so - there's this dude at work. MARRIED DUDE. UGLY DUDE (to me). he just grosses me out and guess what? he has a crush on me.
he claims he needs 'tara fixes!' and hunts me down and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.
well - yesterday i couldn't even show up to work because my agoraphobia was so bad i couldn't make it out the front door.
my mom says it's my inexplicable and unfounded fear of men and i might be blowing this out of proportion but i doubt it and i told my supervisor. note: i didn't tell my boss who would tell his boss or some shit - instead my supervisor is gonna say - "name, you really gotta back up off of tara. you constantly hunting her down, TOUCHING her and making comments that are really not work appropriate - NEVERMIND you're fucking married."
she was going to say it today but he wasn't in - monday.
i'm picking up some greensheet work and working tomorrow for a few hours. shit - i need the money. i had two kids birthdays in the past month and i have two more this week - that's twins for ya!
besides i needed a few things for myself so i dug deep but i guess that's what savings is for (not real emergencies that come with home ownership.)
another thing about the whole "DUDE" situation is i'm still not ready for a relationship. believe you me - if i was i have the greatest guy in the world who tells me daily that he's waiting for the green light but i can't get over how bad relationships hurt. bm and tm totally killed my heart and i don't think it would be fair to my kids to set my soul up for something that could potentially kill me and take me away from them (figuratively and literally.)
it's like when we (jdg, me, zrg and bdg) went to kings dominion last year - there was no line for that ride where you get on and it raises you 500 feet and let's you go - i had two thoughts - one) why don't i show the kids how cool mommy is and ride and watch her fall then while at the top i thought - two) you fucking idiot you can't do this kind of stuff once you're a mom - if you do die (having fun? - see my full circleness here?) you'll be an idiot forever.
getting in a relationship would be like getting on a ride like that - except it doesn't have any safety nets or magnets involved - it's just me... full steam ahead for a brick wall.
my dad is doing what dudes who have cancer do. he's going to radiation everyday. he's losing weight. his hair. that sorta stuff... but he has high hopes. his doctor is making plans for june and with radiation ending the end of this month - that means he might get to richmond and to see the kids.
and that was in my hopes the whole time.
