it's not the ribbons in your hair

so i leave for work around five (i know, i know) but something i really appreciate is people who leave their christmas lights on all night.

it's so nice to see some christmas when it's a. so fucking cold i wanna die - and b. no one else is up except tour buses (true story).

then after i cross the james (and a few miles before) i see the buildings of richmond outlined in lights and suddenly it doesn't seem so lonely that early in the morning.

i put in an extra day at work today - because a. i was asked and b. who doesn't need more money here at christmas time.  i mean - i need odds and ends as far as the kids - odds would be stuff like stocking junk - and ends would be a wreath hook, magnets for the stockings and - fuck - pay the taxes.

plus - it will help out with getting the kids out that week (ie bowling - which they did great at this weekend!)

jdg suggested we take them to arena racing - that's on january 8th.  i think we agreed they'd all go nuts - except vinnie - but he's coming anyway.  vin's not really into the racing as much as they others - but he goes with the flow.  when i think about it there's nothing i think vin would dig totally - but that's okay - cause zakkary was like that at that age.  no real one particular thing he'd go goo-goo-ga-ga over... sure zrg liked dora, thomas and lil' bit of everything else - but i remember saying there was nothing that was a sure hit for christmas giving.

and if that means vin might end up a lil' like zrg well - that's pretty cool too.

BUT - it looks like none of the other siblings have any speck of autism - which is also good.

the rest of the week - means work and prolly a kid visit at jdg's.  jericho was really coughing it up yesterday and i'm told he's getting it hard.  so i really don't want to take them out in the cold if unnecessary - and start on the kid haircuts.

jdg's mom took brae - and ruined everything i worked for.  he had a late 80s/early 90s mushroom and now he looks like a dork.  i hate it - so i told jdg to please tell his mom that haircuts are mine from now on.  

some might say i should appreciate her effort - but c'mon - the kids don't need their GRANDmother picking out haircuts for them - there's a cocksucking reason why women stop pushing out babies in their thirties because you are tooooooo old to make cool decisions for your kids!

i'm your sea of devotion

so my mind sometimes thinks that matt & kim cd - should be called matt & tim.  not only do the songs remind me of beats i thought maybe he'd make (before i heard what he was doing) but it reminds me of a real winter trip.

it's sorta sad.

i doubt there's anything behind this post although i feel there is.

tomorrow i am heading back to bedford for a day or two.  i have some business to take care of - and then i'm gonna have lunch with a friend on thursday.  

today! however! today - i did three things on the list - i was like - FUCK YOU LIST and started crossing things off and as a matter of fact just to feel better about myself i wrote things down on the list that i did - JUST so i can cross them off.

it was like i was on a manic high or something - but i was in and out of stores, state agencies and offices - i just felt like i had a second wind... 

i ended the productivity with getting the flu mist (lying that i wasn't sick - still feeling gross) and then picking up dinner for the kids and doing a visit at jdg's.  

brae isn't quite 100% and since the temperature won't quite clear thirty i thought it'd be better to visit at his house.

i've been really praying to mary to help me figure out this whole guy thing - she had it tough yknow.  her relationship with joseph started off really fucked up - but he always got her.  

and i'm praying that jl can be understanding and i can allow him to be - i'm a handful of a girlfriend and usually when the "next move" is on the horizon i sabotage the entire fucking thing.

i'm going to allow god to move me through what's next - starting with church tomorrow.  

celebrating the woman that makes me want to be a better mother and finally - a better partner in my relationship - can only be done at mass.

they lie awake at night and dream of you

ugh.

i didn't get that list done - not that it's too late but good grief i need just do it so i don't feel so overwhelmed and ruin this weekend.

so - bdg is still sick - jdg thinks he should stay home.  so instead of doing the three boys and leaving bdg at home - i told jase let's switch up and i'll take zrg today and the rest tomorrow (hoping bdg is better by tomorrow.)

feel me? a change in routine and THAT list not getting done and i'm wound up like a fucking top.

i should hate jdg right now - but when we discussing this situation about the kids last night i told him i was watching mobsters on the bio channel (it was the henry hill episode) and he started his henry/karen "why'd you flush the cocaine" impersonation and it quickly faded.  i think jdg just wants the best for the kids (ie bdg getting better) and he's not trying to punish me by keeping my kids from me.

just because at one point in my life my motives were purely self-centered doesn't mean everyone is out to get me.

did i mention i'm going to start smoking? well - that's not entirely true.  but where i work everyone who does smoke takes at least three more breaks than i do - sometimes i even go with just so i can get a break in there and come back smelling liking a smoker and my nose running.

i'm going to start a campaign for non-smokers to get "reward breaks" - a company should reward its non-smokers - who surely miss less work due to illness, cost less to insure and probably/most definitely work more efficiently without all the racing thoughts of more and more nicotine.

OH! i know i didn't mention this one - but someone (and her two friends) walked in my front door last night.  at first they knocked (how polite) but then they just opened the door and walked in.  i was on the couch crocheting and watching the tv and these people holding flowers and food walked right in.  i said - UM HELLO? and they were apologizing that it was obviously the wrong house all the way down the front walk - the least they could've done was leave me some food or flowers.  

now i'm petro that they saw my goods (and maybe the was their modus operandi to case houses) and see where they are gonna get their next laptop, big tv and other stealables. 

GREAT - like i wasn't dealing with enough!

and your bones they feel alive

today i not only got paid but i got free lunch at work.

so the weekend is in my hands and i'm not gonna fuck it up.

i have a million things to do but i'm going to fucking write it down and then i'm going tear though it like nobody's business.

but first some housework, laundry and crocheting this evening.  

tomorrow i got the kids for the day - we're going to stay in because bdg is still sick (it's been a week!) and it's cold here.  i would tell jdg not to bring him out but when he found out i had to skip my weekly visit (due to this sickness) he lost it - telling him he couldn't come when his bros could would be pure torture.

a bake at home pizza, cupcakes from the bakery and showing them the christmas decorations is the plan.

sunday i'm picking up zrg around noon and we're going to come here at watch titanic.  i had to rent it from blockbuster (first i had to join) because my vcr is suddenly not working... wtf.

but zakkary is still kinda obsessed with all things titanic so that's the plan for sunday - winding up the date with dinner someplace.

i have no idea why - my temperature set at seventy (same as always) and it says it's seventy in here but i'm fucking freezing.  is that normal?  i have my robe on over my clothes (time for a snuggi?) and i'm still cold.  i was planning on putting christmas lights around the front door but it's too fucking cold outside to do that shit - i might just nix the lights outside - i'm not really a go-getter when it comes to home ownership.

i wanna hire someone to do everything - but i don't have the money for that AND i feel like a bum even saying it.

someone please remind me to get a snow shovel before they announce the blizzard of the decade.

at work i'm known as jersey - i can say practically anything and the dirty jrz comes out.  my boss says i gotta a little more flavor than virginian girls - i think it's the fact that my heart stays there all the times.

(it doesn't hurt my boyfriend lives there - and if i should happen to die before the boys set up homes i will be buried where my entire family rests - sacred ground of course)

 

which you won't find in me

so.

the kids spent the night saturday - all of them.  the way i worked it out i have all of them everyother sleepover... that way i can spend some time with the older boys still.

and then i have one-on-ones with zakkary a few times a month.

he's gotten to the point where he doesn't really need medicine - jdg tried fo two days but one night he stayed up till eleven (um - it's speed what did he think would happen) - and the second day his teacher wrote a note that zrg was extremely weepy at school and since that isn't typical jason pulled the medicine.

his praise (and praise) to getting no tallies (fuck ups) at school must've felt good because he's been perfect since (almost five weeks).  so he's not an issue at the moment.

and thank god - because the rest of my life is complete chaos.

i have put so many things off (paperwork and stuff) - that now even if i wanted to get it all done it's too late on some shit.  that's why i need my mom! she helps me get refocused on the things i push off daily.

then there's jl.

i mean he knows where i am in this shit - i barely have enough energy to work three days a week - get the kids two/three days a week - keep up with bills for the house, the cars, the insurances, the food, - add the housework, hiring people for the lawn, winterizing the house (must do) - omg... i'm getting sick just writing all that out.

but he knows i have issues so to push me for anything more than just working on this would be a kamikaze move on his part.  and believe you me - i appreciate having so many people in my life (boss, parents, even kids) that are so patient with me.  

i'm not sure if being tagged as a mental patient with all those mentioned was going to work out the way it did - but i'm glad being honest finally has it's benefits.

speaking of benefits he's coming in two weeks.