streams my media and you can get a real sausage, peppers and onions sandwich other than the jersey shore.

oh shut up.

there's glitter on the floor

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you rolled those sevens with nothing to lose

so since i'm such a consumer robot - i bought about fifty dollars worth of acai shit yesterday - i usually get sick no matter what i do once a year (swine flu last year) - so i'm gonna try to get this shit first.

goal = be healthy.

i signed up for krav maga again - starting next monday (thataway it won't ever interfere with kids or work) - i'll gaining the skills to fuck you up and probably in a long skirt (my bad attempt at an isreali joke) but anyway - between eating better, exercising (btw my kid visit for tomorrow moved to thursday cause jdg wanted to go to yoga and i said okay - seeeeeeeee we're getting better) - drugfree - i'm gonna be alive forever.

more consumerism - i'm not trying fuck anybody right now - but if i was i think i might have to have condom sex (duh) but i mean they are making it look like condom sex is where it's at.  i wonder if this hot/cold - fire/ice stuff that is happening is like having a hot poker fuck you - wouldn't that take away from what feels good anyway - and ice what happens then? i am curious though. believe you me - i had hpv (we all doooooooo) but anyway - i never got anything else so i'm thinking i might just have good senses with that stuff - maybe i attract the few men out there who have the same senses i do and we naturally have clean junk - oh! i did do that one thing that i needed medical assistance a few times - that counts doesn't it? fuck.

so kids this weekend - and i thought maybe a hiking day with a friend next weekend but that already fell through so i'm headed to jersey - you gotz no idea how much i miss my peepz in dirty jersey man. 

but today i have group therapy at 1:30 to three - and then at the same place i have a shrink appointment at 4:30 - so i'm gonna bring my crocheting and the itouch for tunes.  i was thinking of leaving but the amount of energy i muster up to get into this building and out of the house really - is ridiculous.  why can't they just make pills to fix that - "take two of these everyday and you won't think your house will burn down while you're gone, you won't be involved in a shoot out and your kids are gonna be okay even though you didn't vacuum thier room for the third time today!"

and then another pill for......

SEE WHAT I"M SAYING.

my favorite mistake was you

i NEED to see a picture of a 3-7 year old roger federer - to have a son with those eyebrows promises one thing.  awesomeness.

speaking of federer - why? why? why? i had a kid visit (impromptu) at the park during the nadal match - cause i figured that was gonna go nice and smooth.  i made it home during the third set of the second match and basically wanted to puke the entire time.

i will say that novak has some thick hair - i don't think i've ever dated a man with hair thicker than mine - could you imagine our children? heh. and he has decent eyebrows too - i'm saying. 

what actually went through my head right after match point (after i shed a tear for rf *and i did*) was how if novak was going to fuck the shit out of his girlfriend or whatever - assuming he could fuck the night before these big matches. like if he held her legs together next to his ear and slid it in either hole and knew for that moment he was king of the world.

so yesterday after the date at the park - i went to world of mirth to pick up something for my day of the dead collection i have started - and i met a girl.  i was talking about the over kill for the man/woman wedding cake toppers - i said i was so over dudes and when i had said i was done with men she took it as it sounded and bent down and said "me too."  this chick was killer - who was the femme - we both were.  she had big hair done up  this girl took my mother-cocksucking phone number - never has that happened before.

do you think it has anything to do with my katy perry topic?

so after a short nap i woke to no tennis and the vma preshow - next the true blood finale - but first and foremost and at last my girl called.  she asked me out to "join her for dinner" wednesday.  i have a kid visit from five to eight - and to be fresh we're dining at ten.  i know that's not dinner dinner - but it's dinner time somewhere.

i doubt i'll eat - i'm too nervous already.

brae ate it literally.

brae - before he smushed me in my bed.

me and the boywonder.

here's a little clip of vin spitting the truth.

and i wrote two hundred letters i won't ever send

i finally have something to blog.

my ex-husband and i had a really awesome conversation a few minutes ago - or was it hours - or days - it's been on my mind so long that i am still really in awe.

we agreed to sit down and write out our custody agreement - without fighting for thanksgivings, christmases, not to fight over birthdays and things like that - i called him to talk about the first of our babysale ----- (we agreed i'd sell the shit on craigslist and we'd split it) (we sold a highchair for sixty bucks!) - whewwww! and he brought it all up.

this blog has become so two-faced it's not funny - there are things going on with my boyfriend that i can't write about - things about my parents that i can't tell anyone - things definitely about my kids that isn't anyone's business but mine and jason's .... and well it affects me. some of that shit even are reasons why i don't write on this thing much.

yknow?

not today though - i gotta say if i was engaged to russell brand i would float about and roll around with that hottie in katy perry's video! jesus christ if that video was about twenty seconds longer i could easily rub one out - (note: no hitachi!) - it's true lately i have been rubbing one out when i wake up.  i reach around like it was a lover's hand (diagram is me on my side) and while different from the volcanic orgasm that the hitachi produces it is a pleasant way to wake up.

especially when i don't have anything really to do that day.

all my bitches love me

this is what i'm reduced to.

 me:  hey dude

 Sent at 6:27 PM on Thursday

 me:  call me

 Sent at 7:40 PM on Thursday

 me:  doodie call me

 zakkary:  IM BUSY

 me:  zakkary be polite

 zakkary:  IM DOING A GAME

 me:  can't you pause it?

 zakkary:  NO

 me:  be nice.

 zakkary:  IT JUST DOES NOT PAUSE

 me:  call me when it's over :(

your voice is like soft summer rain

i really don't wanna talk about this week.

my boyfriend's brother died and it was the worst week of my life - i can't imagine what it was like for him.

getting serious with someone because he is going through the hardest thing life will ever deal him - isn't like having a magical date at some bed&breakfast.  but it is what is - and life goes on.

what's brewing is uphill but going on about it now is just not my style.

later today i'm getting my eyebrows done - that's enough detail about my life right now.