everything will be just fine

NOOOOOOO.

rafa's out.

and now federer?

this sucks - i hate austrailia anyway.

zakkary's bday is coming together - i finally got in touch with the teacher about the lunch in and how many cupcakes.  22 students - one is diabetic.  this is zakkary's best friend in school - he has autism full-on - and she suggested a 'salty' snack? wtf? like chips? the teacher said this would make him feel less left out.  

what about me? i feel left out not knowing what to get the kid.

growl.

so with the bad weather in the northeast always - jl has decided to take the china bus to richmond.  it travels in the middle of the night - i am taking my nighttime meds now so i can go to sleep and wake up at two to pick him up.  i will take a few minutes with him (hee) and get ready for work (longest eight hours of my life guaranteed)

and then he'll go home saturday early evening when i pick up a few kids.  

i think i need to see him and remind myself that i have made a life that may not be full of what could be but really what is.

i kinda told him why i was sorta sullen - and he gets it.  but i can't help but think that i was being put on to think of something as pure joy to see me deflate (like predicted).

i gotta get strong and remind myself that i forgave myself for all that happened years ago when god did - so to think i somehow deserve to be treated bad is just not right.

oh - and i'm an idiot when it comes to tennis too.  i made it home to watch the federer/djokovic semi and i caught up in the first set - IF they just would've put live in the upperleft corner i wouldn't've even looked it up - but the tension was too much for me and i just couldn't wait.

that's kinda what happened with tm - i couldn't wait any longer and when he gave me the smallest window i took it as real stuff (why wouldn't i?) and i ruined whatever outcome there might've been.

i say i got out just in time and i'll look back and see it's for the best - 

reality ... i'll probably always wonder why.

fuck it - i gotta get ready.

i make quite an arrival

WHY IS EVERYONE IN AUSTRALIA WEARING YELLOW? the ball crew, federer, the sixth seeded dude - i mean YUCK!

federer looks good no matter what he wears - but yellow really doesn't look as good on him as let's say red or -sigh- black.

the open is going on as expected - no americans in week two wasn't what i thought would happen - but as long as roger continues to advance i'll be on board.

for a "warmer" day this winter i can't seem to get warm.  i'm beginning to think that this tuesday working business might've been a mistake - cause i KNOW i'd be warm in a blanket.

i watched (in a blanket) the town earlier this morning - i was surprised that i liked it as much as i did.... the netflix was a purchase i made when we hooked up the wii.  

99.5% of my recommendations are military movies and documentaries - so i stepped out of my comfort zone with the town.

but i'm going to give it four solid stars.

i don't think i've blogged about the sweetheart dance i'm going to with bdg.  it's for moms and their sons between the ages 3-5.  i thought since brae and i never do anything alone (and i always have next year for me and the twins) i'd let him take me to his first dance.  we are gonna dress up - me in a dress and him in a "handsome" shirt - that translates to a shirt with buttons and a pair pants without a drawstring.

zrg has convinced him the deejay will grade us on our dance moves - and while i told braeden that z was just joking... i had to pray at the same time he was.

i mean my dancing in the house i'm unbeatable but in a crowd i will probably go with the flow and stay subtle.  my strongest dance will be a slow one - i wonder if i'm doing it on my knees, holding him or just meeting him in the middle.

regardless! it's going to be an excuse to get my nails done and party preschool style - cause let's face it - he's going into kindergarten.

your silver bones

so i was driving the kids home last night and i was asking bdg a question - and he was pulling a "quiet" - where he doesn't acknowledge me whatsoever.

and all of a sudden i heard a tiny shriek - and zrg saying authoritatively - "ANSWER HER" - instantly i focused on the "her" part.  i felt taken care of - feminine - i felt like zakkary was protecting me and it was awesome.  sure braeden took a little bit of a punch but i'm gonna say it was worth it (hee) because of how it made me feel.  that might've been the first time that zakkary stepped up and did what sons do (or what they're supposed to do) and protect their mom.

i had a pretty good weekend and only good things are on the rise - for some reason there's no school monday and that means a one-on-one with zrg since the other three have school.

these are some of my favorite weekends because me and z just veg out and get close - eat food and talk pretty much till we're both sleeping.

PERFECT!

the other things on the horizon aren't concrete but feel like if they don't happen i'll be completely deflated and let down.  but isn't that life.... i like more of a concrete future but if you wanna have flashes of perfect - sometimes you gotta throw yourself on the fire.

i say burn till you die.  because just the prospect of getting a few moments of happiness and willing the future to be - may actually work. 

and manipulating my life to fit my dreams may work too.  

and! years in the making may be happening before even i am ready for it.

BUT! i don't want to make it the biggest deal ever - because let's face it ... that's not cool - but trust me inside i'm being pulled apart by emotions!

YES! - i'm saying that love might return and it might be better than ever.

in semi-less exciting news. i'm waiting on this girl i work with to come over with a plumber.  i have a small leak under the kitchen sink - that one isn't even big enough to require a basin.  but the leak under the bathroom sink does.  it's not big either - but before it gets big i need them fixed.  so - that's what is going on and then after that i need to get some groceries and some other things at the supermarket. 

i have off tomorrow - and with a dad visit looming i wanna get a few things around here done.  

plus i am picking up a few hours on tuesdays (shit, i don't have off actually) - at night - just until this fucking weather breaks and my electric bill goes down.

sure it is - then i have four birthdays - then the summer and doing stuff outside (gardening) - so tuesdays might be my thing for a little while.

but i can't need you anymore

 "how long do you think it takes to retrieve a lost soul?"**

i'm basically going through too much - my palms itch and my belly hurts everyday - my nails feel too short (they actually might be too short).... and i keep thinking that i'm gonna feel better one day but to tell you the truth i don't feel any different than i did a few short long years ago.

sure i think it's gonna be the return of him, or him, or him to make that endless pit feel full and when i listen to songs that i think about dancing one day with zrg to - i feel proud and tall - why can't i feel that way when the music stops?

speaking of -  zrg has lost many teeth - today (written saturday) he lost one and guess what? he's sleeping over. and although i have given jdg plenty of things to put under his pillow (books, toys) from the fairy - tonight she'll be showing up in the southside of richmond.

great day - i love being a mom.

arena racing got postponed - not by the arena or the event - but by jdg.  he didn't feel good about it - and i totally get that.  so to make up for it i asked (and got) a bigboy sleepover.  after the twins left - they took a bath and we played wii for a few hours and just now zrg turned on the second part of titanic and he's drawing and repeating most of the movie word for word. 

or deck for deck - there's apparently a world of three d models out there - and he knows the entire ship.  don't get me wrong - i know this is his thing... his cattle (temple grandin reference)... my numbers... i have one thing to say about anybody who would shun my kid at a party (more temple grandin referencing here) because he talked too much about sunken ships (all of the them!) - i say a big entire fuck you.

mcdreamy quote.

am i more than your bargained for yet

it's usually not down time but busy time do i get on this thing.

so the holidays past - new years - and now it's the beginning of the year and things are settled down.

over the break i had a chock full fun with the kids - so much that the beginning of this week i was love sick missing my kids.

see over the break i saw them so much that settling back into reality caused tears and sadness - so much that i was actually depressed for a bit.

then yesterday i had a visit and tomorrow is a visit and then me and jdg are taking them to indoor arena racing in the city - that i feel things are back to normal.

in addition to a ton of sleepovers i even took zrg to aveda for a few treatments - haircut, minimassage, scalp and hand massage - he felt like he was "king of the world' - and literally said it at least once.

post new years when i was crying (to anyone that would listen really) to my mom she said - 'tara, your kids life one day won't include you - they won't have time for you' - oh pooh, no! 

no i say!

the guy thing is always up in the air with jl - he knows what i get into and he's okay with it until i of course get into it and he changes his mind.

what i'm trying to say is that while me and jl have everything in common when we get together it's like i'm always wearing red and he's stuck in green - and i don't mean a cute christmas couple.  we clash about everything - except for the fact we both want this to work.

that's always black.

sigh.

perfect.