you can fly to heaven on time

500,000,000 eggs!

nooooooooooooo!

if they recall pesto sauce next i'm eternally fucked.

i don't think the culprit chickens laid eggs sold in virginia but i swear to god i saw someone buy ten 2 1/2 dozen egg cartons at walmart yesterday. 

so i - of course - thought he knew something i didn't and i bought a few dozen eggs myself (3) in the same packaging.  he just might've been having a party - but i couldn't be sure.

so i'm in bedford for the week - between work and my banking and my meetings i am booked pretty much the entire week.  my folks have set up an attorney for this banking shit - so i mean it's a good thing i guess.  he's pretty young so hopefully he'll last throughout the length of this stupid trust - which by the way michael has still avoided even though he has now moved to his chest (the last place on his entire body that isn't tattooed) and he still gets favors - i was blackmailed that if i got a dog i would be "cut-off" right now - maybe not down the line but for now anyway.

blahblahblah - so what michael makes blahblahblah amount of money - i'm just saying equal opportunities people.  

huzzah.

so i won't be seeing tj in rva for at least another month - but first a test above all tests - a trip to kentucky for a wedding.  fuck me - so flying (without benzos) i can do - a wedding (without drinking) i can do - seeing my boyfriend (without sexytime) i dunno!  he says it'll be hard especially because i want/need makeup sex - but my promise to mary is becoming more solid as each day passes and especially because i can't seem to keep my head clear from disrupting fuck chatter all day long. 

speaking of rva - i am thankful that richmond doesn't start school today like bedford.  august 23rd people?  i can remember not even starting to get into school mode until at least the first few days of september - and this year couldn't get any better for the kids (unless the 1st was on tuesday) but new jersey and richmond (that i know of) don't start until the 7th. 

huzzah for sure.
i am in charge of back-to-school haircuts and i'm not gonna take it lightly - brae will be sporting a late 80's/early nineties mushroom/skater thing and zrg will be continuing his quest for long hair.
saturday at my house i gave them all showers and zrg let me condition is hair - holy fuck - his hair is still so silky.  but - as far as a haircut - just a shape up and "DON'T TOUCH HIS BANGS" - thank you very much.
tip tip.

you had your chances and you threw them away

kings dominion was pretty cool - i had to apologize to zrg after i got home and realized that i was kinda harsh and not exactly the mom i want to be.

i mean being a mom isn't always a thing you do perfectly - but this was out of character for me.

zrg didn't want to go on the same rollercoasters he did last year and wasn't even following bdg on rides that jericho would've been allowed on.

of course - because i'm perfect - i told him that i wasn't proud of him.

jdg had mentioned the word negativity or something like it and i started to internalize it and by the time it was his bedtime i rang him and apologized.  sure he was like - "oh yeah right" - and didn't hold any of it - but you never know if that thought will probably creep on him when courage would be a better option.

so i prayed an extra rosary to mary before i fell asleep (barely) hoping she would guide my words better in the future.

i did do a few rides myself and let my kids watch me "almost die" - each time i did something they were like - you are prolly gonna die ma - and i thought of how fucked up it would've been if i did die.  so after two rides (lines were non-existent) i called it quits and i paired up with brae the rest of the day.  

i know i can't remember but two memories when i was four - and really only a handful from when i was seven but when i was four i remembered everything and when i was seven i remembered everything too - so even if they never can recall yesterday when they're in their thirties i can give it to them now and that feels eternally awesome.

speaking of awesome - a not-so-awesome thing happened yesterday.  i got one of those "your cc is under suspicion" letters that happen when you use your credit a lot when its laid dormant in your wallet.  but holy fuck someone tried to get money on my credit card from a money transfer thing in swisse bank or some shit.  they first charged 1cent to some espresso shop - found out it worked and then tried over $700. - and it was declined.

thank god for annoying banks.

then why isn't anybody callin

$410.89.

that's how much my fios bill was - this month - july, this month and the next month - fuck me sideways for real.  but next month it should be the 133. that we all agreed on.  can you believe that?

well - it's paid and i am not gonna worry about it.

so i went to my new group therapy yesterday morning - and omg - there's a dude in the group that is sexy as fuck.  he's crazier than fuck and calls himself all these terms but i don't care he's still sexy.  he was talking about some his mom for about thirty minutes - so he doesn't fit the orphan part of the my prerequisites (i spelled that right the first time) - but lemme just say that if i was ever going to go out with a completely labeled nutjob it would be him.  at least i know where he'll be next next tuesday at one thirty.

i was pretty sleepy sunday night when true blood came on - but lemme just say that eric northman is the most beautiful dude on the planet - and sixfootfourandahalf - there's no real reason why he wouldn't be in dreams almost everynight.

except last night - last night i drempt about this guy that kidnapped me and was drugging me - but i liked it.  and i was pretending i was being help captive but i was breathing in harder when he was holding this rag to my mouth and nose.  i'm telling you the phone rang this morning and it was zrg - and i did not want to wake up.

the only way i saw that this was my true love was being cleansed in the rain.

and crossing myself with gasoline!

true story.

so let's say you were (urp) living alone - and you were going to make this really good soup - would you make it for dinner and have it for lunch the next day - or would make it for lunch and dinner.  i'm gonna choose the later - and make it for lunch then dinner.

stay tuned for being shut up with kisses - the only way that i can really be silenced.

all my wishful thinking was gone.

so i'm home from dc and lemme just say i walked about ten miles (i looked at the map!) - and zrg nor i complained once.  i did get a blister and made zrg ask the lady at the paddleboat place for a bandaid.  but we did everything!

arlington, lee's house, eternal flame, taft, unknown, washington monument, ww2 memorial, reflection pool, lincoln memorial, korean war, vietnam wall, armed forces, jefferson memorial, ford's theater and the tour - that house across the street and well - i think that's it.  but fuck that's a lot!

this week has more in store - thursday we are going to king's dominion - me, z, b and jdg - i am pretty stoked! :)

here's are some pix saturday's visit and some from today and here's the rest!

so i was taking a pic of jitter and vin - hugging and zrg got in the middle.

love this.

happy.

at the end of the day - in the jefferson mem.

same local.

zrg looking for a second bullet!

i was contacted by richmond deck dude about our last encounter and i kinda told him i am off the market and that's true besides making up with tj (and he thinks the no sex thing for awhile is good too) i am keeping fast with jesus and mary. and just thinking dirty thoughts with a past lover had me saying an extra rosary at church yesterday.

i don't want to be praying away my libido but i can't let it completely rule my life.

which it has!

and does - unless i constantly put a stop to those thoughts! so needless to say the deckdude said it was great company - and that made me think it wasn't so bad.  but almost immediately i got a text from my bf and reminded me that there's a bigger picture than my deck and it's carpenter is not jesus!

no matter how he lays wood.

OMG - that was dirty and blasphemous and it even gave me the shivers! 

but i laughed out loud!

stealing in the name of the lord

i'm seeing the kids tomorrow and shit - but i miss my house.

while at work last night the original youngster that was asking me out - and he was too short for even me - asked me if while i was in richmond if i was back with my husband! i said no fucking way - and he asked if i wanted someone to keep me company and i was like well i just recently had company and it wasn't that good - so maybe.

and just then i remembered my promise to jesus and mary and thought if just talking about having company is wrong and just the very thought that i thought that having company was wrong proved it was wrong and i hurried and shuffled off.

not before he said he gave really good company.

this is gonna be tough.

immediately after work i'm going to richmond - i miss my house. i picked up a new haan steamer to do all the tile i have in the kitchen and bathroom and i love it.  before i went out and bought a new cover for it i decided to crochet one - so i did that last night - now i gotta go home and try it out.  i might wait till sunday till after the kids destroy my place tomorrow.

and even though just typing that my ocd made my fingers tingle - i can get through it for the sake of the kids.  

i started to crochet this scarf-type thing called a juliana wrap - i'm making it out of a real pretty cornflower yellow and almost a light grass green - i got the yolk part of the scarf done but the mesh part is next - NIGHTMARE - but i have plenty o'time on my hands - yeah right.  not having a real job makes everyone think you have all this time - but trust - i do not.

between seeing the kids so much and seeing doctors - oh yeah fucking meetings - i'm seriously wiped out by the end of the day.

goal: this week to take it more slow - oh yeah - edit:

goal for the week starting tuesday: take it more slow and learn time management better - and keep you mind off boys and your house clean and go to meetings and finish your scarf and start group therapy then look for a dog then think seriously about how a dog would make traveling except when you go places that are dog friendly and then hike dead rock maybe bring zakkary then get zakkary's hair cut then go back to bedford for the 23rd though the 27th for fill in work don't forget to hang out with nikki while i'm there and i thought i could fucking relax.

whatever.

edit: nervous breakdown.

yeah if i had you

so - while up in jersey i was constantly worried about what my dad would do/wouldn't do to embarrass me and it took the whole time i was there and some before and after to realize that i'm not responsible for him - nor was i responsible for jason and nor am i really responsible for my kids.

when i took zakkary to the museum of the confederates this summer - he was asking A LOT of questions - some that might be common sense (to an adult) - some that the tour guide kinda touched over already and some that were legitimately curious and awesome.

now some might say why don't you shut your kid up or some might think i might've sshhhhhed my kid - but fuck them all.  we paid like everybody else and each time that kid's hand went up i was proud - at the end of the tour one man who looked pretty down to earth came up to me and said how proud he was of zakkary for being so curious and then he looked me in the eye (eeeek) and told me that i was a decent parent for encouraging him to ask questions when others might've hushed their kids.

this entered my mind when thinking that one of me and zrg's stops will be ford's theatre and that place across the street where lincoln died! youuuuuu know the one - where they have that bloody pillow and everything.  i can only imagine what he'll ask - and then again i think i wonder what he'll ask.  

the only thing that will be up in the air for that day is whether or not his front teeth will be gone yet!  christ they have been holding on for two weeks pretty loose - and i keep encouraging him to bite apples and stuff - even if it's to spit it right out (god forbid he likes fruit) - but he won't bite (heehee) and they are hanging on by threads! :)

i hinted to zakkary to get jdg to pay for the train - but i don't think zakkary quite has the manipulation skills that are required for such a task - if i had a few more days i could do it myself or train the youngin but i'll just drive - it will give me a chance to give the entire kids bop 18 a real go - and whatever other mess he's listening to these days.

i had to do some serious banking in town - and then i went to goodwill for junk.  i got this bottle/vase type thing for on top  of the fridge and i got toy story 2 on vhs (i didn't tell you i had a vcr - shame) and i got a tattoo type shirt for brae and a bills shirt for me because i thought t.o. was in buffalo until i just looked and saw him in cincinatti - wtf?  i think jason let me go on for a whole conversation about this and didn't correct me - he remembers i don't like to be corrected but an entire conversation, christ! i must've looked/sounded like an idiot.  anyway - it's still pretty old school and it's big enough whilst being tiny to wear a thermal under it for the winter.

IDIOT!

love letters in the sand

bedford bedford bedford.

yesterday - i worked a really early shift, came home, showered, ate and went to sleep - between waking up early and working plus the drive the night before i was way tired. 

alot of people wonder why i am so dependent on jdg to give me kid time and it's like this - i could ease into it on his (our) schedule (basically i ask - he says no the first time and then he gives it a week/two and when i ask again he's all in) OR i could take him to court over everything and we both go broke (lawyer fee's are 250/300 hr his being 300) but i haven't asked him for something and got completely shut down yet.... 

bringing me to a day next week.  

so we all know (or do now) that zrg is obsessed with presidents - and especially the kennedy's all things kennedy and that boy loves (from jfk, rfk, john-john and lil' baby patrick) this shit - so i'm taking him to arlington and a bunch of the sites in dc i think that jase was trying to get me on a train by insisting we were gonna hit traffic one way or another but i can't afford the day trip plus the train (no matter how much zrg begged.)

*now - if jdg paid - i'm totally down with training it*

speaking of jdg - out of the four majors in my life it's him i am getting along with best.  this morning i called zrg and he was still sleeping - in the past jase would let it go to vm or have a baby answer saying zrg was asleep but he picked up and we actually talked for a few.  and everytime i see him we're talking sports or music or even movies or tv - it's like that time we never got before we got married.  now i'm not saying this is courting or anything like that but it's nice to talk to an ex and not talk about revolution (jlm) or fucking (bm) or even tm (past-posi-fucking) - i honest to god am serious i want all four of those assholes to get married and then i'll know it's not even possible to weasel my way into conversations, thoughts or plans.

go say i do - or say go away tlg - because that's how this girl needs closure.

OR - in response to beautiful written goodbye or even a celebration of goodbye - (thumbs super way up jlp) - go and die and be remembered forever.  

i miss him just as much as i did ten years ago but it's something that i choose to hold on to - it no longer holds onto me.

get over yourself and you'll see that the biggest things in life are bigger than text messages and whatever the fuck facebook is - get a life and donate some time to causes that need you (not video games) - play by the rules and pay taxes, obey the speed limit and give up the drugs - i mean we're all in our thirties now and it's time to not refer to each other as kids (i'm still guilty of this one.)

i'm gonna go to work tonight and try and keep my thoughts straight and keep them honest and more clean (clear) than they have been - not to focus on men or myth even (are they different?) and to get myself aligned with the only thing i have today - diet sierra mist and eight hours of boring.

the surface breaks

i hate talking about boys.

i do... but i might as well get it over with.  i don't know if cheated is the right word - or whatever - but i hooked up with someone here in richmond and of course i didn't have to tell tj but i did and well - we're calling it quits.  it has nothing to do with rva dude (at all) but more with me being pretty sure there is no room for a dude in my life right now.

i guess i knew that before i hooked up with dude - but i wanted to be sure.

don't get me wrong - i still love sexytime but i can't handle the phone calls, the drama, the no phone calls and everything else that having someone to answer to carries - i want to be able to not call someone and it be okay.  

what i'm still saying is i like being single.

but i'm gonna do single and no sexytime either for awhile.

new jersey was good stuff - i missed it as usual (and missed my dad and a few friends too) - but we did ellis island and liberty everything on friday.  growing up there i never really did that shit and it was solid fun.  saturday we spent at the jersey shore - bay head - and then sunday we drove home.

i have some pictures somewhere - camera number 2 is missing.  at least i know this time it has no nekkid pictures - and that alone makes looking for it not as panic-y.

i'm headed to bedford for a few days... i gotta work a few shifts (thank god) and then saturday i'll be having the kids for the weekend so i gotta get back for that.  

i really don't want to go to bedford for work much longer - my boss is leaving town at the end of the month for a week and i'm gonna cover for her.  but after the next couple weeks i'm gonna look for something here.  going to bedford for work and whatnot makes the trip horrible in my head - if i was just going back to see friends or a meeting or whatever i wouldn't be in such a funk the whole time.

jobs have to go.

i have a few projects on my hooks - and that feels good too! i need to get back to what makes me happy and to leave the boys alone.  i swear - no more boy blogging - i'm gonna give it until november 1st - october is the month i dedicate to mary. and well - it will feel better to start now.

paved with blood

so yesterday went well - my mom stayed the night and then we went to mothertrucking waffle house... i am gonna say something northeast'ers ... I LOVE THE SOUTH.  i am a jersey girl at heart - and i will be there for the better part of this week with a few friends (my dad's hosting) - but there is a big chunk of my heart that belongs to virginia now.

tonight will be my first night watching true blood without streaming it - live - at nine pm.  last summer i watched live - but it was always semi-awkward because my mom had the cablebox and i'd have to go up there and watch and leave - but now! - NOW! - it's all me and i'm gonna be pretty amped.

tomorrow i'm gonna meet jdg at the half way point and take zrg for the day again - the other kids are in camp still.  we're gonna come back here - have breakfast - go shopping and then hit cici's for lunch.  if anybody can make cici's worth it - it's my baby.  he eats enough for the two of us AND i have a coupon buy one get one free.  

some pix:

!!!

babies.

my tech savvy boy.

and my techie mom.

my little boy.

my nightly bill.

oh - and me and tj are okay again.  i'm not gonna put my daily business out there because it's just vomit at the mouth - the way it used to be with bm.  

OH - and speaking of bm.  if i ever don't hear from anybody one person the rest of my life it would be him.

OH - and tattoo appointment for next tuesday is set.  

OH - oh yeah - that's it.