decide what to be and go and be it.

so last night i watched (zrg at his house - me here) titanic with zrg.

back in the day this kid loved the titanic - all things titanic.  so i remember i bought him the vhs tape but i guess jdg put it on the back burner (if any) and zrg never saw it. so we started watched a few minutes after the iceberg hit (next time we're gonna make a date to watch from the beginning) - but he loved it.  he even got the parts when they'd start with sad music and he'd say - IS THAT HAPPY MUSIC? - knowing full well it was stirring up emotions (in both of us).

he didn't cry because he was so stoked that people actually froze to death - and that it was possible to die with your eyes open (he's sick) to cry - but it was pretty awesome to be there (even if on the phone) while he got to see it for the first time.

they are coming over later - i'm pretty sure jdg is done with them for the weekend... i texted him that i'd pick them up around three or so and he texted back - IF you want them earlier come and get em.  however i need to get some things done today - and three is a good time for that.  

plus i need to get some things together - monday morning i'm headed to bedford for the day.  i have an appointment and to tell you the truth - i haven't been back to bedford since august maybe.  when i wanna see my mom she comes and spends a day and usually a night - and we get some of the errands that i have pushed off done and she gets me things like toiletpaper and paper towels and laundry soap - oh and gel too.

and for three visits in a row we've been hitting wafflehouse for breakfast and that shit is so good i usually can't wait for her to come back.

i brought jl to work last week - and my co-worker called us hipsters.  i'm pretty confidant we're not hipsters - i'm certain actually.  he doesn't have a beard - nor does he wear plaid.  

i still don't own a real pair of skinny jeans (or do i) (or is that even hipsterish even) - but i'm not quite wearing pantsuits or double knits (reference gets you double points) - but i am just getting more and more comfortable with what is.  

you're the color of the colored part of the wizard of oz movie

i'm sad a lot.

things change so quickly - the best parts end and then something else starts and it'll end up being the best thing that ever happened so far and that's basically what's been going on.

i get the boys so much that i sometimes wanna bail and give them back - but that's god giving me exactly what i can handle exactly on his time and not on mine and to question it would be questioning god.

i'm not quite ready for that.

as for love - i fell for jl again.  his divorce/anulment was swift - she didn't object since she was already in love with someone else.  

so jl and i have been doing what idiots do - we listen to love songs - send corny lyrics all day long (the big pink) - and talk about how almost twenty years ago we couldn't love like this and how love finds a way and just like water you can't fight it.

talking about who we were never really happens - talking about our exes reeeeaaallllyyyyyyy never happens - i can't bring myself to talk about the kids much more than i would with anybody else because if i do that then it feels like i'm doing something i swore i wouldn't do since bm.  

sure he knows about zrg - but that's about it.  the things that i hope are between me and jdg only - i don't talk about.  i can't.  

even though jdg and i are getting along better than ever - and i'm grateful for everything god has given me - i can't share the secrets of my life with anybody and when i cry - i'm still only crying to jdg.  

there's something about making babies with someone that you can't undo - not with a piece of paper or time - or even a new relationship (even one you want to work out). 

for some reason jason is the only person that gets the things that i don't even need to say.

about where exactly me and jl are - there's nothing going on like relocating yet - except he did come here a few times... from jersey (i know) it's not that far anyway.  and he has taken some time off of work - the shit with his ex shook him up and at the same time his sister needed him - so he made enough money he said for now and is looking to restart in baltimore.  

for some weird reason i like the sound of that.   

even though (right now) i get my kids three days a week and sometimes more - i can see visiting him and having him here if it was a rva/bal relationship.

i think i gave up blogging for a bit because it's hard to look at yourself everyday - and i wasn't changing all that much. 

now i get this kick of going to work and seeing the sun come up at a different part of the morning - i'm looking forward to after the solstice for it coming up sooner and sooner and watching it all through the trees and how it's just outlines but soon life will bloom again and it'll happen just a few minutes at a time.